"Mommy misses Daddy"
Hello all-
I survived the holidays and things were pretty quiet and drama free. As my future SD is broadening her little 2 year old vocabulary and retaining everything and anything someone says or does. I'm struggling on how to respond to things she talks about occasionally.
I hear about BM and GMA (GMA is daycare Monday-Friday) all the time. Mommy this, Mommy does that. And Ive adjusted to that, I keep things positive about BM and when she says shes excited to her mom, I respond with something friendly and I try to match her excitement. (BM and I are cordial , just a few odds and ends that are weird with her)
In my previous posts I mentioned BM moved in with my SO's parents because her apartment fell through. ( She is finally moving out) But this has created such a strange living situation. She asks for GMA more then mommy and she is (and rightfully so) grouping them together as her family because they are all under one roof. No mention of SO. The weekends we have her, every morning "I get to see GMA And Mommy". " Honey this is your time with Daddy and I, you will get to see them Monday Morning". She gets all upset and tells me she doesnt want to be here.
I mean I dont know what to say but continue to repeat that. Any suggestions? Like I get being cut out LOL but she says things like all I need is "GMA and Mommy", "GMA and Mommy keep me safe". And I try to chime in Daddy keeps you safe too. I know it hurts SO's heart. And in my mind Im like if you guys hadnt decided to use your parents for daycare this probably wouldn't be as big of a deal. He does knows this, and Im sure kicks himself for it. Now when BM moves out and its back to bouncing between three houses....who knows what will happen then. Maybe itll get better when she starts preschool? Or maybe it will start more meltdowns?
Now the other day, I was getting ready for work ( SO wasn't home) and she started talking about Mommy was crying and is sad. And she had said something like that a few days ago....I did one of those "big girls cry sometimes too I am sure mommy is okay". Then BAM, Mommy misses Daddy. LOL holy hell where did that come from, she said it a few more times and then started talking about how Mommy and her new BF were just going to be friends. This girl is 2 LOL...what am I in for? Then i drop her off at GMAS and GMA does not like to aknowlegde me until after she has gushed over her grandchild for 20 minutes. That set the mood for the day...sometimes its really hard to see the positives in a relationship like this. Its like a constant reminder that you just signed up to be a babysitter. UGH.
Thanks for letting me vent!!
I'm not a big fan of the RUN
I'm not a big fan of the RUN advice on here. But ... RUN!
I feel bad for this little girl, she's caught between your home, her mother and her grandmother, and she's already confused AF, and she's TWO. This all seems like a recipe for future disaster. Please be sure you are ready for what is coming.
I think, if BF is willing to
I think, if BF is willing to address this with BM and SD, that running isn't necessary yet. But, if BF is being a softy, running would be wise.
IMO, this is the beginning of
IMO, this is the beginning of a long, sordid tale of parental alienation and drama from BM and the grandparents. I feel bad for this little girl.
It's possible. Not that I
It's possible. Not that I live a drama-free step existence, but BM pulled similar stunts with DH and the boys, up to and including moving in with my MIL and involving her in all the BS.
Thus far, despite best efforts, the kids aren't PASed out. The boys were roughly the same age when it started, too. It comes down to what BF is willing to do about it and what his reaction is to it. If he can combat it and remain an involved parent, great. If he takes your DH's approach, great. If he becomes a wet noodle...not so great.
Ultimately, OP has to decide whether the drama that comes with all step situations is worth it, and at what point does it not become worth it to her. I personally would give my BF that chance to prove that he'll handle it, but that's not everyone.
Do you know what parental
Do you know what parental alienation is? Because this isn't it.
Yes this an extremely odd
Yes this an extremely odd situation. LOL and you aren’t the first person to tell me that!! And I don’t think I am prepared at all.
Tell your BF what she said.
Tell your BF what she said. He needs to tell his daughter that he loves her, and Mommy loves her, but they won't be together. That her family consists of him and you, GMA and GPA, and Mommy and her BF.
Being 2, part of this is just normal "I miss my parent" behavior. If GMA treats her like a grandkid and not a kid she babysits, she likely gets spoiled daily, making her like GMA's house a lot (as kids are inherently selfish - it's how they're wired for survival and why parents have to guide them out of it).
It may also be good for BF to call BM and ask her to be mindful of what she says around SD because SD is upset that she is upset. And he should probably remind her that they aren't a couple, won't be a couple, and she shouldn't make SD think that is ever going to be a possibility.
I'm sure your BF's heart is breaking over this, so it's important that he (and you) separate the age-appropriate behavior from the manipulative behavior. Missing BM and GMA is normal. Repeating that Mommy misses Daddy is either SD twisting something in her mind or BM speaking WAY out of turn. BF needs to address both sides - SD's feelings and BM saying things she shouldn't around SD.
Thank you! BM is very
Thank you! BM is very dramatic and it’s a big ordeal every time she is dropped off or picked up by anyone. She is definitely a mommas girl which is A-OK. But yes she is 2 but and I don’t think it’s manipulative by any means. I think BM really needs to be more sensitive to what she says around her, she is repeating everything! Just like you said! And if BM still has feelings for my BF she needs to talk to him about it and he needs to squash it.The whole thing is odd!!!!
I think he would benefit from
I think he would benefit from talking to BM about being more cognizant of what she is saying in front of their daughter. To be fair, she's only two. Having to be concerned about that is newer territory, but it doesn't sound like she is the type of mom who would want her daughter to be upset about her parents not being together.
Also, she could have said something different, like she misses being married, or maybe her BF is insecure and thinks she misses your SO. It might not actually be that BM still has feelings for him.
^^^this^^^
^^^this^^^
I was thinking the same thing!!
I came into the picture when
I came into the picture when SD was 5.
She said her "mommy was crying a lot because Daddy doesn't love her anymore".
BM had SD with DH because DH makes a lot of money. They had divorced over a year before we met. BM had left DH for Mealticket, who she'd had a year-long affair with before leaving DH, after draining all of DH's finances. BM is still with Mealticket because she is too fat and ugly now for an additional upgrade, and Mealticket is a doormat with no expectations of her.
It was a Parental Alienation tactic.
Parental Alienation always works. SD is is now almost 15, and is a mental case and a nightmare.
You have a long road ahead of you.
That sounds awful. Yes I am
That sounds awful. Yes I am definitely taking my time with everything!
"Mommy misses daddy". Grrrrr
"Mommy misses daddy". Grrrrr! That is just about the most pathetic manipulative crap that the blended family oppositon can load a kid up with.
We dealt with it too. "Daddy (firstname) (DickHead the SpermIdiot) wants to know if you still love him mom." That used to induce a reaction of shock from my wife. I would just shake my head.
This went on from ~age 2 until 10 though less frequently the older SS got.
My DW would answer honestly. "No son, your father was not a good person for me to be with. I do not still love him. But.. I love you very much." Lather, repeat in some age appropriate format. As SS's experiences with the toothless moronic manipulations of the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool increased he started confronting that crap at the source as soon as it was spouted. As he got older SS would frequently go through our Custody/Visitation/Support records in response to some crap that his SpermClan would pull while he was on SpermLand visitation. By the time he aged out from under the Custody/Visitation/Support CO he knew as much about it all as we did. He knew far more than they did. His mom is a meticulour record keeper. The SpermClan never learned the CO or anything else that influenced the CO.
The SpermClan hated that. No more manipulation without SS calling them on their bullshit in real time.
Once BM moves out of your MIL's home things will adjust. This kid will gain at least an improved perspective of normalcy as it applies to blended family situations.