BioMomDrama
Ok a little background. My Stepdaughters mom went to school for nursing when she was 2 weeks old. She was always handed off to her grandmother or her dad until nursing school was over. Soon after she went back to school. We had her a lot due to her mom always working night shift. If we didn't have her the grandmother did. When her biomom went back to school for 18 months she basically lived with her grandmother and came to see us Thursday to Monday when we dropped her off to school. They lived an hour away and my husband moved his job there to be able to drop her off to school easier. After school she met a man she shortly after married and moved her daughter an hour in the other direction. She continued to work night shift and her new husband always took our step daughter. We always picked her up and dropped her off with him. We never saw mom. Now he's been deployed and she said she didn't have to work and only worked weekends we had her. When the quarantine started we got her as soon as school got out because now she's "working extra" due to the virus. She's seen her mom maybe 12 days since then. And we pay her child support. Her moms always done this. As soon as something comes up she dumps the child off with us. We don't mind having her ever but how is it fair that mom keeps custody and we pay her child support when she never keeps her. When her mom has had her recently she's gone to the grandparents house. Only stayed with mom a night or two. Easter we were told we couldn't have her. Mom was sleeping because she had to work and she was with the grandparents. Grandma was working so she was alone with grandpa. We could have had her. I have a son and we had a daughter together. She could have been with us and her siblings but she always gives her to her parents while she's working or sleeping. We live in georgia and have been told we would lose if we took her to court. We currently do not have a custody agreement. When she lived in Florida she sent him to child support recovery to get child support. Sorry had to rant. There's always more and her mom fusses about everything. We don't know what to do. Basically mom doesn't want her and has always handed her off to grandma because grandma wants her and wants to raise her. We would live for her to come love with us but mom doesn't want that yet continues to take her somewhere when it's her time.
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You are trying to take the
You are trying to take the child away because mom works???
Is the child being abused or neglected? Is mom leaving the child in danger while she works?
If you get custody, will your husband quit his job or will he only work while the kid is in school or sleeping?
There are plenty of SMs here dealing with lazy BMs that refuse to do anything that will increase their earning potential. Then there are the BMs that act like they are allergic to work.
Your husband pays CS because he should be helping to financially support the child he help create. As long as your SD's mom isn't keeping her away from her father, then she isn't doing anything wrong.
If they have the child more
If they have the child more time than BM does (she said they had her every Thursday - Monday, leaving BM/Grandma Mon/Tue/Wednesday) - then why should BM be collecting Child Support?
I hear this as a BM who is not with her kid much, not just because of work.
Yes, it's good that shes
Yes, it's good that shes working, but that doesn't necessarily mean that she's a good mom because she goes to work or that she puts as much effort into parenting.
Also, why would it benefit the kid for money to be taken out of the household that she's at more often? I would assume mom makes a decent amount as a nurse.
Dad should go to court to get
Dad should go to court to get get visitation outlined and stick to it. He should also have CS reviewed to see if mom's salary will result in the CS being lowered. Mom may very well be handing the CS money over to her parents since the kid spends so much time with them.
As far as work, if mom is vilified for her work schedule, then are we going to do the same to dads? How many fathers here work crazy hours and/or do not actively parent their children? Should those BMs be able to go to court and argue that the kids are dumped on SM or the grandparents so dad shouldn't have visitation or have it decreased?
If dad gets custody, will he be the one doing the heavy lifting in regards to parenting or will it be the OP? If it falls on the OP, then he will basically be doing what mom is doing right now.
Child support lowered? She
Child support lowered? She should be paying him. He has the child 4 days a week to her 3.
Yes, it's often been said on here that if Dad isn't home the kids should be with BM rather than SM.
I still hear this as a mother who isn't just working, she's not interested in parenting, so she sends the kid to the grandmother's. OP will need to clarify
Wait, I thought dad had her 4
Wait, I thought dad had her 4 days when they lived in the same area. That isn't the current schedule.
Plenty of moms have tried to say kids can't/shouldn't stay with SM if dad isn't home. The consensus here is if the kids aren't in danger, mom can kick rocks.
You may be right about mom not wanting to parent. But will things really be different in dads home? Let's be honest, more often than not, SMs are tasked with the parenting responsibilities in the home. If dad gets custody, chances are the OP will be doing the exact things the grandparents are doing now.
I don't think parents should be punished (lose custody or decrease visitation) for having family members that WILLING step in and help.
I rarely hear on here about
I rarely hear on here about BMs who try to take time away because the father isn't the one watching the child. Usually it's recommended over and over to SMs who are sick of watching skids, that if the father isn't there, the kid shouldn't be there. I believe that myself, and have said it repeatedly. We rarely see SMs on here who want to be the caregiver of a skid over BM.
I personally think the other parent's household should get the child over a grandparent "raising her" as OP has said. If Dad and SM want the child, she should be with them, not Grandma.
And again, it depends on if we are talking just care while BM is working or if BM leaves her there for days.
