You all didnt know the whole truth here it is
OK bare with me this is a long long story. But in order to get to the current questions knowing the entire story is very important.
In 1999 my husband met bm. She was currently 5 months pregnant. The bf was not in the picture. In December 1999 bm and my husband married. In Feb 2000 sd was born. In May 2000 my husband adopted sd. Feb 2001 ss was born. June 2003 ss was born. March 2004 bm had affair and husband moved out of home. June 2004 ss turns one and bm admits to being pregnant tries to tell my hubby it is his. Sept 2004 hubby finds out that bm had affair with sd biological father.
Jan 2005 divorce final. 10 days later bm and sd biofather married. Feb 2005 bm moves children 450 miles away. Alientation begins.
Oct 2006 My husband and I marry. BM refuses to allow husband to know about ss being in hospital four times for pneumonia. Other schildren have medical and school problems and bm will not allow my husband to be apart of thier lives. It continues as far as not allowing visitation. We file for modification of divorce papers in November 2008. Mediation occurs March 2009. July 2009 step son is trageically killed in a farming accident while on summer visit on my parents farm. We pay for entire funeral, and travel for ss body to the home city the children live in. We tried to get him barried locally as that is where both familes extended family and friends live. However, bm refused and we didnt not want to fight.
Feb 2010 bm filed federal law suit against my husband and my father for wrongful death. June 2010 our insurance companies settled out of court and paid bm money. Oct 2010 birth mother refused visitation. Oct 28th 2010 in court for order to show cause for contempt, which we initated. BM refused to follow all orders and at review hearing in Jan 2011 she did not appear and refused to follow orders judge again gave her. Two days after court we were served papers for jurisdiction to be moved to her state and city as she stated in best interest of children. Court has ordered her to produce tax records so child support can be evaulated she refused and said she should not have to and that she wants my husbands child support to be reevaluated without her income.
Refuses to allow children to talk on phone. And when they do it is on speaker and she is coaching kids what to say.
Nov 2009 stepfather was viewed inappropratly touching ss, hands were down ss's pants and playing. It was reported to CPS. However the state CPS will not release documents to my husband. Attorney General for state states that a form has to be filled out. However they will not supply the form. Our attorney has tried everything to include a subpeona.
2010 children told us that ss age 7 is still showering with stepfather and ss does not know how to bath himself and with us asks my husband to wash him. As he says he doesnt know how.
HELP... What do we do?
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You all that were negative to my post about BM punishing SD11 for talking to SM.. Well here you go. There is more.. oh so much more but since you judged without knowing main story here you go.. Now see if you change the judgement?
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i can't comment on the
i can't comment on the inappropriate touching by the stepfather bc I don't have advice for that.But if CPS is investigating,they will root out the inappropriate things and hopefully IF these things are truly happening,it will be stopped.
I still think bm did the right thing by enforcing her rules in her home.if she has rules about getting permission first for the communication,then damnit the kid knows to ask permission and chose not to ask.
As far as this alienation thing is concerned,her son DIED while in the care of you and the father.I think if I had kids I'd scoop them up and make visitation as difficult as possible too!Especially if your insurance companies ended up settling out of court and paying bm,that tells me this death could have been prevented and she has every right to limit contact with you and your husband for the other kids.She's probably afraid of what will happen next.
Ok. So I didnt go into how
Ok. So I didnt go into how SS8 died.
He was riding on a hay trailor and feel off.
Adults were around and it was an accident. The only reason it was settled out of court was due to no neglence was found. AT ALL....
It was settled as my hubby and I along with my parents did not want the children to have to testify in court the children were there and saw the accident. To help them not to testify it was settled out of court.
FOR WAY LESS than BM was asking...
Your husband could also have
Your husband could also have filed a wrongful death case against your parents for the death of his son.
yes because obviously the
yes because obviously the only person tramatized by this was the BM of course... daddy should have filed suit against his own parents b/c they probably had no remorse whatsoever for the ACCIDENTAL death...really? Since when is this about money? Since when is the loss of a child who you paid for their funeral costs and forked out money in a suit about hurting other people financially?
