Okay...I'm not judging you and actually commend you on coming on here and admitting that you are jealous. That's a great step!

But, what I think you have to realize is that all families are different in the way they were raised. Therefore, what you consider to be too much affection from your DH may have been perfectly normal in his family while he was growing up. To even mention anything about molestation is questionable to me.

I don't see anything wrong in what you have described here. In fact I see a loving Father. I was raised in an affectionate family and therefore I cuddle, caress, stroke my SD's hair all of the time. She sits in the middle of my lap and her Fathers. To assume that there may be something sexual in that is absolutely wrong.

My SD also went through a baby faze. I will play baby with her, but my FH corrects her every time she called him Dada. IT is a normal part of growing up. They are in a weird stage at 4-6 where they are no longer babies, but not quite kids either. IT's normal.

What I would suggest is you and FH getting on the same page in regards to rules and discipline. You both have the right to be listened to in your home. That goes both ways between the adults and the skids.

***Life - It's not a rehearsal***

Ajchick, so sorry for your miscarriage.

It can be so confusing and difficult to feel jealousy toward a child. People who haven't been in a step situation likely would not be able to understand, and would be very judgmental of you.

Some thoughts:

First, even though you find yourself having very negative feelings about this child, please do try to take a step back and recognize that the majority of the feelings you are having, you are having because of what your fiancé is or is not doing. The main problem lies with him, not her. Namely:

He is catering to her every whim and making her his primary relationship, and putting you on the back burner. He is not establishing boundaries and discipline (guild parenting), and not making room in his life for an adult significant other.

The thing is, I'm sure that many people, him included, would say, "the child must come first, because she is a child and can't take care of herself." But that's not what's driving this. That whole "the child must come first" thing is just a shell game. You are right, he is treating her like a girlfriend. He is not parenting her -- he is obsessing over her. That is not good for anyone -- not good for your relationship, not good for their relationship, and ultimately not good for her ability to grow up and become a well-adjusted adult.

No one would expect a FIRST wife to accept such a marginal role in the dynamic, but many people think it's totally right for a second wife to be a second-class citizen in her own relationship. It's likely that when you talk to your BF about this, he tells you the girl needs to come first, and he needs to make sure her needs are met. But as I said above, that's not what's happening here.

I suggest that you read books and articles by Wednesday Martin. Her book is called Stepmonster. Please read this book -- it will REALLY help you understand the dynamic. And she has also written a lot of articles about what's going on here. (just google her). I suggest you have your BF read them.

Also, google "guilt parenting" -- that will also help you find articles on what your BF is doing, and why it's a problem.

Good luck! Above all, please do not move forward any closer to marriage until these issues have been worked out so that you are not having these feelings anymore. The kid is just responding to her dad -- it's not really her fault she is this way. Try not to take it out on her. Focus on your BF changing the way he relates to her. If he is unwilling or unable to do so, and to make you his REAL partner, then you may need to rethink whether this is the right relationship for you.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

No judging here babe! And kudos to you for having the balls to put it out there......... DADA -- I would fucking puke...... i can't stand that sd13 still uses DADDY while ss10 uses DAD ---- but the daddy is so from MIL.....whole different story....

BUT i believe i, too am jealous over ass gnats.... brief background dh was married (super young both of them) --- anyhoo bm said she was on birth control --- oops out comes the first mistake in my opinion........ 3 yrs later out comes the 2nd one..... well marriage was already on the rocks before the 1st one..... dh said F this and got the snip snip b/c he never wanted kids with her and especially didn't want to be paying for a third (him feeling trapped to stay with her -- i'm sure MIL again) but knowing the divorce was coming...... so a few months after the 2nd was born they were separated...... i meet dh when skids are almost and almost2 respectively....... we get married and he get a reversal, well 6 yrs later and still no baby of my own..... so i blame the bm & the skids (knowing that's not right, but i can't help it)..... so yes, jealous of the brat --- i don't blame you... not saying it's right, but i see where you're coming from... and when ass gnats are here, we must entertain them.... he must...... and it drives me batty..... and sd always climbed over dh, too --- especially when mil insisted...not so much anymore she's frickin 13 -- but still daddy in a baby voice not a 13 yr old voice.. she trys to walk around in underwear and a tank top --- i put the kibosh on that..... luckily i do seem to have the power, but try not to flaunt it, but sometimes....OMG..... thank heaven sweet dh is more passive than me... most of the time..

we'll get thru it --- so i keep telling myself....

i want on that "don't judge me" boat, too....

