Dear HS:

I don't understand why you would marry a man who you knew had a pregnant girlfriend and only made 1000 a month?
>>> At the time she wasn't his GF when we hooked up, she was someone elses.

When you knew you like to be provided for and don't want to be a SM. And you also don't want to be a daughter in law to his mother?
>>> At first I wanted to, but the excess in drama and fighting from him, the BM and my MiL finally cracked me. I gave it my best shot, my DH doesn't hold it against me that he did see that I gave it my best shot before I threw in the towel.

And you want him to move away from his child and you argue every week about him seeing his daughter? I don't get it.
>>> This may be a hard one to understand, but it's hard when in his own words "she'll never be my daughter". Before we were married, we made plans to leave NC. After we were married and all this hoopla with the BM happened, I offered to come here to help him sort things out. (Which is where this I'm stuck here drama started) began. Overall we still want to leave here because it was our plans to.

If you don't have food why would you spend money on a gift for MIL? There plenty sentimental gifts to offer that don't cost anything. You said you bought yourself a bracelet but then you said it was a gift?
>>> My sentimental gift bucket ideas is all empty. Not to mention uni has my attentions drawn elsewhere.

I really haven't understood much of your story. If NC is that bad, you should leave. Sounds to me that your DH wants a relationship with his child, moving him away might solve you current problem but a lifetime of resentment from him might just bring another. Maybe you two aren't a great fit?
>>> We are a great fit. We work well with everything else, and the moving away comes with his full consent and it was his idea as well. Like I said, the situation with the SD is complicated. The BM put in every effort to attempt to break us up, not to mention drama with him not seeing the child. From the get go she knew that this child meant something to him and emotionally extracted every single thing she could out of him until he cracked. I found him in that broken, angry state after the BM basically told him he was the daddy, after he caught her in bed with a bunch of other people he called off the entire engagement and left. Her BF moved in, he went off the deep end, I found him on the deep end and hauled him back. By that point he'd already reached his breaking point and went beyond it.

And that's the cause of my depression... the knowledge that we WILL be moving away, it's not a question of yes or no, it's a when. The fact that my DH does but yet doesn't care that he's leaving her depressed me to no ends for a LONG time. (His rationale being that he wasn't meant to step into this role, his BD will grow up calling other guy "daddy" as she already does. He's only going to visit because his mom's guilting him to do it, otherwise he was more than content to sign the cheques over).

That's the area where all of our fighting draws from: I feel guilty about everything, but he doesn't blame me and he understands my reluctance after the drama we went through. But just because he's accepted it, doesn't mean this knowledge becomes any easier to live with.

HS-

I have no idea where his take is on this. As far as he's explained it to me, he's OUT. He's only in this because of the fantastic amounts of guilt everyone's put him through.

I had to LITERALLY threaten him at gunpoint (yes it did involve an actual gun and it was loaded) to make up his mind because I wasn't coping at all.

"I have a feeling he knows his mother is right in that he should not abandon his child. "

>>> You're probably right, but overall he hasn't exerted any indication otherwise. He's told me he's content being the guy that signs the cheques over.

"There in lies his trap.. deep down he knows he should stay, but then he realizes that is accepting a lifetime of drama from BM, and also changing his mind on you his wife.. who is suffering in this current state."

>>> I understand that.

"What would he say if you told him, "DH, I will support whatever you choose. If you really want to stay and fight to be a part of BD's life, then I will find happiness here. If you want to go, then I will support you and understand that might be easier on all. Which do you choose?"'

>>> I've told him time and time again, that I'm here to support whatever decision he chooses HOWEVER I will not be the one to instigate that decision. This means I WILL NOT (and it included those words in that tone) be the one to file for custody for him where I do all the work and he signs the paperwork. I WILL NOT organize his meetings for his child. Unless he tells me to do something specifically, I will not take the initiative to do whatever.

Even if it's for his own good he has to do it himself.

After his mom went off on me, that was when I told him that I flat out refuse now to have any role in the child's life. He just sat there and didn't say a word.

Think whatever you wish of me, but I don't want to stay here. I do not want any role in the child's life. I exist as nothing more than a name and I'm fine with that.

Once upon a time, things were different. A year ago I was all active, she was born and I was trying to get him interested in her. He did/didn't care. I think he was just numb.

Things changed inside me when I found myself holding a gun to his sternum yelling at him to accept that role. Then I realized what kind of monster I had become. He wasn't ready, and he was tired and broken. I wasn't making things any better, even worst I was an emotional pawn for the BM to use with the baby as nothing more than a carrot being dangled infront of our faces.

Afterwards things changed.

I couldn't stand the sight of the child. I couldn't stand the mere mention of her name.

I was disgusted with myself.

I don't want this role. My DH has accepted that I don't want to do it, in reality he can't blame me because all this came about after we were married and he had no intentions of staying here.

It took several long conversations, but he finally admitted that this is a role that neither of us were ready for, nor was it a job we wanted. There was no place for me at all. She already had a BM, and the SD already had a "dad".

Even though it doesn't make any rational sense to anyone, this was our stance.

No more drama. No more heartstrings being tugged and ripped. This child doesn't deserve to be used as a pawn by the BM.

I told you, it was complicated. But that should put somethings into perspective. Yes I did have a gun, an actual handgun and it was loaded and ready to shoot.

That's the level of stress that we're dealing with.

Now I have to deal with the knowledge that I had to hold a gun to my own husband.