I'm not sure where to begin. My SD10 and SD6 live with me and DH is primary custodian. I also have a BD14 who lives with us 100% of the time. Problem? For the past 3 years I feel as though I've been catering to my SD's and my BD is missing out. They have an abusive BM but I'm starting to notice more (now that they are older) it seems they are "playing" both sides of the parenting fence. I know it's typical in many divorced situations but I guess I thought our family was different because we have them the majority of the time. The BM only calls once every 2 weeks or so and it's not been a nice experience when she does decide to come around. She's threatened me and DH, police have been involved, overall nasty experience that was finally starting to settle down a little and the drama was getting to be less frequent. Until this weekend...

Part of why we live in my neighborhood is the security. We have a security gate and yes, BM's name is on it as NOT TO ENTER. Their legal dropoff and pickup location is in a neutral location with many people around. I know there are ways into my neighborhood and no guarantees. But it makes me feel a little more safe, you know? Anyway...SD10 was invited to a sleepover (IN OUR NEIGHBORHOOD). Problem - it was on BM's weekend. I know a sleepover is important to a 10 year old. But this same friend has invited her over at least 10 other times to which she declined. Why the insistance this time? Well, DH told SD10 that she'd have to miss this one. Explained how we didn't want BM in our neighborhood and we'd make it up to her. This same SD10 cried and cried because it was her 1st weekend back on EOW visitation with her BM and she doesn't like going with her. Truth or fiction? Now I don't know if she really means that or if she's playing both parents.

What does SD10 do? Tells BM an elaborate story about how DH and I think BM's going to break into our house and aren't we stupid and shouldn't she (SD10) be able to go to the sleepover?? Somehow this turns into several nasty "F/U messages" from BM and "she's going to call the police on the MRS (me) for abuse if SD10 is punished in any way for this." Ok, WHAT? I've NEVER disciplined her children even though they live with me. Time-out or no TV is the most I'll even contribute and if DH is home, he has to do it.

Should I be upset?? I guess I feel like I've done so much to try and "save" these girls from their abusive mom. Hell, I am the only "mom-like figure" they know. BM spanks to the point of bruising, takes them out and gets drunk then drives with them...the list goes on and on. AND she only has them EOW. Now I feel like I've officially been thrown under the bus by SD's. DH feels that way too. Meanwhile all my documenting, discussions with SD's, taking care of them etc...is taking time away from my BD who also needs me. Yes, I'm there for BD. But I feel like I should be there more. And now I'm not sure what's real and what's not. I know BM is abusive sometimes. But is this a game to SD's or just a survival technique? No matter what DH and I do they listen more to BM even though she's rarely around.

As a custodial stepmom what should I do? Detach a little so I don't become so emotionally involved and hurt??? Yes I love them but am I too involved?? Help please.