Learning to just let go
I constantly find myself counting days on the calendar or looking ahead to holidays and figuring how many of SD's winter break days she will be with us and so on. I am in a consistently anxious state about it. How can I learn to just LET GO and take it as it comes? I can't stand that I obsess about this. DH and BM recently signed off on a new agreement so I know pretty much now what it will be like on a week to week basis, but there are of course the upcoming holidays that I was configuring on the calendar this morning. I wish I just didn't care one way or the other. SD really isn't terrible..I am lucky in that. I've known her since she was very small and she respects me and I believe she loves me too. It's not all that bad when she is with us...annoying at times but really not bad. Of course I enjoy our time alone more though. What Step Mom doesn't right? I hope that one day I won't be stressing about this nonsense!!!
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What exactly are you fretting
What exactly are you fretting over?
I wish I knew really. I guess
I wish I knew really. I guess just the idea of our household centering around SD when she is with us? What we eat, where we go? Whether or not I can truly enjoy myself? If we have to cancel plans with friends or forego that shopping trip I wanted to make on Black Friday? Just the different dynamic when SD is with us as opposed to when not.
Is compromise possible? For
Is compromise possible? For instance, could you do your Black Friday trip alone? Or, maybe instead of a group friend gathering you and the other female friend could hit Black Friday together? Can you schedule things during that week that you enjoy and make those things just as much of a priority to accomplish as tending to the others? I think we SM's tend to expect a lot of ourselves and put everyone else first in attempt to please everyone. This is a mistake, and we grow to resent it over time. We must protect our interests just as much as we fight for the interests of others. I think if you can prioritize yourself in little ways you might find the visits much more enjoyable. Would that be possible?
Oh goodness, I know the
Oh goodness, I know the feeling! and we have BS10mo together so its not like we have to 'play' parents when shes here and we're a fun couple when shes not.
Our house too centers around SD4, what dinner should would eat, if its too late to do something, if it worth the hassle of taking both the kids somewhere.
And often I do my own thing, or take BS with me to do our own thing.. but Ive really learned that isnt the best solution. As much as I cant stand being here when she is, being absent is only teaching her that she doesnt have to 'share' her father, with me or BS.
She now expects me to be gone (I work the weekends shes here), and expects her and FDH to be able to do whatever she wants the second I come home from work and am there to be with BS.
Ive given up on planning fun events for both of the kids, because its never good enough for her and shes always extra disobedient when we get home.
I too wonder when Ill get over it, because I know EOW isnt a lot, but its a lot of time to be irritated about it before it happens, during and after!
I know what your saying. I do
I know what your saying. I do the same thing. For me its a bit different. She is disrespectful with me and can put me in a funk in a matter of minutes. I think we think ahead and fear that our day or special time will be ruined. I know thats how it is for me because she is so attention starved for Dads attention. I want to have her around because its important to him but then when she is here and acting like a disney drama queen I then cant wait for her to go.
Good luck with that. I
Good luck with that. I thought all was right in my world when SS went into the military...but now I am stressing about the 2 week long, visit that is coming up. It will be his first visit home since entering.
So it will be two weeks of listening to DH and SS talk about how great SS is and how he is saving the country for everyone and no one is as good as SS because he went into the military. Bleck! For 2 weeks SS will not let anyone else talk about themselves. Nor will DH
Don’t’ get me wrong. I am very grateful for our military and they do deserve respect. BUT…no more than the next guy. AND…just because you are in the military, it does not mean you are now gods gift to EVERYONE because of it.
YAY!! Can’t wait! NOT.
In your case, I'm hoping that
In your case, I'm hoping that SS has had a new mindset instilled courtesy of our fine military. I've seen parent's shocked at the difference of returning children who were totally irresponsible and lacked any resemblance of honor when they went in. The military deconstructs attitudes quickly, then painstakingly rebuilds the individual's character. They are masters at seeing weakness and ridding their soldiers of it. They have to in order to keep them alive. I really hope you see a new person during this next visit.
I hear you. DH is so
I hear you. DH is so "easygoing" with kid time that we basically just wait and see whatever BM wants to do about everything. I am a big planner and I hate not knowing when we will and when we won't have them. They aren't terrible kids either, but it's just so stressful when they are home. The house gets so loud, the whining is constant, the demands and cries for "daddydaddydaddy" are endless...I'm stressing myself out just thinking about it! I am convinced that this weekend's visit will turn into a weeklong stay, minus Thanksgiving day of course since they are BM's meal ticket to her parents' house, and I won't know anything until Sunday evening. Ugh.
We have every other week, and
We have every other week, and every other major Holiday. Easy enough to put them into my calendar on the computer and sync it to both of our laptops and phones. I always check the calendar before making plans, to see if it's a skid day or not. I wouldn't say a I really stress on it (probably because our days are known ahead of time), but I do always plan around it.
Its the constant state of
Its the constant state of unpredictability. You are a planner aren't you? You thrive on structure and orderliness throughout the day. Chaos sucks! Unpredictability sucks!
Take a step back, realize these things are all going to happen AROUND YOU but not TO YOU. Its very hard for me as well. I started telling myself, I already know what I am doing tonight (or this weekend) regardless of what is going on with the skids. Don't plan around them, plan for yourself and take these skid visits and time to do things by yourself. Then if they want to make plans with you, set up an activity or time to do it.
I used to sound just like you. Its because you have to realize that you are on no one else's time but your own.