*bangs head on desk* The BM perspective......
OK. I try really hard not to be a psycho bm. I try to communicate with XH as rationally as possible (and considering this is the man who wants to to go out of my way to plan activities for his GF (that he cheated with and left me for) kid like she is also one of my kids that is harder than most would expect)
I don;y ask for more money or make a big deal out of CS/Alimony, I have never taken him to court (he is currnetly suing me for full custody based on made up bullshit because FDH and I want to move in togther) in short- I try to be one of the good BMs But his Fooking GF (ETA MOSTLY HIM, partially her) is making that extremely difficult.
Yesterday my dd8 informed me that she couldn't wear a pair of her shoes anymore because Xhs twatmonger told her they were "Kanky" (twatmonger speak for skanky- why a woman who cheated with a married man and has the vocabulary that would make most sailors blush thinks she has the judgement to call anything skanky when she is in fact, a Skank, is beyond me)
SO DD tells me that she can't wear her boots (these are calf lengh black boots that happen to be shiny- DD only wore them with pants, and they do not have a heel or anything- in short, there is nothing wrong with her formerly favorite pair of boots.)because they are "Kanky" and Twatmonger told her she can't wear them anymore.
I SAW RED. I was instantly so pissed i kinda shocked myself- didn't know I could get that angry. I texted XH, who said he has a "talk" with the Twatmonger, who apologised (to whom I have no idea) and "promised she would be more sensative about what she says in the future"
oh, and he agrees the shoes are inapropriate (which is funny, because before the Twatmonger was up his ass the shoes were fine)
I am all for teaching kids what is or is not appropriate. I dress fairly conservativley, and my kids do as well (since I have veto rights as to what they wear) hell, I don't even wear a bikini, and neither does DD.... but telling a kid who is 8 that something she really likes is "Kanky" is not the way to go about it.. I could tell DD's feelings were hurt by that and god dammit that bitch needs to leave the parenting of my kids to her parents!
Am I being unreasonable?
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Don't see the problem if they
Don't see the problem if they have no heels on them. Actually very trendy with a skirt and tights in the winter....Heels would be too much at this age. I have issues with heels on girls before HS...But, then I am really conservative...
Completely agree. No heels
Completely agree. No heels before HS. That's "Kanky". (IMHO)
I agree about the heels
I agree about the heels thing. You know, you can really look at this two ways. I went through this when my DHs daughter would bring shits that she didn't even know how the heck they were supposed to be tied, because it was bareback all straps kind of stuff...or the time that she was 8 and she had a NEW red, glittery, jersey outfit that was so tight on her that you could see every curve and bump and the front of her skirt and shirt had huge stretch lines, like the was popping out of it...it was bad. The fact is that if she wore that, people would think that "I" as the woman dressed her...No way, no how was I going to go out with a little 8 yr old that TO ME looked like a little hooker...yep. No way. I instead ran to Sears and bought her a nice, appropriate Christmas dress. I did this way too many times. After a while, I got tired and just stopped going out with her if she didn't have anything that I considered appropriate.
Believe me, that I understand that from your point of view she should wear whatever she wants or whatever YOU want. I have no problem with that, provided she is not in my house influencing other kids or out with me. I am a firm believer when I hear SMOMs here trying to cut the kid's hair, etc. that it was not my place to do that. But at the same time, shoes, clothing, etc. that I deem inappropriate as a woman for a little girl, that's something different.
Mind you, NEVER told the 8yr old she looked like a hooker, I just would say, "you know what, let's go get a new outfit!" And she usually was pretty happy about that.
Believe me I see both sides to a certain extent. I cannot imagine some other woman telling my son what he could wear, not wear, etc...but that's what divorce does to kids. You don't get to make those decisions when the kids are visiting their NCP. It sucks, yes. But it is part of divorce. Divorce is NOT just...you divorce, go on with your life, live happily ever after and still control everything that happens when your kids aren't with you. It's not.
Good luck. But if I were you, I would really watch what you say and do and how you react to these issues. YOU will be very much responsible for how this person treats your child by how you attack her.
There certainly are clothes
There certainly are clothes for 8yo girls out there that make me shake my head. I think if my daughter were to come home wearing something inappropriate I would tell her to change her clothes (without reason, she's 8 she doesn't need an explanation, she needs to do as told) and while she was changing I would call her dad and tell him what an idiot he is for letting her dress that way. If it happened again, I would make her change and tell her that the clothes are not appropriate for a young lady her age, and explain to her that her dad may allow her to dress that way in HIS house, but I don't allow it on my watch and I would tell her WHY. I certainly don't believe the boots the OP described are included in the definition of "inappropriate" but if the situation did arise, I would give more of an explanation than "they are Kanky". Maybe "you are too young" or "those shoes are for grown up woman not little girls". Something along those line. I have an 8yo daughter. I can certainly relate and see both sides.
