Hardest 2 days since I've been with DFH- big rant
The kids graduated yesterday and had a field day today. These last two days have been the hardest since I started seeing DFH! Yesterday, DFH, myself, his parents, my mom, BM and her parents all attended the graduation. It was agreed for the kids sake that we would all sit together. As introductions were made, BM introduced herself to my mother using her married last name, that she still keeps "for the kids". Then, DFH parents start talking to her and completely ignore me when it was just the 4 of us there! Then, picture time came and the first photo taken is of the "nuclear" family! WTH! That family is BROKEN! I am sure I am being a child, but this is really hard and I think my feelings are valid. DFH called me over to get a picture and BM WOULD NOT MOVE OUT OF THE PICTURE!! Did she think we were going to take one with the 5 of us?! NO WAY! Then, we go to get refreshments and one child grabbed my hand and pointed out a friend to me. Well, the friend was being shy so their mother said hello and introduced herself. I introduced myself with just my name because until we get married, I dont know what the hell I am anyway. Well, as soon as I introduced myself, BM swings around and ask our kid if that was a friend of hers to a "uh huh" response with no indication that our kid wanted to introduce her. Then BM says well hi, I'm kids mommy! She might as well have peed right there to mark her spot! During the refreshments she insisted on parading DFH around introducing him to the few people she knew as Kids Daddy! As people look at me and think who the h*** is that?! So hard! Then, today at field day DFH and I got there early and watched them at recess prior to the races. BM walks up and tries to buddy buddy up to us. I do not want to be her friend! I will sit with her when I have to, but that is it! This is ridiculous, she is NOT in my family! Well, as we were standing there another mother walks up and asks if I'm the kids mother. I said no, I am so and so and introduced the "real" parents. I behaved! Well, from there I was insignificant! The mother that walked up has multiples too and so they started about how hard it was the first 2 years! And DFH chimes in with oh yeah, I am so glad we had help! I am not delusional, I know that I was not around when the kids were little, but come on. Is it necessary to have their history shoved and smeared all over my face?! As the races began, DFH moved to get a better angle for pictures, leaving me with BM! Ugh, I just cant stand it! I was staring at the door thinking if I ran now my life could be much simpler! But, then its like now, I deserve happiness too and DFH is my soul mate! She would win and I would be miserable if I left. I just feel like everyone is getting their ideal situation but me. They got to be selfish and get married young and stay in a horrible marriage only to try to fix it with kids 5 years later! Well now that they are out, they stumbled upon me. I am not their mother, but I fulfill those duties with more love and attention than BM and I hate to have to take a backseat around her just to make her feel better! I feel like I always have to put myself second and my feelings second in order to make things more convenient for everyone else! I am sure that is motherhood and Im happy to do it for the kids, but for BM! Get out of town! When has she ever done that for me?! She flipped out when I made cookies with them once! What?! I'm sorry they were kindergartners before you let them bake cookies! That is a personal problem, not mine! DFH took the kids after Field Day with him and they went out for a fun day! He took some great pictures and texted them to me and HER?!! What? That is so annoying, those are our family memories! SHe is not in our family anymore! I need help, I can't stop crying from frustation and aggrivation!
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Comments
First just take a second and
First just take a second and breath...
they are probably the hardest days so far because you had to deal with her, together with the kids and families. She (BM) obviously has some issues with wanting to be the shining star and make sure everyone knows her "status". This was the first time and gives you experience on how to handle future group gatherings. Once you're married I'd introduce myself as "the current Mrs. K" or Mr.K's wife or SK Step-Mother. Our BM kept DH's last name too and although it's annoying I can understand, I kept my married name when I divorced because I didn't want my son to grow up with a different last name than me. I was a child of divorce and it honestly bothered me that my mother had a different name.
Parents of multiples have that common subject, don't let that conversation upset you, in the future you'll meet other Mom's and StepMom's at functions where you have the kids current activities in common.
You just have to get your bearings on how to deal with her (BM) she sounds like she is trying to find her "rank" and especially with all the inlaws and ex inlaws there.
WTH? that is some weird
WTH? that is some weird excuse = " I kept my married name when I divorced because I didn't want my son to grow up with a different last name than me. "
Is that going to affect the child? Do you really think the child is going to feel bad because Mom doesn't have Dad's name?
Gia, first of all it's not
Gia,
first of all it's not an "excuse" I was simply stating that the reason that it doesn't bother me about the last name, and trying to explain that not everything is done with an ulterior motive as you seem to think.
as for making the child feel bad about the different names yes it may, as I pointed out, it bothered me AS A CHILD!!! SO, depending on the child it may or may not.
and as a married then divorced mother you are GIVEN A CHOICE. I CHOSE to keep my married name. I don't understand why you took such offense other than the fact that I a BM as well.
Hennypen, this is the problem
Hennypen, this is the problem with online communication, you can't add a tone of voice. I did not get offended at all, I just find it very weird for a child to think about these things. It is common sense, they get dad's last name, mom and dad are not together = mom doesn't have dad's last name. But, whatever floats your boat. I think is disrespectful to keep ex's last name, especially if he remarries.
and it may be common sense
and it may be common sense for you, but not a child and not for everyone. That is the wonderful thing about opinions we are allowed to have our own and we make them based on life experiences. Some of mine are based on my parents divorcing when I was young and the things and point of view that my child may have and the ones I wanted to avoid for him.
