I am so glad I learned that term-"disengage". I had started to do it without even knowing what it was. I had told BF that over time, I had been handed most of the child-rearing chores, while he just wanted her love and fun. She was getting resentful of me being the heavy, and I was resenting them both for making me be. On top of that, he doesn't want to hear a word of anything wrong she does, so he didn't always understand why I was enforcing some rules or being burned out. :?
Now HE'S in charge of her homework. HE tells her to do her chores. HE says when it's time for bed. I've learned to ignore when she's engaging in bad habits he's trying to break her of. My attitude at some level is not my kid, not my problem. I'm much more relaxed around her now and it frees us up to be more like friends. She already has 2 parents.

This will save our relationship!

The one thing that continues to frustrate me is her lying. Today, a full week after Halloween, she complained that she was freezing that night because I sent her with a spring jacket instead of her winter coat. I reminded her that she came home declaring how she wasn't cold a bit! (Of course she said that because I had voiced she would be cold in her skimpy costume). So now she admits she really was cold and it was MY fault! :sick: UGH!