Alright, this blog entry is written to quell the burning questions everyone has as to why I'm this depressed about everything. As well as to address the other comments about "oh at least you're not from Rwanda" because in reality, and in various respects, it IS possible to be worst off than a Rwandan.

Just to warn you and in advance, this is very much a rant and rave. Choose carefully before replying.

Let us start with the obvious and the unapparent, the obvious being an "obvious immigrant" such as a Rwandan and the "Unapparent immigrant" such as a Canadian.

First and foremost, intonation wise the thick french accent would give away the Rwandan immigrant, while on the other hand, mine will simply denote that I'm from some northern region, its exact location is unknown.

(1) The Appearance of Sanity

This section has a strange title to it, but whatever could I mean "the appearance of sanity"?

Rwanda can be simply described as a not-so-nice place to live, with its tumultuous history as far reaching as the drama related to the European landgrab, various slave trades, civil wars, genocides, etc. . .. . It's most interesting and colourful pieces of history can be viewed as of late which include Rwanda being declared as being "relatively corruption free"; and as of 2010, was ranked 66 out of 128 countries as being the cleanest in the world. Not bad for a country who, less than 80 years ago had to deal with the Ruzagayra famine as well as the Rwandan Civil War and the 1994 Rwandan genocide. The highlights of which can be outlined in the Award-winning movie Hotel Rwanda.

With all this in mind, and should you meet an illegal Rwandan immigrant in the same room as me, a person would be inclined to feel more emphatically obligated towards the Rwandan, who had perhaps left their home and family at the threat of violence either by their own people or their own government and are unable to return. The culture shock from leaving their home either by themselves or with their family would be understandable. Support groups would be available, classes for adjustment to life in the States would be offered. If they're lucky there will be services available for refugees, housing, in case the government attempted to deport them, they can easily stir public sympathy, claim asylum, etc. . . . For all appearance purposes, they adhere to a rather rigid, quintessential image of an immigrant.

It does not take much to tug at the heartstrings of any listener to their story. Or much understanding to comprehend the feelings of being forced to flee from home under the threat of violence. It's self preservation, anyone sane would be compelled to act in a similar manner.

I, on the other hand, am the exact opposite of this perception.

I lived in a nice house, in a nice neighbourhood. I went to University, and for all appearance purposes, was normal.

I left Canada not under extreme duress of violence (real, perceived or otherwise), instead I CHOSE (there may have been a LOT of guilt involved) but regardless I chose to get up and to leave everything I ever owned and knew to be with a man that I loved. Families were fractured, others were formed. Few people can relate to an action like that. After all, who in their right minds would ever do such a thing?

So with this understanding, I must therefore be absolutely insane.

(2) The perception of wealth

When most people imagine a Rwandan immigrant, they'd envision an individual who left everything they've ever owned behind and came here with nothing. It wouldn't be unusual to see donations of food or clothing towards their cause.

Once again, I did the same thing and I upped and left. But when I got here there were no donations, no support, no food. I had nothing with me except a few dollars which I put towards groceries which our roommate decided to devour. I had one bag of clothes and whatever it was I was wearing.

(3) Relative location

If anyone ever moved from the west coast to the east coast, they can easily attest to the vast differences in culture, norms and values.

A Rwandan would be hit with a huge amount of cultural shock, but not to worry, this obvious immigrant looks and acts the role of the immigrant, complete with the language barrier.

I on the other hand, moved all the way from far north west, to far south east. Three thousand miles from where I was born and where I grew up. I don't look like an obvious immigrant, I dress like an average young woman. If I opened my mouth to speak, you don't hear the intonations of an immigrant, you merely hear the voice of a woman who was obviously born in some other northern location. But that whole notion can be deceptive. It IS possible to grow up in a "westernized" world while being completely submerged in another, speak this language with blends of others.

When a Rwandan speaks, it would be expected to hear either french with some mix of broken english.

When I speak, you will hear english with french words because the region I was from in Canada has the second largest french population in the country.

Either way, when spoken to we will both face some sort of language barrier. It is only presumed that mine does not exist.

(4) Homesickness

Homesickness is a relative term that most are oftentimes familiar with whenever they must leave the place where they have become accustomed to. Nothing is more evident than a move across the country or even the move to another.

Like a Rwandan, I had to travel a very long way to get here. While the method of transportation may be in debate, the most obvious fact is that even though it is possible to "blend in" one cannot help but feel lonely and homesick.

Having traveled the world growing up and having spent time living in France, Spain and Germany, I'm more than accustomed to the feelings of "being far away from home". When you're in an obvious "new country" with its customs, culture and language it's understandable to feel overwhelmed. But what if you move to another location where it looks the same, sounds the same but it's not? It's an equally stressful situation in which it feels like someone just went into your mind, took the images you had of home, super imposed it here while rearranging everything in the process. The final product is something just as bizarre and confusing as the other scenario. The only difference is that people are generally less accommodating towards the other scenario.