I'm sorry it's harsh.I really
I'm sorry it's harsh.I really am sorry for that but it's just how I think I would feel and the actions I would take if I had kids.I'm sorry for the dad if he witnessed it but I can still see where BM is coming from on this one.
the story about the abusive stepdad could also be viewed as manipulative way for dad and sm to gain some control over the kids.When in doubt,blaim the stepfather of touching the kiddies.It COULD be true and hopefully if it is,someone will step in and help the children.
I supposed I'd have to know what type of "Farming accident" this was in order for me to feel it couldn't have been prevented.If it was a case of the child being around heavy farm equipment or being allowed to "help" around heavy farm equipment at his age then yeah,it could have been prevented.It makes me think of people who have toddlers that drown in their hottub.Why was the child being exposed to this in the first place?could it have been avoided?Obviously the insurance company feels it could have been prevented through proper supervision or else they wouldn't have settled and they wouldn't have given BM a dime.
I have to say I feel for DH
I have to say I feel for DH but I feel for BM too. I can't imagine how I'd act if that happened to me.
I think BM simply enforced her rules on her time. As for the touching, I'd be continually contacting CPS to see what's going on.
I can understand both sides
I can understand both sides here.... I can see that BM would harbor ALOT of resentment towards DH for the death of their son and I'm sure she harbors resentment against you, simply for the fact that the accident happenened on YOUR family farm. I can't even imagine what losing a child can do to someone and think that if I were put in the same position that I would probably act the same as your BM is.
With that said, it is unfair of BM to keep your DH's remaining kids from him because of what happened. DH did not murder his son, it was an accident, that (God forbid) could happen to any one of us at any moment.
As far as BM enforcing rules in her house? Go girl... I WISH our BM had rules and actually enforced them... I understand that it must be difficult for you and your DH to only see kids a month or so out of the year, but right now it is what it is.
You killed her kid for
You killed her kid for christ's sake
++++++++++++++++++++++++
OMG I can not believe that you just wrote that!! I actually need to take a moment to :jawdrop:
What an absurd thing to write.
agreed... it was an
agreed... it was an accident.. not murder. That was ridiculously inapropriate and I hope that OP deletes that post.
it was edited to include "in
it was edited to include "in her eyes"
Insurance companies will
Insurance companies will settle immediately if they can so that they can protect their insured from anything above policy limits. It doesn't mean that someone was at fault. It means they have insurance. If the insured WAS at fault, they wouldn't pay anything. Every policy has a reservation of rights. If it was intentional, the claim is denied.
That being said, I as a mother would be a bit over-protective as well of my children in the event of this tragic situation. However, as a third party outsider who is supposed to be objective, an accident can happen on anybody's watch. The kid could have been struck by a car walking to school. It really doesn't have any bearing on the ability of the parent. I'm sure dad is just as sad and really needs to be with his remaining children in this time of loss.
So, I think a judge will grant contempt charges if she doesn't allow him to see his children.
wow,i never implied dh or OP
wow,i never implied dh or OP killed the kid!now THAT was harsh:( I think op is due an apology for that one soon to be step-mom.
If soon to be s-mom had any
If soon to be s-mom had any class, she would delete/edit her own comment. I am still floored how some post get so twisted.
but to assume the death of a
but to assume the death of a child is something the mother should overlook and get past is just so unbelievable
++++++++++++++++++
Who the F said that? OMG...you can twist a post beyond anything I have ever seen. That was absurd also.
"But I do think the SM and BF
"But I do think the SM and BF should really be treading much more lightly than they appear to be. I don't like how the death was downplayed in this scenario. I think the SM needs to take a whole new perspective and a whole new attitude with this issue."
I DEFINITELY agree with this.Maybe it's the lack of tone in blogs but I really caught a wiff of 'get over it already' from this SM.She didn't put anything like that in the blog but I guess it's the way things are worded that make me feel that sense of Sm not really knowing the depth of sorrow and grief BM is probably still feeling.
If you sent your child to a school and the child died in care of the school,an accident,you would sue the pants off the school and would yank your other children out of their so fast their little heads would spin.Even though it was an accident.I'm not saying it's EXACTLY the same but the emotional response is similar.
