Weekend with SS
Well, have just finished a whole weekend with SS staying with us, and generally went OK, apart from a few little annoyances...
It's his 10th birthday in a couple of weeks, and BM has arranged his birthday party for a weekend we're supposed to have him (to include a sleepover at her house). She also told him that both his dad & I would be coming along in the afternoon when they go bowling, without asking either of us!
I'm just so mad because we had been planning what to do with him that weekend, were going to visit a friend with children on the Sunday as they like playing together etc.
SS seemed upset when I said I wouldn't be going bowling as I genuinely have something else arranged for that day. saying 'but mum said you'd be coming'. I pointed out to him that I need to be invited to events, that I'm not psychic etc, and he seemed OK with that.
Why, oh why, does it not occur to my OH or the BM that I need to be asked about arrangements? I'm fed up of being expected to fall into whatever they want!
The other sticky moment this weekend was as we were heading to OH's neice's birthday. OH was writing the card and asked if I wanted to be 'Auntie' on it - SS piped up 'but she's not their real auntie, my mum is' - I just let this go as wasn't sure how to explain the whole 'neither of us is a real auntie as we're not directly related' thing, but these little comments are a fairly regular occurence & they do bother me a bit.
I guess what this weekend has brought home for me is that I'm always going to be expected to fit in, shut up & put up until I stand up for myself a bit more. The constant changing of who's having SS when, the fact that OH never says anything to SS when he makes comments about me, the expectation to put SS first all the time... think OH & I are going to have to have a talk.
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We've never experienced
We've never experienced conflict with bdays. BM usually plans these things on her weekends. We will attend, but we also have something small on our weekends with just us as a family for their bdays. Why couldnt BM plan this on her weekend? Did your DH inquire about this?
As far as the comments, these things used to bother me too, but you know, the more they bothered me, the more I either noticed them, or the more they were actually happening b/c the skids could sense my annoyance maybe? Anyways, now that they don't annoy me as much, I dont notice them as much, and I was able to get over being bothered by them b/c whenever the skids would say something, I would respond back in a humorous way but at the same time letting them know I could stand up for myself. Just find a little smart, funny come back, nothing mean, just something humorous to make light of the situation.
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“Sometimes it's the smallest decisions that can change your life forever.”
The Wookie tries to do this
The Wookie tries to do this - schedule things during our time with the kids. She'll buy play tickets or plan an outing and want us to let the kids spend time with her. We don't do it anymore. You plan a big birthday bash on our weekend? Too bad, not our problem. We don't do anything to cut into her weeks, and we expect the same consideration.
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Love me or hate me, I'm still gonna shine!!!
Just curious, but has OH
Just curious, but has OH said anything to BM about scheduling things during their time?
His reaction has been that
His reaction has been that it's a one-off and therefore isn't a big deal. I think he doesn't want to rock the boat in case we want to swap a weekend around in the future (which to be fair, she's been fairly good about on the odd occassions before)
When my DH and I got
When my DH and I got married, we flew our three kids out at the end of our honeymoon to ski. SS10 insisted on clarifying to anyone who commented that I was NOT his BM, I was his SM, and we were a step-family. I finally told him not everyone needs to know we're a step-family; we're still family. I think at that age it's normal for kids to draw clear lines between BM/SM and BF/SF. He hasn't mentioned it since, although I'm not sure we've really been in a situation where he felt he needed to clarify. His older brother, SS13, has referred to BF & myself as his parents out of convenience. Try to remember it's normal and it may take him a few years just to accept you as another parental figure in his life; that you're not a replacement for his BM.
As for the BM scheduling things on your weekends, she should ask first, you're right! And if you're already making plans, she should respect those plans. But it's a two-way street. She may not have known you were planning anything and you obviously didn't know she was planning anything until it was all said and done. It's a hard line to toe sometimes; to take the back seat to the biological parents. But that doesn't mean you and your plans can be disrespected that way.
And I don't think any child should come before everything. That child is a hugely important responsibility to all of you but there's also a family and a marriage there that needs attention. That child is going to grow up and move out. And what will you be left with if that child comes first all the time?
And I know how you feel. I feel like I'm expected to shut up and put up a lot. But there are some things I can't keep quiet about (like leaving dirty clothes in the shared bathroom!). The more you calmly stand up for yourself now the less you'll have to stand up for yourself in the future. I learn that one every day.