Real estate and protecting myself
Hi. I want to start off by introducing myself. I'm a long time lurker but this is my first blog post and I would really like some advice. My fiancé and I have been together for 5 years and engaged for 4. Needless to say we've had a very rocky relationship that in the last 2 years has gotten much better. He has 3 children with 2 different women and 1 child with me. I have no other children. Here comes the problem. For the last 8 years I've been positioning myself to buy a house. I've saved up money for that time and for the last year I've been working on cleaning up my credit. I'm now in a position to purchase a home but he is not. Since I've known him he's never had a stable work history, although he finds ways to pay bills and get by. The longest he's been at one job is 1 year and he was self employed, that ending want his fault but still. We are arguing over putting his name on the deed although he's not contributing towards the down payment and will not be on the mortgage. He says he fells used so that he can pay half a mortgage for a house that isn't his. I'm not so much worried that we will break up and I'll have to buy him out the house but that he's 10 yrs older than me and if something were to happen to him I have to buy 2 BMs out of his portion of the house or be force to sell. I considered joint tenants but if something were to happen to me the house would still be divided between his 4 kids and not primarily to my one. Am I being selfish? I feel like I've sacrified a lot to build and leave a home for my son that he might not get because his father doesn't want to consider all of the possibilities. I'm trying to find that line between being smart and protecting myself financially and fostering a healthy relationship.
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Why even bring up the issue
Why even bring up the issue of "she trusted him enough to have his child"? Bearing a child with someone does not give anybody a lifetime pass for trust, reliability, etc. Nobody with children would ever be divorced if that were the case.
The guy sounds more than a little dicey and greedy. In the event of a split he sounds like just the kind of guy to be HORRIBLE.
No woman (or man) should ever place themselves in a position that they are trapped in a marriage. I have a very good marriage to a good man - but it is only common sense to make sure that I could be okay without him. People get run over by buses even if they don't lie and cheat or leave you.
Yes I am dead serious. No
Yes I am dead serious. No where did I say that who fathers your child is unimportant. Where the f*** did you get that? Hell is it critically important. But that baby is born. This is the present.
Her decision to have a child with him may have been a terrible mistake or it may have been a great choice at the time. But it has nothing to do with TODAY. It's called a "sunk cost".
Assume that he was a great choice to have a child with when she became pregnant. What I was saying is that does not mean that the situation is always the same. Many, many a person has had a child in the context of a loving relationship with a good person - at that time. Later - circumstances can change and go to hell. Just like sometimes "bad" people can straighten up and fly right. Sometimes "good" people go off track.
That child is very important. The OP will be in a much better place to take care of that child if something goes wrong if she does not have to split the house with an ex.
Nothing like having a child
Nothing like having a child with someone to really see who they are. I swear parenthood brings out a different person in people.
I totally agree with you- who someone was when they created a baby is not who they are forever in life. People change.
"OP will be in a much better
"OP will be in a much better place to take care of that child if something goes wrong if she does not have to split the house with an ex."
^^exactly. Fiance has already spread his seed around with several women and there's no guarantee that OP will be the last. Sounds like it's time for him to get the snip.
Don't be rude. Contrary to
Don't be rude. Contrary to popular belief there's nothing wrong with having multiple kids, even if they have different parents as long as you're supporting them. I know who the father of my son. but if these financial situations didn't exist there wouldn't be such thing as a prenup or a will. The whole point is protecting myself financially.
Whatever you say. Your
Whatever you say. Your fiance, your decision. Good luck!
Put the house in your name
Put the house in your name only. He's being a user/loser if he wants you to basically deed over half of something that you have worked so hard for. He will not be "paying" half of your mortgage. He will be paying rent for the privilege of living there just like he does now to a landlord.
Do not let him guilt you into this. I just bought a home that is 100% in my name. My DH is 100% supportive of it being in my name only. But he is not a user/loser.
^^^^This! ^^^^^
^^^^This! ^^^^^
I would normally say that you
I would normally say that you guys are going to be life partners and you have a child together, so he should be on the deed. However given what you've described maybe start premarital counseling and don't get married until you've worked out all the issues. Sounds like there's a lot going on.
In regards to what would happen if he passed, I think when a husband dies everything immediately goes to the wife 100% unless there's a will. So you can make sure that his will specifies that you get the house because you basically bought it.
It depends on the state. In
It depends on the state. In my state, if there is no will and DH dies, the wife gets 50% plus $70,000 (I think) value of the estate. HIS children get the rest. OP is right to be worried because unless she lives in a community property state his other children would be entitled to 50% of his portion of the home, meaning OP would have to sell or buy them out.
OP, keep him off the deed. He's financially irresponsible and the two of you aren't married. I believe you could set up a "living trust," where fiance could live in the home until he chose not to or dies then the home would fully belong to your son. Consulting a lawyer about your options will save you money and heartache in the long run.
