Opinions please, SD has questions and I don't have answers.
BM has been passing on her time with SD for about a month now. I'm not complaining, BM got herself into a sticky situation being jobless, carless and almost homeless, and it was stressing my almost 5yo sd.
But being a stepmom you just can't win and now I'm torn.
SD is now asking when her mommy is going to come get her. I'm afraid she's feeling abandoned by BM and I really feel bad for her because I'm feeling that way about my mom right now too, and I'm having a tough time at 25!
I would LOVE some honest opinions on what I should do, if anything.
I feel I am close enough to BM to call her and simply ask how she's doing and what's going on with her. BUT.... I don't want to guilt her into getting SD when she still may not be financially or mentally able to handle her right now. See, I know SD is going to have many questions for BM and BM is not mentally stable and usually causes more harm than good.
I HATE this for SD. She has questions for me I feel I cannot answer! A child should not have to wonder when they are going to see their parents and why her mother has not come to see her.
I could call BM's mother or gma and ask them how she's doing and if I should call BM, but I feel they would just call her and guilt her too, and I don't want that.
BM showed up to one of SD's lessons with a guy. I understand she needed a ride because she has no car, but the guy stayed the entire lesson with us and watched SD too. DH was upset because they just repeated in the class we took with BM that she should not introduce new relationships to SD until she has been seeing them for 3-6months. SD was not too happy Mommy brought a man. Now my poor little SD is telling me she thinks mommy is married to the guy. I told her no, mommy would tell her if she was getting married, but SD disagrees with me saying she thinks mommy would not tell her she is married to the guy because mommy knows sd does not want her to get married.
SD wants to call BM and ask her if she is married to the guy.
When we got in the car after SD's lesson, SD told DH and I that they guy has spent the night at her house with BM and that SD slept in BM's bed while BM and guy slept in SD's bed.
I don't know for sure if BM has passed on her time because of her situation, or because of SD stressing, or because the last two times SD was with BM sd complained and said she did not want to be there and wanted to come back to her house with us, or all of the above.
Because I'm not sure why, I'm not sure what BM would do if she talks to SD and SD says she wants to go with her.
Apparently BM has told her mother and gma she has a job. but we have been getting support that is being taken out of unemployment for BM. I don't understand how BM is drawing umemployment if she has a job???
So my fear is, and has been, that BM is selling drugs. THat is what she told her mom over a month ago the night DH and I went to check on SD and BM called the police on us.
From what I heard from BM's mom and Gma, Bm did meet with CPS and was given instructions to stay on her bipolar meds, see her DR and provide supervision for SD when she is in her care.
I don't know that they did a drug test, but from what I've heard now, if it came up positive she could excuse it because of her meds. But even if she is not taking drugs, if she is selling them out of her apartment it's still dangerous for SD.
Okay, I'm done rambling.
My options are, 1. Call BM and ask how she is doing and her plans for seeing SD. 2. don't call and sit here all day wondering if she is going to show up to get SD and not be able to have SD mentally prepared to go with her, 3. Call BM's mom or gma and ask them what's going on and what, if anything should be done.
I feel like it is best for SD to have a relationship with her mom. Then I also feel, as I do about my relationship with my mom, if her mom is not mentally healthy right now, it is best that she not spend time with her.
Like I said, stepparents can't win. Darned if you do, darned if you don't!
THanks all,
Shell
- southernshellgirl's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
How woud you feel about BM
How woud you feel about BM meeting you guys at a park or something so that you could supervise a visit between them? So they see each other but ultimately SD is in your care? I agree, no matter how screwed up a kids parents are, they still want to see them. They don't understand all this stuff, which is good. But it hurts them not to see their parents. I am dealing with my broken hearted 5 yr old son missing his dad as well. He is 7 hrs away so he can only see him on school breaks. Its a long tme for him to go and after a month or two he starts really getting upset
"Nobody will ever win the battle of the sexes. There's too much fraternizing with the enemy"
sounds like my
life for the past 10 years...... BM DID abandon my SDs on my doorstep and disappeared for years. When she did return, she did so only sporatically here and there. SD's always asked where she was and when they would see her again. Of course, they were a bit older, so we filtered the hard truth with something more managable for their age. They were 10 and 13 and could comprehend that mom was "sick" and just needed to get some help to get better.
You are in a tough situation, and I don't think I would know how to handle that situation with a 5 y/o. However, Sitatara might be able to give you better advice, b/c her SD was around that age when her BM pretty much did the same thing as well.
Good luck!
Yeah, it's a tough
Yeah, it's a tough situation. But I've come to realize that sometimes you can't make your skids bio parent act like a real parent. Sometimes you can't get in-between that relationship. It's super sad. But what can you do? BM is a grown woman who knows her daughter. You should not have to force the situation. Sometimes as step-parents we try too hard to facilitate a relationship between the child and the non-custodial parent. It's impossible to do it and it eventually hurts the child in the long run because it's almost like we are setting the child up for hurt and disappointment. The hurt and disappointment happens because it's not the bio-parent who is stepping up to the plate on his/her own. So of course it's going to fail. So my advice to you is to just step back and let things happen how BM wants it to happen. Just make sure you shower your SD with love and that you are there for her when/if BM lets her down.
