I agree that you need to bring this up with your ex-husband.

As an SM, I would NEVER do those things without the mother having been included in the decision. A lot of times things like this are in the divorce agreement - you may want to get things in writing, such as medical and other decisions pertaining to the child need to be made by both bioparents. What are some more of the specifics of your situation? Are you the primary custodial parent or is your XH, you share physical custody but I'm curious who is custodial?

"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".

Wow, I can tell you there is a LOT on that list that I would never DREAM of doing.. they would be 1, 3, 4, 6, and possibly 7

Let me explain the ones I didnt say I wouldnt do..
#2 the after 9 thing, not sure her age, but I would hope that my sd would be in bed and sleeping at that hour, and we dont generally like it when ANYONE calls after 9pm.
#5 If its an emergency, I wouldnt hesitate to get sd to a dr, I would try calling on the way there or once there, but if its an emergency there might not be time... but routine dr appts, no wouldnt do it..
#7 we live so far away from bm, that on our weekends I had considered in the past signing them up for ice skating classes, as they had expressed an interest.. but ultimately they would have missed EOW, so I didnt know that they would be able to keep up w/the class.

I do NOT agree that she has the same rights as you.. not even when in her house. I believe she has the same rights as far as respect goes.. but not to make major decisions for your child.. no.

I am not sure how I would approach that..

Your daughters SM told you 2 and 3!!!???!!!!

She is way over stepping her boundaries. Especially if you are the sole custodial parent. As far as advice goes all I can say is that you need to tell your ex that you do not feel comfortable with SM doing all these things when you are still a BIG part of your daughters life. Your daughter still has a mom that is very much in the picture. What is this ladies deal?

With not texting your daughter past 9. When skids did have cell phones their phones were to be off after 8 and we were to see no activity on them. Is it a rule that they are trying to enforce at their home?

Who in the hell does your ex new wife think she is by telling you that you should have checked with her first before giving your daughter permission to shave her legs? I hope you told her something along the lines of "Who are you to be telling me this?"

But yeah, she is totally out of her mind to be telling you these things. Can we say "insecure"

CP

If you are being excluded from medical issues, then you aren't overreacting. You could request that they communicate/make these medical decisions with you via email, so then you can document it.

On the texting, I have to say I agree with them on that one, unless there is an emergency. That's their time with your DD (dear daughter).

As for the shaving her legs, how old is your daughter? I don't think you need to check with her (stepmom) on that. When I was growing up (my parents divorced when I was very young) my mom didn't check with my dad or stepmother on that. She just let me do it. My dad was fine with that.

I blame your ex. If SM is doing these things, it is likely because he is allowing her to. If he wants her to handle his responsibilities as your daughters parents in his home, he should have the common curtosy and common SENSE to at least advise you that these things are taking place. My opinion of the above senarios:

1. You should have been notified. Vaccinations are contraversial with some people. There is always the chance that you didn't want her vaccinated for whatever reason... you and your EX should discuss these things prior to them taking place
2. I actually agree with her on this one. I believe that while the child is with each parent, they should spend the time with them, not on the phone or texting with the other parent. Unless of course it is a simple "good night" or "you left your homework here" something like that I understand... I would have to say texting would need to be within reason, and NOT interferring with the other parents custodial time
3. Girls shaving their legs is between them and their MOM. This one, she is just being a jerk about. STRANGE
4. Dentist appointments: I would NEVER make an appointment and not tell BM about it. I would make it if SS needs it, but I would be sure to inform BM right away, especially if there is major work involved.
5. Same with Dr appointments. I see nothing wrong with a step parent taking the kid to the Dr. If the bio parents are aware, and agree with whatever the appt is for.
6. Signing permissions slips cool- not telling BM about a field trip... NOT COOL
7. Dance class... all extra activities should be a joint decision. These things affect homework time, focus, energy. And not all kids can handle extra activities and maintain grades. She probably just doesn't want you to show up, and that is just plain selfish.