I think it works for either
I think it works for either parent.I'm sorry but like I said,maybe if the insurance wouldn't have settled and paid BM I would feel differently but insurance companies are so tight with their payouts that they really must have felt this was a case of negligence on dad's part or they wouldnt have paid out of court,they would have fought it.If the situation were reversed I would say dad would be 100% right to be afraid of giving other children to BM.I would never be so biased as to say the same wouldn't work for dad.
Aside from that,the accident wasn't the real issue.The real issue was BM "keeping" sd from IMing with Sm.But it sounded to me like BM made rules about communicating with ANYONE online and she was to be asked first no matter who it is and SD CHOSE to violate the rule therefore she got cut off.And THAT I can totally agree with.Rules are Rules no matter who sd is conversing with.She has to learn to respect her mothers rules.Maybe next time she'll ask permission to use the IM and BM will be fine with her talking to dad or sm.
Actually Asher10 most
Actually Asher10 most insurance companies will try to pay as quick as possible and not because it is negligence but because they don't want a long drawn out court case where people could decide the amount or as the OP stated they did not want to put the other children on the stand - I actually saw this poster when she first joined and I was able to piece together from her info and found the story about the accident on the internet and while all of you are going on and on about the father it truly was an accident and no one was found to be negligent - this was something truly horrific that happened to a family and it was not downplayed but this father has had a really rough time trying to see his kids even before the accident with the BM and I truly feel sorry for him
To put it all into perspective I have a friend that had a baby and when she went back to work she left the baby with her MIL and the baby died during the first day that she was watching her grandchild - it was not something that could have been prevented and my friend could have turned it into a really nasty situation but even in her grief she knew that her MIL did nothing to cause the baby to die and the MIL actually had a harder time forgiving herself than my friend did - I also have a cousin that a few years ago at the age of 12 was riding a ATV right before Christmas and flipped in a ditch and died at the hospital later this kid was just unbelievably sweet and kind and respectful and it was an accident there was no one to blame it sucked becuase usually the weather is so horrible at Christmas that he would not have been able to go four wheeling it just happened that this Christmas it was so warm and no snow so they let him take it out I am sure they regret this decision even today but it was an accident When children die it is so unnatural and horrible but it could have happened on BM's watch as well - So no it was not negligence and that was not why the insurance company settled it was as the OP stated above they did not want the other children to have to go to court and testify - I don't blame the BM for suing - I don't think I would but I don't blame her - but accidents happen even when people are so diligent and protective they still happen.
MMM1 sorry but I did find you story and I wanted to say I am so sorry that you and your DH and your parents had to go through this terrible time in your life and I am also very sorry that your BM lost a child and was not there for the last moments of his life. It is unfortunate because from your posts it sounds like she has been punishing your husband for years before the accident and now is punishing him for the accident and lets all not forget people this man lost his son as well it was not just the BM's child and even though the BM has been successful in keeping him from his kids it really is the children who are being punished the most for not having the full and true opportunity of knowing their father. God bless all of you!!!
THank you!.. it is soo hard
THank you!.. it is soo hard and you really just helped me to understand that everyone on here doesnt always understand. I feel for the BM and the loss that she has gone through as well. I pray each day she will be able to heal as we are, and that her heart will soften to understand we care about the children... I want the children to have someone fight for them..... But for some reason it is not happening
Unfortunately for your family
Unfortunately for your family it will never happen because the alienation started 5 years before the death of your SS - so compound that with the loss of her child and it is not going to ever happen - I could not imagine losing a child but as I said your husband lost his son as well and it was on his watch which made it all the more horrible for the both of you - I am sorry that you have to deal with all of this and you are in my prayers - I don't know what else to say.
"In her eyes you killed her
"In her eyes you killed her kid for christ's sake" - I see what you're saying. You're not telling the OP that she killed the child, but maybe in the BM's mind, the OP and dad did, regardless of how the accident happened.
This is a horrible situation,
This is a horrible situation, so many people are hurting, it must be aweful to live through on a daily basis. I'm sending up some prayers for you, and I hope you can find peace somehow. It sounds like DH not only lost the child who died, but is now forced to lose the other because of the mother's grief. BM isn't willing to think about anything but her own feelings. So sad. God bless you darlin, this really sucks.