I understand completely! My DH was like that when we were dating & his daughter was 4 yrs old! He catered to her every whim! We are now married & have 2 daughters of our own! It took many years for him to see that this was not the way to be! I felt like the other woman for years! my SD was always apart of our adult conversations & he treated her as an equal, not a child! It has caused so many arguments! My SD is now 11 & I would say only for the past year or so things have changed! He now treats me as his wife & her as a child!
I think they try to treat their children like that because they feel so gulity about the child not having her parents together! I feel for you because I too have been jealous...you are not alone!! {{HUGS}}

There is a term someone on here uses for this... is it Adult Spousal Syndrome? ASS? lol.

I don't think it's exactly jealousy, as much as it is you being resentful that he is treating her more like a girlfriend than he does you.

I agree with BBB. Don't go near marriage until this gets resolved.

~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~

i completely second the "stepmonster" recommendation. that book helped me (helps me!) so much. i also second everything bellboudeuse said.

i know how you feel. dh has a 5 year old daughter who comes into our bed early in the morning, lays on top of him and wakes him up by kissing him all over his face. it really kind of creeps me out, especially because i'm usually a sleep when she comes in so i wake in a half daze to this slightly odd scene. lots of other stuff, too. she pushes in between us on the sofa so that she can lean on him and move me away, she asks him to pick her up and carry her when we are holding hands, etc. we are working through the guilt parenting stuff, but it is slow-going and i know firsthand that it can be really draining.

i'm sorry for your miscarriage. i had one in december and i'm still not really over it, emotionally.

It's his daughter. Some people are more affectionate than others. Some people are more touchy feely than others. She is not a grown woman. She is not a teenager. She is his child. His SMALL child who he obviously misses very much when she is not there and who obviously misses him. There is nothing wrong with a father cuddling with his daughter. There is nothing wrong with a father bathing his small daughter. There is nothing wrong with a father being affectionate with his daughter. Im sorry but honestly... get over it. You have two choices here: you can accept that this man has a child, is a wonderful and affectionate father who cannot always give you 100% of his undivided attention. you can accept the fact that this man's child deserves his attention and affection just as much if not more so than you do. OR you can break off your engagement and go find a man who can give you 100% of his undivided attention and who will ignore yalls future children when you are in the room.

"if you don't have anything nice to say, then shut the fuck up."

First I want to say I am so sorry for you loss.

Next I want you to know you are not alone in your feelings. I am often jealous of my SS12 and SD9. They are good kids and I love them. The kids did not seem to care if their Dad and I were affectionate until after we got married. Then everything changed. The night of our wedding SD (who was 7 at the time) refused to sleep in the same room as her cousins unless her Dad would sleep in there too. Even now if we are all sitting watching a movie and him and I are holding hands she will say Daddy I want to cuddle come sit in the chair with me at which he always gets up and goes and cuddles with her. She wakes up at 6:30 and always comes and knocks on our door and says I am awake come be with me Daddy. If him and I are talking she will interupt and he will tell me to quite down and talk to her. SS complains until I am asked to please go to bed so they can hang out and play video games. SS will say to me Dad wants to hang out with me and you are not allowed to be here. Also if they do not see their Dad they will call him and talk for over an hour. I do not have a problem with his realtionship with his children it is when they know we are out on a date they will call and talk the whole time. I get tired of coming in last when the kids are there. I have been told by both children I am good for cooking and cleaning when they are there but nothing else. If their Dad would stand up for me it would make me feel better but instead he wants the time with them to be good so he says I need to adjust to it for and in time they will grow up and when they are in college we will have our time. Let me tell you 9 years is a long time to wait for time and attention with my husband.

