I am more involved with ss's school things than Bm. However, I would be way more involved if he were my son. I have that stepmom insecurity about being too involved, being ONLY the stepmom. It's really just the way I feel, not the way I'm treated or anything. Dh always encourages me to volunteer to do as much as I want.

Now that ss is in Jr. High, there isn't as much to be involved in as there was when he was little. I used to help out for class parties but I was never a room mother.

Ss's elementary school was very small so most of the mom's knew our situation. The people in the school office was shocked to hear I wasn't the mom because they only saw me and not Bm.

Dawn

We have the opposite problem. BM could give a flying you know what about SD's school and events. SD wants her dad and I at every event we can possibly go to, b/c BM can't be bothered. BM didn't even go to SD's 8th grade graduation ceremony (they enter high school in 9th). Couldn't be bothered to get a baby sitter for her latest child or leave her husband home with the kid, so we sat at the graduation with BM's father and mother, and us. WEIRD.

We go to all SD's games and events, even the ones that are 5 minutes down the road from BM's house, she can't be bothered to show up. Makes me sad for SD, she already knows she's been replaced by her step sister, stuff like this just makes it that much more obvious...

from my SD, the reason we're going through it all....:
o, btw, my dad and *northernsiren* are the best family a girl(and boy) could ever hope for. Thank you for helpping me through these hard times.

As a mom, I was always very involved with my boys' schools from days one.

And when I became a Stepmom, the BM was rarely involved, and when she did actually show up, she was an embarrassment to her 3 girls- dressing like she was going out clubbing rather than to a Catholic School parent's meeting!

But I digress...in the beginning, the 3 girls actually WANTED me to be there for them, and since it was just normal for me to do it, I jumped right into it. I was specifically asked by the girls to be a volunteer for various things around the school and, of course, that made me feel terrific and included!

And EVERYONE at their school knew the situation, and yes, there were comments made behind my back, but I didn't care- if the kids wanted me there, then I was there! Lunch mom, library mom, you name it. When they were sick or forgot something at home, I was the one to bring it over for them or come get them. I was the one who was on the soccer field and at basketball games. I did the fundraising at the High School level.

But eventually, I realized, they no longer cared about me doing it. I'm not sure when it happened (probably into the 3rd year or so). But regardless of when it happened, as soon as I realized that fact...I simply stopped.

It's one thing to do it if you're appreciated for your efforts. It's quite another to just be EXPECTED to be there OR ELSE.

So now I do nothing when it comes to the girls. I'm still involved in my boys' schools and that's it. If there's a special event going on, I'll attend it ONLY if I do not have anything else planned, but I won't change my schedule for it. These days, I let their PARENTS handle it.

Today I live by the motto, "Fool me once, shame on you; Fool me twice, shame on me"

"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis

My SD and my BD all go to the same school but his kids started there before mine did. When we first got married I tried really hard to be a part of all school conferences, events, girls scout events etc and was constantly being "one upped" by crazy BM who went to great lenghts to be uber-mom in all school related functions. It was comical at times to watch her try and glom on to other parents, hover over her kids as if to put them back in the womb and back pedal whe lies she's told spill out in front of other people.

There's also dealing with the stigma that I was the SM by other moms and teachers, I just stopped trying so hard. Teachers would talk around me and somehow, I got the feeling that other moms didn't know what to do with me. SO, I let their dad take the lead and don't go to conferences and don't volunteer in class. I focus on my kids and their activities where I can focus on them rather than how I do or don't fit in.

Ours is a unique situation, although I'm sure not too unique on here. Skids 6th and 8th gr live with DH & I. They have lived with us since 1st & 3rd gr. When they lived with BM, NOone was involved in the school because we never knew what was going on and BM didn't really show up herself except for SDs graduation from Kindergarten, which we gladly attended.

Since the kids have been with us, I am very hands on. DH & I handle all conferences, sick calls and volunteering. As time has passed and the kids got older, BM wanted in on the action. She schmoozes with the teachers and even used to volunteer sometimes in SSs classroom (although SS says she drove him crazy). I, on the other hand did things outside of the classroom, like helped grade Math Superstars (extra practice math work sheets, that made you eligible for a special prize at the end of the school year). I prefer to be in the background, but trust me ALL of the teachers know and respect me. They applaud me for putting in the extra time with the kids with their schoolwork and they recognize who puts the time in without me being in their face all the time. I try to leave school conferences for DH to handle, but I do attend either with him or when he is unable to. Because the teachers are aware of the situation, they gladly grant BM conferences as well, we just do them separately. So far, we have had no problem with that.

This year with SS entering 6th grade, I made sure to get each of his teachers email addresses and set up a folder just for them, just in case. I introduced myself and explained the situation to them as well, and provided our phone numbers and email addresses. Everyone was very receptive to this. This Thursday is Open House and the three of us will be there DH, myself and BM. I do not care for her all that much and she is not as involved with the important things as she should be, but I respect her efforts for trying even if it is just to say "HEY I'm the mom!" The way I see it, it doesn't hurt the kids to have three involved parents instead of two. It has kept them on the straight and narrow and they are excellent students even if their behavior sucks sometimes. For me the key has been to have an open line of communication with the teachers and the kids know this, so they tend to do what is right rather than follow the crowd.
Step Mother's Motto this week is:

You don't have to LOVE me, you don't even have to LIKE me... But you will RESPECT me.