I just need to vent. I have posted/replied many times about the relationship between my FH and SS10, how isolating I sometimes feel, the challenge that it's been for FH to shift his "partner" status from his son to me (quick overview: SS10 was always treated like an adult, taken to adult functions, talked to and privy to all adult things, yet no responsibilities and largely emotionally immature; he is with FH 50% of the time and moves between his parents houses multiple times per week).
Since September, I live 3 hrs. away M-W. I am a professor (as is FH)- he cannot leave the city where he is b/c of custody agreement. If I were only 1 hr. closer I could do the commute 2 days/week and work from home the rest, but alas our situation is what it is. This, of course, makes it more difficult to establish ourselves as the foundational dyad in the house- as the partners. Add the challenges of negotiating new boundaries between FH and SS and it is more difficult!
This morning, FH and SS had to take one of the dogs to put her to sleep. It is technically "their" dog-- we each came to the relationship with a dog. I consider her mine, as well. She has had cancer for 10 months. I have been a part of dropping everything to get her to the vet, of making her food for her special diet, of giving her her medication, of waking up on/off all night b/c of her breathing and when she stops. We thought the dog would die around Christmas. SS10 spent a few days of the time he was with us saying goodbye to her. Then, the morning after Christmas, when he was going back with his mom (who, of course, demanded that she pick him up very first thing in the AM) the dog was having an especially hard time. I suggested that SS spend the morning lying with her and telling her he loved her--- when BM announced she would be coming inside (with her baby in tow) so SHE could say goodbye to the dog. This was never her dog, she doesn't like dogs, etc. I told FH "no" (she often then just hands her baby to my FH, who is left holding her while she does her baby-talking/cooing with my SS), that he could take SS outside to meet her and have the dog walk out with them. Too late-- BM did as she wished. She then made SS cry more and more and more and they left the house with him sobbing.
FH and I were going to put the dog to sleep the next day but he ended up falling apart at the vet and couldn't do it. We then had to leave her with a dogsitter (along with my dog) while we were out of the country for 10 days taking care of some complicated family business that FH had let go of for many years. A week into our trip there were frantic emails from the dogsitter-- his dog was lethargic, not eating, bloated belly, etc. I spent most of a day going back forth with her via email, talking with vets via Skype, etc. Finally she was taken to a vet and stabalized and still alive when we got home.
The dog was doing okay for the last week-- not high energy but eating and happy and loving. I made a large batch of her food when we got home and then frantically on Sunday before leaving for my out of town work on Sunday night (let me add: I wanted to leave Sunday morning so that I could have a day here to work on my classes prior to the semester starting, but realized that Sunday afternoon was SS's first basketball game, so I stayed, did not work, went to his game, and then drove the 3 hours later in the evening).
FH and SS got home yesterday and the dog had stopped eating, she had to be carried outside, etc. I spent last night on the phone with FH figuring out what to do today (he had to get SS to school and teaches 4 classes). The two of them took the dog to the vet and he said that today is her time to go. FH was frantic on the phone with me and I encouraged him to have SS say goodbye to the dog and go back to the vet later this afternoon between classes and with me on the phone can put the dog to sleep. I, of course, feel terribly guilty that I am not there to help and support him in person (this is a whole other issue!).
What I am struggling with is the resentment I feel-- and the fear-- that this is one more thing that isolates me from them. The two of them got home yesterday to the dog who was dying, the two of them took her to the vet this morning and said goodbye to her together. It is one more narrative that is about them, together. Besides the fact that I am so sad too! But in the story of this, my role in this over the last few weeks will be forgotten/untold, in the story of the dogs end-of-life. It is immature and probably selfish of me. I love the dog very much and have given her so much love and care. But that will not be a part of the story that is told b/c once again, it was the two of them today.