Blowing off a little frustration... not a real letter.

Dear BM's mom,

I have givin this much thought, and I respectfully ask that you stop paying for your unemployed, mentally ill, drug addict daughter to take the Court ordered drug tests.

I do so for the benifit of all involved, as it is the protection of your granddaughter that my dear husband is suffering and fighting for in Court against your daughter, and that should be the common goal we all share.

But my request is also for your benefit, because if you would stop trying to put a financial band-aid on your daughter's screw ups, you may not have to call ME again, for what will be the third time, to try to rescue your granddaughter when your daughter has her in a bad and dangerous situation, once again.

My heart goes out to you and your family, and it is with much sadness that I must announce the time has come for me to cancel my subscription to the "Save BM club" as my duties in the "being the only respectable mother figure to SD" club have me taxed, and honestly, disgusted in the actions of your daughter.

I hope you can come to understand that while your contacting myself and DH to protect your grandaughter from your daughter was a positive for your care of your granddaughter, your decision to financially cover all of BM's consequences from her actions, you know, the consequences she faces for her neglectful supervision of YOUR grandaughter, is a negative for your care and protection of your grandaughter, which in turn makes you a poor mother, and grandmother.

I also feel I must draw your attention to the fine print in the grandmother's rule book. It says that if BM is mentally ill, and chooses not to work to pay her child support or her own drug tests, and the tests are paid for by you, if BM gets possession of SD unsupervised again as a result of your money, you are responsible for any and every bad thing SD is exposed to.

I do hope my drawing attention to this situation will guide you to what is right.

Thank you for your time,

SSG

southernshellgirl's blog
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Shells.

It's the dance of the enabler and the enabled.

She BELIEVES that her daughter is good. Her love for her daughter blinds her. She honestly thinks she is doing the right thing.

I would like to tell you to send this letter, or say some of these things you've written... but I believe she is would not her your words and defend a daughter she is not ready to accept as less than what she wants her to be.

My skids' BM's mom is still a co-signer on her 40 year old daughter's rental agreement in her current home. Even though BM defaulted on the last 5 that she signed. "This time it will be different" is her mantra I believe. It's the enmeshed life of the mentally disordered, the dance of the Borderline.

You keep doing what you're doing... and try not to believe that if her mom wouldn't help her, it would be any different. It could be better... or it could be worse. For now, it just is...

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

Thank you so much CG,

Once again your wisdom comforts me.

I hope you don't mind, but I'd like to use your words as my quote?

"It could be better... or it could be worse. For now, it just is..."

-Colorado Girl-

So true and so well said, I believe if I repeat this every time I get in one of my emotional funks resulting from our situation with BM, I just might be able to let it go. At least a little.

Thank you my friend.

Shell

Everything will work out, shells.

You have signed up for more than you thought and have taken on the weight of the world.

Have faith in all that is good. Have faith that BM will fail like she always does, you just have to let her run free and do what she's gonna do.

She won't adhere to what is expected of her. She doesn't think she needs to. So she will continue needing to be pushed by her mom until her mom tires of it as well.

You will perservere here. I have all the faith in the world that you will. I have faith in you, shells.

"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley

I would at least try and talk sense to BM

Or send the letter. Not sure how things could get any worse.

You can tell BM that if she gets her act together, SD can get the grandchild back but her first priority should be the safety of this child. I hope BM listens to reason.

"Evil Stepmothers aren't born, it comes with the territory"

Just a little of my own thought

I feel like I have to comment on this because i know a little about the whole subject. Well i do understand completely where you are coming from BM needs to stop enabling SD or nothing will change. Granddaughter is number one priority now and nobody else should matter . I was enabled while i was in a situation quite like your SD but I do not have a mental illness also i did not have a child yet, it was not until my mother could NOT do anything to enable me because of the court system that i finally changed and got clean and my life back on track. I'm now watching my mom do the same thing with my younger sister but only she has a child already i have to repeatedly tell her don't give her ANYTHING except a ride to rehab. About a month ago I typed up legal papers and had my sister sign custody over to my mom so she is now taking care of my sisters child a 9 mo old boy and paying my sister to not take him for visits. It's a very messed up situation and I'm not blaming my mother that all this has happened but i do know that it wouldn't of kept going or been an option if we weren't so spoiled because she was guilt parenting. I think your letter was good and you should think about sending it. Also enabling is an addiction in itself keep your head up and maybe those drug test that SD is taking will work against her if she is using they can be used against her in court for the custody of her daughter. hopefully nobody thinks differently of me because i let out my secret past

Just a little of my own thought

Thank you Kerrid,

I really appreciate your input. I'm sorry to hear you went through that challenge in your past, how wonderful you got through it and are kind enough to share your experience to help me.

I kind of made the letter confusing, it's really to my 5yo SD's maternal grandmother. BM is the one with the issues and DH and I have SD with us.

I like how you said, "enabling is an addiction in itself", that is very helpful for me to look at it that way.

Thank you.

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I---
I took the one less traveled by,
and that made all the difference. -Robert Frost-

Your welcome / any time

keep your head up and me personally always say the serenity pray when i start getting really stressed... God grant me the serenity to except thing i can not change the courage to change the things i can and the wisdom to know the difference it really works in everyone life not just addicts or recovering addicts

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Blowing off a little frustration... not a real letter.

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