Am I overreacting? Haunted House
This is my first blog entry. I will try to keep up with the many issues I deal with every week. The problem of the week is this: Bf wants to keep his house that he and BM lived in with their son. We've talked about this before as he was making his decision to short sale the house...however, it's been months and the potential buyer pulled out. His realtor is quite pushy, wanting him to keep the house. He knows how I feel about him keeping the house...I would not feel comfortable living there, let alone hanging out there if he lived there. That house is a part of his old life, and I wish he could just break free and start a new chapter. Not only that, but his son remembers that house as the house Daddy and Mommy lived in, not Daddy and Gf. Most of all, I'm just uncomfortable in that house (I've step foot in there before, helping him clean for the open house). I try to think of it in a practical sense; an instant house...but I just can't see myself enjoying life in that house. Since I am just the gf, and he already knows how extremely opposed I am to him keeping the house...I can't tell him what to do. I wouldn't want him to let it foreclose "for me" (as he had stated), that will only bring on resentment. Ultimately it's his house, his decision...I feel like I have no say because we are not married or engaged. I'm upset that he is even considering it, knowing how i feel. I really don't see it working out if he decides to try and keep the house.
Am I overreacting? How many of you are now living in a house where they once lived?
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I do... I moved in with DH
I do... I moved in with DH to the house he and BM had and really I could care less. I have redecorated, recarpeted, repainted, etc... so it's not "her" stuff there now, it's mine. I try to remember it's not that stuff that makes a house a home, it's what happens inside the house that makes it a home.
NoDrama - I live in the
NoDrama - I live in the house dh lived in with Wingnut. Doesn't bother me in the least. Its a great house, in a great neighborhood. It was her house, but it is MY home. Of course, I repainted every room, put in new flooring, and all of the furniture is stuff dh and I bought together, so there is nothing at all here that was once "hers". Can you see yourself making it YOUR house sometime in the future?
"That's how women are, aren't they? We want to know that others have been where we've been, who understand our fragile places, and who see our sunsets in the same shades of blue" - Beth Moore
Maybe it was easier in our
Maybe it was easier in our situation because dh moved out of the house and he and I lived together elsewhere until Wingnut could no longer afford the house and she moved out and we moved in together so it wasn't like she left and he lived here with their stuff. None of her stuff was still here (in fact, she took all of dh's stuff, as well).
My only worry was that she would poison the neighbors while dh was gone. Turns out, she tried, but they all thought she was a nutbag.
"That's how women are, aren't they? We want to know that others have been where we've been, who understand our fragile places, and who see our sunsets in the same shades of blue" - Beth Moore
lol, nutbag
lol, nutbag
I did... and it sucks. Her
I did... and it sucks. Her crap will be there. Its inevitable. She used to think it was okay to walk her fat ass in the house because her crap was in it, and because it was "hers". ANd then she would complain that this wasn't done and that wasn't done. And she would just grab shit. I didn't care, take all of it, less for us to have to move.
But her ghost will always be there. And the neighbors will be spying on you and reporting back to her. Or asking DH how she is doing? Like he freaking knows or even cares. And doing this while he is obviously with you.
Need I say more?
i know exactly how you
i know exactly how you feel.
i moved in with dh 4 months after we met. it was the apartment he shared with bm when they were married. granted it was only a year, it still was horrible. and i hated finding things i knew were hers. or things given to her for ss. but dh was in a lease that he had continued once bm moved out (she was still living in the same complex, just a smaller unit, imaginge that? bm as a neighbor too) i would see her some mornings as we pulled out to go to work in the morning, we used different gates and would end up head on looking at eac other.
anyways, i can relate. and the bummer is that no matter what, i think its going to creat issues. for example, i never felt it was my home, it was always temporary, and that took a toll on our relationship. if we fought i felt dh (fiance at the time) was going to just kick me out. It was "his home" not only the place he shared with bm, and because of that i never made it my own. However, i sucked it up and delt because i knew it was temporary, and even though she was there before, i was there now and thats what was important! I think that if you make bf feel the need to for close on the house, that resentment may outlast any bad feelings you have over bm having lived there in the past. this is because bm living there is exactly that..the past. bf having to sell his house is the present and that will effect you and him now.
