It just gets worse
I wrote yesterday about SS10 kicking off with BM but not with us... and last night I got the full story.
He'd kicked off in the morning when asked to tidy his bedroom (pretty normal) but went completely over the top with it all and lost control apparently.
Later on, BM & him needed to pop to the local shop, and he got upset because she wouldn't let him take his bike as there was nowhere safe to lock it up - less normal.
Anyway, at the second kicking off, BM decided she couldn't cope with him and phoned Social Services and asked them to take him away! Their response was that they didn't do that, but they would log her as a self referral and someone would get back to her at a later date (I work in children's services, and know she won't get taken on by them)
It's not clear whether SS10 is aware of his mum making this phone call, but later on when OH went to pick him up he was protesting and saying he wanted to stay with his mum (which, if he heard his mum wanted to send him away is quite understandable)
I got home later than normal as I went to the gym to find OH sitting smoking (he quit about 6 months ago!) and SS10 crying on his bed. Somehow I managed to calm him down and the evening was fine from there, but SS10 says he doesn't know why he's feeling like he does.
During his last raging attack he managed to kick out all the supports from a wooden railing on a balcony (it was a bit rickity anyway), was screaming, hitting, kicking & biting his parents.
This is definitely going beyond normal 10 year old behaviour, and he's been referred back to counselling (had some a while ago to discuss his parents break up).
I know there's not much we can do, but has anyone been through this before? I don't know what we can do that might help - do we try and discipline after the attacks or leave it because it really does seem like a mental health issue?
Help!
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Comments
I wouldn't rule out mental
I wouldn't rule out mental health issues but my feelings with some of these skids are they are just brats and as long as they are raised feral they will continue bad behavior. Are there any t consequences for him when he behaves this way or do his parents give into his demands? If his parents tolerate the behavior I'd say he's just a brat who has his parents trained if they follow through on discipline and it doesn't help I'd check with a counselor
I don't know what happens
I don't know what happens afterwards - as all the incidents have been at BM's house I'm guessing there's not been much disciplining as she doesn't cope very well.
The first time, they ended up calling an ambulance, because he'd been raging for an hour and they didn't know what to do (BM had called OH to go round & help her one evening), though they didn't really do anything or give them an explanation.
I have a similar situation.
I have a similar situation. I stopped discipling period. I let DH do it. I know this sounds horrible, but I stopped because I am scared of what SS would do to me at a later age. He already hates me, I don't want it to get any worse. I would definitely put him back in counseling.
Similar - I don't think i
Similar - I don't think i should be the one disciplining, as we're still building our relationship, but I get frustrated when his parents don't.
OH & I have talked about having kids of our own in the next couple of years though, and I need there to be a stable homelife for them.
I don't know much about what
I don't know much about what discipline he gets from BM, though I do think she left most of it to OH when they were together, so probably not much.
I also wonder if because in the last couple of years both his parents have bent over backwards to keep him happy after the split that he's just got used to that & expects it?
Thanks Maux for sharing your
Thanks Maux for sharing your experience.
I agree that therapy is probably the way forward - he can't articulate to any of us what he's feeling, why he's feeling it etc, and so hopefully working with a professional will help him with that as we can't help unless we know what the problem is.
We've been dealing with this
We've been dealing with this type of behavior on and off for about 3 years with SS13.
All of the incidents happen at BM's house. SS13 just goes off on her when she tries to parent him. (BM has no house rules and pretty much lets them do what they want.) SS13 has locked her and SS8 out of the house, barricaded himself in his room and punched a hole through BM's bedroom door. DH was going over there to referee but stopped because he felt it was undermining BM's authority and making DH be the bad cop all the time.
DH and I have house rules and make it very clear that we are in charge. And although SS13 will cop an attitude he's never done anything like this at our house.
SS13 has been in therapy for about 6 months and it's working but he still has problems when he's at her place. Therapy has been a mixed blessing in that SS13 will talk to the shrink about anything BUT clams up when it comes to his relationship with BM. I'm praying one of these days SS13 musters up the courage to talk to the shrink about BM.
~BettyRay
I wondered if it was like
I wondered if it was like this - she lets him get away with pretty much everything, and so when she does try to enforce discipline he goes off on one.
Goodness knows - he wants to switch to 50/50 custody later this year when we move somewhere bigger, so I guess then we'll see if it is her parenting (or lack of)
"BM lack of parenting" I
"BM lack of parenting"
I think you're right on point there. SS13 repeatedly calls BM a lier, and gets very anger when she goes places without the boys. I think she spent so much time buying the boys love that they came to expect it with her. BM's financial situtation has changed recently and she can't afford to spend $ on the boys like she used to. I think SS13 resents this. He was/is quite materialistic, and now he can't get everything he wants and is not happy.
BM also gave SS13 a lot of responsibility at a young age. He was incharge of SS8 a lot in addition to her leaning and confiding in him like he was an adult. I think BM's past actions have led to this situation with SS13. He just doesn't see BM as a parent and is angry when BM leaves him out of the loop.
Now BM is trying to step up and parent - IMHO it's too little too late. Poor DH gets so frustrated and sad every time there's a SS13 meltdown, it hurts me to see DH like this. And it affects our relationship too. DH is constantly checking his mobile and if he misses a call from BM or SS13 he freaks. The last incident he blew-up at me, I know it was displaced anger, but it hurt just the same.
DH would like to switch custody with us being the CP and BM NCP but I really think that would be an up hill battle. DH has talked to BM about this a number of times and she just cries. DH doesn't want to force it either but now BM threatens SS13 that he will have to live with us whenever he acts up. Using our house as a punishment. It's just a no win situation.
~BettyRay