One of my fondest memories was of coming here, and 2 days after arriving I had to drive my DH off to his armory in Winston-Salem from our hometown because he was leaving for a few weeks and he wanted to make sure I could get around. Needless to say, "getting lost" was an understatement. Somehow I wound up in another state. When I asked for help, all I got was "ain't you from around here... yer supposed to go in data direction to go east". Either way, I had no clue where I was let alone where I was supposed to go.

Homesickness takes years to overcome, some easier than others. Ultimately it relies on the strength of the individual's personality and their available support networks that see them through. The obvious immigrant would have these, the Unapparent one not so much.

Either way we'll both feel the same emptiness, the same loneliness when we look out over the horizon. The sky maybe the same, but everything else isn't. Home lies somewhere over that horizon, but it's both a place that we long to be in, but we can't be at.

(5) First world versus "less than third world countries"

This is a toughy to explain, but yes there really is a difference between how immigrants from first, second, third and fourth world countries are treated.

It's assumed that first world immigrants like those from Commonwealth countries such as myself, have an easier time. After all, it's easier for me to get home right?

I wish that was the case. First world, third world... it makes no difference. I overstayed my visa, a clear violation of immigration law. I leave, I'm BARRED from re-entering the States for a period of no less than 5 years. Not only that, I will also be returning to a place where such information can be tracked.

Unlike a Rwandan, disappearing into the masses is possible. It is a place where IDs can be more readily forged or bought. Homebirths are still common practice, all that an individual needs to do is to have some sort of witness attest that xyz person was born to Blah Blah in Village ABC on this date, thumb stamp here from some authoritative figure.

Coming from a place like Canada where everything is microchipped, silver foiled, colour coded, the works. . . . not so much. While it is POSSIBLE to do it, it's difficult and costly.

Get Deported? No Problem, Just Come back again!

Every country with its populace eager to leave its throngs will have them, those lowly individuals who ply their trade by sneaking people over the US border. For Mexicans they're Coyotes, for Asians they're Snakeheads.

For Canadians? I dunno... rum runners? Mapleleaves? Sound strange?

It's because such a thing doesn't exist except in aiding criminals in escaping persecution!

We have the largest unprotected border in the world! I can just hop over a fence in a field and be in the US!

But that doesn't make it any easier. I'll still have to walk through vast expanses of absolute nowhere to get anywhere.

(7) Get a job, it's easy because you speak english"

I love this one, when I'm approached with "oh it's easy for you to get a job". Is it easier for a Canadian to get a job in the US than any other immigrant?

Nope. In fact it's harder.

How does a Rwandan fair? Perhaps better than I will, at least at the "acquiring less than legal occupation" business.

Thought that their obvious immigrant status would be a handicap?

Most illegal immigrants who came here, came with prospects and goals different than my own. I didn't come here for better employment opportunities than what I could find in my own country, I came because I was (and still am) in love with my husband.

But unlike the "obvious immigrant", I didn't settle in a nice location filled with fellow immigrants from my country with its resources and ties. I don't have a vast expanse of social networks which include potential employers willing to hire me under the table because of my illegal status. I'm also not as readily exploitable to abuse. But that does not make me any less immune.

So here are my employment experiences thus so far:
Employer: "We want you to weld this rod to that pipe."
Me: ".... but I have no mask or gloves..."
Employer: "Just do what you're paid to do..."
Me: "Bite me, for $3 an hour I'd rather scrub a toilet than risk the obvious safety violation."

(8) "That" kind of immigrant

It's the dreaded words, "that" kind of immigrant. That's the kind of immigrant I am, the type that can come in and take a job from an American.

I'm the type of immigrant that was educated mostly in english, and expect certain standards of operation and will refuse to work for less unlike other immigrants. I know my rights as a worker, but I also know I can be exploited because I'm an illegal.

So that leaves me with the two options of either letting everyone know I'm an illegal or I lie and submit false information and get a job in some boutique somewhere.

Which leads me to the problems outlined in 5,6,7 and 9.

If caught, I face the same problems as any other illegal immigrant. The only difference with me is that I have a high powered attorney ready to fight for my case, meaning all it'll accomplish is increase that deficit by another 10k as he fights my deportation order. But in the meantime, I can still be picked up, carted off and detained indefinitely until the lawyer can get me out of the detention facility.

Since everyone here in NC is cracking down on illegal immigrants, the hubby has opt'd to keep me at home to keep me from being nabbed and detained.

