what happens when you put your kid on a pedestal?
Everyone else wants to tear them down right? It's almost human nature to despise someone when they're talked about like there is nothing wrong with them, we don't have to worry about them, at least he/she is doing well, etc.
These are some of the things DH says about ss16, and as a result I resent the brat. I brought it up with DH this morning after bs15's school called with issues with him in class. Slowly the conversation goes round to "well, at least we don't need to worry about ss16, he's got 4 As and 2 Bs..." (he says this after I point out that ALL kids would have 4 As and 2 Bs if they were coddled along like ss16, but DH doesn't hear it and he doesn't get it. I even out right said that the reason why we all dislike ss16 is b/c he puts him on a pedestal and treats him like the god child.
I am so frustrated by this right now that it has ruined my whole day. DH cannot understand how his treatment of ss16 makes me resent and hate him. He thinks it's all my fault. Even bs18 said a couple days ago, "ss16 is actually a nice guy, except his dad acts like he's the golden child and that makes me want to take him out and pound his smirky little face into a pulp". Yea, that came from my son.
So this morning we had a HUGE fight about kids again. DH says he cares and wants all our kids to succeed. Oh Then after all that he says well is it wrong to be proud of my own son? Good question. No it's not, I am proud of my kids too but every time I mention something great about them you slam them down below ss16.
I am not sure how to handle this in the coming months but I do know that since ss20 is leaving this next week it's going to be easier b/c ss20 also puts ss16 up there. I just want my kids back and to enjoy them for the holiday season, but instead it's always all about DH and his brats :/
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A few things. Please don't
A few things. Please don't think I'm trying to be mean here. That's not my intent.
1. You dislike SS because of how DH treats him. You dislike the wrong person. SS cannot control the actions of others.
2. Maybe he does well in school because he works hard. Or maybe he's academically gifted. Or both. If DH isn't actually doing the schoolwork for him, he earns those grades.
3. ""ss16 is actually a nice guy, except his dad acts like he's the golden child and that makes me want to take him out and pound his smirky little face into a pulp". " If his dad is the one treating him like the golden child, people should want to pound the dad's face into a pulp. Everyone is resenting the SS for something he isn't doing, while the one doing it gets a bit more of a pass.
This, but I would also add
This, but I would also add that an expectation that a spouse will treat step and bios the same is not realistic.
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I agree but that is not what this post is about. IT sounds like if her son does something good...DH goes off about SS being better. And if her son does something bad, DH goes off about SS being better. That would get old quick.
I used to not understand about the resentment until recently. It is a terrible way to feel and it makes not sense...but it does happen. Have you told DH to tone it down some?
well, at least we don't need
well, at least we don't need to worry about ss16, he's got 4 As and 2 Bs..."
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And this is just crappy. It is like he is trying to prove his kid is better than yours and rubbing it in your face. I could NEVER imagine saying that to my DH about our kids.
I agree with willow. You need
I agree with willow. You need to talk to your dh that thus is not hue kid vs your kid. plus he needs to keep ss out if your conversations about your kids. If he can't do that then he needs to keep his mouth shut. Now that diesnt mean he can't be proud but to stop making into a competition.
I digress, I see your points
I digress, I see your points and I am ashamed to always stoop so low as to not liking this kid, b/c after all he is just a kid and DH should be the one I blame, and I do, it's hard to not want to bring down his kid so my kid looks better. It's hard when he points out the obvious to me by saying there are consequences for my kid when my kid refuses to do his school work. My son who is Aspergers but doesn't portray enough symptoms to get a dx, so now he is falling through the cracks at school, but his son is shining b/c he gets the help and supports he needs. It makes it hard for me to stay focused on my son's needs and not get angry and resentful at his son who is doing well in school, socially, has a gf over every week, goes to church and is going into the Marines. My son is struggling and has few friends and will likely be some nerdy computer guy, is not social and the list goes on, and I want so much for my son to be happy too. I am crying right now b/c my heart is breaking for my son, and as a result I want to hurt his. It's hard not to fall into the temptation of blaming and hating when your own flesh and blood suffer.
I'm sorry you're going
I'm sorry you're going through this. You may want to consider seeking counseling. If you're religious, you might consider seeking out your religious leader. They likely can counsel you.
For yourself and your son, you may want to check out the CA Health and Human Services website (http://www.chhs.ca.gov/Pages/Default.aspx) and the CA Department of Social Services (http://www.cdss.ca.gov/cdssweb/default.htm). Is your son getting counseling?
Please pursue those two agencies and get counseling for your son and yourself. Best of luck.
Holdddd onnn here... By
Holdddd onnn here... By comparing people, you minimize their value in this World. I have 5 kids, they are all Alphas, but their are all DIFFERENT. Some are more physical some are more social, some are more helpful and some are more intellectual, some are loving, some are independent. Your son's ONLY challenge is that YOU are comparing him with someone that you think is "perfect". Well, I don't think that having a GF or joining the Marines is something of value in my life (although I am thankful for his future service), but I hope my sons remain in the civilian world and I sure teach them every day that the ONLY time they go into the service is if they are to be drafted, and then they are to refuse to kill ANYONE due to our Christian beliefs. Having a GF prior to marriage is also nothing I allow either- not that I am a prude, it's because that is what I have come to believe is healthy in life. Spend time praising your son for the beautiful things he does or he is, and watch him flourish.
BTW- I respect your honesty, and that is the first step to healing.
What the what??? Unless your
What the what???
Unless your children are each separated by five years or more, it's nearly impossible to have an all Alpha household.
