Will she be held accountable for anything!!!
BM was 30 min late for the parenting class today, the instructor just kept delaying starting because BM said she was on her way. GREAT! Seeing how DH has taken another day off work(BM didn't make it to the class when it was scheduled last week) and the instructor told us if BM did not show we would go on without her.
When BM finally arrived they asked for her payment and wouldn't you know, she forgot her wallet! Sure she did! She acted like her friend was going to drive all the way back to the apartment and bring it to her, but we'd have to wait an hour. THe receptionist and instructor were NO HELP! I'm so upset at the way it was handled. The instructor made it clear we were going to have to wait on BM's money and if it took too long we would have to reschedule.
DH said he guessed he'd just pay BM's part, (She was expecting that all along I know) and BM said she would pay us back as soon as she got back to her apartment. SURE!
The class was very repetitive, all the do's and don'ts about how to handle things in the best interest of the kids etc.
THe majority of what was on the list BM still does. Like telling the kid one day she can choose to come live with her, telling her to keep secrets, confided in the child about adult issues, etc. etc.
One thing they stressed was consistency in both homes for the child. Sleeping arrangements was mentioned so DH told the insructor about SD sleeps with BM over there and sleeps in her own bed here. The instructor NAILED BM, but tried to do it in a nice way. She said she's not judging, but if CPS were to get involved(she didn't know they already are) they would really let her have it because the child should sleep in her own bed in her own room.
BM said SD just gets so worked up if she can't see where BM is at all times, like SD is afraid BM is going to leave her alone or something. THe instructor told her she needs to look at what she could be doing to cause SD to have that feeling. WELL, I THINK LEAVING SD ALONE IN THE APARTMENT TO GO TO THE NEIGHBORS MAY HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH IT! Then BM said she guessed she is really having SD sleep with her for BM's benifit because she really likes to snuggle up to her.
Anyway, I'm so upset that I feel BM scammed us out of money and neither of our objectives were accomplished today. I thought that either 1. BM would not show up and prove herself the irresponsible person she is by not having a certificate of completion for the class, or 2. BM would show up and we would all get to discuss the issues we have and make progress. NOPE!
WE drove BM home after the class, she was open in telling us she might be moving in with her Gma. But when I tried to find out her plans with SD and her possession time she changed the subject to how she found out her exfiance got a DWI and is going to rehab and how BM wants to visit him there. I told her I thought she should just take care of herself, and then she tells me that was what she was thinking too. this is exhausting, she is so obviously telling me what she thinks I want to hear and it is nowhere near the truth.
Such as the statement she would pay us back as soon as she got to the apartment, nope. I know we might as well kiss that $40 goodbye.
Thanks for letting me vent. Hope you had a better day.
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I can totally relate
as a CP SM, it seems as though BM is never held accountable for anything. She doesn't pay her CS for herself- her parents do. She doesn't work, but her parents pay for her fancy house, car, and lifestyle. She's dating a deadbeat dad from South Dakota who doesn't take care of his kids because he doesn't want to. He doesn't see them, either. He lives with his mommy.
Good for the mediator for politely calling her out. DH and BM didn't go to mediation because BM would not agree to it. I think she knew the mediator would call her out on so many things. I'm sorry BM did that to you. Is there any way you could get the mediator to have their office draw up a receipt for BM to have her pay her half? Are both DH and BM required to split the cost?
sounds familiar
BM doesn't pay a single one of her bills; her parents still feel the need to spoil their perfect little princess. The guy she's dating is a less than responsible dad to say the very least.
How many more of these sessions do DH and BM have to go to? Get them over with as quickly as possible! When my BF got divorced from BM he ended up paying her portion of the parenting class because she was refusing to pay for it. The court wouldn't grant them a divorce until they took this class so he decided that he would rather shell out $60 then argue with her over money that she was never going to come up with and prolong the whole divorce process.
My Skid's BioDad is the male version of your BM.
He lives in a home owned by his parents and pays no rent. His parents pay his CS for my SS and raise his other three out of wedlock spawn in their home and BioDad pays nothing. Of course he claims custody of the younger three (my SS's half sibs) for tax and calculation of CS purposes.
Loser scumb bags piss me off regardless of gender. Especially when the are completely unaccountable for themselves or their children then whine and complain in court how broke and taken advantage of they are by the courts. All while those of us who do support the kids (whether Sparents or Bparents) have to provide reems of financial information to the courts so that the rights of the loser scumb bags can be protected. When the judge comes out with the "Mr Rags your income must be considered because your elevated income should not cause BioDad's CS to be elevated to subsidise an artificially high standard of living for the kid" it makes me feel like diving over the the big Judges desk and beat some sense in to the moronic head that sits on top of the ugly black robe with the stupid little wooden hammer. Grrrrrrr! Idiots can have children and other idiots can become judges. No wonder our country is going down the crapper!
The idiot parent label only applies to those that earn it.
Just my thoughts of course.
Best regards,
I totally agree 110%
BM ticks me off just be leaching off her mom & dad! My income had to be taken into account. I wish the judicial system would see through Sperm Donor and Egg Donor (my SDs' BM) and see that they're not taking care of their responsibilities, their parents are. I wish the system could crack down on them for that.
