underlying unseen disabilities that cause us to reject our skid subconsciously?
It dawned on me last evening while DH and SS16 were in the kitchen making supper, I had just got home from working all day, they were chattering in the kitchen, that I have never once had a full conversation with ss16. Never once in 4.5 years have I heard directed at me more then about 3 consecutive words other then grunts.
I sit with my boys all the time and carry on whole conversations that sometimes last anywhere from 5 minutes to two hours. Last night I sat with my bios and we talked for half an hour before bed. Ss16 talks only to his dad and then it's mostly his dad talking and him agreeing or repeating things. When he was 12 when I first met him he had terrible what I would call echolalia, it's when a kid just says what the other person says. He was always just saying what his dad said and hanging upside down in the couch trying to be cute.
My youngest son did that with my older son for a couple years when they were tiny. It's an autistic trait and my youngest has high functioning aspergers. Ss16's been diagnosed with something else but I am now wondering if he might have some underlying things going on and that might also be why it is so hard for me to like this kid.
Thoughts anyone? Do any of you smoms have ssons who have slight disabilities that may or may not be causing all your frustrations? I'm just curious. I have 2 bios who are disabled so I am not new to this and you'd think I'd have the patience of a super mom with this, but I simply do not have patience with ss16. I know he feels my rejection b/c I cannot stand him, and that is why he does not trust me enough to talk to me. I WISH I could remedy this b/c there is nothing worse then walking around your own house like on egg shells but that is how it is around here. I just cannot wait for the day he moves out.
Now I am sounding selfish and whiny again. Oops.
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Depending on the child, the
Depending on the child, the grammar could get better. SD17 could not pronounce the word 'ask' to save her life until she was at least 14. It was, "Can I ax you sumpin'?" I got on her ass continually for a few years.
Honestly, I think it was her growing interest in reading that finally improved her vocabulary. Books were something BM would NOT do, and SD17 could stay under the NPD radar a little easier if she was holed up in her room with a book.
My oldest10 has aspergers, my
My oldest10 has aspergers, my sos youngest has nospdd, basically on the spectrum. I think as parents with bios with disabilities we have biology that holds us to our children when they arent capable of having a typical relationship with us, when our skid isnt able to communicate with us or have any relationship with us, it makes it that much more difficult to bond with them. I know that I was more patient with my bio, and that sds autistic behaviors are much more frustrating to me. I try to stand back and not worry about her or the things she services or supports she should be getting. If I get in the middle, change is my fault. So I mainly support and talk with my so and find other things to do when im feeling frustrated. I know that im not responsible for her, and that it is normal for me to feel like I do. I care about her and want her to be healthy and safe, I just have no control, I look at her like she is the child of a friend who I have to babysit for a few days a month.
Well I have been babysitting
Well I have been babysitting ss16 for nearly 5 years now 24/7 and at times I just want him to move out. I know that sounds nasty. My dd20 is severely disabled and at age 13 my xh and I made the decision to have her put into an institution. Most of you will gasp at that but she was very physically volatile and at first she directed her angry episodes at me, but then when she began directing her episodes at my youngest son who is now 15 but at the time was 8, we had to make the hard choice to have her moved out of the home for the protection of my boys and also myself. I never went a day for years with out new bruises, we had behavioral specialists come into our home, respite care and so on, and nothing worked, not even medications at first. Now she is in her own house with 2 room mates on meds and doing fabulously. Anyhow, I just feel like I did my time with her and now with my youngest, and just don't have any more inside of me to give to ss16. So I basically ignore the fact that he exists which is so sad but DH gives him everything. In DH's eyes he is the golden child so no worries about him being neglected!
I think it definitely occurs
I think it definitely occurs and I'm curious to see if there's a biological component to it. Human beings are probably the only animals who make an effort to raise offspring with mental ( and physical) disabilities and we are probably the only ones among group animals who try to assimilate them into our society, hence the moral and values component of our mental make up.
I also noticed that during pregnancy, I seemed to have an irritated response or annoyed apprehension and even occasionally fear towards people I met who had mental disabilities (which is kind of difficult as we have a lot of mental institution patients wandering our neighborhood who were let out in the early 90's when the hospital shut down) even though I had absolutely no problem with them before and were friendly with most of them--after I gave birth I turned back to the way I was before.
So I can see it being a very real possibility. Among other social animals like dogs and wolves, if a member of their species acts "strange", they often either shun or fight with them if they choose to persist in contact. I had the opportunity to witness this in a dog pack on my parents farm where one dog, even though he was raised with all these other dogs, was not speaking proper "dog" language--as in he had no problem picking fights with female dogs or puppies (which normal acting dogs will usually not do) and wasn't exhibiting the right body language cues. The entire pack ended up "exiling" and would attack him on sight if he came near them, they had to send him to another farm so they wouldn't kill him since it was escalating.
Who knows. I just thought this was an interesting question.