Pantera, has he been to counceling before. 10 was not a tough age for SS12 but SS who just turned 10, is way more emotional & distant making 10 a special experiance..

My SS acted like this at home with BM and SF, but DH and I never had behavior problems when SS was with us for visitation. When BM had enough and gave SS the option to come live with us, SS refused. The problem at SS's home was that BM was (and still is) a guilty disney parent while SF (now exSF) was trying to establish boundaries and discipline. Does this sound similar to your story?

"He has said in the past that he didn't like me because I do the things he wishes his BM would do. So its almost like this child hates us because we take care of him." --> I don't think SS hates you for this - it's really just misdirected anger. He's really mad at his mom for not being more like you, so that's why he tries to be a good boy when he's with BM. So that maybe, just maybe, she'll come around and be the type of mom that you have demonstrated for him.

I think your SS could benefit from some counselling and trying to sort through his feelings with an objective person. Sometimes it's painful for a child to share those thoughts with their own parents/stepparents.

OMG I am scared for you. He is the one who constantly scrapes the paint off the bathroom tiles right? Your husband has to get him into someone new. I would save that comic for the new therapist. How is he with animals?

well that is good about the dog ( sorry but they always say serial killers start with animals) He is obviously a very angry & screwed up little boy, my hats off to you for all that you do & put up with. I would be pressuring DH daily about ther therapist, for the good of the child.

even if you emphisize that it is only because you want him to be happy & be the best kid he can be?

Hey, I know sometimes when I am upset I go at it the "wrong" way, when I turn it around too the benefit of the kids Dh reacts better.

Hey OT but are your tiles in the tub or on the bathroom walls. We had really ugly wall tile & your posts made me look into painting them. However I found a video on HGTV website where they made a wainscotting that can be liquid nailed over existing wall tiles. It is made for bathrooms, we did it & it looks awesome & was not the hardest thing to put up. I think it is even paintable ( I will find out cuz my dad burnt a small spot by the toilet while doing some plumbing.

My oldest soon to be SS behaves somewhat similar, Pantera. His situation is also similar. His Mom is worthless and sees him rarely. I often tell my fiance when he's acting up that he's doing it because my fiance is his safe place. He's the parent who won't run away, who won't leave him no matter what. He's the safe place for SS to point his frustration and anger. My SS doesn't dare do anything angry at his mother. She already abandoned him and takes up a small place in his life. He doesn't dare make her mad. He might never see her again. I try very hard to imagine what life might be like from the point of view of that child who is semi-abandoned by one of his parents. Can you imagine how scary that would be? I just try really hard to keep showing my SS love and reassuring him that we're not going anywhere.

I remember when SS was about 10. Him and my son were in my sons room and I heard SS being really mean to him. Really aggressive and rude. When I walked in, SS was half turned away from me, but I would still see his mouth. He had the awful scowl on his face, but when he heard me ask what was wrong, it was a complete transformation! His face went from mean and ugly to happy and bright. I asked what was going on, (I had been listening for about a minute as SS was a rude mean butt to my son) SS smiled and said nothing. I told him some of what I heard and he said…”you must have heard wrong, I would not say stuff like that”

I was floored!! That was the first of a few things that made me realize I would not marry or live with my SO until SS was way older or moved off with his BM.

Fooled me!! SS and BM moved off when he was 16, so I got married to DH, because I thought it was safe. 6 months after we married she sent SS to live with us. Oh joy!

Oh trust me, I know about the issues! LOL, I don't mean to come off all sounding like nothing's wrong. ADHD, which your SS suffers from as does mine and ODD, are big issues. You know what I think truly keeps my frustration level down? I don't try to love him like he's mine. I think in a way, I'm lucky. My fiance and I both have our own biological children and we both acknowledge that it's not 'the same' No way does he love my son like he does his kids and no way do I love his like I love mine. We are open and honest with each other about that (of course we don't rub that fact in to the kids) and that takes so much of the pressure off the situation. He and I both feel that at least with each other, honesty and openness is best and we don't try to pretend maternal or paternal love for each others children. Do I care about his? Of course. Does he care about mine? Yes but it's just not the same and I feel that being honest about that keeps the situation actually more fair and easy for the kids. Do I discipline his and he mine? Yes but the bottom line (Decisions AND responsibility for issues) always rests with the parent of the child.