The whole point of bringing up the last name thing was So FutureMrs.K wouldn't worry so much about that, it's insignificant and that decision was probably made before she came along. And that it may not have been made with manipulation/hurtfulness in mind.
*and I agree about online communication it's not like having a face to face conversation about stuff, I did not mean to come across strongly, just trying to explain a little of my point of view*
Oh my-i totally empathize for
Oh my-i totally empathize for u all. I wonder at times why I too fell in love with a man in this situation. Is weird how black and white they can be....he thinks because I am with him all I shouldn't feel hurt or emotiional at times-like DUH capatin obvious, while I knew what I was gettinto does not mean the sd's behavior or bm's antics don't affect me. Just annoying amd NO they will never fully get it. While my fiance is suppoertive and can't stannd his ex, he still scratches his head when I need to disengage. Newsfalsh being a second wife and coming into a already established family isn't a walk in the park-hell say its so common-YES I know, amd every other woman has similar rollercoaster feelings and opinions if they find themselves in a step situation. So I have a question for just pray-how is ur SD involved in ur wedding amd when is she going to bed LOL thanks hang in there K-we are here for u!!!
Well DFH just came by my work
Well DFH just came by my work with the kids. I am still upset from this morning and he could tell. He just told me to "let it go" What frustrates me is that he will NEVER know how this feels? He will never understand that it is INAPPROPRIATE to send texts to the ex. She has a camera, she can take pics when she is with them. What is she going to keep those as HER memories, they aren't! If it was a recital or a game or something, that would be different! This was just an outing! I am pretty upset with DFH right now. Who is he to tell me to "let it go" and that these are "silly things" and I need to "come back to myself!?"
Is he the type you can talk
Is he the type you can talk to. Maybe wait until it isn't so raw and emotional for you to really talk about it and how it makes you feel? That's what I've done, for me it works. I wait until I am calmer, until I can really explain how it makes me feel awkward, out of place, the third wheel. How I thought maybe he still had feelings for her and they used the kids to keep that tie. My DH was surprisingly very receptive when I waited and was calm about it and we could really talk without either one being defensive.
I don't agree to "let it go" because if you do, and it happens again you will start to build resentment about it and then it'll be worse when you finally do blow up about it.
Sorry for spelling-on my
Sorry for spelling-on my blackberry!!!
I can not even begin to tell
I can not even begin to tell you how much this site means to me! Yesterday, I was at my wits end! It was terrible, but hearing from all of you has given me perspective and the ability to rationally express my feelings. I spoke to DFH last night and explained how I felt and he explained the reason he was frustrated yesterday was because I shut down in front of her. I wasnt myself...he was totally right, but I explained that I am trying and next time I will know how to handle her and be more forthcoming with conversation and opinion when needed in front of her. So, I would have to say it was all ok in the end. SHe's not going away, but I know DFH has my back and loves me and the girls love me. Thats what matters!
I have so many thoughts and
I have so many thoughts and opinions on this.. First of I'm so sorry your dealing with all this! The more posts I read the more I see that all you women are going thru the same thing as me, and before I say what I think, I wanna tell all you ladies how strong you are, hopw strong we all are for sticking with it! I always say I wish that for just one whole day my BF could feel the way I have the last year and deal with what we all have to deal with, and if the shoe was on the other foot, you know these men would be livid! ANYWAYS.. I cannot believe she would do that at these events.. Like, grow up BM! You fucked up and lost him and he has moved on.. It pisses me off when its like a pity party for the dad/husband/bf whatever "I was in a bad situation n didn't wanna make kids uncomfortable" ok, without me sounding like a bitch lol, cause I love you Rags, but maybe some of the men should consider telling BMs that THEY are making the kids uncomfortable!!! Hello!! And for her to be in all the pics! (Barf) that's nasty!! As if we would want to frame that?!? Come on.. I kept thinking about a few weeks back when BM came to me n BFs house to get the kids, well ss9 was out playin with his friends, and I called him in, well ss9 wanted to keep playing so his friend asked me if he could stay out longer, well BM was standing by me and was like "Hi, I'm ss9 Mom.. He has to leave" UM hello, I could have said that, get off my porch lol.. But I know how u feel, BM doesn't have to tell everyone who talks to you that she is the "mom" it does hurt! And I still to this day don't know why the BF and Hubbys stick up for their BMs, sooo many times I have felt my BF puts BMs feelings before mine, it breaks my heart!
Another thing..lol, sorry too
Another thing..lol, sorry too many thoughts all together.. A couple wknds ago me and BF were at BMs house for sgirls bdays.. Well we decided to do it together since it would be their first bday without both parents since the divorce..so, okay.. BF was by my side the whole time and the kids were talking to me more then their mom lol.. BF mom loves me so we talked a lot... Well then pic time came, and I believe BM knew better then to take a pic with my BF while I'm there, he wouldn't anyways!! But funny thing, BF and I were sitting together and sd4 sat in my lap, BFs mom was like "let me take a pic of you 3!!" And BM was practically glaring the whole time!! Hahahahah, soooo sad for BM! I hope that makes you feel better