Just had to open my big mouth
Saturday night we went to a concert with another couple. My SO isn't into this singer (he's my favorite), but he humors me and it's a fun night out. We get a hotel, do dinner, drinks...we both look forward to it and were having fun.
And then I went and opened my big mouth, because, skids.
My SO has tunnel vision when it comes to his phone. It can be really annoying. He can't hear what people are saying when he's on it, and he doesn't realize how rude it is. I'm on my phone sometimes too...the difference is I can multi-task and listen when people say something to me. He was distracted by FB at the concert, then he took a video, and right away sent it to someone. I happened to see he sent it to SS12. Sigh. SS does not give 2 shits about this concert, and doesn't even know who the singer is. I had flashbacks of past concerts/events we've gone to where my SO will take a video instead of paying attention to the concert, and then will spend the next 20 minutes trying to get the message to go through (we have crap cell service). Literally focused entirely on his phone, not even watching the concert. I was afraid he would do that here too, and honestly just the need to always send SS something when we're somewhere is exhausting. I was thinking about all of this, but said, You sent that to SS? He doesn't care about this concert!
My SO frowned, but instead of getting mad, a minute later he calmly explained his reasoning for sending it- his first concert was at age 37 (with me), and he had never done almost anything prior to that. Throughout his marriage to Crazy, they didn't do anything. It's actually quite sad, I had never met someone so sheltered when I met my SO. We do everything now. He said he never really knew what he was missing, and when he was young his parents didn't take him to concerts or anything (um, me either!), and he wants to show SS that there are all of these cool things out there that hopefully he will want to do someday. Ok. While I can't relate to that, I can understand to a point. It's a nice sentiment. I just hate when he gets obsessive about it. So I tried to explain my opinion on it instead of just shutting the eff up, which turned into a debate about who was on their phone more and how SS will get to do all this stuff when he's older and I wish he would just focus on being with me, him not understanding my issue with sending a 30 second video, and ended in a full-on fight. The night was pretty much ruined, despite me trying to salvage it by talking to him. What made him the most mad is that I didn't say anything until I saw he sent a message to SS, and that my issue is with him messaging SS. It's not that simple, but his defensive dad came out and there was no turning back.
The next day we talked about it, and I apologized for even making the comment- it wasn't necessary and no good was going to come from it anyway. It certainly wasn't worth ruining the night for. He said between my issues with how he parents skids, and the constant harassment he gets from Crazy regarding how he parents, he feels overwhelmed and like he can't win. I get that, but also, he spawned children with a crazy person, so... I told him that step-life is really, really, hard, and I can't seem to handle things just the right way either. He wants me to care, but apparently only about certain things at certain times, because half the time he's mad when I pipe up. He admitted that sometimes he gets irritated at me for things when he can tell I have the best interests of skids at heart (like letting SD eat 3 candy bars before noon) and he knows that isn't right.
I wish I could just let some of this stuff slide off my back, especially in this case. I felt bad because it ruined an otherwise fun night.
Literally as we were having this conversation, he got a message from Crazy yelling at him for taking SD9 on roller-coasters last wknd, saying the Dr. says she can't go on roller-coasters because of her medical issue (pretty sure that's not true), and that my SO is going to kill SD. Then she said "Step-girlfriend thinks she's friends with all the cops around here and you think that's going to help you when we go to court for custody (spoiler alert, this means she's going to file for 50/50 custody in August), and that's the only reason you keep Step-girlfriend around". LOL! First of all, I don't even know the cops in our area. I know cops in the neighboring County, but not ours. And even if I did, none of that helps in a custody case. She is obviously too dumb to realize this, but fine, write more nonsense on the Family Wizard, I'm sure that will really help your case. Dumb box.
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No I get this feeling though.
No I get this feeling though...the sinking feeling that your DH can never fully be "with" you because they're always thinking of the effing skids.
I felt this way when DH and I talked about getting a dog and, literally 5 seconds later, YSD texts: "You're getting a dog??!!" Like I can't enjoy the thought for even a full minute before DH has to make it about her, too. Or when I do TNR on 3 feral cats and start feeding them...when I found them as kittens DH invited OSD over immeditately...and then he tells YSD that we've named them OSD, SS, and YSD...which wasn't remotely true. But...yeah. That gets taken away, too. Or when we land a good job and DH immediately wants to invite SS and YSD to work with us, regardless of qualifications. Or when we were discussing our future plans for rental properties and DH suggested building 3 cabins and naming them after the 3 skids so that "they'd always know they had a place with us..."
I mean...at what point do we get to have things, pets, experiences, etc. that are just for us? I think that sometimes it's OK to want some things that are just for the two of you...not to be shared with SS. I don't think that makes you a bad or selfish person. I think it's quite normal.
