My BM has 2 kids, one biological, one adopted. The BD she treats like she walks on water. The adopted daughter has behavioral problems and is in a group home, but gets home visits EOW, which BD and my DH are supposed to split.

Around the social worker, psychologist, and group home staff, BM is the long-suffering martyr mom. But she regularly ditches her daughter rather than take her home visits -- in 5 months, she had her at her home 3 times -- and has sucked all the above-mentioned people into her camp (all of whom are middle-aged women like her) and turned them against DH (and me). She only takes her adopted daughter on weekends when she's going to see family or something so that she can make a big production of what a great mom she is. Even her adopted daughter once said to me, "Mom's really good at making people think she's a nice person." Wow, how do you react to THAT? In my head, I'm saying, "No sh*t, she does." But of course, I can't say that out loud -- even though I KNOW BM says terrible things about me to both her daughters and anyone who will listen.

BB

- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)

I believe that there is a school that teaches them. In the past my BM would in a word act an ass. That beautiful behavior didn't get her far. She lost the husband, then the house (foreclosure), then the kids, then the job. So, now she is practicing a new tactic. She is SUPER Phoney Bitch Mom. Because I don't buy into her phoniness she is now just total bitch with me. She wavers back and forth with DH. He never know who is going to deal with, but then again...he no longer deals with her. At the kids school, in front of friends and other parents and at sporting events she is the most wonderfullest (i know I just made that word up) person you will ever meet. Most people fall for it INITIALLY. But usually by the 4th or 5th time one of those other personalities rears it's ugly head. She tries to volunteer at the kids school and be involved wherever possible so I give her credit for trying. She is more of a hindrance though and the even sadder part is that she does abso-effing-lutely nothing else. SHe has resigned in her mind to not visit with the kids regularly. She feels that she can peep in and out when it suits her. Lets see since the new year began she has spent maybe and I do mean MAYBE a total of about 60 hours with the kids. No exaggeration. Here we are in March. She sees them for a couple of hours here and there and even sadder is the fact that they are ok with it. 6 1/2 more years, 6 1/2 more years, 6 1/2 more years before the youngest graduates.