You need to take your ex back to court and have the following added in to your custody:

-All NONemergency medical and dental procedures are to be discussed and agreed upon by BOTH parents
-All educational decisions are to be made by BOTH parents, this includes extra cirricular and all off site school activities
-Both parents are free to speak to the child while with the other parent, within reasonable hours, and not to interupt with custodial time.

I don't know how else to tell you to fix this. Your ex is allowing her to do it, and she is just in a power battle with you.

DISbelief~

~You have to BE crazy to UNDERSTAND crazy!~

It is your husbands fault. As a stepmom she should not be involved in anything medical. As for leg shaving. I would have loved to have heard that conversation. Text messaging I agree with the stepmom. We take away the cell phones at 8:30. No excuses. As for everything else, I would be having a long conversation telling her to know her boundaries. End of discussion.

Officially she has no rights. As a StepDad I have lived this legal limbo for 16yrs.

However, there is little you can do to stop it. Other than the "I have the same rights you do when she is in my home" BullShit, it sounds to me that she is not a bad StepMom. She is interested, involved and participating in your daughter's life. I do the same for my SS.

I would go after this from the tact that you want prior notification of activities and medical activity.

Good luck.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

Hmmm. Why do I feel like there is a part of the story missing here...

~*~When you kiss ass, your breath smells like sh*t~*~

oh, first, before court, it is worth the $200 for your lawyer to write a really lengthy and informative letter explaining the agreement and concept of shared custody. In the letter threaten court.

Response:

"You are her StepMother when she is in her father's home. I am her mother all of the time. I expect and demand the curtesy of knowing what activitities my daughter is envolved in and the schedule of those activities. Note I do not demand to be consulted of what activities she is in when at her father's home only that I be informed.

As for consultation and notification of immunization or other medical treament for my child, my attorney will be filing for an immediate emergency ruling that I have prior or immediate notification of any medical treatment my child receives when under the care or her father. As a stepparent you have no legal standing. However, you are legally responsible and liable to provide for her wellbeing when she under your direct care.

Deviation from this requirment will result in further legal action up to and including my seeking punative damages against you for defying my demands on this.

I will of course continue to keep her father updated on any activities she is in while with me and of any medical treatment she receives when not on visitation with him.

Wouldn't it have been a whole lot easier for you to be reasonable about notifying me about my daughter's extracurricular activities and medical treatment rather than overstepping your bounds?

See you in court."

It sounds to me that you have primary custody if her father only has her on "Monday's and Tuesday's". Rather than the "unofficial joint physical custody" situation you have now I would recommend going to court as immediately as possible to get an Custody/Visitation/Support judgement in place. Then you can roll it up and beat the StepMom about the head and shoulders with it whenever she steps out of line.

We beat the snot out of BioDad and the SpermClan with the Judgement whenever they step out of line.

Just my thoughts of course.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

Wait...doesn't the SM specifically state that she is not the sole decision-maker in her household? Doesn't she actually state that her and her DH (OP's exH) jointly make decisions regarding THEIR HOUSEHOLD? I have to agree with the SM that BM has no reign over the decisions in her house.

Remember, we don't know what lead to this disconnect in the desire to communicate. This could be another situation where a BM is seriously trying to control her exH's household and the exH and SM are laying out the boundaries.

Now, do we honestly know that ANY of those medical scenarios were not emergency situations? Do we know that exH wasn't involved in ANY of those situations? No, we don't. Do we know if the parenting plan or custody agreement stipulates that BF is required to 'consult' with BM before taking his child to the dentist?

OP, pick your battles. I don't know you or what lead to your situation so my speculation is not necessarily directed at you but at the 'quick to persecute' attitude. The issues surrounding medical care might be worth having more serious discussions with your exH.

At the end of the day, your SM in your situation is supporting her husband in caring for your daughter. She's not endangering your child and, in fact, she's giving her quite a good childhood from the sounds of it. I truly don't believe your issue is with her.