Keep in mind that marriage is a legal arrangement between you, him and the state. You can still be committed to each other without being married.
THIS! I learned from the
THIS! I learned from the best a Looooonnnnnnnng time ago. No joint accounts and no joint property ownership.
I would encourage him to clean up his act and buy his OWN property
I was unaware of this. Thank
I was unaware of this. Thank you for the info.
You know in your gut what the
You know in your gut what the answer is: Put any property you buy in YOUR NAME ONLY!
The only reason you have doubts is because he is trying to make you feel guilty. "He's feeling used." C'mon ...don't fall for it. Sounds like he is a manipulator. He's 10 years older than you and he still doesn't seem to have his $hit together.
The most important thing a woman (and mother) can do is ensure she has a safe roof over her head. Don't risk it all because you don't want to upset this guy. He can be gone tomorrow. Protect yourself and your child.
If he doesn't want to share household expenses while living in YOUR home, then tell him he can go out and get his own place. See if that will be cheaper for him. In the interim, I would suggest taking a step back from marrying this guy.
Lots of red flags here, IMO.
Right! Chef constantly was
Right! Chef constantly was bugging me to put his name on the deed. Just because he put sweat equity into the house in lieu of rent and living expenses to me! He even got VERY nasty with me to intimidate me into doing so a few years back. he has been trying to guilt me into marrying him for the last TEN years so he can get on my very good health benefits.
Yet the BM will be on the "payroll" for at least another 8 years here in GUBM centric NY. And he refuses to get a job with a larger company or unionized where he would have a chance of getting his own benefits.
Cant have their cake and eat it too. Stick to your guns.
If he's not on the mortgage I
If he's not on the mortgage I would not put him on the deed.
He gets all the benefits by being on the deed but not any of the potential issues of being on the mortgage.
He also sounds very irresponsible and in no place to actually own a home. So why would he be put on the deed?
It sounds like he is using you for your good credit, work history, stability and hard work.
As for him paying half the mortgage with no benefit, isnt he doing that for someone else right now by paying rent currently?
You worked hard to provide this home for YOUR child. I would do anything I could to ensure that it stays that way.
You sound like a smart person so dont make a dumb move by putting him on the deed.
Thank you ladies for the
Thank you ladies for the responses. I just want to make sure I protect myself and my son.
I'm not well versed in
I'm not well versed in mortgages, but if he's on the deed I think you will have difficulty getting a mortgage by yourself. Mortgage companies, in my limited experience, require all parties on the deed to sign. Also, his name, with his unstable finances, may increase your mortgage rate. You may be a better risk (get a lower rate) without him.
Before you do anything see a lawyer and discuss the legal implications (in the state where you live) of deeds, mortgages, and estates. The lawyer can discuss the laws of your state and the various ways deeds can be titled (tenants in common vs joint tenants).
I have friends who live together and own property. They have a partnership agreement that details what happens when one of them dies. You could ask about partnership agreements when you see the lawyer. There's nothing romantic about them, but they are very practical.
He has legal financial obligations to children other than yours together. Be sure you know exactly what those obligations are before you entangle your financial lives.
He should be willing to let you (and your lawyer) review the court documents that outline those obligations. If he's not it's a red flag that you need to see.
If he defaults on his legal obligations to his previous children can they attach a line to your home if he is on the deed? I would think so.
He's looking out for himself with the 'I don't want to pay half the mortgage if I'm not on the deed' statement. You need to look out for yourself and your child.
To me, if he's on the deed he needs to pay half the mortgage and half of all the other expenses. Is he now paying half of the rent and household expenses and child expenses? If not, it's an absolute no to being on the deed.
I wouldn't put him on the
I wouldn't put him on the deed (that can be done anytime down the line) but I probably wouldn't be marrying him at this point, either.
Agree with all of this. The
Agree with all of this. The other children will presumable inherit property from their maternal side, which your child will have no interest in. It should be the same for your son.
I presume you help with the children when they are with you, pay the bills in a house with 2 extra kids sometimes in it, buy food for more than yourself and your son... You get my drift. Whether with physical money or labour, you are partially subsidizing his children. No way in hell should he be on the deed or on the mortgage. If he doesn't like it, he is free to pay the rent elsewhere.
Do not put his name on the
Do not put his name on the deed or the mortgage. See a lawyer about putting the house in a trust for your child. A lawyer can advise on how to structure the trust so even if SO gets use of the house after your death, there would be no way any part of the house or its proceeds would go to his kids.
It is a good idea to get a will in place before you marry as well. You want to protect your assets for your child and make sure none of them go to his kids in the even you die before he does.
If you have a child, you need
If you have a child, you need a will.
If you marry, or remarry, you should have a prenup so that the things you own before marriage cannot be touched by the skids. After your marriage redo your will, and he should redo his, so that the will reflects the prenup.