IS IT JUST ME, OR WHAT?
OK, MY SD AND HER BABY MOVED IN WITH US, SHE'S 20. SHE DOESN'T PAY RENT, BUY FOOD, NOTHING! OVER THE PAST COUPLE OF WEEKS, I'VE NOTICED HER LEAVING HER TV/CLOSET LIGHT ON ALL NIGHT, WHILE SHE'S ASLEEP, SO I TALKED TO DH, AND EXPLAINED TO HIM MY FRUSTRATIONS AND HE SAID YOU TELL HER ABOUT IT, AND I'LL SUPPORT YOU 110%. WELL, WASN'T I WRONG. OUR ELECTRIC BILL IS OVER $200/MO. SO I KINDLY LEFT A NOTE ON HER DOOR, ASKING HER TO PLEASE BE SURE TO TURN OFF HER COMPUTER, LIGHT & TV WHEN IT IS NOT IN USE, ESPECIALLY AT BEDTIME. I ALSO ASKED, AND HAVE ASKED IN THE PAST, THAT ALL, INCLUDING MY CHILDREN REMOVE THEIR SHOES AT THE FRONT DOOR, AS I DO NOT WANT ANYONE TO WALK ON THE CARPET WITH THEIR OUTDOOR SHOES ON, INCL THEIR FRIENDS. I IN TURNED, CALLED MY DH AND TOLD HIM THAT I LEFT THE NOTE AND HE SAYS TO ME, "IT'S ALWAYS HIS DAUGHTER & GRANDDAUGHTERS FAULT, BLAH, BLAH, BLAH." FIRST AND FOREMOST, I NEVER SAID IT WAS THEIR FAULT, AND IT'S DEFINITELY NOT MY FAULT THAT SHE HAD A BABY, WHAT I AM SAYING IS THAT SHE SHOULD WANT TO BE CONSIDERATE, AS SHE'S LIVING FOR FREE! SO QUESTION, WAS I WRONG FOR LEAVING THE NOTE, AND HOW SHOULD I HANDLE THIS MATTER GOING FORWARD? PISSED!
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Comments
No - You were not. Stand up
No - You were not. Stand up for yourself and your house. The shoes off at the door was a big issue here. The steps had never done it and when I moved in, I insisted. Tough shit. Do you know the germs that are brought in with shoes. Not to mention wear and tear on carpet. She sounds like a pain. How long is she staying? Is their an exit strategy in place?
Yes, she's a pain in the you
Yes, she's a pain in the you know what! From leaving used pampers on the bathroom floor and cleaning up after herself! I truly hope soon, because I've had it! I even told him, let her tell her mom, and if she calls, emails and/or come over here, I'll have her arrested, as this is our house, our rules, and if she doesn't like it, she can get out and go live with her, and run up all of her bills and eat all up all of her food!
Ok...why is she living with
Ok...why is she living with you? She is 20 years old. She's an adult. I'm sure she thought making that baby was a good idea, so let her suffer the consequences. Looks like YOU guys are the ones footing the bill, though!
I understand that DH wants to protect his princess and the grandchild, but tough love has a far greater effect and makes them grow up. She won't like it, but it won't hurt her a bit.
Because poor hubby feels so
Because poor hubby feels so sorry for her! I'm sorry, but know one told her to go out and have a baby without a plan. Don't get me wrong, as the baby is innocent, and has nothing to do with this, but her mother needs to step her game up and be an adult! It amazes me how she walks around and talk about how she's grown. Grown people pay rent, utilties, buy food, and do chores.
You were not wrong. DH said
You were not wrong. DH said he could back you and he didn’t. Just lovely.
Who pays the electric bill? If it is him, then I would not worry about it too much. If it is you, make him start paying it.
I am sorry, but I hate to have to take my shoes off at someone’s house and I do not make anyone do it here. IMO, it is a floor.
But if it is your house and that is the way you want family to do it, then they should…if not, then have DH pay to have the floor sanitized weekly. GOOD LUCK.
That's fine he did what he
That's fine he did what he did....It's called Karma, trust me, he will regret it!....I told him that since he doesn't see a problem with her leaving the lights/tvs on 24/7 then he can pay the $200/mo electric bill. As far as the carpet, it's not even a year old since I've had it replaced, but that's a pet-peeve of mine. The outdoors just has ao some many germs, and if they remove their shoes at the door, they will not track germs throughout the house.
Here's where I think you were
Here's where I think you were wrong...listening to DH tell you he would support you 110% AND leaving a note. What you should have done is all three of you sit down and outline the expectations of her living in your home. You and your DH would then be a united front, she would feel a part of the discussion with the ability to express her own thoughts and it would be a very mature interaction, one which your DH would have no other alternative than to support you ... you know, being in front of your face and all...lol.