I can understand these things IF and only IF they are happening while at their home....
1. Field trip form, no problem with stepmom signing IF the field trip is occuring on a day that the child is at their home

2. Text after 9PM...their home their rules...I used to have rules for being on the phone during a weeknight after a certain time but have slowly let it go because husband makes no boundaries....I would let this ride, it is their home

3. Taking her to dental appts not an issue, however, the teeth pulled...I KNOW from the past that usually unless this is an emergency then people know in advance they are having their teeth pulled at the next visit which means someone, either the stepmom OR DAD or even your child should have had enough time to inform you teeth pulling was going to ocur at the next dental visit

4. Dance classes...once again their home their guidelines BUT I do have to ask, how old is your daughter because it seems like some of this stuff she could have communicated with you but chose not to especially is she if old enough to shave her legs?

EVERYTHING else on the list I would have to say she is overstepping boundaries

"The pic reminds me of the slaveboy and his queens in this home...it depicts a kid ruling her Big daddy...how sweet! What it doesn't show is the Big Daddy bowing and thanking them for the abuse and begging for more"!

I think there are significant differences between 50/50 and primary custody situation. This case seems difficult because the two things. 1. Joint custody. 2. No court order.

Either a ruling of primary custody or a court order in general would tend to solve these issues IMHO.

I do not get the sense that jilas is attempting to control what happens in her XHs home, only that she would like to know the schedule of extracurricular activitier he daughter has when with Dad so she can attend these activities when available. And, more critically, information on medical treatment for her daugther. Knowing what immunizations the kid gets can prevent double doses and full medical knowledge on the kids both bioparents should demand. Again IMHO.

I also do not get the sense that StepMom is overly at issue. She seems to participate in her Skids life which is a good thing. I do however think that StepMoms contentious behavior would result in me smaking her around (from a legal perspective) every chance I got if I was jilas.

Time for a Court Order IMHO.

Just my thoughts of course.

Best regards,

Success is rarely final. Failure is rarely fatal. It is character, courage and consistency of effort that count. Vince Lombardi (with some minor Rags modifications) To each according to their performance, screw Karl Marx. (Rags)

JMO--Sounds like she takes good care of your daughter when she is their care. I would be so proud if my son's SM did all that. Honestly I think SM is doing her part. Your ex should however respectfully include you in major (medical or school related) decisions.

I am going to jump in here and go ahead and say they are both right but wrong at the same time!!! As far as the medical and shaving legs things, I would be pissed!! I would also hope my BM would chew my ass out if I ever did anything like that. My step daughters are only 3 and 4 right now and the topic has already come up. My BF said that if the girls start their "thing", as he put, when they are here then I would need to deal with it......um no. One, I am not their parent lol and I will not be "dealing" with that, Two, that is something special between a mother and a daughter and so is shaving legs. Something your mother needs to teach you as it will be memorable and creates a type of bond. I have talked to BM about things like that and flat told her if that stuff comes up over here I am calling her and she can come get them for the day and do what they need to do. As far as medical I don't care if it is something so small as getting a zit popped she could have the manners to contact the childs mother to let her know what was going on period. AND for the activities she is not saying she does not want her daughter in them she just wants to know about them so she can participate as well. Everyone needs to stop bashing this woman and the step mom needs to back the hell off. Of course what non of you are saying or even bringing up is the fact that she does have a parenting plan filed and have decided to off record give the dad more time. SOOO if this step mom will not talk to you and come to an agreement that will be better for all involved then I say STICK TO THE PARENTING PLAN SET IN COURT. If they want to continue to be unreasonable about these things and take away expreiences with YOUR daughter then tell your ex and his power tripping wife that you will be going back to the LEGAL papers that are already in place and he will be going back to eowe and a smaller number of days during the week. No need to tell this woman to go back to court she already went once and was being the bigger person allowing more visitation, the step mother is abusing it and turning her daughter against her so go back to the original plan and make them stick to it.

And no I am not siding because I could be a BM, I am not I have no children of my own I am a step mom only, though I am not a blinded one and I know what is fair and what is not.

