for me, I think of it like I am working at the after school day care club. If a skid asks me something, is it something the after school day care person would answer? or would they say, I don't know, you need to ask your father.

That is how I started out. Mmmmm, I don't know or I'm not sure - you will have to ask your father. Over a period of a few weeks, the skid starts be trained and will just go directly to the father. If not, just keep up the same tactic. I mean, its not a life or death question - then there is really no reason you need to make the decision or answer it.

I have an ask once policy, instead of, Do your homework, I say, don't forget to do your homework if you have some. My job is done.

If the room is a mess, I close the door. If stuff is left in MY areas of the house (all areas but the skid's assigned room) I take it and put it in their room, as in, open the door and place it on the floor where it will have to be moved or stepped around, then I close the door.

Laundry time - I announce its going to be laundry day, bring and sort your laundry for washing. My job is done, if its not brought, people can wash their own or wait until the next round. If there is complaint, I remind that I asked and nothing was brought therefore I was to assume there was nothing to wash, they are welcome to go ahead and wash or wait.

Notice, in the above examples. I never use the word NO or I WON'T.

For DH, um hum, yes, I see, ok, what do YOU think, really? I didn't catch that? oh? Those are all good responses. Also, oh, I thought you already knew, I told you that, I reminded you and, really, I had no idea.

I would take care of your bio's and your husband. Anytime SD asks for something or permission for something..."Go ask your father" response.

If SD is disrespectful to you, then I wouldn't offer anything to her. Rides to activities , malls, friends etc.

3familiesinone has the right idea!

I have disengaged from my skids and they from me. The only problem is, it makes the atmosphere awkward as hell.

But I guess it's the better alternative than me feeling like a resentful doormat *and* it feeling awkward.

Good morning guys, 7:00am in the UK and it's raining, but, it is sunny in my mind as i have learnt the rules of disengagement and when i look at my 3 trolls (it's my nickname for the SK's)today I can now see they are not my fault. No more trying them to see the other person's point of view, teaching them empathy or sympathy, trying to get to the bottom of fights or who's stolen what from who.

As I am a full time stay at home HW which I will now call myself instead of SAHM, the only thing I do for the trolls is clean the house. Even though they think nothing of leaving anything they use anywhere around the house, they do literally throw sweet/ crisps/ food rubbish on the floor in any room and think absolutely nothing of it. One small change I did make is that our stairs are next to our front door and DH & SK always would leave footwear in front of door at the bottom of the stairs when entering the house. Sometimes there would be maybe 6 pairs there. I knew it was an accident waiting to happen, and unfortunately it was me...tripping over DH workboots and had to take a week of work because of it. The rest was nice, actually being waitied on by DH..

Anyway, I have told them all, even DH, that any shoes left on the door mat will be thrown outside the door into the garden no matter what the weather is. And boy has it worked, but as I'm sure every suffering SP knows, you have to be willing to do it if it's been threatened. And I had to throw out SK14 school shoes, and at the moment what a surprise it has been raining for almost two weeks solid here so they were soaked. He did pass them in the garden everytime he went in and out the house for at least 4 days but just ignored them. And at least DH agreed with me that we were not going to write a letter to the school as to why he did not have a full uniform on, let him explain it and take the consequences. Just one small step on my road to getting back my sanity, but it really did work. Even SD19 picks up her shoes and obviously being a girl she has different ones everyday, and she's usually the messiest in the house.

MY 3 SK's realise I am here to stay and they don't resent me so I am lucky, but we very rarely talk to each other, now I found this site I've no nead to speak to the rotten trolls again...yay....sorry...still very excited at being a new member, talking to all you wondefful people and that I don't have to move out of the house and live with my chickens xxxhairy hugs to you all xxxx

LPS - here is an article on disengaging which you may find helpful. http://www.steptogether.org/disengaging.html

Psychobitch - you made me laugh with the shoes in the rain story. If I find the SDs stuff around the house I open the door to their room and throw it in. The room gets mucked out by DH every other weekend when the SDs leave. Nice to see another Brit here - not that many of us. This site tends to be quiet in the mornings and then busier later on in the day when our American cousins wake up!

Kes,

Thanks for posting this article! It's awesome!

Hey Kes, thanks, I know what you mean about the time thing, I've been checking all day and it's slow, I suppose a few late nights are in store for me to speak to most other SP. And at least you know what I am talking about with the rain....my garden looks like a bog.....and HB is currently trying to light our fire and all our wood is wet, I've just sneaked back in my room to watch yet another Will & Grace epsiode.

And another new thing with the SK's possessions, SK14 has just brought himself an expensice set of underwear -£20 for 5 pairs- and I have said if I see them wet after being in the pool on the floor in the house I will throw them away. I know it must sound really petty and vengeful of me, but I'm kind of hoping he will just so I can to teach him a lesson. It's ridiculous how the behaviour of a reasonably mature & intelligent person can be driven to little victories, I know it's wrong, but sometimes very satisfying.

So glad I didn't sell all my treasured belongings on ebay yesterday when I didn't want to exist in this house, my D&G boots live to see another day sat in wardrobe gathering dust as we never go out anywhere!!!!

Oh...and 2 of the trolls are out all night tonight not to been seen until late tomorrow...yay....
Still wet hairy hugs from me
x