(9) Legalities and perceptions

Once again, the Rwandan versus the Canadian Immigrant.

I love this bit, because I remember talking about it with my immigration lawyer. To summarize what he said "for cases of refugee status, I go pro bono but for a case like yours I'd have to charge the full amount". Pro bono, that means free. Full amount, that means 10k.

(10) "Go to the immigrant center and get help there"

Once again, I love this bit.

Churches have them, other charities have them... those fantastic care packages and services available for new immigrants. But what happens when an unapparent immigrant like me walks through the door? "Sorry, we only have so much to go around, we have to save it for the more serious cases."

So let me get this straight... I have nothing except a few pieces of clothing in a bag, no money to my name, no food in the fridge, no place to live... and I'm being pushed aside for a more "serious case".

HOW MUCH MORE SERIOUS CAN IT BE?!

(11) Fitting In?

Anyone who's ever moved can relate to the desire to fit in, but what happens when you don't fit in?

You're an immigrant therefore you're in your own little sect of society, apart from everyone else.

But even amongst the immigrants, you're stuck in your own little boat and ostracized. I never fled a civil war, or a tyrannical government. I came because of a guy I loved. Most immigrants (and the rest of the world) would go "huh?!"

(12) From suburbia to social welfare

I hate this point, but right now we have no other options. The DH's injuries are preventing him from working more hours, and the CS is tapping us dry.

We have no food, we barely made rent and I don't know how we'll survive this next bit. It took a lot of reservation to actually go through with filling out the paperwork to get foodstamps. My DH is humiliated, I'm mortified. No one we know knows about it.

But once again, that perception thing happens. It's more accepted that the obvious immigrant to go on social assistance, but the unapparent who, to outsider's point-of-view is just a teenager (I'm not, but I look it) and on social welfare?! "SHAME ON YOU! Give it to the people who actually need it."

(13) Maintaining the dynamics of a family

Now here's another interesting point, the dynamics of a family.

Marriage has and always will be, as the socially accepted institution for sexual relations. Children and a family are a natural consequence of conjugal coitus. Now with all this in mind, my DH would like to have a family with me and I'm not getting any younger.

For the Rwandan illegal, have a baby, make an anchor in the mighty US to keep you safe from deportation.

For a Canadian and having gone to school, would you want to have an "anchor baby" to keep you in the country? Perhaps it's the "all high and mighty" notion, but it feels rather demeaning knowing I had to produce a child here in order to keep myself here when my own professional merit could do it. But because of bureaucracy we can't afford to do anything else, and as such the reality of our first child becoming an anchor baby is a serious possibility.

(14) Married to an American? No problem instant greencard!

If only. That only happens in the movies.

Thanks to a fantastic movement by (you'll never guess) "my people", otherwise known as the fantastic group of generic Chinese and asian immigrants back in the 1940s the chances of me getting an automatic greencard are next to none. So what exactly happened back then?

During the 1940s was when the US let up its anti-exclusion acts for (very specifically) Chinese immigrants. What does this have to do with anything?

Back in the San Francisco fires, a majority of the immigrant records were destroyed. This resulted in a rather big problem, a very big chinese population that existed and no records showing how big their families were short of whatever it was they told them and some purchased/doctored birth certificates. This resulted in a brand new enterprise in china which was known as the "paper sons", or otherwise boys that don't exist anymore except on paper. A profitable businessman would then go back and forth and sell this "birth certificate" to anyone willing to fetch that price. But why stop there?

They went on to marry that "paper son" to a daughter and according to the "then" immigration laws, they were also US citizens now. So as you can imagine, marriage-of-conveniences were common place and somewhat expected.

Nowadays they still exist, except they're under the guise of other names. Mail order brides are still a booming business. So what does that mean for me?

This means that "just because I'm married to an American, doesn't mean I'm automatically entitled to a greencard". I STILL have to file my paperwork, pay the lawyers and appropriate fees just like if I was any other immigrant.

The only thing this changes is the class of my paperwork, I file under "family class" instead.

But as an immigrant, I'm still fair game for deportation just like any other border hopper. The increased demands on changes to immigration laws haven't improved my situation by much either.

Instead of it originally costing 1.3k in filing fees, it's now gone up to 1.7k in filing fees since January.

Win.

====

So with all that in mind, it is possible (in certain respects) to be worst off than other immigrants. Not because of the situation, but the perceived resources that I may have but in reality do not possess, or services that I need but are unavailable to me.

People can relate better with obvious immigrants. Unapparent ones like myself, not so much.

What's worst is the knowledge that these services are available and free of charge, but due to my "unique circumstances" I don't apply for any of them.

So with all that in mind, it is possible to be depressed as an immigrant, even more so when you're an unapparent immigrant.