I think the mother should be contacted about those things, yes even deodorant, what if sd is allergic to certain kinds? The mother would know that. and I don't care if the child has chewbacca legs, what if the mother was a naturist and was against it? I can understand some of what you are coming from, but I think that you are letting your situation cloud your judgement. How would you feel if another woman was saying these things and taking away personal experiences with your children. And one thing I forgot about I can understand the texting thing, that should not be an issue if one house does not allow calls or anything after a certain time then that should be respected. 9pm is not an unreasonable time for calls to stop and everyone pass out for the night.

jilas0127,

I'm arriving late to the party, and I've only skimmed the rest of these answers because I don't want to get too involved in the discussions back and forth. Just want to offer my opinion:

I do agree with others that, even though you are mostly dealing with the SM, the problem lies with your ex-husband. He is giving up this power to her. And truth be told, as a SM myself, if my DH was doing absolutely no parenting, I would feel compelled to pick up the slack when the kids were in our home. (I would personally be upset with DH and do my best to make him do his job, but that's another story.)

It sounds like your ex is more than happy to pawn off the parenting to SM. Again, that is HIS FAULT. And I think that you could probably do a lot toward moving forward, rather than backward, if you could find it in yourself to thank SM for doing the VAST majority of the parenting at their home. Let's face it: if it wasn't for her, most of this stuff wouldn't be getting done on their time. And it does sound like she is taking care of them. So, I would try to not make her entirely the enemy here, and thank her for doing so much for your kids.

That's not to say that your husband (and she) aren't doing some things "wrong." Most of the things you listed, I would NEVER take the authority to do. However. Consider that she may well be DOING things that she and her DH have discussed and he has approved. She may be (and probably is) just the one who carries these things out. Again, this is your ex's fault.

Thing is, your ex is who he is. If he is not going to change -- that is, if he will always be this lazy -- then you have two choices: either SM does things for your kids, or neither one of them does. So. Given that, what are your options?

1) You can go to court. But that may not make a lot of difference unless you go for sole custody, which would probably be a real fight. Even with a legal document in place, they may still not obey it. I know that the BM in our case routinely does not follow the CO, even though it is legally binding.

2) You can talk to your ex, alone, and together go over the ways in which he is not doing his job. But he probably won't really change. And if you try to talk to him without her, that will make her more defensive against you. Not saying it's right or wrong. Just saying that's probably the case.

3) You can try to talk to them together and try to turn over a new leaf of co-parenting where you include her more -- being realistic about the fact that she will be doing most of the work. In an ideal situation, I would not suggest this, because in an ideal situation, the biodad and biomom would work things out jointly, with the biodad consulting his wife on all matters that affect her. But that's not the way this dynamic works. It sounds like in this situation, if you want their household to respect you, then you'll need to try to work with the dynamic that they have in their home.

That last one is tough, because it involves swallowing some of your pride. But my guess is that it's the one that will work the best. Coming to the table with a spirit of cooperation and acknowledgment that the stepmom does a lot of the parenting work will get you farther with them both. It will also create a dynamic, hopefully, where they will consult you on the things that you should be consulted on. For the record, I think you should have certainly been consulted on #s 1, 4, 5, and informed in advance about 6 and 7. Regarding #3, my guess is that your ex and the SM think she's too young to shave her legs, and I agree that you should have talked to your ex on that. I think that a lot of those rites of passage, moms don't consult the dads because they think those are "girl things", but most dads want to be told. In our case, BM didn't tell my DH when she put her daughter on BIRTH CONTROL!!!! Her reasoning was that it was "personal", but I'm sorry, that's just crazy to not tell him about a major medical decision like that. As far as #2, that's a house rule that they make themselves, and that's something you should respect.

Hope my perspective helps a little.

