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I'm Not "Mom" But I am MOM. Does This Make Sense to Anyone?

TheOtherMom's picture

Submitted by TheOtherMom on Wed, 04/07/2010 - 8:12pm

SS9's Therapist today: "Does it bother you that they don't call you mom?"

I shrug. "Not really ... I guess ... I mean ... I just hate hearing my 3 syllable name over and over and over. But I guess I would feel that way about them saying mom mom mom right?"

SS9's Therapist: "Not necessarily. But you DO realize that it's just a word right? And while words are important to kids, actions are important to healthy young adults ... you ARE their mother. That is your role. Now YOU have to accept your role."

My role? Is that like my duty? I feed, clothe, house, and used to bathe them. But I also fix toys, reprimand, praise, and cuddle them at any opportunity they need (or I need).

How do I NOT accept my role???

Because I don't feel totally okay with another woman interloping in my life? Isn't that normal? What women DOES like that?

Comments

belleboudeuse's picture

Submitted by belleboudeuse on Wed, 04/07/2010 - 8:34pm

TOM, I get this, but in a different way. Maybe that means I shouldn't be responding. But:

My YSD (16) has been all but abandoned by her mom. She told me on Sunday that she considers me more of a mother figure than her own mother. Because her mother is a horrible horrible bitch to her.

SO on the one hand, I feel like this kid considers me "Mom." And yet, for all her nice words to me about how she considers me a mother figure...

Her mother only has to do ONE marginally nice thing to her, and she's all over it. Don't get me wrong -- I SO want BM to treat her right.

But it's tough for me that, on the one hand, I feel this huge responsibility to give YSD the mother figure she never had, and on the other, know that I'm really just a substitute for what she really wants and wishes she could have.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

belleboudeuse's picture

Submitted by belleboudeuse on Wed, 04/07/2010 - 9:11pm

Thanks. I can't tell you how much it means to me to have a little validation. Really.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

TheOtherMom's picture

Submitted by TheOtherMom on Wed, 04/07/2010 - 10:07pm

No no you are right. It is hard for me too.
To say what a Mom would do ... but you ARE a mom so why say "would"?

StepMadre's picture

Submitted by StepMadre on Thu, 04/08/2010 - 12:02am

I agree, It's just a word. The way I think about is that we are all parents here even if we didn't give birth to our kids. I have three sets of Grandparents, only one of which are my blood grandparents, but they are all my grandparents to me and always will be. They are Granny and Papa, Grandaddy and Grandmother and Grandma and Grandpa. They all have different titles to me, but they are all my family and I love them all.

You are a parent and a mom and it really doesn't matter what you are called, unless it is important to you. I leave it up to my skids what they want to call me and most of the time they call me by my first name, but they also frequently use their nickname for me (which is really cute and affectionate) and sometimes they call me mom or introduce me to people as their mom. I haven't and never will replace their biological mother and wouldn't want to! They just have two moms and one dad and we are all fine with that (except for BM who wishes that her kids hated me, but no such luck).

It's a really weird position to be in though and I have been in more awkward situations regarding this than I can say. Most of the time people think I am their bio-mom and assume that the hubby, kids and I are one happy little family unit and that can get awkward because sometimes the kids will point out that I'm their step-mom and sometimes they introduce me as their mom. It's a strange feeling, but I'm leaving it up to them! I do mom things for them, care about them like a mom, financially support them like a mom (which is more than BM does), and feel like a mom. Since I haven't been there since their births and they have a bio-mom in the background it can still feel weird and I can't wait to adopt a baby that is just my husbands and mine, but I'm a mom right now and I will be then too.

It's a really strange, weird situation to be put in and weird, upset, confused feelings are totally normal. I don't think anyone should any pressure on themselves to feel a certain way or beat themselves up for not being comfortable with the mom label or the lack of it. We are very, very important people in these kids lives and we should all be proud of that. It's way harder to take on someone else's kids and learn to love them (or like them) than it is to give birth and have that bio-bonding and oxytocin rush that birth mothers get.

"If you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh, otherwise they will kill you." ~Oscar Wilde

SteppingUp's picture

Submitted by SteppingUp on Thu, 04/08/2010 - 9:15am

This totally hits home for me too! I agree with everyone that it is "just a word" and that your actions speak louder than the word "Mom"...

When the skids talk about how they have so many grandparents and aunts and uncles and about me being their step-mom, I always say, "Aren't you just so lucky to have so many people in your life that love you?" It just brings a huge smile to SD4's face Smile The only thing that really matters is that the kids feel your love...this will transcend any title the world may give you.

Just last night, I was tucking in SS2. He accidentally said, "Mama!" Then he looked at me and started to giggle. We laughed and I teased him a little and as I was tucking in SD4 on the top bunk, I heard him talking to himself. He was saying, "SteppingUp mama...yup, SteppingUP is mama too!" My heart melted.