Regarding Military service....your views are incredibly twisted. The military isn't about killing. They are trained for battle but many of our service-people are in rewarding, productive careers that don't involve killing others. They are trained to defend our country. You are doing thousands of people a huge disservice by portraying them this way to your family.
You are incredibly unrealistic if you think your sons will not have a GF before marriage. What if they don't marry until they're 30 or 40? Is it your expectation they do not interact with any females until you have arranged their marriages??
A wife but never a
A wife but never a girlfriend????
Talk about setting a kid up to fail.
LMAO - that's what I was
LMAO - that's what I was stuck on too - HOW the heck is the kid supposed o get to WIFE if he isn't allowed a GF?
Ohhhhh - arranged marriage?
Having a GF prior to marriage
Having a GF prior to marriage is also nothing I allow either- not that I am a prude
Ok, I'm just gonna say it. Unless GF means Great Fellatio, I am confused. No GF prior to marriage? Besides an arranged marriage, how does that work exactly? What's your definition of a girlfriend? Christians do date, it's not a sin and it doesn't mean SEX; it's called getting to know each other.
^^^^^I am sickened too that
^^^^^I am sickened too that so many amazing men and women fought for her to be so anti-American.
^^^^That is one of my heroes.
^^^^That is one of my heroes. Love you!!!!
>My son is struggling and has
>My son is struggling and has few friends and will likely be some nerdy computer guy, is not social and the list goes on,<
Steelrose, there is a "life" beyond nerdy geekdom. Trust me on this (I'm a geek through-and-through). I was a "late bloomer" myself. I only really started having a social life at 18. Most of the popular kids in my high school didn't become quite as successful as people thought they would. Your SS may be the rising star for now but that doesn't mean that your son isn't ascending either. When given the love and the support they need, each child/adult will find his/her niche and explode. Your son will suprise you one day. I guarantee it! Until that day comes, be strong for him and continue to love him the way you do now.
I really think you should
I really think you should just focus on your own child and not worry about your SS.
Anyone who is put on a pedestal will eventually fall off, mainly because of the unrealistic expectations of the person that put them there in the first place.
You can nurture your own child and help him past this bump in the road.
And I heart my nerdy, IT friends. It's not a horrible field to have a career.
Hugs!!!
>And I heart my nerdy, IT
>And I heart my nerdy, IT friends. It's not a horrible field to have a career.<
True that! I sometimes think I am in the wrong profession. I was recently told that if our IT department has any open tickets for longer than 2 weeks, they flush them. :jawdrop:
Where else can you get a job where you can just sit on your work for two weeks and do nothing and then just chuck it out the window when no one is looking!?
The IT department at my
The IT department at my office is outstanding. They sit right next to the department I'm in and though there is a lot of talk about doughnuts, what they're having for lunch, Youtube videos, Star Trek and Star Wars........whenever anyone needs anything they drop what they're doing and come and help.
My husband works for a
My husband works for a software company. He is the sales manager, but most of the staff are computer programmers or IT support staff. He comes home with the coolest things sometimes! They know where to find all the craziest stuff on the internet!
I really think you should
I really think you should just focus on your own child and not worry about your SS.
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I think she tries to do that but her DH brings the focus to SS every time her son does something good or bad...
Yup...but not sure what that
Yup...but not sure what that has to do with THIS posters problem....
I told them once "The ONLY
I told them once "The ONLY person that is perfect is ME" haha (My 7 yo goes "Now that was rude" haha)
I love, love all of your
I love, love all of your comments. Thanks so much for validating me and also telling me a few things that were hard to hear.
Bs18 just waltzed in the door a few minutes ago and he sat on the couch beside me and I asked him how his night over at Grandma's was and he said, no first tell me about your day so far. That is a well adjusted respectful kid right there and my heart just swelled with pride
I briefly told him about my morning, leaving out all this crap and then he told me he's all signed up for winter quarter at the college, grandma helped him online and he's got a dorm room reserved also, that she is paying for. He is taking 15 credits and has 3 days a week to get a job and work and make some money. His Grandma paid in advance for 6 months of dorm life for him so it gives him time to settle in and adjust and find work once he's there.
Then just a couple minutes ago bs15 texted me (btw classes) and said he was overwhelmed b/c he is so far behind in this one class. The other 5 classes he has As but this one is down at like 30% and he cannot pull it up to even a D before end of semester. He is full on discouraged and his teacher compounded it today by moving his seat to the front of the class b/c he refused to talk and work.
So with all your encouragements, I am going to focus on him for awhile. Ss20 leaves for Job corps in 5 days and then I am going to douche my house and then have bs15 spend more time out here with me and converse more on a regualar basis. That will help him, as well and it might help DH to see that bs15 isn't all that bad.
Bs15 is in counseling and has been since he was 10. He usually does well for a few days after the session but our insurance only pays for once a month. Dh mentioned couples counseling once to me and I poo poo'ed him (based on the fact that when my x and I had counseling my x used things I said in there against me when we got home) but I might take DH up on that offer! It might be good for us!
So cool... Just picked up
So cool...
Just picked up bs15 and and he is now working on his art assignment that he was in trouble about this morning. He has to draw a pencil sharpener laughing at a clock with some text involved, etc. Crazy, but we googled for ideas! lol
Also I talked with the principle on the phone while waiting for bs15 to walk outside and he said that he thinks bs15 is one of the brightest in his school and really likes him so much; they talked for an hour today in the office. He is also letting me check out a History text book so I can read out loud with bs15 on the weekends. He thinks with his help, my help and the teachers help bs15 can pull his grade to at least a D- for the end of semester.
It was nice talking to him.