The PAS Runs Deeply In This One (Barf Alert)
Both Pumpkinhead (OSS 18.5) and Dominatrix (SD 15.5) posted a clip from Will Smith on Fresh Prince Of Bel Air. A diatribe against Will's non-existent father. And the Girhippo chimes in posting an avatar of a teary face. :barf: :barf:
If I showed that to Chef, he'd go ballistic! Validated that of COURSE the Gir still is and has for the last almost 11 years told all three skids that Chef is a deadbeat and a rotten bolter. And here Chef was worried about a couple hundred dollars in arrears--he'll have paid pretty much a half mil by the time Prince Hygiene (SS 12) becomes 21 (or later than that if the Gir can help it).
Makes no difference as I've told Chef time and again. The PAS has been imprinted pretty much for life.
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Tog....you got it right.
Tog....you got it right. Chef abandoned his kids long ago. I think over meat loaf. Of course they hate him.
Willow, you are off the mark
Willow, you are off the mark a tad. Chef's mistake was to be a guilty daddy and kiss their netherquarters every.single.weekend and weekdays for six long years while "not making waves with the BM."
When the BM overstepped her boundaries, he did nothing about it. When I suggested that he needs to attempt to parent and not just play Disney Dad, he got angry. He set a dangerous precedent by ALWAYS giving into his kids and actually yelling at me in front of his kids, so much so that they joined in.
The BM treated them like BFFs and adult confidants from day one. By the time Chef tried to institute boundaries it was too late. Yes, Chef should have parallel parented and said "this is the way we do it in our house." Of course this would have gotten him in a shitload of trouble as the Disney Girhippo WORKS for CPS. The second he tried to actual parent and teach his kids things like the value of work, the BM went into her "you have no right to parent these children as they are joined to me umbilically." And the phoney CPS report ensued.
And that's why Chef said to Prince Hygiene "come back when you have some manners" instead of TEACHING his kid manners, which would incur the wrath of the Girhippo and her mother. And that's why PH went back and told the Gir that we "threw him out for eating too slowly" (this is a kid that would swallow hot dogs whole and NeVeR chew)
And of course the BM bought it, never contacting Chef to get the real story. SUPER high conflict.
This isn't a case of PAS.
This isn't a case of PAS. The useless jerk tossed his own kids to the side. No wonder they don't want anything to do with him. You can't blame them for respecting/looking up to their stepdad. He stepped in and did the job their sorry ass dad refused to do.
Everything you post about this dude paints him as an awful mate and a poor excuse for a father. There has to be a special place in hell for this man.
Why do you stalk their social media pages? You don't have any contact with them so why worry about or care what they are doing?
"You don't have any contact
"You don't have any contact with them so why worry about or care what they are doing?"
Ever heard of the Sword of Damocles?
I agree that Chef was a
I agree that Chef was a shitty parent because he didn't parent. He went to all the games, activities, etc. that the Gir signed him up for the first six years.
OSS PASed out at stb 12 (similar to Tog's SS's age) and SD PASed out at age stb 11.
They were told from the ages of 7, 5 and toddler hood respectively that Dad pays for nothing and Mom pays for everything and that Dad was evil because mommy divorced him.
If that isn't PAS I don't know what is. These kids went on all the picnics, play dates, haunted hayrides, birthday parties, you name it, we went to every.event.under.the.sun. No way was Chef an "absentee father" and "deadbeat" like the BM made him out to be. He tried for six.long.years (albeit it the wrong way by not enforcing boundaries with both the BM and skids) to no avail and finally gave up. He never said "don't ever come back" either. He's had several reunification attempts since then.
I am definitely not
I am definitely not justifying Chef. I spoke with many people who said "just continue to pay an attorney, child chase and everything will be ok." Which was hard to do when he was making $13 an hour and paying $350 a week in non-arrears CS. He overpaid thinking it would give him more access to his children during weeknights and weekends.
IMHO Both parents totally should have been gelded at birth and have no business raising children as they are inherently selfish.
I see many blogs on here about DHs who continually child chase, make excuses for their offspring. From birth to well into their fifties. I don't believe in the expression "she/he is just a kid." I was raised with adult like responsibility from a very early age, well before age seven. I knew right from wrong right around toddlerhood as most children do.