I commend
you for caring about everyone involved, and trying to do the right thing. If you and BM are on good enough terms that you could talk with her, you might want to try that route. Not with the intention of setting up or guilting her into a visit but just to make her aware that you are willing to work with her (maybe she doesn't feel comfortable doing a whole weekend right now- but taking kiddo out to Sunday brunch might be a good compromise. Maybe, if it's appropriate, encourage mom towards more phone contact with kiddo so kiddo is able to connect with mom and not feel forgotten.
And like Mike said- lot's of love for kiddo, and if kiddo does ask those questions, there is nothing wrong with saying, "mom is taking care of some things right now and they are taking up a lot of her time, she still loves you and wants to be with you."
"The beauty of life is, while we cannot undo what is done, we can see it, understand it, learn from it and change, So that every new moment is spent not in regret, guilt, fear or anger, but in wisdom, understanding, and love." -Jennifer Edwards
With all my contempt for my BM.....
I kinda had to deal with the SD11/BM thing.....BM took off to "live her new life" and would call skids every 3-4 months or so to tell them how great her life was and how much she loved them..(yea I know,,,:barf:, but eventually they stop answering her phones calls....I asked my youngest, SD11, how come u don't talk to yur Mom when she calls?...SD said well if my Mom really loved me...she would call me more than every 3-4 months and want to see me all the time....that just broke my heart, so I told her...I have NO doubt that your Mom loves you very much...I think she is just working things out right now and trying to get her life together so she can be a better Mom...I was like...did I just say that????.....LOL....but I don't think any child should ever think their Mom doesn't love them...she will have plenty of time later in life to make her own conclusions about her Mom and her behavior....I think u are doing the right thing....but like Mike said....you can't make bio parents be real/good parents.....BM will have to do that for herself... good luck with yur little SD, she is VERY lucky to have u
"Sooner or later, everyone's bill comes due"
We've tried to encourage SD to go with BM's mom and Gma
But I think BM kinda poisoned SD against them, at least a little.
BM's mom and Gma have been trying, for years now, to get BM straightened out and on the right track, but instead BM has chosen to blame them for every bad thing that has ever happened to her.
She has shared those feelings with SD, most recently by telling SD that BM's mom took money from BM and having SD call BM's mom and beg for money. BM told SD if she didn't get the money from BM's mom they would not have money for food or water. Then she said, to or in front of SD, that she was going to have to live under a bridge because no one will help her.
SD said she told Mommy she would come see her under the bridge and take her food and presents.
WE have had both BM's mom and gma over to visit SD at our house in the last few weeks. Both visits went really well, but when the idea of going with BM's mom or gma came up SD declined and said she just wanted to stay with me. I've encouraged SD to go with them, I think that would be a great way for SD to stay connected.
I guess I can have SD call BM, but I honestly worry because I know BM does not know how to answer SD's questions. I know it's dumb, but I feel like I need to hold BM's hand and suggest appropriate ways to respond to a 5yo, because believe me, BM does not get what is "appropriate".
BM either talks to SD as she would an adult friend with all the adult info, or she lies, jokes, or avoids answering her alltogether.
Like with the bridge comment, BM says, "I told SD I was only joking!". Who jokes about being homeless and starving with their 4yo child??
I guess I'm worried about SD's motives for wanting to go with BM right now too. IS she just wanting to go because she is worried about BM and she feels like if she is there she can protect and care for BM? BM has always let SD know she is the "ONLY good thing in her life and the reason she gets out of bed at all".
Or maybe it's because BM brought that guy to SD's lesson and SD is feeling a bit jealous and territorial? Why is he with Mommy and I'm not?
ANd maybe she's just ready for a break from our rules and from her baby sister. SD has been living in two homes her entire life, this is unusual for her to be in one for so long.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood, and I---
I took the one less traveled by,
and that made all the difference. -Robert Frost-
This situation is very difficult
I have two SD's as most know. When I came into their life they were 9 and 14. BM is bipolar. Prior to this relationship I only had little knowledge of this disease dealing with social security clients. But to have it personally affect you is a whole different story.
BM would not take her medications and therefore all of our lives would start to spiral. I was very angry with her because I felt that not matter how sick she was, she should not be excused for neglecting her children. But I later found out that she has no concept of responsibility no matter what it involved.
She spent years going from differ men and doing drugs. And as far as we know now, 5 years later, she is married and still involved with drugs. The last time the girls talked to her was Christmas. The sure one time she will call.
The girls on a yearly basis talked to their mother maybe two times. If manic she would call constantly only to let the girls hopes up and then let them down and not call for months and months.
Me and my husband talked to the girls honestly about their mothers sickness. And we know that their mother loves them very much. My SD's are now 15 and 20 and I have heard the 20 year old begging her mom to "just please take your medicine". Every year all of our girls, 2 SD's and 2 BD's play ball and we all know that when our children get up there with the bat in hand ready to hit the ball, they look back into the stands to see who is there and watching them and the BM is always missing. It breaks my heart.
I have called the BM's mom to inquire about BM. BM's mom took me in as one of her own and loves me. So when I would call her it was only to test the waters regarding BM. I know BM may resent me after all these years because I have had the pleasure of seeing her daughters grow and blossom and I dont want to upset her. But we arent good buds either.
So I think depending on your relationship with her would I contact her personally or her mother. Good Luck!