I feel like I'm constantly walking along this thin line between being angry at BM for not pulling herself together and feeling sorry for her and trying to fix her.

The trouble is that neither feeling makes any difference for anyone and it's just making me old.(I'm 25 and the wrinkles are starting to show!)

I've been very comforted by Colorado Girl's posts because of her BM being diagnosed bipolar also. It does provide some relief knowing there is a medical and or physical explanation for the irrational behavior of BM.

So the weekend before last BM had SD. Once again she had picked SD up driven by a friend I had never heard of. This time she told me the friend's name, but also that the friend is in college to be a legal assistant and is doing her internship at the attorney general's office. SHe joked to me she asked this friend to do her a "favor" while she's working there.

Again, BM seems to have no clue. And again, I chuckle uncomfortably instead of shouting, "You idiot, am I supposed to think that's funny when the money you're joking about making dissapear is supposed to help my husband and I take care of YOUR CHILD!"

Anyway, BM somehow got her phone turned back on and I verified this time that she had a car seat for SD(SD told me last time BM had no carseat in her friend's car so SD rode on BM's lap).

The very next night DH and I get a call from BM's mother. SHe tells me, "remember I told you I would call you if I ever thought SD was in trouble, well I think she needs you now."

She told us BM had been calling her all day asking for money. BM first told her it was for her electric bill. Bm's mom told her "Bring me the bill tonight and I'll pay it online for you." Bm refused and said she needed it in cash.

Bm's mom said they went round and round all day and Bm finally told her she wanted $400 so she could buy drugs she could turn around and sell them for $700!

Bm's mom said she told BM absolutly not and stopped answering her calls, then she got a voice mail. It was little 4 yo SD, with BM in the background instructing SD to tell her Nana they needed money for food and water. Bm's mom called her back and told her how awful that was, then BM yelled at her mom, in front of SD, that she would never see SD again.

THen BM text her mother that if she would not give her the money, BM would tell the people she owes where her mother lives "so they can go F you up."

DH and I drove over there, bm wouldn't answer the door until I started yelling through the door to SD it was me and i just wanted to check on them.

she let us in and we noticed BM was dressed up like she was going to a club. fancy top, midrift showing, makeup and hair done, dressy belt and jewelry on. SD...hair a mess, on the couch in nothing but a pair of panties.

Bm asks what's going on, DH tells BM, "I think you know what's going on." BM says no, then runs to the bedroom to get her cell phone. Dh tells SD to get some clothes on. I pick up the nearest clothing I can find on the floor and tell SD I will help her, Bm grabs the clothes from my hands and steps between me and SD. Dh says SD needs some clothes on, BM says no she does not.

BM takes SD in the bedroom and calls the police. We hear her on the phone telling them we forced our way into her apartment and she does not know if we are armed with wepons.

I call the police also and tell the dispatcher we are not armed, she let us into the apartment and we are only there to make sure SD is okay because we belive BM is involved in drugs. THe dispatcher says the police are on their way and the best thing for us to do is wait outside so things don't get worse. I asked what happens if she will not open the door again, the dispatcher assures me the police will get her to open the door.

I call BM's mom, she comes and trys to get BM to open the door, with no luck.

When the police arrive we explain that it is BM's weekend, but the messages about the drugs and people after her, then having SD call and beg for money. then we also told them how BM has been depressed and suicidal. BM's mom backed us up and insisted SD was not safe with BM.

Dh and I waited down stairs as the police and BM's mom tried to get her to open the door. Finally the police told BM if she did not open the door they would have to break it down and SD would have to go to CPS. BM opened the door.

WE were there forever, waiting and the officers going back and forth. THe officer that came out told us BM said all of the drug/violence stuff was a lie to try to get money from her mom.

Somehow the police convinced BM to allow us to take SD for the night, with the ageement we would return her to BM in the morning and allow her an extra night when she got SD back on the following Thursday.

The next day I talked to BM several times. She started out saying she would not talk to me without her lawyer present, then she calmed down and was pretty open. I told her Dh and I do not want to go back to court and we are only concerned with SD and how the stress on BM is affecting her.