I read the blogs almost every day and try to get perspective from them. This dynamic is very tough, and as a dad with three kids who have a step mother, I wish I had something constructive to say. I do know that I may have a different perspective, and sometimes my wife gets frustrated when I spend too much time with the kids when we have them. Sometimes REALLY frustrated, and sometimes I know that I am screwing up, and feel torn. Sometimes I get frustrated too when she spends little time with them or plays the 'not my responsibility' card. i mean I know they are not her responsibility...why play the card? [sorry, a tiny vent popped into this post]

We work things out best when we talk it through, and when it is made clear to me what I am doing. My wife and I grew up differently - I am affectionate and she is not particularly. So I would try to air your feelings and try to meet half way.

Unrelated, why do people here call their stepkids things like ass gnats? I mean, wow.

My husband treats the kids as kids. I am always first in his life. However, on the rare occasion that he does hold his daughter in his lap or give her eskimo kisses, I have to leave the room. I can't stand watching it. It makes me physically ill. He knows I feel this way, and I have told him that I don't want him to stop showing his daughter affection, but for me, I can't watch it. I love my kids, and I will hug them and maybe kiss them on the cheek, but the snuggle, snuggle, bunny, wunny stuff turns my stomach.
______________________________________

Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!

I don't think that the bathing thing is terrible. I took showers with my father for a while as a little kid. Enough that I vaguely remember at least being in the tub with him. He just stopped the showering together thing when I noticed uh, his male parts. I can tell you that my father would NEVER molest anyone and that he was just a really affectionate father. I always got hugs and kisses from him and cuddled with him when I was younger. He still kisses me on my forehead or cheek, as does my mother, and I'm 26.

The physical affection part sounds like he's just being a good dad. I know that it can be tough to watch him do those things with a child that he had with another woman, but I'd venture to say that if it were your child he was doing that with, it would draw awwwwwwws and how sweets out of you. That said, ignoring phone calls, not giving you affection, and being a guilty daddy are definite no nos. Maybe you could have a sit down talk with him about those aspects?

And my deepest condolences on your loss.

"I have always loved the time before dawn because there is no one around to remind me who I am suppose to be, so it is easier to remember who I am." - unknown

I just wanted to add from the point of a step parent of a 16 year old sd
"iwishyouwould" although it may seem to be okay for a father to be that way with his 5 year old child alot of times it carries on.
My fiance is still that way with his daughter and she is going to be 17 right away. I dont think there is anything wrong with be close to your child but when your child at any age becomes more like a spouse than your child there is a problem whether they are 1 or 30.
I have a daughter who is 12 and her and her bd are close always have been but if I heard that she was sitting on her dads lap or cuddling with him on a couch I would worry.
But my daughter and her bd have a close relationship that is nothing more than father and daughter.
I also have a 15 year old son who I am very close to but I would not treat him as though he were a bf to me and we dont cuddle on the couch or have him sit on my lap. And I dont make my fiance feel like he doesnt count for something when my son is in he room.

First let me say, I'm so sorry for your loss.

Second, much of what you describe is not, in my opinion, inappropriate. My kids are older (BS12 and BD10) and I still cuddle them, spoon them, pat them on the butt, etc. The physical affection is not necessarily a problem. Especially since she's only 5.

Third, did SD know about your pregnancy? Did her "babyish" behavior start, or get worse, after your pregnancy? If so, I think this is a perfectly normal response for a 5 year old child about to get a new sibling. Doesn't mean you should entertain it, but it's not unusual.

Fourth, ignoring you and catering to her is simply bad parenting. You can't fault the child for eating it up. But your fiance needs to put a stop to it... for his daughter's sake. Does he want his daughter to grow up and think it's okay to be ignored by her husband?! And talking over you, interrupting, demanding attention, etc. is just plain bad manners. He owes it to her, as her father, to teach her appropriate social niceties.

Finally, I don't think you're jealous so much of your SD, I think you're angry at your fiance for not giving you the attention YOU need. And I've been down THAT road!!

Have you talked to him about how bad it makes you feel when he favors his daughter all the time?