BB

You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. - 2BLoved

vaccination appts. -- as a bio mom (which i am not) i would think i would be on top of it -- since most vaccinations are required to start new schools (relocating or advancing).

i have to wonder if the dentist advised teeth to be pulled, how long has it been since BM has takin bd to the dentist? in my situation, BM has NEVER taken either skid to the dentist to date...... and rarely to the doctor until we got insurance with $0 co-pay for skids --- she would make them wait until our day and tell the skids to tell their dad they need to go to the doctor.... and never pick up prescriptions EVER.... but now with $0 co-pay, she's johnny on the spot

leg shaving --- who gives a f%4k, unless sd was bothering the crap out of sm for special shaving stuff she needs b/c she shaves now and has to have what BM got her.

permission slips --- i have signed tons --- mainly because they require money. so either BM encourages it or they have learned to wait until last day to be turned in and shaft us.

dance class --- doesn't your kid tell you about this stuff?? maybe sm thought if you wanted her in dance class, you would have signed her up.

texting after 9 ---- do you not set bed times?? how late should she be texting if she has to get up and go to school the next day.

i'm with Ms. freeze...... kinda --- it may not be your ex, it may be closer to home than you would like to admit.....

1.) Scheduling vaccination appointments and not telling me.
------> Should be discussed between BioF and BioM, afterwards if BF wants to designate SM to be the appt maker and provide transportation that's between them.

2.) Telling me I cannot text my daughter after 9 pm.
------> Depends on the relationship between BM and SM, if it's a rocky one, BF should address this with BM. But I agree, calling/texting after 9pm is too late in our home as well.

3.) Telling me I should have checked with her first before giving my daughter permission to shave her legs.
-------> LMAO, she told YOU to check with HER about shaving YOUR daughters legs??? WTFE I don't have to check with another woman about allowing MY daughter to shave her legs!

4.) Making and bringing her to dental appointments, and in one case, having 2 teeth pulled, without my knowledge.
-------> Dental appts should be discussed between Bio parents, ESPECIALLY if there is a major procedure scheduled! After discussed, if BF wants to designate the appt making and transportation to SM, their business. (See #1)

5.) Bringing her to the Dr. without telling me
-------> This is situational. Was daughter sick? If daughter was sick, then she needs to see a doc, BF or SM can followup with BM to let her know that daughter was sick, took her to the doc, and this is what doc said.

6.) Signing permission slips for field trips at school, that I don't even know about.
-------> Also should be discussed by bio parents. As a BM, she may have not behaved well enough to go on a field trip, I may want to go with her, and/or I need to make arrangements for lunch or pickup/dropoff if the field trip is on my time.

7.) Signed her up for dance class (which is great) only, how about telling me and letting me know where they are at... so I can go if I want?
--------> Also something that a BM should know about because BM will probably be providing transportation as well and will more than likely want to attend.

___________________________________________________________________________
“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”

Has Anyone Checked how long this supposed "SM and Bm" has been a member? She has been a member for 1 day and 7 hours!!!!! Us real SM's know this person is a FAKE.

In my situation I'am my SDs Main caregiver and final decision maker!!
My SD lives at our home 70% of the time. I watch her and HOMESCHOOL her on our days and BMs days! SD only spends only 4 complete days with BM per month. Being that I have been this for years and still I'm the person both Husband and BM depend on for care I will have a say in EVERYTHING. I have always taken SD to appointments ( on occasion BM did take Sd to some, which was helpful). I have not had a problem with BM calling late however if she did ever call late I would put my foot down. My house my rules my money paying for that phone! As far as Dance goes I have and will again put my child (sd) in Dance or anything else if I feel like it. I do invite BM to plays and concerts ( but we are on friendly terms on the moment. I dont ask BM to pay half of the stuff SD is currently enrolled either. BM is far behind on child support arrears and should pay this first.

I have talked to BM more in the last month then my husband probably has an a year.

I tell this supposed "BM and SM" get over your self. She cares about your child and is loving toward her would you rather her be a wicked stepmom and treat your child like crap?

StepAside --- great question..... i would hope BF does since it doesn't appear that BM has a clue what's going on with BD except allowing her to shave first........

Speaking as a SM who has ... by this list... overstepped her boundaries...

1. I took SD for her Guardisil shot. I did talk to BM about it, but basically I am the one that took her for 3 of the 4 vaccinations.