DH and BM were ordered to each pay for their own classes
That's part of what makes me so mad. If BM couldn't pay for it, she shouldn't have gotten to take the class. And the instructor and receptionist knew that, but almost bullied DH and I into paying for BM because of having to reschedule and pay fees.
I do think I will try to get up the courage to call the instructor and talk to her. She said we were welcome to call her if we needed anything.
I was just so upset when I posed what I thought was THE question we needed answered.
I asked what is the right way to settle a disagreement between the parties when both have valid points and neither wants to give in?
The example I used is the situation we had when BM single handedly decided to suddenly enroll SD in daycare after SD had been cared for by family her whole life. Like I said, she did not include DH in the decision or even allow him to be a part of choosing where she would go. I know many of you know just as well as DH and I that BM's reason for wanting SD there more than likely was because of wanting to show off her power as the primary parent and not for the sake of getting SD used to a school type setting to be advanced. But I choose to speak in giving her the benifit of the doubt.
So I say she had valid points, and DH also had valid points that he was afraid after seeing on the news all the cases of kids being left in cars or at parks when in the care of daycares, and along with that, I was already staying at home and could relieve them both of the rediculously expensive daycare costs.
THe instructor today was NO HELP! SHe just told us we should not even bring that up because it is in the past, yada, yada, yada. So I said we do not feel the need to reargue that issue, but we would like to learn from that and be prepare should another issue like that come up. I threw driver's ed out as an example, say DH wants SD to take driver's ed before she turns 16, and bm wants her to take it after she is 16. IF they each have valid points and neither wants to give in, what should they do??? THe instructor then told me that I should not make an issue where there is none and SD will not be driving age for over ten years and we shouldn't have to think about it until the year before.
UGH! Did anybody see how the woman answered my question in any of that??
Now I know that being logical is of the upmost imporance to me, and in the first issue, with daycare, my suggestion would have been to two reasonable adults that truely want what is best for their child but cannot agree, they comprimise. Such as if BM wanted SD to have experience in a school like setting, maybe enroll her in a mom's day out or two day a week thing. then the other days SD stay with me or someone from BM's family so DH would feel better too. IF BM still had a problem, I would say that she could list the things she would like SD to pratice on when she is with me or other relatives.
But BM didn't want to discuss any of that, so now DH has primary and the independant right to make decisions about the child's education. BM can make education decisions only subject to the agreement of DH.
Sorry, just I just go off sometimes getting upset about the things we delt with in court. It's almost like I relive it again.
DH and I kept the receipt for BM's part of the class. I asked DH if maybe he would want to text BM before she is supposed to get SD on THursday that he wants her to bring the money then. I think if he does BM wont show up.
Today was the first SD and BM had seen eachother in over two weeks, and SD didn't even want to hug her at first. I feel so bad for them both.
Oh, and this was supposed to be the first of three, three hour classes and the instructor decided to just get it all done in about an hour and 45 minutes. On the one hand I'm thankful, on the other im even more angry that DH and I shelled out 40 bucks each for the instructor to condense the info and give is a piece of paper. yea.
Good part is that is the last of the classes for DH and we are now in compliance with the order should we need to head back to court.
Rags, I liked your vent about the judge, and the mental picture involving the little hammer.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I---
I took the one less traveled by,
and that made all the difference. -Robert Frost-
Me too.
I understand. You're dealing with a lot right now and you just want what's best for SD. I'm sorry about the instructor. I agree with you that DH and BM need to start planning for the future and learn from the past so that the same mistake is not repeated.
It might help you if you let your DH take the lead in discussing these issues with the instructor and BM. Before each class, ask your DH what he's planning to say and write down a list of questions/things that you'd like to say, but let him say/ask them. That way, you'll still be able to get the info you need.
It might take a few more sessions of parenting classes for BM and DH to come to a compromise. Hopefully, the instructor will be able to get them to arrive at one amicably and tell them that by compromising and working together in an adult way, SD will benefit, and that's what's most important.
In hindsight, we shouldn't have paid.
Lying in bed last night DH and I were still beating ourselves up over it.
We won't have another opportunity to correct that, as the instructor sped through all three classes in one and we do not need to return.
I asked DH if he thought for a second that the instructor or receptionist would have made the same allowances for DH if he behaved that way, it's really a rhetorical question. Definitly not!
That's what I'm afraid of if we go back to court again, BM is a mess, but she has some sort of magical power that even when people can see she is a mess, she still gets away with everything with little or no consequence.
Okay, that's not totally true, she did get arrested twice and had her license suspended and a judge took primary away from her. I just think about how in the court ordered home study the caseworker wrote in the report all the things BM has done and how off her thinking is but still thought she should keep extended standard possession.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I---
I took the one less traveled by,
and that made all the difference. -Robert Frost-
sorry
what a mess.
She can't be a victim if she stands up and takes responsibility for anything. Guessing she very much likes that role and will do what she has to to stay there.
Ick.
Like Cruella says
"I think too often we cover for the other to make things easier and I totally understand your DH's thoughts in paying for the class but I personally wouldn't have done it. I feel that her not bringing her wallet is the essence of what is wrong with her parenting skills. She thinks DH should do it all."
"OCD sucks"
Habit and routine have an unbelievable power to destroy.
--Henri de Lubac