Spitting semi chewed food out on the table, and saying "I'm not going to eat this; I wanna go back to Mom's where there is McDonalds" is not proper at age 17 months never mind age 7 years. Shitting all over another person's house and furniture on purpose is NOT appropriate for age 17 months never mind age 7.
As I have stated before, what *should* have been done was not done ("we have different rules at our house so please eat your food or you'll go to bed without supper" or "try a taste of it") Some think that would be abusive as well but we oldsters survived it.
Had he done that, he would have been called out on CPS charges like the first time for making his children do a tiny bit of yardwork along side of us (picking up twigs etc).
He did not set the precedent by having rules and chores from the onset because he wanted his kids to feel "comfortable" all the time so he spoiled them outrageously.
Girhippo is derived from Giraffe and Hippopotamus. She is extremely tall and wide. Not nearly as derogatory as some of the expressions I hear on this forum describing the BM
But the man IS evil. You
But the man IS evil. You have said you only stay with him because you're afraid he will kill you if you try to leave.
Just because he did the fun stuff for 6 years, doesn't mean he was a good father and isn't a sick, evil, dangerous man.
Yes, he has developed into an
Yes, he has developed into an alcoholic, but he was nice as pie around the BM and the skids. He never showed his "bad side" toward them. He's been a real ass with me. I'm pretty sure the BM would never had tolerated any sort of bad side from him.
He doesn't sound like a very
:jawdrop: He doesn't sound like a very sympathetic character if you stay for fear and he wrote off a SEVEN year old.
I'm not here to crucify you. But I'd really advise you to take BM out of your thoughts, as she is the least of your real concerns though she may serve as a good distraction, and take time to self reflect why you have settled for this as you surely deserve better and think of ways to exit safely.
(((( hugs ))))
Double post
Double post
All three skids also REFUSED
All three skids also REFUSED to come over as well and made up many excuses as to why they couldn't come over. I read most of your blogs and I could have written them word.for.word back between 2004 and 2009.
It wasn't that Chef just decided "I'll walk away now." During his reunification attempts he said they could come back but there would be some ground rules (day late and dollar short IMHO). Nope they REFUSED to come back. They would only come back on the BM's terms. i.e that he had NO parental authority, did whatever they wanted, bought them whatever they wanted and let them run wild as he had done in the past.
This is a case of a SEVERE alienating BM who told the kids every day that "dad is bad because he is no longer married to me" and the three kids parroted that to us constantly during their every weekend visitation.
I'm disheartened to think that you think I"m a "perma victim" Uh, no I've pulled myself up by my bootstraps more times than I can count in my almost 55 years of living. I'm proud of my job for someone with virtually no college. I raised my children to productive adulthood.
I should have told Chef to get the hell out the first day he arrived on my doorstep. But it's too late for that now.
It's never too late to put
It's never too late to put out the garbage.
The man beats you, rapes you, uses you financially, has you thinking he will kill you if you try to leave, has stuff on your property that could land you in jail....
Let's say BM did PAS the kids. Who can blame her? No one in their right mind would want kids around this loser.
Yes the BM DEFINITELY DID PAS
Yes the BM DEFINITELY DID PAS the kids. And Chef did not beat, rape, use the BM financially (she was a stay-in-bed mom) or did any of that because he was still in his "white picket fence" mode and was trying to make a GOOOOOOD impression on his MIL who he still idolizes to this day and be the peeerrrrfect daddy.
When he found out that the BM wasn't playing fair the second they split (she's a narcissist--look at her kid's grades--she blames them on the breakup that happened almost 11 years ago) Chef turned around and took it out on me when it was clear his kids would not come back because he started instituting RULES. He always thought I was "too harsh" with the kids (i.e. expect them to brush their teeth, wash their hands, flush, have manners)
It took him six years for him to start putting his hands on me.
Not uncommon from many of the blogs read here: BM gets away with murder, SM becomes the scapegoat. Not saying it was right. Not saying Chef is a good dad (he's totally DISNEY) BM is a BFF free-ranger. Neither should have children to raise.