2. I have not told BM that she cannot call SD... but DH has said that SD requests that BM not call her for a while...

3. Not applicable - the SM over there should not be telling the BM to get her permission for anything

4. Not applicable - BM over here works for a dentist

I have done #5 and #6 on this list.

#7 - Questionable. If the child wanted a class, and the dad and SM signed them up for them to enjoy with the kid, why does BM have to be there? Why do her rights trump father's? It's a gray area. Since BM could sign her child up for something and say it was for her and kid and no one would say boo. So I'd like to hear more of this story.

Jilas - I understand your concerns and anger. But some of it, we really need to hear "the other side". As far as taking a child to the doctor without YOUR permission, it stands to reason that the husband gave permission. Personally, I feel that the father's permission is as good as the mother's. So if my DH says to do something for SD, I'm going to do it... without confirming it is okay with BM.

I am supposing that most BM's do NOT consult ex-husband's on every decision.... soooo??

I think we need a lot more info before we trash the husband or the stepmom.
*** A rainbow just threw up on me... and now I'm sh*tting glitter! ***

is it possible that SM & SD have a great relationship, BF works and SD prefers to do dr. things with a girl (SM) than a boy (BD), b/c BM doesn't want to do things until after the fact??

jilas --- you're right.....WHY would you allow a child with some one who does NOTHING but smoke crack & pot (as you stated) allow him to have your kid 1/2 the time? and btw how's that insurance working out with that crack/pot smoking job??

1.) Scheduling vaccination appointments and not telling me.
2.) Telling me I cannot text my daughter after 9 pm.
3.) Telling me I should have checked with her first before giving my daughter permission to shave her legs.
4.) Making and bringing her to dental appointments, and in one case, having 2 teeth pulled, without my knowledge.
5.) Bringing her to the Dr. without telling me
6.) Signing permission slips for field trips at school, that I don't even know about.
7.) Signed her up for dance class (which is great) only, how about telling me and letting me know where they are at... so I can go if I want?

I didn't read the responses to this stuff...the shock I felt upon reading the original post was enough to catch my attention.
While I don't necessarily agree with the actions of this stepmom I find myself wondering...does she feel the child won't get taken care of if she doesn't do these things for her? That was the feeling I got when reading about dental appts and vaccination appts...normally,in my experience here as well as in real life, a (sane)woman will not take over the responsibilities of her skids bm UNLESS the bm has proven she isn't keeping up with the care of the child. if the Bm is keeping up with the care, these things would already be done,correct? Therefore, the sm would have nothing to do with any of it bc it would be done already by mom. Obviously, sm feels like the child is being pushed to the side as far as healthcare and activities are concerned.

Getting upset with her for signing permission slips for field trips at school is reeks of control issues. if it's a school field trip, she was probably just trying to help SD out by signing it and allowing her to get it back to school as soon as possible...it is also possible that your daughter told SM you already said it was ok.

I don't agree with how she handled the dance class thing. i'd never do that and i'd be pissed if someone did that with my kid. So I get your point on that one.

About the leg shaving, are you sure she meant you should have "checked" with her first? or maybe she was upset bc you didn't let her know the kid was allowed to shave her legs and she was caught off guard when the kid was at her house trying to shave. IF you are ABSOLUTELY sure she was upset that you didn't "check" with her first then as a mother, I would have told SM to go shit in her hat and calm down.

it seems as though your ex has dumped many responsibilities on the SM. it seems the SM is more than happy to take over the father's responsibilities probably because she just wants to please her husband. There is nothing wrong with wanting to please her husband by helping him out with things. BUT it sounds like the three of you need to sit down in a public area and just TALK. Ya know...like grownups:) lots of adults have issues clearing the air and it's perfectly normal to avoid doing it. But in your situation, the air must get cleared or the SM will continue taking over dad's responsibilities and you will continue being frustrated. it sounds like both women will benefit from healthy discussion about what they expect out of the situation. And BOTH women need to tell dad to step up to the plate and start being a more active parent instead of laying the responsibilities in Sm's lap and telling her it's A-OK. Obviously, it's not ok. TWO WORDS: PARENTING PLAN.

good luck

"Venting without the desire to look within and improve your situation is simply venting to hear yourself bitch."

