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SD has sticky fingers

TheNotSoBonusMom's picture

We cannot get SD (9) to quit stealing. It always starts off with small things like food (Ik that's not that big of a deal, but with SD it becomes a snowball effect). Once she starts stealing more and more food that's when she starts stealing either from classmates or from us. Her stealing has spiked recently and it's starting to become even more alarming. Last week she stole one of my old phones and when she got caught with it, we explained that in order to use a phone it has to have cell service/WiFi and at this rate we'll never tell her the WiFi password if she keeps acting like this.. to which she responds with "how will I get the WiFi password if y'all die?" Got her back to the psychiatrist who put her on mood stabilizers. Well she has now started sneaking through the house in the middle of the night and last night stole scissors from the kitchen to cut up her clothes. We've done everything we know to do. Help!

Comments

tog redux's picture

If a 9-year-old is on a mood stabilizer, she's been diagnosed with significant mental illness. Does she have a therapist? He/she should be able to help you guys figure out how to manage this behavior. 

TheNotSoBonusMom's picture

She does talk therapy once every other week. Everything the therapist has suggested, we've already tried more than once. They're trying to say she has anxiety and/or depression, but bm has been diagnosed with multiple personality disorder, bipolar, and depression. But because of how young SD is, they won't even consider her to be either bipolar or multiple personality disorder. 

tog redux's picture

No, they can't diagnose her with those. And I'm guessing BM has personality disorders, not "multiple personality disorder" aka Dissociative Identity Disorder, because that's really rarely diagnosed.

She may need a higher level of care, but honestly, at least in my state, that's not easy to get, and it's not forever, either - she will be back in your home at some point.  The stealing could be trauma/deprivation/attachment based, but her prognosis is fairly poor. She will likely get worse.  

Thumper's picture

Can you explain more about the current custody arrangement? Is bm mostly ok? 

Is the sticky fingers ONLY in your home or does mom also have the same concerns?

I know you wrote taking food at school...my question is about moms home.

TheNotSoBonusMom's picture

It's not food at school she's taking. She's taking classmates objects. Toys that they bring to school. Bm was out of her life for 4 years due to meth and prison. Bm used to steal significantly. Unfortunately it's not only in our home. Bm doesn't have custody, but when we've gone to relatives homes, she has stolen from them as well (such as jewelry, make up, figurines, etc). 

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Seriously, protect any younger, smaller, or more meek children, and animals. 

TheNotSoBonusMom's picture

This actually sounds like what it could be! Bm was a stay at home mom with SD but she developed such horrible postpartum depression that bm would literally just lay around and dad would have to leave work to tend to infant sd. When sd got older, bm would literally let sd do whatever she wanted/eat whatever she wanted just so that sd would leave bm alone. SD watched bm leave when she was 3yrs old and I came into her life when she was barley turning 5. 
This actually makes really good sense! Thank you so much for this info! 
 

Do you have any personal experience with someone with RAD? If so, I may have a few more questions. 

Ispofacto's picture

Kinda.  Killjoy has RAD features, but her outward hostility is pointed squarely at me and mine only.  She is able to mostly conceal her crap in public.  Part of her problem was she was spoiled rotten.  She went after my granddaugher because she was jealous of her and has no conscience.  That's when I called it quits.

There are tons of chat boards for this, mostly from foster parents.

 

TheNotSoBonusMom's picture

That's how it started for me too. She focused her anger and everything solely on me and would only do it when no one else was around (which is why it was so hard to get people to believe me). SD puts up this image of her and once you no longer see that fake image she puts up, that's when she starts treating those people badly. SD was spoiled rotten too, to the point that when she came into my life she had to have most of her baby teeth pulled because bm and grandma gave her any and everything. That's what initially started our issues was I set rules and boundaries and this girl does not like to be told no. 

Ispofacto's picture

She's angry with her mother and she's displacing it onto you, because she can.  The risk of offending her mother is not an option.  She wants her mother to love her.

Bonding with you isn't possible, she needs to be loyal to mommy.  Maybe if you go away her mommy can come back.  If you stay, you have to be cool, calm, firm, and distant.  Disengage as much as possible, lock up your things, and put an alarm on the baby's door.  Install cameras.

 

justmakingthebest's picture

I agree with Ispofacto- this is more than you signed up for.

I would be talking to insurance and seeing about a residential treatment center NOW. If your DH needs to work 3 jobs to send her to a therapeutic boarding school, so be it. She needs more help than a weekly talk therapy session and her parents can give. 

AgedOut's picture

the things she's doing now are not expected, they need addressing and she needs more than talk therapy.

TheNotSoBonusMom's picture

I completely agree with you! It has taken a long time, but people are finally listening to me. (It never sounds good when the adult is trying to show people that a 5yr old isn't mentally stable) I've noticed since she was 5 something wasn't right and everyone would look at me like I was crazy. But after 4 years and lots of documentation/video recordings, people are finally listening and opening their eyes. 

CloudCuckooLand's picture

Sounds like attachment trauma to me, is her therapist specifically trained, skilled and experienced in treating this? If not, everything else you try is going to be an epic fail. 

TheNotSoBonusMom's picture

Honestly I'm not sure. She has another therapy session in two weeks so I'm going to bring it up to her about the possibility of her having RAD. When someone else on here commented above and informed me of RAD and I started looking further into it, it all makes sense. So that's our next step. I definitely agree it is something attachment based and as of right now there is nothing the therapist has suggested that I haven't already tried. So we're at a loss with the therapist.