I eventually had to take Sd to BM, I felt horrible when we got to BM's door and SD tried to run around the corner and hide sayind, "I don't want to go, I just want to stay with you. Please don't leave me here by myself."

BM was calm, the apartment was clean and SD seemed okay once we were there a little while. SD wanted to watch a movie so when BM put in on I told them I was going to go. SD did not cry so I felt better.

IT was still the longest night ever. The next day BM called me crying. I was freaked out, until she told me it was because she knew the cat was dying. I asked if SD was okay, she said yes, that SD just wants a new cat if he dies. THen she had to go, then called me back and asked if SD could come back early. Her sister brought SD to a restaraunt to meet me. The whole way there I was on the phone with BM as she sobbed about the cat.

BM's grandmother had called me earlier that day wanting to make sure it was okay with me that when I was supposed to get SD the next day she was going to try to be there so BM would have to let her in and she could try to talk her into getting help. I called BM's Gma back to tell her I was getting SD early and she said that was great. I told her I was worried about BM being there alone with a dying cat. Bm's Gma told me, "You can't worry about that, you are a mother and you just take care of SD. BM is where she is because that's where she wants to be."

So CPS is now involved. THey came to our house on Monday, questioned DH and I and talked to SD. I'm still angry at BM. I know it was just procedure and for the safety of the kids, but they had to examine both SD and BD7mo for any signs of abuse. I'm glad they are there for the kids, but it still feels so invasive and terrifying.

Last I heard BM had a note on her door from CPS, I don't think she has responded.

BM was talking about filing a restraining order against her mom, and sueing her for $500.

I was dreading THursday, then BM's mom went to BM and took her to have her cat put to sleep. BM's mom talked BM into passing on her possession time because of how her stress over not having a job or a car or any food is tuff on SD.

they called me and asked if instead of picking SD up, BM could visit SD at our house. I said yes. BM said she would call me in a couple of hours. Never did.

She called the next day and DH told her how we were camping out at the school district building to try and get SD a transfer so she can start kindergarten in a better school. BM said she would come on Monday to spend time with SD. Nope, didn't happen.

Tuesday we had an appointment for DH and BM and I to finish the court ordered parenting classes, Dh called BM the night before to make sure she was still going, she said yes. She said she had the $40 for the class and would get a ride there. Dh offered that we could give her a ride home afterward.

Dh and I took the girls to my grandparents and went to the class, of course, no BM. Dh tried to call her and she did not answer her phone.

The teacher said since BM and Dh were ordered to take the class, we needed to give BM one more chance to attend before we proceed without her.

I called BM's mom to see if she had even called her for a ride. She did not.

BM called later and apologized. said she didn't wake up and she would call the teacher back and go with us next week. She told me her brother in law was going to give her a ride, but he didn't wake her up.

Crazy thing about that is her sis and bro in law are having marriage trouble and talking divorce. BM is threatening to call CPS on her sis and try to get guardianship of her son. Messed up huh?

BM wanted to come see SD, but we didn't talk anymore yesterday.

CPS told us that based on the things SD has said to us, and the things BM has said and done, we should contact our attorney and may be able to get her supervised visitation.

I was upset by that. I told the caseworker that we just finished in court last may and dispite all the things BM had done, the social study still said BM should have extended standard possession. I told her we do not have another 20 grand to spend just so the courts can say it's not a big deal and we just need to get along. We are already not receiving the child support.

I told the caseworker we just want BM to take a drug test, if she passes we will know there is no evidence SD is in danger and we'll just let it go.

ANybody know what will happen if BM will not meet with CPS? I mean, if they cannot talk to her and get any evidence, what can they do?

DH and I are fairly certain that as long as we do not push for changes in court, bm will continue to allow us to help with SD and that is what we really want.

BM's mom has said she has offered BM a place to live if she will check herself in somewhere for treatment for her bipolar, depression, drug use, or all of the above.

ANd BM's Gma has offered BM a car if she will take the steps to get better.

It's true what CG has said, it's a bit of a relief to have a diagnoses on BM, but then it feels like her bipolar causes me to act crazy.

WEll, that's the story. Thanks for reading.

Shell