Is it temporary? can bf give you a time frame to get out of there? maybe if you knew it was in fact a temp thing it would help you, i know it did for me. especially because bm had signed the lease with dh back in the beginning and she was on state asst, so rent for a huge apartment was only 800 (usually 1400) dh was able to continue to pay the bills and i paid off debt, so i just reminded myself of that. also, i never paid for anything but utilities because i refused to contribute to a place that he had lived in before me.
when dh & i first moved in
when dh & i first moved in together it was in the old house of dh & bm ---- they didn't live there long --- but i still hated it, even after all her shit was gone --- anything she left behind "intentionally" or not has been thrown away at the dump! and some of the shit i'm sure she really regrets leaving behind... after moving all of my furniture in and changing everything i still HATED living there... one time my young sd5 at the time made the comment "i was here first, but i guess it's ok if you are here as long as you know i was here first".... we have since moved into MINE & dhs house and i am so much happier... it's bigger, nicer and has a pool -- but mostly because it's just "ours"..... i'm a little too territorial, but i say F it -- i bought the house with MY money, so i feel the right...
so, due to the housing market -- if you & bf can afford the house, i say keep it and move/burn every shread of bf's ex to save your/his credit for buying a new house in the future.... if you proceed to get married than i would insist a new house has to be a condition..
but get this shit, i get junk mail and collection mail at my house addressed to exBM --- now that will really burn your ass.
we did too!! bm had debt
we did too!! bm had debt collectors that actually showed up at our door. bm took her dead dads un paid motorcycle and sold it and never paid the finance company, then moved....they kept coming to our door! ugh, pissed me off
OMG what a loser douche bag
OMG what a loser douche bag of a bm!
Why not provide them with a
Why not provide them with a more accurate address so they can bother her?
bm had just moved...we didnt
bm had just moved...we didnt know the exact address, dh gave them directions from what he remembered from where she had tld us she was living, and gave them the phone number. they still bothered us, dh finally said he was going to sue them for harassment if they didnt leave us alone, and they stopped, but there was always letters from debt collectors coming in
I moved into a house with an
I moved into a house with an ex boyfriend years ago, one that he had bought and shared with his ex. I was miserable there. And she did leave behind things so that I could find them when she moved out and he and I moved in.
I hated it. I knew that I would hate it, but I did it anyhow. I did everything I could to redecorate, but those were years ago and it's not like we made very good money.
So do what you feel comfortable with. If you aren't comfortable with it, don't move in with him, and don't stay the night over there. If you aren't comfortable with it now, you probably won't be if you forced yourself to try to 'get over it'. I never could. Good luck!
He tried to sell it. It
He tried to sell it. It didn't sell. Other than like he said, letting it foreclose, I would say he really doesn't have another alternative if he can't afford two payments. Granted, he could rent it, but then he would have to worry about fnances if the renters reneged.
The market is bad right now. He'd probably take a beating on it anway. Give it some time.
By the way, thank you for
By the way, thank you for everyone's comments. I appreciated the advice!
I moved into my DH's that he
I moved into my DH's that he bought with BM and first home that SD remembers. I did what others have said and redecorated - big time. New paint, new carpeting, my furniture, my art work, etc. It easily became our home. I quickly established boundaries with BM and she for the most part respected them. She even said something to the effect "You've really made this place your own". I think that she meant it as a compliment. Maybe you can be flexible and give it a try. The housing market is just beginning to improve and if you are still uncomfortable you can talk about moving. At least your BF will know that you tried and that's worth something.
We still live in that house - it's my home and I love it.
Glynne