Posts get twisted and there are a lot of A holes in the world. Don't let the blamers get to you. Find the support you need and blow off the rest. You need sanity and haters are only going to hurt you
There are compassionate people here who have absolutely gotten me through some of my DARKEST days 
Keep your chin up!
Thank you. And yes it is hard
Thank you. And yes it is hard for everyone. And no matter what it is sad that people jump and assume. It is a dark day for us. And I hope to help others out after we are done. I feel for others....
I think that the OP was
I think that the OP was trying to get the point across that BM moved all of the skids 400 miles away and began alienating them from dad immediately upon her divorce and subsequent remarraige. I think the death of the child clouded the bottom line here... BM was playing games 5 years PRIOR to the accident.. it's not like BM scooped her kids up and left town because of the accident.
I'm sure dad and step mom are hurting just as much as BM about the loss, hell especially since I'm sure they would almost have to feel some sense of responsibility for what happened, I can't even imagine.
It does not appear to me that dad and step mom are hasselling BM any more than any normal concerned parent who is being denied visitation to their kids would do...and if they are, why is dad not entitled to fight for his kids??
Agreed.
Agreed.
Agree!!
Agree!!
You are a bit off here. When
You are a bit off here.
When Alientation is occuring there is no way to get the BM to address this. BM is very verbally abusive to my husband. So there is no communication at this time only through Text messaging or emails, as my husband has decided he doesnt need to be treated this way.
And the only reason I am involved is...... I have education in the court system and have been helping the attorneys. As well as I am in a graduate program for mental health counseling to work with kids that have to go through this.> Who is going to stand up for the kids..
BM is alienating them, Dad is being abused by BM. Which in fact has happened in front of kids.
So as SM I am concerned. And since I dont have any legal right to the children. But I do have a legal right to protect them..... And that is what I am doing. So you may think it is wrong. But who really care for the kids? ?// Dad does, but can not really talk to them, or to the BM. So for some odd reason SD and SM (me) are communicating because the dad and BM can not. .Sad story.
We have actually been working
We have actually been working with the courts and probably will have to take the State of Wyoming to court to get the records released It is a joke. Different states have different rules. Even though DH has joint legal custody the state is saying it is against the law for them release the records..
I wonder who is protecting the child? At best if there is nothing going on in thier findings in what they concluded. Than just say that we are ok with that. But this giving us the run around is causing more suspission.
um.... no where did it say on
um.... no where did it say on a tractor......
#1) 1-876-HITMAN! #2) Hire a
#1) 1-876-HITMAN!
#2) Hire a kid collection service, take the kids and move them out of state to a location requiring extradition.
#3) Keep your attorney on BM and pervy SF like stink on shit.
#4) Get the media involved.
#5) Hire a PI to follow them around and record everything any of them do.
#6) See #1
#7) See #1
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As for the accidental death of your SS. That is a sad and tragic accident. Insurance companies often settle out of court when there is no evidence of fault or liability because it is cheaper than the court costs they would incure to fight the suit in court.
I have had my own insurance companies settle with claimants when it was the claimants who were at fault for the accident. Insurance companies clearly state that they reserve the right to settle suits for their policy holders with or without the approval of the policy holder.
My prayers are with you and your family.
I am kidding about 1-876-HITMAN! .... maybe.
LOL.. We have done 3 and
LOL.. We have done 3 and 5...
Media? I am kinda nervous... About. the rest I know you are kidding.
As far as insurance companies yes they settle out of court because it is cheaper and no neglegence was found.
She actually was upset we had life insurance on her son. But DH has had it since his son was born. Which was when he was still married to BM... So she was mad we didnt give her any of the money left from after paying the entire funeral etc.
We had about 10 thousand left. We invested an amount in each of the kids for thier later life college etc. And then we took a few thousand and purchased Season amusement park ticket for the kids and family for two years. That is something SS that passed away loved, we felt the money was his, and it was more like blood money and felt wrong for us to keep it and use it for us. So we used it for his remaining sibblings.