..."I'm not mean, you're just a sissy."

"If they sold clues at Walmart,I'd be first in line to get one for DH" ~the lovely Jbee~

It seems like you are frustrated at not knowing what is going on and not being told about major decisions being made or having the opportunity to discuss them, and not so much that the stepmom is making those decisions...since your ex seems to have handed everything over to her, maybe you could talk to her about keeping you in the loop and sit down and have a conversation about boundaries. It could be that your ex handed these responsibilities to her and she feels overwhelmed and is overcompensating, you know? just a thought...

"if you don't have anything nice to say, then shut the fuck up."

Damn! I go off to a soccer game and all THIS happens! Never fails......... lol

There are some major overstepping issues here, no doubt, and I dealt with a SM much like this once upon a time. (Meaning, one that takes control and the man is too big of a wimp to do anything about it).

My only comment to make on all this is:

THIS is why I'm thankful I've always had sole legal and physical custody with standard every other weekend visitation with EH. Takes care of many many problems.

seems to me that the sm is more up to date on things with your daughter. for all the doctor appointments the sm is making, why are you not making these appointments?
I think this is where bio's need to realize that these sm's do care. I would rather see my child have a good sm like this one, then have one who didn't even care at all.
you also have to respect the "other" homes rules. you have your own rules and they have their own as well.

Now I see it a little differently - yes I understand the BM's point of view on things such as the dance recital etc.. but the dr appointments and dentists I don't because if DH where the one doing this I'm sure there wouldn't be a word said.

Stepmom is DH's partner so it's just assumed if DH can't take SD to the dr that stepmom will etc...

Now the leg shaving thing I agree with - you have no reason to have to discuss it with stepmom at all, maybe your ex but not stepmom

If there is nothing set in stone, stop the visitation. Seems pretty simple to me.

When I was married to my ex-husband, I was a step-mom. He gave me the authority to do anything and everything as "mom." However, I called her mother to notify her of doctors, school activities, etc. If husband was out of town and she got into trouble at school, I called the mother and asked her to handle. Just because a husband gives SM the authority, that doesn't mean you take it. It also reveals an entire set of problems about how your husband perceives you and his ability to be a good father. He was mother-shopping and he was extremely abusive when he found out I provided mother with the information to which she was entitled. Uh, red flag anyone? Guess who turned around and tried to find a new mother for our us baby after I left him? Why would any woman want to be with a man who has such little regard for a BM rights? Are you under the illusion that he won't do the same to you in a few years? If you think not, you are kidding yourself.

Now my daughter has a brand new stepmom, a young one without independent thought and an uncanny knack for crossing boundaries. I am very supportive of my daughter's love for those that love her but I think it is very often a BAD idea for mother and SM to speak and attempt to resolve issues. First of all, BF will say he gave SM authority to do all of these inappropriate things so this is his "agent" of sorts and there's little you can do about it. It's like enforcing manners. Bad manners are bad manners but they aren't illegal. UNLESS - your custody agreement sets legal definitions for medical and school information and decisions that aren't being followed. Then you mediate with BF, then you take him to court for breach.

I understand were this lady is coming from. I am going through the same thing. The problem is because the father has turned his responsibilities over to step mom and step mom is isolating the biological mother. Dad has to take back over his responsibilities. In my case, step mom has brain washed my child. My son calls her mom and told me i was not his mom. The step mom is very rude. She is controlling. The reason is that she does not want you to have contact with the father. She is very insecure. You must be an attractive woman and she may feel that your ex is still attracted to you. You can get a directive form from the health provider, so that you and dad can be contacted to make medical decisions gor your child. For you people who are attacking her, what mother does not want to be there for their child if the child gets sick? What mother would not want to be an active participant in their child's life? My son's step mom puts down that she is his mother on every documemt possible. I always have to prove that i am my son's mother. Get hold on the situation now.