SS6 let the truth fly today!!!
First let me start by saying that I have not been on here in awhile and things have not gotten ANY easier or better with the SS6 and now I know why!!!
:jawdrop: this spoiled a$$ little brat that should have been BEAT for what he has done lately has got to get a grip on reality and stop thinking that MONEY BUYS LOVE AND EVERYTHING ELSE. ok brief summary: SS6 has been very mean (pushing BS2's face into the floor, slapping BS2 in the face, and even hiding things he has taken from BS2 just to keep BS from playing with HIS OWN toys) and rude (tells me that I HAVE TO get him something to drink and doesnt listen to me without rolling his eyes or making snide remarks). This weekend was DHs weekend and since we had a family function to go to DH's mom wanted SS to stay with her (granted she ONLY WANTS SS and never wants BS2 or BD8mos every time) to color eggs (late easter/reunion). So DH had BM drop SS off over there. Today when we get there SS6 doesnt speak to any of us (not even DH), refuses to listen to DH when he would ask him to do something, and refused to even let his brother (BS2) play with him. so after the reunion was over (actually when I said it was over about 2 hours after being there and Dh's family wanted nothing to do with me or my biokids) we got all the kids and headed to the car to leave. SS6 shows his a$$ by putting on the pout face and making his grandparents ask him what was wrong and since he said he wanted to stay there they decided to come get him later so he could stay the night AGAIN(not that I am complaining cause that is just less drama bull I have to deal with from him). So we get in the car(oh and DH had NO CLUE about what his parents just said to SS and I happen to hear it) and I tell DH about SS not wanting to go with us and saying he wanted to stay there and Dh said oh well we are going so he is too. so when we get home we were talking and I asked SS6 why he didnt want to come here. he point blank says "cause I dont like it here and I dont like you, my brother, or my sister." so then me just wanting to see if he means that I say "so if me or BS or BD were not here you would want to come here to be with your dad?" he said "yes" so I tell DH about the conversation with SS and he goes to talk to SS. well somewhere in their conversation SS tells HIS FATHER that he DOESNT love him and would rather be at his nana's house (where his mom and him live) cause he can do what he wants and play video games all he wants. All we have done is provide for this kid and yes we MAKE him listen and use manners and play nice with EVERYONE which his BM doesnt do and neither does ANY of his grandparents/other family members. he has consequences here....if he doesnt listen, use his manners, or play nice (reasonable request)he loses privileges like no toys,tv,or activities that are considered fun UNTIL he can prove that he can act accordingly. Now that might sound harsh but he is a very smart 6(almost 7) year old and we are just trying to give him structure and the rules here have not changed in 3 years. He was with us for spring break and lost all toy,tv,and fun activity privileges in a matter of 3 days since that is when he decided to hit his brother and throw toys at him like he was the 2 year old (who mind you acts way better than any 2 year old I know). So SS went back to his grandparents house tonight and I told DH that he should just start making it a point to ASK his son right in front of his ex if he wants to come over to our house. I am sure after a few times of him saying no and DH leaving him there he will realize that we are not making him do things he doesnt want to do but we are going to expect that he acts like he should (no different than how he SHOULD be acting at school) and that if he doesnt he gets in trouble (just like school). But now I just dont know if that is a good idea cause it might make ss6 realize he can say he doesnt want to come over and then gets what he wants just like he does everywhere else. SO what to do abotu SS6 that doesnt want to be here, doesnt like/love ANY of us(even DH), and that stays in trouble because he doesnt want to listen and behave?? :?
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Gah, I had trouble keeping up
Gah, I had trouble keeping up cause that was such a huge paragraph..
I think we battle with the same thing. (although Im sure I put a lot more thought into it than FDH does)...
SD4 never wants to come here either. She isnt violent, but can do ANYTHING she wants with her BM, and the smallest cry will cave BM in a second. We dont put up with that BS, FDH does time out/spankings, early bedtimes etc after she has pushed his buttons enough...
She often has a royal fit when FDH comes to get her, and tells him all the time she wants to go home after shes here. FDH tells her he doesnt care, as usually she says this when her behavior is bad. I know I wouldnt be able to just leave our BS1 if he ever said he didnt want to come with me, or be at my house, but isnt this sometimes more trouble than its worth!?
I really do believe that some kids are lost causes! She has no interest in being here. She may sound excited to come if fun things are planned, but as soon as the fun is over shes crying for BM.
