I thank the mother of my stepchildren. I do it silently for I don't know that she has the capability to ever understand.

She rattled my world and because of my inabilities to cope (let alone handle) with what she brought to the table caused me to seek therapy.

My feeling of being powerless when it came to dealing with her was all due to my own past and the burdens of it weighing me down. I was riddled with heightened emotions and PTSD symptoms and she was merely a contributing factor that I could not face because I hadn't dealt with the demons of the past. Therapy has caused me to take my recovery into my own hands and stop waiting on the world to change. I'm ready to accept the world just as it presents itself to be.

My husband deals with the mother of his children in his own way and I stopped being so attached to any part of it. It's their own dance. I don't get to determine what is right or wrong. It is just simply what works for them. It's up to them to decide what exactly that entails. I think I severed the final string when my husband asked me to help him in a situation I saw coming from a mile away. He chose to put it off. So I simply replied to his plea for help... "No. I'm sorry you're struggling with this but this is your battle now."

And so he's handling it.

He's not mad. He still loves me.

For the first time in my life... and I mean it when I say the first time... I know that I deserve that love. I know that even if he walked away when I say that I don't want to be involved in the chaos that his ex... my decision deserves to be respected. I deserve to be loved and respected.

I am less angry now that I appreciate that my anger was justified if only by me and just part of the process. I also know that fear helped protect me all along and that it's good to be afraid sometimes. Facing your own demons is far more scary than pointing out the demons of others. My stepdaughters' mom gets to be angry and afraid too. It is a demon that we share. I understand it and I wholeheartedly forgive her for it. She is just as imperfect as me.

I am content knowing that I am beautifully flawed and make mistakes. I am stronger now and I feel like this path I'm on is headed in a direction that I want to go.

I hugged the mother of my stepdaughters on Mother's Day. I didn't feel afraid, manipulated, resentful, obligated, or disgruntled. I literally felt at peace. She walked over to me and I didn't even care about her intentions whatsoever.

She's just a person who is trying too, no matter how dysfunctional it may be.

I love my family. I love my friends. I love a little website called StepTalk where I grew as a woman with the help of other lost souls.

I am more than I ever thought I was and I am very proud of who I am becoming.

Much love.

Colorado Girl