Just because one opens her legs twice, does not a mother make! ~ ME ~ }:-P

I've heard about this BM type and it sounds only slightly better than my type of BM (Psycho). I thought about it though, and although my skid's BM is very much crazy, in my opinion, and definitely doesn't act like a saint, she does have some of these qualities in the sense that she wants other people to perceive her as the best mom in the world when she is actually one of the worst. Mine has harassed me, stalked me, badmouthed me and my hubby to the kids and anyone who will listen to her, she still acts like she is an angel with people who don't know her. As for her "mothering," she is, in my opinion, neglectful and emotionally damaging to her kids. She lets them have whatever they want and do whatever they want because she wants them to like her. She feeds them tons of sugar and junk food, has no structure or routine, keeps them home from school constantly for no reason, lets them be rude to her and other people, tells them that they are kings and geniuses (both are below average intelligence and have psychological conditions). At her house the kids don't eat healthy meals, don't have a bedtime, don't bathe regularly, don't receive regular haircuts, wear ratty mismatched clothing, play endless video games, have constant temper tantrums, lie and get away with it etc... and despite this and much more, she presents herself as the best mother in the world to other people. When we were working out custody issues, she said that she should have full custody because she is the "better parent." (this was not in front of other people, just her, my hubby and I) My husband and I were shocked that she would make this statement and asked her why she thought she was a better parent and she had no reason. She just kept repeating that she was the "better parent" and said that she was automatically entitled to full custody of the kids. Later in a different conversation, with just her and my hubby, he tried to get her to give any reasons for her statement and she didn't have any and he pointed that out and then asked her if she thought she really thought she was entitled to something just because she WANTED it and she said yes!!!! (This has played out in other areas as well-she really, genuinely thinks that she SHOULD have something just because she wants it and doesn't see how illogical this is!!!!). Unsurprisingly, we have far and away better results with the kids at our house. Both skids have behavior problems, partially relating to their psychological issues and mostly because of the way they have been raised until recently . After my hubby and I started raising the skids the way he has always wanted to (and the way I always intended to raise my own kids) we have had tremendous success with them and their behavior and anxiety has drastically improved. We parent in pretty much the opposite way as the BM with lots of structure, rules, good healthy food, nice comfortable and weather appropriate clothing, bedtimes, nightly baths, regular haircuts, hygiene guidance etc...and the skids are calmer, happier and way better behaved with us. When I first married my guy, the skids could not be taken in public because they were so socially inappropriate and had out of control temper tantrums (as in the ten year old would scream and throw himself on the ground and thrash around yelling if we wouldn't give him fast food or buy him candy). The skids constantly whined, fought, complained and were rude and although they still have A LOT of problems in that area, they are like different kids now, a year later. This was one of the main reasons my hubby left his ex-because he wanted to raise the kids well and his ex undermined him and refused to agree to basic rules and structure. Anyway, with us they know the rules and we have specific consequences if they don't follow them (time outs, loss of privileges etc...). They end up having a lot more fun because instead of whining and crying all the time they have discovered that they can have a blast with us if they behave well and we play a lot of board games, do outdoors sports, work on art projects, read stories and all kinds of things that they were too miserable and badly behaved to even participate in before. The funny thing is that they are still incredibly badly behaved with their mom, but their improved behavior was so drastic that even she noticed it and a few minutes after announcing that she was the superior parent, she asked us what our house rules were!!! She asked us if we would combine our house rules with hers (?), as in letting her know how much reading the kids had done, how many "time outs" they had had etc... Given her history, we decided that we should keep our households as separate as possible and just recommended parenting books, which instantly made her flip out and get defensive and she launched into saying that she did not need our help and that she was the better parent and the kids love her more! (whoa crazy!). We interpret this as her massive insecurity because we think that she is perfectly aware of what a poor mother she is, but is in too much denial to face it. She avoids taking the kids out in public and the eldest is in special ed because of his behavior problems at school, so she has to know that her kids are not normal, but she functions in a total state of denial and actually once told me that her kids problems were because I was a "slut" and I "seduced" her boyfriend and "ruined her kids lives" because I am a "nasty, dirty little home-wrecker." I laughed and jokingly went along with it and said that yes, I must have been psychically mind controlling the kids for years before they met me to ensure that they would have behavior problems. Her kids were in counseling (State ordered) and special Ed. for years before I came into their lives, but apparently I am fully responsible for her kids problems from birth. Haha! This is what I mean by crazy. Anyway, I am off on a tangent here, but my main point is that, this is the state of her mothering (I could go on for pages on what a bad job she does) and she still acts like she is a saint with teachers, counselors, doctors, etc... It's crazy! We (my hubby and I and the BM) went to a special ed. meeting for the eldest skid because he is being bullied and it was hilarious how she put on this huge act! She was furious that I was there and that the teachers and counselors were friendly with me and that made her act increase even more to try to make me look bad. The teachers tried to tactfully explain that my skid is being bullied because he is rude to the other kids and is socially inappropriate and were trying to give suggestions on how to improve that and she responded with this big faky show of concern and lied about how she is raising the kids. She actually claimed our routine as her own!!! She went off on how she doesn't let them play video games until after homework and that there is a time limit to tv and games and went off on how fun it is to give the kids haircuts and do art projects with them. In truth, she counts cartoons with subtitles as reading, and lets the kids play endless video games and I am the one who gives them haircuts!!! I have a little barber kit and the boys love it because I turn it into a game and make a fake "barbershop" for their monthly haircuts. I recently had the flu and missed on their haircuts and the BM just let their hair get all scraggly and ratted. She doesn't even brush their hair in the mornings and when they are with her they look disheveled and neglected. I couldn't believe that she blatantly lied in front of us and all the teachers!! Fortunately, and this is the best part, two of the teachers said they were confused because my skid had been talking about how different it is at our two houses and how much he liked playing endless games at his moms. He had proudly told his teacher that he had played eight hours straight of Grand Theft Auto (a game I