Have you ever discussed this in full with DH? About not getting him at all? Just curious on what he says. I dont talk to my FDH about these things, hed never admit that SD is too much of a pain in the ass, and its really not worth it... but truthfully his attitude when shes here shows how he feels!
yes ma'am I do talk to DH
yes ma'am I do talk to DH about it and he is not sure at this point what he is going to do. i asked if he wanted to give SS6 the choice to see what he would do and he said "he is 6 so he has no decision making skills. If he was a little older I would do that". so i am thinking he is about ready to just let it be as it is until SS can make decisions and give explanations that actually make sense (cause what he said to me was he didnt like coming here because his legs and arms hurt and that he didnt like/love any of us because his head and hands hurt and that he likes staying at his nana's because he doesnt like playing with chalk). I am pretty sure that DH is hurt cause he doesnt really want to talk about it but like I told him...we got to think about ALL parties involved not just SS6 or everyone that seems to be putting bad things into the kids head by spoiling him.
SS6 used to scream and cry to
SS6 used to scream and cry to come here too. The moment he was in the car with DH he was fine. It was all an attention grab. BM used to call and tell DH he couldn't take him, she was fine to hand over SD though. Anytime SS6 didn't get what he wanted he would cry for BM. I usually stayed out of it but one day I had it completely, it was obvious bullshit. SS6 started on his, I want to go to Mamis house act, yes it was an act, so I said ok good, get your shoes lets go because we have thing to do. He stopped immediately, no tears??? So I got his shoes for him, he didn't want to go to Mami's house, he just wanted whatever he wanted and that was his way to get his way, I tried to force DH to drop him off and teach him a good lesson. FAIL, DH wouldn't.
Sounds harsh. Needed to be done.
EDIT:
One thing DH used to do was not do our 'fun' planned event when SS6 was allowed not to come. I stopped that too. The fun doesn't get put on hold. That also helped - but one thing that hasn't changed, no matter what on the weekend, when the fun event is over, SS immediately is done with us and is asking when he goes to BMs. After the zoo we get in the car, i want to go with BM now. After playing in the park and eating out, i want to go with BM now. He is already in the 'use dad only for fun' mode at 6. sigh
thats how SS6 here is. if it
thats how SS6 here is. if it is a holiday he where he gets stuff he wants to be here (but we fixed that because we dont get him the "stuff" he wants we get what he needs) but now he doesnt want to be here at all...because we do buy him things he wants just to waste money and we dont take him places because he cant behave. I (in a way) am glad that DH has done that because for 2 years SS6 has be able to do what ever even when he is in trouble. so in the last 6-8 months DH has finally came around because I finally snapped and said I was done dealing with his demon child and if he didnt deal with him then I was leaving because this is bad on me and my 2 kids who love the kid to death but he doesnt want to be around us at all.
Most kids, if given a choice,
Most kids, if given a choice, will pick to be in an environment like Grandma and Grandpa's house where they're allowed to have all the fun they want.
I don't think asking SS in front of BM if he wants to come over is the answer. It just gives him what he wants (to call the shots) as opposed to what he needs (a relationship with his dad, rules and structure). If anything, maybe counseling would help him. But by asking him in front of BM if he wants to come over, that's just fueling an already out of control fire.
My SDs came over EOW and were like this too. It took many years for things to improve, but things did because dad became consistent on rules and discipline and sought professional help for them for this and regarding the sexual abuse they've endured from BM's creepy guys in her life.
funny thing is that we have
funny thing is that we have been consistent with the rules for 2 years and he refuses to listen so he stays in trouble when he is here. DH finally cracked down on discipline and so this is when he has really been bored and not wanting to be here. however I know BM and SHE doesnt want the kid there so that is why I said ask in front of her cause I know she would make him go to his dad's because she is always going out and partying so that is why he NEVER says I want to go to my moms it is always "I want to go to my NANA's because I like being there." and when we are getting ready to take him home it is always "I am going to my NANA's? yes!" then if you say "your mom is coming to get you" he says "I want my nana to get me" so I know his mom apparently has nothing to do with him.
I feel so bad for these kids
I feel so bad for these kids that feel they have to put on a show for BM. I knew a stepchild who, when asked, admitted she felt obligated to put on a big show otherwise BM would think the child didn't love her. Its so wrong for these BMs to manipulate these kids. They think they're showing the kids how much they are loved - but instead making the kids deal with having to emotionally support their parents.
This is SD12. She
This is SD12. She overcompensates to get attention from BM because BM doesn't want her otherwise. I feel sorry for SD12 - she strives to get motherly attention from a mother who only sees she has a son. BM is quick to say, then live with your Dad if its so great. This has caused SD a lot of problems. When here, she is downright protective of her mother and anything that goes on there. While with her mother, she is her brothers mama for the most part to 'help BM out' but BM takes advantage of her. Its sad SD12 feels she is in charge of her mother's happiness.
DH had her in theopy at age 9 for a long time so she could understand she is not in charge of her mothers happiness, that is for BM not SD. Unfortunately, BM never changed putting SD in that position so no more theopy and SD is now back to being in charge of her mothers happiness and feeling responsible for it. SD also feels guilt for wanting to be here with us and given choice, she herself would want to be here and live with us but would choose her mother because she feels responsible for her.
Its doing a number on her. This is what happens to kids put in that position over time.