Help with SD and biomom
So SD has not come over in almost a month. Sadly the more time she spends with her mom the less she wants to come over. We try to call her frequently. She makes excuses her mom has her phone or her mom makes her read every afternoon and do extra work. But never attempts to call us back. Later she will cry saying she's upset because my 3 yr old daughter stresses her out when she's over. She stays in her room playing on her phone usually. But when she's here she will play with my daughter with no problems. How can my daughter stress her out when she's never here but plays well with her when she is here? Cries because she doesn't see her dad much or spend enough time with her yet she won't come over. She missed the last weekend because her mom let her go with her friend to midget wrestling. Then we agreed she would come over this weekend now it's the excuse they have to go see family and it's their weekend. I'm at a loss. We've spoke to a lawyer and the most we would get is every other weekend like we are doing. We don't currently have an agreement. The mother has been alienating us for some time we know this. There's just no way to prove it. Help
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Unfortunately classic telltale signs of pas is the
Bullshit nonsensical excuses that are so pathetic and false. Its basically what biomum brainwashed sd with.
if there is no court order stipulating bio mum is in contempt of court by not handing sd over to her dad during his custody time, you're kinda screwed unless you go to court to have it in writing and they'll often go by what current arrangement has been so as not to upset the stability
not every alienated dad is gonna waste a tonne of money in court costs to still have an ex not following the order. There's a point where the kids are sadly a lost cause and its not feasible to go into debt over it.
skids don't always snap out of this situation and rebuild relationships with their bio dads. The dysfunction breeds dysfunction and if sd is picking up already unacceptable bad traits because of bio mum, you certainly do not want those unacceptable behaviours going on in your home and your own kid(s) thinking this is normal and acceptable
We’re so upset over this
We want to continue to try. We never want her to think we didn't want her or that we didn't try hard enough. But sadly her mother has had this plan all along. She had another baby with her new husband and has even mentioned having a little family but we disrupt that l. Since the baby she has made comments she's not comfortable anymore or cries over something silly. We know she's wanting more attention and we try. But how can we if she's not here. She even said it was us or midget wrestling with her friends. We planned on buying kayaks this summer because the kids love to go however they are expensive and it almost seems useless to buy her one if she's never here. We've always done for her first or a little more. Yet it's never appreciated. Her mom even makes a face and ignores her if she wants to express how much fun she had at our house. Now she just doesn't express at all. It's so sad. It's a huge long story how things have changed over the years. She seems normal and loving while here then turns into this ungrateful ignoring child when she stays with her mom. Never returns calls or texts. Won't say I love you on the phone. Yet you can't prove any of that in court. So we're at a loss.
I understand the wanting to try bit
My husband certainly considered it after the divorce where he lived overseas after a divorce, if the mother remarries, the dad can automatically apply for sole custody.
the ideology behind that is the mum will be more focused on her new family. Hubbys family told him to and a sil gave bio mum a heads up what hubbys family told him and she ran off disappeared with both daughters who were approx 7 & 17 (minors) and ceased all contact.
hubby considered going to the police, going theough courts but when marrying his exwife and divorcing her, her brother and father who were police officers had threatened to stab and shoot my husband to death. He wasn't gonna put himself in harms way taking her to court.
funny thing now is exwifes whole family hate her because she conned her elderly mum into transferring all property and assets to her name (for safekeeping she claimed), this was when she was quite ill. Bio mum knew if her mum died that she got to keep all the money and assets.
her own siblings went to witch drs trying to attack her and sd's spiritually because they saw sd's supporting and excusing bio mum's behaviour so therefore they condoned it and are considered traitors and enemies.
i made it very clear to my husband his daughters are not to enter our marital home ever and they are never to attend any holidays or outings with us, hubby manages his relationship with them separately. I just can't put myself and our kids near them with the disrespect and concerning behaviours are of them towards us and the nonstop reporting of us to biomum
Smack BM with a contempt motion.