I just can't with the naming
I just can't with the naming things after skids. Your DH really takes the cake with this. Super unattractive. I remembered the cabin thing, but not the cats! I rescued 3 kittens off the streets too. I will give my SO credit, had skids suggested naming them after themselves even once, my SO would have said, absolutely NOT.
But yes, I would just like to have things for us, especially when it seems that he's doing it for no real reason other than to contact SS. I'm assuming you were better at biting your tongue than me in these scenarios?
I'm so glad your DH eased up on some of that nonsense...or maybe more accurately, that skids grew up.
I named
My robotic vacuum cleaners after my skids
(No subject)
Totally this. I try to
Totally this. I try to compare it sometimes with how I am with my own DS who is not his to see if I'm being reasonable and alot of times it is not things I would do with DS. It seems to stem more from guilty daddy. For instance when we were discussing this topic once he asked if I felt guilty for going on a trip for our anniversary without DS (we brought YDS because he was too young to be overnight without me yet and fully breastfed) and he obviously thought I was going to say yes. I honestly didnt, DS was having fun staying at grandma's during the trip and it was an anniversary trip. When YDS is older he wont be coming with for it either. He apparently did feel guilty for SD not being included even though she goes to where we went for the trip with her mom a couple times a year anyway.
I think that's what makes
I think that's what makes step-life hard - they want to share everything with their kids (as you might if they were your kids too). In an intact family, all of this stuff probably would be shared, but it's intensified for them by the divorce and not having the kids with you all the time. Meanwhile, the new SO wants a separate life with them.
On another note, BM here used to tell SS that DH was using me for this, that and the other. Over 9 years later, I wonder what she now tells him he's using me for?
Exactly. And really, there
Exactly. And really, there are some underlying feelings of...competition, maybe? I don't know if that's the word. We just want to feel like it's just about us sometimes. I actually said to him, do you think everyone else here is sending videos to their kids? Do you think our friends that are with us (intact family) are sending videos to their kids? He said, are they divorced?
AHA! And there it is. I said, why does that matter?? I mean, he sees them all but 8 days a month- it's not exactly like he's missing out on them growing up. The other thing is, send the damn video when we get home, if you must send it. SS doesn't need it right at that moment.
I will say - my DH never one
I will say - my DH never one time sent SS a video of a concert we went to. SS would have been like, "WTF? Why do I care?"
We did name the dog something related to SS's name, but that was OK with me, it's cute.
He's still a father, like the other guy
By that logic he should be sending BM the video, not his son.
He didn't stop being a father, he stopped being BMs husband when he got divorced.
Yep the Girhippo said the same.exact.thing
they all read from the same playbook. And she would also insinuate that Chef and I were endangering the life/welfare of the skids (if only :bad:)
Then Chef would break out with his "I CAN'T PLEASE EVERYONE; I JUST WANT EVERYONE TO GET ALOOOOOOONG; I'M CAUGHT IN THE MIIIIIIIIDDDDDDLLLLLLLLEEEE!!!!!" blah blah blah
No you shouldn't be trying to please everyone; you should be pleasing ME your NON-EX WIFE and everything else will take it's place.
Why can't they figure out
Why can't they figure out that if they make us happy, their lives are much easier?? Has no one heard of the phrase "happy wife, happy life"? There's a reason this is a saying!
That was rude for your DH to
That was rude for your DH to stay on his phone during the concert. It's rude to other folks around too. That's a pet peeve of mine when I see facebooking and texting in the dark movie theater. So distracting!
He sounds like he's guilty for enjoying himself without his DD around. If he has a fun moment away from DD he's programmed to feel guilt, probably by years of BM guilt tripping plus society's expectation that if you don't put kids first always, you're a crap parent?
^good point. That's what it
^good point. That's what it is with my DH, BM and GBM and MIL all act like hes an absolutely terrible parent if he doesnt revolve his entire life around SD. And it's usually things that are actually for them but they twist it to be "for SD."
Honestly, too...it doesn't
Honestly, too...it doesn't matter WHO he is sending this video to. It's universally considered rude to ignore the person you're with to communicate with someone who isn't there. Everyone knows that...though a lot of people do break the rule. If he wanted to send the video...it could easily have happened after the concert was over when he was back home/at the hotel and getting ready for bed. When my DH has done crap like this...it's also the urgency/immediacy of it that angers me so much. Like he can't be in the moment with me...he has to be looping the kids in on something that doesn't even involve them. Super, super obnoxious.
Just send your DH any of these many articles on cell phone etiquette:
https://www.google.com/search?q=smartphone+etiquette&rlz=1CATAAC_enUS744...
Yep, like the message to SS
Yep, like the message to SS just HAS to go through right then. I was busted when he said I do the same though, because, yep, I send things to people too. I can see the double-standard. The difference is, he is on his phone a lot when we go out (dinner, wherever), and I only occasionally send a pic or 10 second video to my brother or SIL. I don't sit on my phone when we're out. I think it wouldn't even be a big deal if a) SS cared about the video, b) my SO were capable of focusing on more than one thing at once so could send a message/video without being completely engulfed in it, and c) he didn't feel the need to send SS a video from every concert we go to, and waste 20 mins focusing on it when it hasn't gone through in the past. I even told my SO, if this singer played a song that SS loved, I get that, send it! But he doesn't even know these bands!