Crap happens. Babies are not always planned. Believe me, it is pretty heartbraking for the bio-parent when it happens to your child at such an early age. Everyting you've ever dreamed for them comes to a screeching halt. Sometimes they need that extra hand up to get on their feet and I do believe that we don't quit being parents once a kid turns 18. However, once they are emacipated, the rules of the house change and those changes need to be discussed and implemented, keeping in mind, in a step situation, that the parent and adult child need to respect the stepparent's feelings and expectations as well. We don't have the same investment in these kids as their parents do and that needs to be a consideration and needs to be respected.
I respect your opinion, but I
I respect your opinion, but I didn't want this to be an arguing match, so I went with the next best thing, a note, since DH wasn't going to address the issue, and why should he, as he doesn't pay the electric bill. I'm just so frustrated! When he told her that she can move in, at that time, we should've sat down, but me giving him the benefit of the doubt; thought that's what he'd done, especially when she's moving in with a baby. Yes, I know crap happens, and babies are a blessing, but you should also be respectful of others homes, especially when they are helping you, by not charging you rent, cable, heat, electric, food and hot water, oh and she's still on DH medical. So yes, "WE" are helping her! I just want her to understand that we have house rules and not only her, but my two have to abide by all of the house rules, if not, get your own place!
I totally agree with you.
I totally agree with you. This is a discussion that you and your husband need to discuss and come to a compromise on. I also agree that she should be contributing something to the household. Your husband is doing her no favors by allowing her to live responsibility free. This is as much a life lesson as learing to cut your meet and tie your shoes.
If I were you, I would ask him out to dinner one night and tell him you want to discuss somethings that are bothing you at home. Usually when you're in a neutral place (and public...lol) the conversation will be productive and no one will be yelling and closed off.
After all, as I said, you are only putting up with this because he is your husband and you love him. You have no investment in his kid. He needs to remember that you are giving alot of yourself for him.
Thanks for all of the advice,
Thanks for all of the advice, and I will keep you posted.
No you were not wrong and
No you were not wrong and your DH was 110% full of shit when he said he would support you 110% on this issue.
However, I think rather than a note you should have had a direct conversation with the Skid.
Time for a family meeting I think. To go over the electric bill pre-Skid/GSkid and post-Skid/GSkid moving in. Also go over the increase in food costs, water costs, gas costs, etc, etc, etc.....
DH and the Skid both need to understand that it is expensive to add people to a household and everyone needs to be sensitive to doing what they can to keep the costs as low as possible.
Welcome additions or not, the Skid needs to have complete clarity of the expectation that she will turn off lights and appliances that she is not actively loosing. My SS lives upstairs in our home and I am constantly finding lights on all over upstairs. My wife and pretty much don't even go up there. I see the upstairs lights on when I come home from work late or when I get up in the middle of the night to get a drink. I drag him out of bed and make him turn out the lights he left on. Of course he and even occasionally my wife think that is mean of me to drag him out of bed at 0-Dark:Thirty to turn out lights he left on when I could do it in a second or two. He does not learn if I do it so I have a good time dragging his ass out of bed to fix it.
Many things can drive bills up significantly and I too have been guilty of stupid crap that costs money in the home. I had a bad habit of turning on the shower in the AM as I walked in to the bathroom to get it warmed up. I would then hit the throne and get lost in reading (Hey, it is a man thing. Don't ask). An hour later I would climb in the shower.
My CPA bride flipped her lid over our H2O bill the first couple of months after we bought our house. She wanted to turn off the sprinkler system, hire someone to look for broken pipes, etc.....
I told her that there was nothing wrong with the sprinkler system or the pipes and that I would lower the bill. When I stopped the reading while the shower was running the H2O bill went down by $200/mo. :jawdrop:
And yes, I did fess up to why the H2O bill was so high. My wife still gives me shit about it and whacks me occasionally when the H2O bill comes in.
So, get the documentation together and prepare to give DH and SD clarity on what it costs to have her and her spawn live with you.
Good luck.
You're right on about the
You're right on about the meeting, but we've had conversations like this before, and nothings changed. I understand how fathers feel about their daughters, but what about my pockets. I'm paying $200 a month on our electric bill, when I could be saving 1/2 of that for a rainy day. He just doesn't get it and/or care to get it! It's just unacceptable! When my husband,I and our two kids lived with his mother before we purchased our first home, I paid her rent, bought groceries, detergent and anything else that was needed. For the life of me, I don't understand why adult children thinks everything should be free!