Nope not unreasonable at all.
Nope not unreasonable at all. Boots are in style. Maybe GF needs a lesson in fashion. I will gladly give her one if you want. I will give her a very upclose and personal view of a "Kanky" pair of boots... if you catch my drift.
She needs to butt out. If ANYONE over there tells her what not (or what to) wear, it should be her father. And at that, it should be "you can't wear those HERE, take them to your mom's house". He doesn't have control over your home and what goes on there.
*girl crush* *bats eyelashes
*girl crush* *bats eyelashes at you*
Yes yes yes!
Oh, I am in a FOUL mood
Oh, I am in a FOUL mood today. I DARE anyone to mess with me. I don't have boots on right now because it is close to 100 degrees outside, but I swear if someone messes with me today, they will get my size 6 heel up their ass so fast, they won't know if they should cry or smoke a cigarette.
Still have a girl crush on me? LOL, serious PMS going on over here
you are just making it worse
you are just making it worse now, lol!
Cry or smoke a cigarette!
Cry or smoke a cigarette! That's funny.
DH says they won't know if they should s**t or go blind.
That is my entire point.. if
That is my entire point.. if something is not appropriate (for whatever reason- too small, etc) then say "That is not appropriate and here is why" not tell an 8 year old that she is skanky.
I don't think that is
I don't think that is inappropriate. I tell SS to change his pants or shorts when he comes from BM's and he looks like a doofus because they are way too small, or he does't match. But I don't say "hey you can't wear that, you look like a total dork" or better yet "Kanky" whatever that means...
On Christmas day SS came home wearing this sweater, that was 2 sizes too big, and well... he looked like one of the Huxtable kids from the Cosby Show. I told DH "please have him change clothes, he looks ridiculous". Dh just said "buddy go put your blue and grey sweater on please". And I sent the Cosby's sweater back to BM's house. BM thought she had done SOOOOO GOOD dressing him up in that sweater. She has NO sense of style. She "loves that sweater" she told me. Well... you would you lame ass broad, get a clue!
When the girls are under my
When the girls are under my roof and they go in public with me they reflect upon me, people don’t look at a woman with kids and think oh she is such a good/bad SM. No they think wow what a mom, or why cant she control her kids.
So I did not care what BM sent the kids in, I made sure it was up to my standards. I made them shower and change the moment we got them, and now that BM is MIA I have complete control over their wardrobes. FDH is horrible and cant match to save his life and I refuse to go in public looking nice and put together and have a homeless looking family with me. I didn’t care what BM thought and I wont care if she comes back in the picture.
Now I never told them why they had to shower and change. If they asked it was because they did wipe their butt after going to the bathroom, or because their feet stunk. I never said BM lets you guys go 4 days with out a shower or your look like a homeless child. My SD’s are 3 and 5 so the butt whipping is a reasonable excuse to make them shower.
Right. I agree. But you
Right. I agree. But you wouldn't tell them they couldn't wear that at BM's house, right?
oh of course not, I would
oh of course not, I would rejoice in the fact BM looks like a shitty mother.
That's what I talkin' about!
That's what I talkin' about!
I would tell your Exh that
I would tell your Exh that you don't appreciate his broad teaching your 8 year old about "skanky". 8 year olds are still innocent. They don't know what the means.
THank you!!!!! This was the
THank you!!!!! This was the issue, what she said and how she said it. It was because DD's feelings were hurt and she put her down and basically called her skanky that I had a problem with.... the boots being totally fine (IMO) is just an aside and not the main issue at all.
The only thing I've ever
The only thing I've ever commented on regarding clothing is the fact that DH's kid's shirt are waaaaaaaaay too low cut. So I used to ask her to pull them up so her breasts were completely covered. I explained that under 18 is too young for cleavage in this house.
I got tired of asking. Now when I see her boobs hanging out I just ignore it. If her PARENTS don't care, then I don't care.
But what the GF said is just WRONG, WRONG and WRONG again. You don't tell an 8 y/o girl, a little kid, what she's wearing is skanky.
I'd be happy to hold the GF down while you kick her ass.