won't let them play and we don't even own because it isn't age appropriate and is too violent) at his moms. He had also recently tattled on another kid (a huge part of the bullying problem is that he tattles a lot and the other kids don't respond well to that-he also tells other kids that they are stupid and he is a genius because his mom told him he is) and then lied to a teacher. The teacher had a chat with him about lying and how important it is to tell the truth (something we work on at home constantly) and he, according to her, shrugged his shoulders and said, "my mom lies and it's ok, why can she lie, but I can't?" The teacher was curious and asked him what he thought his mom lied about (hoping to debunk this) and he said, "she lies to my dad and pretty much everyone." (!!!!!!!!!). Haha, I thought this was hilarious and blew her little act to pieces. The teacher told us about the lying episode and we have heard him say the same thing at home, when he gets in trouble with us for lying. Anyway, in the meeting, the teachers were really tactful, but acted confused and mentioned that my skid had talked a lot about how different it is at his mom and dad's house and they totally knew she was full of bull. Much to my satisfaction, the BM turned all blotchy and red, but true to her shameless form, she quickly recovered and took the tack of angry mother whose son is not being protected from "evil bullies." It was quite a show!!! This is just one example and in this one she got caught out, but most of the time people seem to believe her. She is older and pudgy and wears really drab and conservative clothes and just looks really mild and ordinary, not like the crazy liar she is, so I don't think most people assume that regular people are lying constantly. In general, she accuses us of everything that she does herself and takes responsibility for things that she hasn't done, if they are positive. Fortunately the skids pipe up a lot and say it how it really is, so I don't think she will be able to get away with a lot of it, but I find it shocking and annoying. Another thing that happened that falls under this category I think was that during the first few months of my marriage, the BM tried to win over as many of the skids doctors, teachers and counselors as she could. She went to the skids schools and told the teachers that their dad had abandoned them because he had been seduced by an "immoral" woman and that they would be under a lot of stress and need extra support and did the same with all of the authority figures in the skid's lives. The only person she succeeded with was my eldest skid's counselor (outside of school) and I can't even imagine what untrue and crazy things she said about me to her because the counselor seemed to think I was the anti-christ and wrote a letter on the BM's behalf to my hubby saying that "for the kid's sakes" they should have "family time" (i.e. my hubby, the BM and the kids) without me, four or five times a week where they would all go bowling or to the movies etc... and be a "family unit" without me for the well-being of the kids!!!! My hubby laughed until he cried when he read that and promptly found another counselor for his son (he now alternates between his mom's choice and our choice). This happened during the time that the BM was refusing to believe that my hubby had left her and kept calling to invite him and acting like he was going to continue to hang out with her (once she actually called him on my phone-I answered-and told him that she had ordered his favorite kind of pizza and rented a movie and when would he be over?!!!!!!). In between bizarrely denying that they had split she was having screaming fits and sobbing for hours to the point that she couldn't care for the kids and he had to pick them up. She used to lie and tell him that she was sick and that he needed to come get the kids and then when he got to her house, she would be "all better" and tried to get him to hang out with her. When he, stunned and shocked, always told her NO, and that he was married to me and did not live with her and would NEVER be spending time with her, she would lose it and scream and cry and tell him (in front of the kids) that he was abandoning his family! Around this time period she also sent me an email telling me that I would not be invited or included in any "family get-togethers" or holidays. She seriously thought that my husband would be spending holidays and special events with her and the kids!!!! Like I would be his mistress and be kept locked away most of the time! It's so funny because even with her crazy denial, she has had to face that we are one family unit and we have our own holidays and family times and she and the kids are the other unit. It is up to her to make her unit go the way she wants it, but she is absolutely not included in anything we do and we have absolutely nothing to do with her or her life. We limit our contact with her to short phone conversations about the kids and dropping them off and picking them off. I don't know if it has sunk in with her yet that she is not a part of our family and that SHE is the one who is excluded, not me. She was this unstable (actually more unstable than I could even describe) during this time period and at the same time was openly telling anyone who would listen that she was a great parent and putting on a huge show at work and school about what a wonderful mom she was! My opinion is that if you have to tell cashiers at the grocery store that you are a good mom, than you probably have some pretty serious insecurities. The funny thing is that she knows exactly what I think of her and her mothering and she is obviously extremely insecure about it because she actually, literally talks about it in front of me. As in, if we are all at the same place (for a school play or meeting) she will loudly talk to her son and say things like, "you sure are a lucky boy to have such a good mother" or "my sister said you were great at games the other day, you must be so smart, I guess you got that from your mom." I am dead serious. She actually says these things and it couldn't be more pathetic. She is so stupid that she doesn't realize that she is loudly and clearly telling the world how insecure she is and that she feels weak and defensive. Anyway, that's my not-so-short story on this issue. It is as annoying as can be to deal with this kind of behavior. She has no shame or pride when it comes to looking bad in front of us (she has already lost every last scrap of dignity she probably never had in the first place with us) and doesn't care when we catch her lying to us or badmouthing us to the kids, but she does care what strangers think of her and so she puts on this ridiculous and transparent act that fortunately fools almost nobody. I guess I am lucky in having the BM that is too stupid to successfully pull off the great mother act, because it would be a lot worse if she was smart and actually conned people into thinking that she is great and we are horrible parents. Another comfort to me is that the results speak for themselves and the kids have told their teachers and counselors as well as us that although they like eating junk food and playing tons of video games (what kid doesn't?) they like it better at our house because it feels "cozier" and "safer." Her plans to turn the kids against me (as well as the general public) have totally backfired as well and weirdly enough the kids actually defend me over their mom!!! Whenever there is an event where we will all be there, the eldest boy always tells him mom to "be nice" to me and once told her that she "better be nice, or else he would be mad at her forever if she was mean." I don't advocate him speaking to her like that, but I find it ironic that the kids stand up for me (unasked I might add!) and nothing makes her more furious. Anyway, i've rambled on too long, but I hope my scenario is comforting to anyone who has a similar BM.