"I personally think the other parent's household should get the child over a grandparent "raising her" as OP has said. If Dad and SM want the child, she should be with them, not Grandma."
If that results in the father doing the heavy lifting, then I agree with you. If it results in the SM filling the role that the grandparents are currently filling, then it comes across as being a hypocrite. ( and no Tog, I am not calling you a hypocrite ).
In the end, I believes it depends on the type of father the OP's husband is.
To me, even if SM is doing
To me, even if SM is doing some of the heavy lifting, a child belongs in the home of a parent, not a grandparent. If the father is in the home and has a presence in raising his child, that should take precedence over being with a grandparent. If he's not there AT ALL, then no.
If BM dies, chances are very good that custody will go to the father, not the grandmother. He has more right to the child than she does, regardless of who does what in his home.
Exactly
That's my point. She needs to be with a parent. Her dad is home. Every afternoon to eat with the family. Spend time with us. He's not off every weekend but most weekends he's off at least one day. Each kid would be going to different schools or daycare so he would take her to school in the mornings and I would pick them up. We dropped her off this past Thursday with her mom and the next day she's headed to Tampa with the grandma for a week. Next week she comes back to us.
I think people here do vilify
I think people here do vilify dads who insist on taking as much time as possible with the kids only to dump them on the stepmom.
As someone who has dealt with this, i feel the OPs pain. One of the biomoms in my SO's situation does this. Claims to be "working" but won't divulge her actual schedule or where she's working, and the kids are either with a grandma, an uncle, or she uses my SO's house as drop-in care. The woman can't stand to have her kids but likes the check.
Both BMs who pawn their kids off but take the check, and BDs who pawn the kids off to avoid paying extra are two sides of the same lazy and selfish user coin, and should be vilified accordingly.
Agreed. And often say that if
Agreed. And often say that if the father isn't home, the kid should be with BM.
He’s home
Dads home most afternoons. He works 8-5 most days and once a week works afternoons and comes home late. And I don't consider it dumping his kid on me. We're married and she's my kid too. I do for her just like the others. We just want some consistency in her daily life. She gets very emotional jumping from place to place and seems very content when with us. She shows out when she goes back to her moms because she never sees her and gets attention from her.
Ah yes, this is not an
Ah yes, this is not an uncommon BM situation - she gets the money, you get the kid.
If you are certain you can't get custody in court, then all you can do is refuse to take her outside of the agreed-upon schedule. Did an attorney tell you that you will lose in court (not surprised, by the way, many Family Courts are still very mother-biased).
Lawyer
Yes two lawyers said we would just get every other weekend and scheduled holidays. We would have to prove it is an unstable home for her and that's hard to do because her mom will never say she keeps her for her all the time.
We currently do not have a
DH needs to get a custody agreement. He is not going to get full custody, but there will be an agreement that will outline specific mom days and dad days.
It is fair because your
It is fair because your husband allows it to be. If he wants to adjust the amount of child support then he can see if he can get it reviewed. If he wants a formal custody agreement, then he can work towards that.
Dad
Basically she's done this her whole life. She's currently 9. Dad is moving his job back to our hometown. He generally works 8-5. Mom has always chose to work night and hand her off while she works. Working doesn't make her a bad mom. But why would you chose to work nights and have your kid stay with their stepdad all the time? And now that he's deployed she's with other people. We just want her to have a stable home and not be shuffled every few days. Her mom never spends time with her and always makes a stink when she comes home. Always complains about us when she gets home. And has several times called us yelling at us for the most petty stuff. Such as the one time she left a bra at our house. We just want her to be in a stable home with some consistency in her daily routines.
You said earlier that BM
You said earlier that BM "didn't have to work." If that's the case, it sounds like she just doesn't enjoy parenting and would rather work. It's not an instance of she has to work so much to keep the lights on. As a nurse, there are many options for schedules, so she could make time to spend with SD if she chose.
One of the BMs in my situation is like that, too. Finds any excuse to have someone else watch the one kid she still has custody of. She won't give up her week. Idk if it's because of the money or if she doesn't want to "look bad", by giving her rights up entirely. It's been really bad for the kid, though. Hasn't been taught even the most basic of life skills and by now, he is really hard to teach due to a life of constant bouncing around. I am trying to re-engage and help but he is constantly being moved and nobody knows when the mom is coming or going with him. Establishing a routine with him isn't possible. It's sad.
To add, i guess the point of
To add, i guess the point of that is that unless these dads get the balls to speak up, fight for some kind of normalcy in their kids' lives, and then step up and parent, there is only so much a stepmom can do.
BM should be the one paying
BM should be the one paying Cs.
Your DH is allowing this
He is the one not doing anything. He not lowering or getting CS. He playing BM games. He letting BM control what happing. You should be complaining about DH not BM
Unwilling biomum
Same situation here, if its not the grandmother it's the latest bf doing the parenting. Unfortunately there's not a lot you can do as long as the child is safe and well on 'her time' unless dh wants to go for full custody