Every time she fails to deliver the Skid per the CO.
Lather, rinse, repeat.
See how SD likes seeing mommy have to deal with the courts over, and over, and over again.
Quit delaying. Get the CO. Then keep a rolled up copy of it handy and smack BM with it every time she violates the CO.
PAS
A very difficult thing to overcome...both the PAS'd parent and the PAS'd child. Dr. Amy J.L. Baker is a great resourse for understanding and dealing with PAS. I've read several of her books. https://www.amyjlbaker.com
On the kayaks. I'd be careful about spending all that money. We did that with 4-wheelers. Bought 3 of those things...one for each of DHs youngest kids and we shared one. Saw the kids 3 weekends every 6 weeks. My DH worked overseas so the 3 weeks he was at work, I had zero contact with his kids. We ended up selling all those bikes at a very discounted price. And I regret the thousands of dollars spend for kids that rarely used them and wanted nothing to do with us unless we were spending countless dollars when they were here.
I'd suggest researching PAS and making a plan based on that knowledge. Most kids don't come out of PAS until adulthood and sadly, many never do. With the correct information / knowledge of PAS, you can decide how much money you want to spend in court fighting it. I regret the $10K we put out. Did zero for us.
Good liuck
We want to continue to try.
We want to continue to try. We never want her to think we didn't want her or that we didn't try hard enough.
-----------------------------
Do you believe wasting, sometimes to the tune of 100k in attorneys fees, is going to prove anything? It will not.
Call alienated MINOR child once a week, ask her if she wants to spend the weekend, ask her to spend a week, ASK her to spend all the holidays, and summer with you.
IF she says no OR lacks response, ask child, do you realize and understand that YOU can come here when ever you want, we will pick up you. We want you here, in your home with us. We miss you and we love you.
Keep your money. Going to court will not fix this. It is a mental health problem with bm. Courts rarely resolve "Parental Alienation". They have not in over 20years.
Good luck and please keep us posted.
We don’t have the money
We do frequently call her. Her mom takes her phone and forces us to call her and ask her to get SD to call us. This next weekend is my daughters birthday and we asked if she was coming. She said she didn't know? We asked why and she said her mom hadn't told her what she was doing. We were like well it's our weekend for one and it's your sisters birthday and she would like you to come celebrate as well. She said we will see. Her mom has always enticed her with things to do instead of come and see us. And for her been an only child for so long she always got what she wanted especially from her mom. She will lie and said she had a bad or boring weekend with us even if we went and did what she wanted because her mom will say sorry we will go get ice cream to make you feel better. She's learned how to manipulate everyone but us. And she goes where she gets her way. Sadly again she's turning into her mom. We can't fight because we don't have the money and her grandparents will fork up the money and they have access to a lot. We try to make her feel included. When she's here for awhile her attitude changes. She stays under my feet loves to cook with me. We do our nails together and such. I spent last summer painting and redecorating her room as a surprise she got a hamster for her birthday even though I take care of it most of the time. It's a constant battle.
Drop the rope.
Drop the rope.
Dont fight in court
SD15 is sadly uper enmeshed with the BM Toxic Troll. They are very co dpeependent, so every consideratoin is given to BM, who is high drama. If TT has a sadz, SD must cheer her and comfort her. If TT has a fart, Sd must be conerned for her health and safety. When TT "lost" herapartment, SD had to force her to find another.
We have 50/50, but Sd 15.5 largely stays in her room, talking on the phone to friends. Anytime Ive invited her out, for lunch or whatever she mainly declines. So I stopped. Im disengaged since last year in April.
As for parenting, anytime DH oversteps and tries to parent, TT threatens family court, so he largely steps aside. It wasnt always like this, just recently.
Dont fight in court, try to get a CO, and get some structure. When SD declines visits, she really doesnt understand the repercussions to her actions.
What the f... is midget
What the f... is midget wrestling??