Why does connection equal disconnection?
To have "connection" w. SS why does FH have to disconnect from me?
I have realized that the stress I feel, the isolation, anxiety, and lonliness that are at times so overwhelming- this is b.c FH can't assert his connection to me or be a "we" with me when his son is with us. I wish he understood this. That I can't have that w. him only when SS isn't w. us. I need it with him and from him all the time. And when he takes it away b.c he thinks he can't be connected to us both I feel so sad, so alone, panicked, and then angry.
How can I explain this so that he might hear me and not just get defensive and angry back, which makes me further isolated and alone.
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Have you guys practice the
Have you guys practice the ''all together'' going out as a family unit. Or does your fh only focus on your son going out and leaves you out of it?
If he is constantly segregating you, then maybe he honestly doesn't realize it.
Couciling will help. But if your fh sees he's doing it and does nothing..then you have a life decision to make. To either stay or go.
Dont be afraid to make this decision. Better to do it earlier than later.
FH- ie..future hubby?..which means you haven't married him yet , you dont have a child together. This is importatn. Because if FH doesn't get the 'we' factor in......not good for future.
I honestly hopeit changes for you. Counciling is the first step.
I cant count how many times
I cant count how many times i have been stuck trailing behind with the baby while fiance and kids are up in front playing around. In my case though its all the kids, mine and his he plays with. At least he treats all the kids equally lol.
Sometimes it helps just to
Sometimes it helps just to know this happens to other people!
We are in therapy-- and this very issue came up in a major way last week-- I totally erupted and he shut down and since then has been talking to me about doing a lot of thinking about his role in triggering me, etc. I pointed out to him his role in structuring situations so that I am triggered less. For example, while at the movies on Saturday night, he and his son went in while I purchased popcorn. When I found them in the theater, SS10 was sitting next to his father, requiring me to be on the end. Over the course of the 3 hour movie, SS10 snuggled in more and more and more next to his dad, who snuggled in more and more and more. While I sat on the end, apart. When we got home we all hung out for a bit, he and I had a couple glasses of wine, we ate-- and after 11pm when SS10 was going to bed he asked his dad to come read to him (I think reading is wonderful and important-- but their reading routine is absurd, in my book. This kid is going through puberty and there are days they sit around and he is in his dad's lap and FH reads to him for hours on end. And SS10 won't go to bed at night without FH getting in bed with him and reading).
So, despite that it was late, despite the fact that I'd be leaving in the AM for 5 days, despite all of this--- none of it entered FH's mind. He went in and read to him ("but only for 20 minutes or so!") while I feel asleep, and we didn't have any together, intimate time (of course, after kid is in bed is the only time for this) and I left the next morning for 5 days.
I did a good job of not exploding when I pointed all this out to him. I pointed out how thoughtless and isolating it is. Of course, FH immediately jumped to an extreme, defensive position of "well then I just won't read with him ever again!" I tried my best to remain calm and to let him know my position again and that it was HIS job to restructure situations-- he was the one with the child and the one who wanted to re-partner. I think it was a successful communication between us. For the first time I think he is starting to get it- at least a little bit, some of the time.
Does it change at all when you have a child together? Sometimes I wonder if that child will be isolated like me, sometimes, when SS is with us.
I know exactly how you're
I know exactly how you're feeling. I don't know how else to fix it other than telling your FH how you're feeling and tell him that you feel left out and alone. Have you read the book "Stepcoupling"? There's a whole section on this... He probably doesn't even realize that he does it because he goes back into "all for the kids" mode.
I've had this problem on and off with BF. It got really bad a couple of weeks ago so we had to have the talk again and it's gotten better. Of course, we haven't had SD to maybe that's why it's gotten better
I think a huge part of it is that when they got divorced, he focused all of his attention on her and then just expected that I would fold into the mix somehow. I felt like I was the only one that had to adjust to anything and that it was always the two of them and then me.
Talking about it helps, it may take multiple sessions of doing this but once he realizes he's doing it, hopefully he'll consciously work on including you.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".
I haven't heard of
I haven't heard of _Stepcoupling_. I'll check it out....I need to work on talking to him about it in a way that is not accusing, reactive, or eruptive. He needs to work on "hearing" it without being totally defensive or shutting down or assuming this position of "I'm a total failure and I've failed you and made you feel so badly!"
thanks for your encouragement!
That's been my problem too!
That's been my problem too! Two years later and I'm still working on it
There's a section in the book that deals with that too - how to speak to each other in a productive manner. Very helpful.
"There are two things over which you have complete dominion, authority, and control over - your mind and your mouth".