Victory is Mine!!!!
Ok, so I shared a few weeks ago that I was upset that BF was sleeping in the same bed as SD10 when they were out of town at Thanksgiving.
I kept it under my hat until we had our counseling.
I talked to the counselor first, she agreed, SD10 should not be sleeping with her father just because I am not there. It is just setting us up to be adversaries. Also, she should not sleep with her 13 year old brother either. In fact, she is old enough now (and has been honestly) that she should not sleep in a bed with a male no matter the age (unless very much younger).
She even said, "she should love you for being Daddy, not as a man"
I was thrilled!!! It had bothered me for years. She does not sleep in our bed anymore. It is not personal for me as much anymore as "hey buddy, come on, you are putting her at risk!"
He agreed. He tried to say that usually her wanting to sleep with someone else was directly a result of something happening. Counselor backed up, "well, but that will reciprocate her coming up with a problem to sleep with someone then"
I was so happy she said this. She had some other suggestions to soften this blow. Such as her sleeping with my daughters on a scheduled night, not just when she is upset. Or maybe a night they ALL sleep on the floor in our room. He was open to these, and so am I. I do not want her to never get affection, just appropriate affection.
One step at a time! And this was a leap!!! We will see how it goes. He was great for a while, then started again with the "I did something with my son, so I have to do something with my daughter" and it never went the other way.
She was getting clingy again. She is just find when he gives her the appropriate affection, she is great even! I hold no animosity against her, I know this is because of BF.
What a great week!!! I hope you all are having the same....
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Yay Freedom, so glad things
Yay Freedom, so glad things worked out!
I hope it continues to go in the right directions 
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“Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go.”
Don't you just love when the
Don't you just love when the counsellor says your right? I do.
OMG crayon, you are SO
OMG crayon, you are SO right. This is what I am trying to avoid. I am only getting so far as well. The counselor has been working with BF on showing where his child should be, and where I should be. We had to basically bang him over the head on this one. I have been working on this for over 3 years! It has been the subject of many "disagreements".
I even told him, "even if I was not with you, she should not be sleeping with you"
The couselor laid it out for him on the dangers of it. When she put it in a way that could be detramental to his daughter... BANG, he agreed.
Of course now, hehe, when a friend of SS13 wants to stay over, "I think SD10 should sleep in our room, you know what the couselor said."
My reply, "he won't be in the same bed with her"
Geez, guilty Daddy forever!!!
Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
Erich Fromm
Okay okay I don't want to
Okay okay I don't want to sound argumentative here but what if the tables were turned and it was the mother who was sleeping in the same bed with a 10 year old son? Is that any different. My son is 12 and on occasion will sleep with me is my husband is away and we fall asleep watching movies together or definately if he is sick. I don't make a habit of it but still I see nothing wrong with it if it is not frequent. It just looks bad when it is a father and a little girl I guess.
This was not a situation of
This was not a situation of occasionally. This was EVERY TIME she was with him before I moved in. I would get kicked to the couch for her to sleep with him. I do understand occasionally, I have 2 daughters myself. I love to cuddle with them and things. I do not, however, sleep with them every chance I get.
I appreciate your point of view. I have been researching this for years and it is not a cut and dry subject. There are a lot of people that believe in a family bed. There are a lot of cultures that all sleep in the same room together.
I love to see comfort given to a sick or frightened child, but when she is making things up to sleep with Daddy every night, or getting to sleep with him because I am not there, it causes problems. As far as when I am not available to sleep with, if she gets to sleep with him, the counselor even said that it can cause HER to feel advisarial tward me. "I get to sleep with Daddy if she is not here.... maybe I should try to get rid of her"
I hope this explains things a little better.
Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
Erich Fromm
And it is one of the many
And it is one of the many good reasons for it to stop. He use to tell me "but her kindergarten teacher said it was a good thing, being that her mom is a druggie" for comfort. Ok, at 7 years old... I can see it.... pushing at 8, 9 come on dude, now at 10 1/2 she is on the cusp of womanhood. She needs to be in her own bed.
Yes, it was mentioned. I have gotten to the point of mentioning it myself to some type of authority figure to get him to see that the "kindergarten teacher" excuse does not hold water any more.
Thank you for your post!!!
Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
Erich Fromm
I am so sorry to hear this.
I am so sorry to hear this. I know these situations can be difficult when you have no control over the other parent. In my home, both of our ex's are either users or abusers. His ex drugs, my ex alcohol.
I am glad the situation is better now for you all.
My BF has custody since his ex was caught with drugs a year ago.
Immature love says: 'I love you because I need you.' Mature love says 'I need you because I love you.'
Erich Fromm