I wouldn't argue. Just let DH handle it. One thing I have learned from disengagement is "not my kid, not my problem". It's heaven.

Hang in there

girl - it's got nothing to do with you, if SS acts out ignore it, unless he hurts the dog, then you address that issue, saying.. SS if you hurt my dog again I will whip your ass understood. (report you to spca for animal cruelty what ever)

If DH and OSS is busy with something and YSS tries to get in between... ignore it Hon, OSS will loose it and wack his brother or DH will tell him get lost... simply ignore it, turn your back on them, go outside, do something in the garden... go and play with your vibrator if you have nothing else to do... this is where knitting comes in handy, you simply keep yourself busy knitting a blanket or what ever...

Regarding the food, once again not your kids and not your problem, make sure there's no junk food in the house, or DH buys it from his money, not the joined house hold money... if they are hungry the can eat what ever you prepared, or they do not have to eat... again who are they spiting by not eating? Not you....

You have to step back and chill woman, your husband is an adult and he can vend for himself... let YSS behavior bother him, not you...

It affects you because you're in it.

Don't leave every time he starts to act up - just do something else. Ask him if he's jealous that dad isn't making him the focus of his attention at the moment... lol Put on some music with earphones, grab a book, and relax.

Limit the amount of junk. Have small decent snacks in fridge (fruits, veggies n low fat dip) baggies of pretzels or popped popcorn (unbuttered) they can grab and snack.

The kids can't eat what is not available readily for them to stuff in their faces...so keep the store bought junk (cookies, cakes, chips whatever) in their bedroom closet in a Rubbermaid tub with a lock on the door. Dad or you hand out the 'treat'. Trust me, they won't starve in-between. Start whining they are hungry? Remind them of their approved and ready for them snacks.

I wouldn't fight with them over dinner. Peanut butter sandwich or what's put on their plate (your dinner). One or the other, eat it or not.

I'm sure the boys really think they are being starved and being mistreated. They live with a parent (BM) who has totally different ideas of food and meals. You're waging a losing battle if you think they will just up and decide your food and way of a meal is superior than their mother. But what can happen, is they can learn to accept and tolerate your food and way during their stays in your home. If they get tired of eating PB sandwiches the day may come they actually may try that 'yucky' crap you call dinner on your plate.

If the game system is a fighting point in your home, unplug it. Dad can play a board game with the kids or put in a kid friendly family movie. And if the boys are being real little turds, declare bedtime and send them to their rooms. They can read a book in bed until real bedtime.

If someone were pestering my dog and acting up in my home, I would handle it myself if I had to, and that would NOT be by leaving my home. Your SS knows your husband is not going to do anything about his behavior so he needs to know that you will.

My DH was good about disciplining his daughter but sometimes it took awhile for something to bother him, he's pretty laid back, so I would step in and tell SD to knock it off or whatever the case was. I did not yell but was stern and she knew I meant business. However, she was raised to respect adults, so....

When your step kids get truly hungry, they will eat and they will eat what is there. Wanting junk food all of the time is not hunger.

We have skids about 36% of the time, so there's a constant in and out at my house, but I know what you mean about the food stuff, tank!

Last night, I was trying to plan meals for the rest of the week, knowing that the skids are coming tonight. They'll arrive around 6:30, and usually they've eaten by then, but not always, and even when they've eaten, they're often still hungry, but not always. So on transition nights we have to make well more than enough for the three of us, knowing that the extra may go to waste. I will not allow them to come in and raid my pantry, which is their strong preference. SS only wants to drink his calories (i.e. applesauce, yogurt, etc. Think no chewing.) and SD only wants food in bar form (granola, fruit, whatever, as long as it's processed into a bar.

Cooking for them is challenging, too. Well, mostly for SS. He doesn't like anything that has to be eaten with his hands, anything that's too warm (the kid's almost 8, btw), and if he doesn't like the food, he will take FOREVER to eat (if not limited, it could take an hour or more) and/or VOMIT at the damned table. Even when he is eating, he gets up from the table at least twice each meal--once to use the restroom (only after we've started eating) and the other to do something else, which could be anything from another trip to the bathroom to getting another drink to I don't know what.

So what will we be having this weekend? Why, chicken thighs on the bone, of course! SS will make a production, which I will expect and therefore be amused by.

And DH will clean up any vomit. LOL

It's helpful to know ages because some of this could be normal behavior for the age.

stop buying the junk food
continue your normal grocery shopping
junk food is a waste
if they want junk-they can push a mower for a few bucks
and earn their junk food like i did as a teenager
BY WORKING

And if they cry to BM-tell her you don't buy junk food
nor do you cater to mini assholes.
sorry kids dont get a say in how the parents run the house

if she's so concerned-BM can provide junk food for your house

Food issues:

Not sure how they could go through a weeks worth of snacks unless they were allowed free range access. I know some people want kids to be able to help themselves to food, but at those ages, my SD's were required to as permission to get anything to eat or drink (beyond water..lol). It allowed us to monitor what they ate and when. Even when older, they were shown what food was available for them to eat... so that they didnt' inadvertently eat something that was supposed to be part of a meal later.

Attention Behavior:

First, you aren't likely to get a bio dad to agree at how horrible his son is. Trying to point out his flaws etc.. All you are doing is putting him in daddy defense mode.
Second, it isn't all that out of the ordinary for a younger sibling to try to compete and act up/out to get attention. This is especially true when he doesn't see his dad all the time. Also this would be more likely due to the ADHD issues you have already blogged about. The kid has poor impulse control. The kid is immature.
Third, it may just be part of his personality too. My YSD 19 is a bit like that. She is an absolute joy to be around when it is just me and her dad. But, you start throwing others into the mix and her "sassy" personality comes out. She just can't help but say and do things that are clearly attempts of getting the attention on her. It has gotten better as she has aged... but I still see it a bit.

So, while you may not 100% be able to change the way the kids behave, you CAN react differently. You could choose to redirect YSS and maybe engage him in something with you.. so he wouldn't be able to act up to get dad's attention. You could simply take your dog on a walk, or go take a bubble bath... or any number of things. If your DH doesn't see it and doesn't care to parent, then you will have to figure out how to live with it.

Are they old enough to cook? If so you and your husband could get them to help prepare dinner or even make dinner for you all once they know the basics. They could try to recreate their favorite take out dishes at home. That might give them some ownership over dinner and encourage them to be a bit more adventurous.

We have the same food problems with SD15 and SD12. We have tried to set rules regarding what types of snacks they are allowed to eat. We keep plenty of fruit available 24/7. They still sneak into the kitchen and steal junk food and things they are not allowed to have.

Tank, I have been through the same thing. PrincASS and PigPen would be at our house for the weekend and I would make delicious, home-cooked meals. DH was in heaven. PA and PP were NOT. Why? Because BioHo feeds her kids and husband a steady diet of fast food, premade chemical-laden frozen stuff, and junk food.

The day PrincASS said that frozen lasagna was better than homemade what the day I quit cooking and quit caring. I promptly put away the rest of the lasagna over PA's protests, "It's NOT BAD. I'll eat it!" Me: "Oh, NO!! I would never force you to eat food you don't like."

That was the last time I cooked for the skids. DH buys them fast food or pizza or makes the frozen crap they like. I cook for myself: steak, shrimp scampi, stir fry... The kitchen smells wonderful!!