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Anger is okay... Fear is my friend... and I am more than I ever thought I was.

Colorado Girl's picture

I thank the mother of my stepchildren. I do it silently for I don't know that she has the capability to ever understand.

She rattled my world and because of my inabilities to cope (let alone handle) with what she brought to the table caused me to seek therapy.

My feeling of being powerless when it came to dealing with her was all due to my own past and the burdens of it weighing me down. I was riddled with heightened emotions and PTSD symptoms and she was merely a contributing factor that I could not face because I hadn't dealt with the demons of the past. Therapy has caused me to take my recovery into my own hands and stop waiting on the world to change. I'm ready to accept the world just as it presents itself to be. Smile

My husband deals with the mother of his children in his own way and I stopped being so attached to any part of it. It's their own dance. I don't get to determine what is right or wrong. It is just simply what works for them. It's up to them to decide what exactly that entails. I think I severed the final string when my husband asked me to help him in a situation I saw coming from a mile away. He chose to put it off. So I simply replied to his plea for help... "No. I'm sorry you're struggling with this but this is your battle now."

And so he's handling it.

He's not mad. He still loves me.

For the first time in my life... and I mean it when I say the first time... I know that I deserve that love. I know that even if he walked away when I say that I don't want to be involved in the chaos that his ex... my decision deserves to be respected. I deserve to be loved and respected.

I am less angry now that I appreciate that my anger was justified if only by me and just part of the process. I also know that fear helped protect me all along and that it's good to be afraid sometimes. Facing your own demons is far more scary than pointing out the demons of others. My stepdaughters' mom gets to be angry and afraid too. It is a demon that we share. I understand it and I wholeheartedly forgive her for it. She is just as imperfect as me.

I am content knowing that I am beautifully flawed and make mistakes. I am stronger now and I feel like this path I'm on is headed in a direction that I want to go.

I hugged the mother of my stepdaughters on Mother's Day. I didn't feel afraid, manipulated, resentful, obligated, or disgruntled. I literally felt at peace. She walked over to me and I didn't even care about her intentions whatsoever.

She's just a person who is trying too, no matter how dysfunctional it may be.

I love my family. I love my friends. I love a little website called StepTalk where I grew as a woman with the help of other lost souls.

I am more than I ever thought I was and I am very proud of who I am becoming.

Much love.

Colorado Girl

Comments

sweetthing's picture

I am so proud of you too! You have had a long & hard journey my friend. It is amazing what we can do when we look inside ourselves & realize that we need to change.

ST has helped a lot of us grow & to just make it through our days w/o knocking off our family members. Smile

Colorado Girl's picture

Thanks!!

Sia's picture

Wow CG...I so admire you, and you know that! You've come so far, and you are a GREAT example of what we all can do when we step out of our comfort zone to look at ourselves in the mirror!!! Luv ya! Many HUGS to you!

Colorado Girl's picture

I am so happy I can barely contain it. Smile

Therapy is really hard. The results though? Priceless.

That old saying... it all starts with the first step. It was the hardest one and the most valuable one.

The disordered person in my life forced me to take that step.

And the rest all seems to be falling into place. Yay.

Sia's picture

I guess it all depends on the therapist. I'm glad you have found one who pushes you and challenges you as well.

BMJen's picture

I knew you'd find your way through the funk that had you trapped in it! I'm really happy that you are happy. Smile

misfit's picture

Colorado Girl,

I often read and re read your posts, especially when I'm feeling down about my life. It's like much of what you say is a direct application to my struggles. You are a champ and I'm so glad you contribute your intellect, introspection and LOVE to this site.

You make me smile. I'm glad for you Smile