BM is great at two things. She can put up quite an act, and she can bitch her mouth off when the "world" isn't watching her.

BM always goes to Blabb's school activities, and the few times that I've been there, I noticed that she is overly pleasant to everyone. :barf: She's polite and makes everyone laugh because she's soooooo funny *insert sarcasm*. She makes everyone think that she's super mom.

It's disgusting.

When I tell people how the real BM is, they look at me with disbelief and say, "BM!? NO! She would NEVER do that!"

My Skid's BioDad is Mr. Downtrodden-victim-try-really-hard-guy in court. When we all walk out of court he disappears and does not raise his idiot head out of his hole until he wants CS lowered.

Then he puts on his suit, gets his dreds cut off, shaves and pouts his way through another CS hearing. The first judge ridiculed his dreds, goat and hygiene so at least he buffs up his appearance for court these days.

I don't think that "normal" people without either a genetic mutation or severe character flaw would do what these freakshows do. Or maybe ...... they are really aliens!

He finally has learned that because my Wife has a professional career that the total dollars subject to CS analysis goes up high enough that even though the % of financial responsibility assigned to her goes up his actual CS payments go up.

He has not crawled out of his hole for years now and probably won't until he comes to the realization that the county he moved the CS case to requires him to pay CS as long as the kid is a full time college student until he (kid) turns 21. When this fact dawns on him he will blow a gasket and whine and cry his way in front of the judge for help. I can't wait for that final drama.

Best regards,

This woman is the nastiest person to my FH but if you were to meet her she is supermom. She has inserted herself into FHs family (thank god they live FAR AWAY)and she has no life except for her daughter. She has never had another b/f in the 16 years since FH dumped her and no friends - except for her contact with FH's family. Some of my future SILs have kids the same age as SD16 so if she goes to a family party BM goes with her like she is family. No one ever has the nerve to tell her to leave because they don't want to upset the apple cart so ever family function that my FHs family has she is there - that is why he doesn't attend. She acts like it is HER family. She just can't do enough for them and SD16 - so of course they all think the sun shines out of her ass and she is a saint. She even finds out when they go to church so she can go with them. Her whole entire life is about her daughter. She is at everything concerning her daughter. If she is not invited she shows up and just stays. I think when SD16 goes to college (she has already told us she wants to live in the dorms) I think this woman is going to have a complete melt down because she will have nothing.

my husbands ex is wonderful at pulling the wool over on everyone. She is a highly functioning borderline (bpd). She convinces you that you are the one who is crazy. It is insidious.

BM acts so nice to everyone including us in public. But behind closed doors she is crazy, manipulating, and conniving. I just ignore her, don't even look her way, if I don't like someone I am not going to pretend to.

My SDS BM is different from most who posted. In public she acts like we all get along so good, is nice but not over the top. I wish she was like that all the time but once the concert, game whatever is over she is psycho controling again.

Just ignore her, thats the only way I can deal.