I did make a note to self to be more conscious of my own cellphone use. I don't want to be a hypocrite.
Gah. I am so sick of fighting about skid stuff. It's exhausting.
This Past Christmas
We had seats in the middle of the row down in front for a Philharmonic Christmas Concert and Chef got an emergency no-heat call/text. It was hard for him to just walk past about 12 people to get to the aisle. There wasn't really a good choice of tickets either to select that you wanted to sit on the end of an aisle they just gave out a choice of sections.
The house lights were very low and Chef ended up wrapping his phone in his overcoat while trying to surreptitiously text the person about the emergency call.
Maybe crazy wasn’t not that crazy
For not doing anything with your DH. He can not behave and enjoy himself out in public. He really thinks you are going to do thing with SS. That will make it a three ring circus. DH texting SS sitting next to him. SS texting crazy, SS texting your DH sitting next to him. Not a place I would want to be
We’ve had HUGE cell phone
We’ve had HUGE cell phone issues too, and at one point we both agreed to leave our phones in the car when we were out together. I don’t care how much he talks to his kids, what he sends them, etc. But I do care that he so easily sets me aside. And that’s the way I explained it to him. I have been prepared to leave events when DH demonstrates that something else is more important than being with me
Funny about the names. DH and I got a new puppy a few years ago. His kids objected. And one of them even objected to the name we chose for the pup. It was one of the very few times I saw DH stand up to them—“I don’t need your permission or approval to handle my own life.” Sure, he’ll defend the dog...
That really is the main issue
That really is the main issue, not so much that it’s SS (even though it irks me because I am 100% sure SS doesn’t care), but spending soo much time on his GD phone, and then sending it to someone who doesn’t even care!
Take this for what it's worth
Take this for what it's worth... might help might not... worked for me.
When DH used to tell SS EVERYTHING and I mean EVERY LITTLE THING about what we were doing, what we'd done, etc... anything that had to do with out plans,or would take time out from a couples thing to send something to BM for SS or something... I would get enraged.
He used to call me jealous that he'd share with his son.
When I did get through to DH about it, it was because I told him that I don't care if he shares things with his son... but not to do it in a way that includes him in our marriage - I signed up for him having a child, not for that child to make our marriage a threesome... and that just because him and I do things as a married couple, doesn't mean his child gets to be "in the know" about it...
I told him - if it's not a detail that you'd share with MY kid, then it's not a detail you should be sharing with YOURS.
And a couple comments here and there when he'd forget... like "I don't understand what business your 5 year old has to know about XYZ...can you help me understand?"
DH and I haven't had so much as a harsh discussion in such a long time that I almost forget what it's like
Things just for us...
This has been one of my major issues with my DH...finding time to do things just for us. I get it, he doesn't see his kids as much as he would like, but that doesn't mean that everything we do has to revolve around his children or that he has to act like he can't enjoy spending time with me because he wishes his children were with us or BM or his family tries to make him feel bad that he is doing things without his children. Life doesn't stop when they leave our house and it doesn't begin when they enter.
Even on our honeymoon, DH couldn't stop talking about how he wanted to take SSs on the same trip someday. I know he feels guilty, but c'mon, it's our honeymoon! I also pointed out to him that when he and BM were still married, they went on a trip without SSs and everyone thought it was wonderful. Why are we evil for going on a trip without SSs, as if they are somehow missing out? Married parents do things without their kids all the time and no one gives them side-eye, so the same should be true for a married couple, in which one of part of the couple is a parent. I shouldn't have to let SSs tag along just because their dad is divorced from their mom. BM goes away all the time with her husband and I don't hear the kids or DH's family complaining about that.
My DH will also complain about how he's stuck in the middle and just trying to make everyone happy, but that doesn't mean "equal treatment" or that he has to ensure that if he does something with me then he has to do something with the kids. I tell him all the time that he's putting me in the place of being his third child and that's not okay.
In my case, I was very clear with DH from the start that for me to be happy, I needed us to have things in our lives that were not all about SSs. I'm happily childfree and I gave up a lot (e.g. freedom, travel, living in a city (as opposed to the suburbs), going out to non-kid friendly places, etc) to become DH's life partner, so he can give me some time and space where I don't always have to accommodate his children.
I wish there was some way to require that divorced parents not be allowed to remarry unless they can prove that both they and their families have moved on from feeling guilty over the divorce. My DH swears up and down that he no longer has any guilt over his divorce, but his actions show otherwise. A current wife shouldn't be expected to manage all that baggage that comes when families have not moved on.