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When do you cross over the line from being "the bigger person" to being a doormat?

sosmomof6's picture

The latest drama BM wants to pull is the fact that she wants us to "switch weekends" again, because she says that SS has a birthday party that he really wants to go to. First she asked if she could pick him up early, and then she said to switch weekends. Although now I'm pretty sure she set this argument up, because she has now told my husband that SS "won't be able to keep his scheduled visit", because "he has plans that day". Indeed he has plans, to spend time with his father and other family. So, anyway, I guess that means that when we go to pick him up, she will refuse to let him go with us. But she's still telling us to "let her know" what's going on, even though she's already trying to dictate.

After my husband told her that we did not have to switch weekends, she texted our cell phone. So I told her DH was at work, and asked her what she wanted. She kept repeating how it would mean "so much" for SS to go to his friend's party. Yet when we invite him to our children's birthdays, his half-siblings, she says "You want him to come, you come get him"....which she knows is not easy, and it's asking a lot to want their father to take hours out of the day just to get SS on the day of our kid's parties.

Anyway, I said that we can't switch for the next off week (Oct. 5th), because we already made plans.So she said "then what about the next week after that scheduled visit?". I said that's not until late October, and since SS hasn't visited since August 17th, that's really pushing the visit off, which is wrong. So she replied "It's also wrong to force [SS] to miss an opportunity to socialize with his friends".

I had also mentioned to her how I wasn't sure if things would work out for this weekend's scheduled visit, because our daughters have a school event to go to, which starts at 6pm (that is the time we are due at BM's house for pick-up). It's an Ice Cream Social, and there's a lot of fun activities for the kids. Any family members are welcome as long as you pay the door fee. So I told her that we were thinking about asking if she would please consider dropping SS off, so that we could all go. She replied "I'm not dropping him off, you can't bend for me, I won't bend for you. Pick him up at 6 or you lost the weekend".

At that point I told her that if she wanted to discuss it more, she could call~ I was in the middle of hanging laundry, doing things for the kids....and the cell minutes were running out. All she said was "There's a reason I stick to text"....blah blah blah, she won't talk about it. But then she kept sending texts even after I told her I couldn't receive or send any more, saying "Sorry for being hostile but I'm angry about the situation" (I won't touch on that topic too much right now) and "Besides, there's a big difference between what I'm asking and what you're asking....I'm asking you to bend for him, you're asking me to bend for you, not him"

So I emailed her, letting her know that by saying how she wouldn't "bend" a little in order to let SS go to this with us on our scheduled weekend, that she had no room to talk about how we want to "force" SS to miss an opportunity to socialize. Well then she goes and sends me an email that ONLY addresses my husband, where she says things like "There's a lot I could say about 'your wife's' emails, but I can exercise self-control", and how I made it out like the social was something we were just going to go to and put SS "last on the priority list". She says she later realized she was wrong and that we DID want to include SS, but then she says "HELLO THIS IS ME ADMITTING I WAS WRONG!". So she says she would be willing to talk about SS going, but that if she drops him off when she doesn't have to, we would "owe her" dropping him back off. We told her that we will find out if we can do that, but we're still going to take the girls, because they already get shafted in this whole situation.

Well I emailed her back again, because I'm sick of her bringing up issues, saying untrue and petty things about me to my husband, and then trying to act like I'm the third wheel here. Why did she send the email to my address if she just wanted to threaten and manipulate my husband....she could have just contacted him.

I told her that she can plan on us picking SS up when we are supposed to, and she will need to pick him up when she is supposed to. And I know she is going to try to guilt-trip us even more than she already has, and lay it on thick. But this is far from the first time she's done this, and with a few rare exceptions, she gets the final word~ when she hasn't wanted things to work out, they haven't. When she says he won't visit, he doesn't. When she demanded us to swtich weekends when she said she had a wedding to go to, and wouldn't be around to pick SS up....she ended up going to the wedding.

Now I understand SS may want to go to this party, what kid wouldn't want to go to a party they were told about? But I am sick of being berated that we're "not thinking of him". I'm sick of the fact that she doesn't give a damn what has happened and is happening to our kids, but she expects us to bend over backwards to put SS and her first. She tries to make us feel bad for not being more "mature", like we're not switching weekends because we're "selfish". That's what she had her mom yell at DH when he said he shouldn't have to switch weekends just because she had some wedding to go to....that it meant DH was making everything about him and not SS.

So this is the dilemma that's eating at me....she wants to make it seem like we're the bad guys by wanting to have SS here when he's supposed to be here. And we could just say "fine, we'll switch weekends, even though that's not what's ordered". But I'm tired of giving in to her. And regardless of what she said about how she asking "for him", she had earlier said how we wouldn't bend for HER. Would we be enabling her to make her think she gets to make other plans for SS on the custody schedule? She had no qualms about telling DH that he had better pay every penny of support or else she'd get on DRS' "ass", but the custody order doesn't matter? I can't stand the hypocrisy. There was a time DH and I tried really hard to maintain our cool, try to be civil to her....and she just gets off and bossing other people around and taking advantage of things. She just has that smug, trouble-making Cheshire Cat expression, and an Angelica (from the Rugrats) way of talking that makes you want to slap her straight. But no.....I can't do that. *sigh*

Comments

Colorado Girl's picture

Anne gave the best advice. You don't need to deal with her, DH does. You can help DH with decision making and you can have civil conversations with her but when it turns ugly - hang up, walk away, don't respond to e-mails. It's just not your problem. My famous last words that I always tell her right before I hang up on her - "I'm sorry you feel that way...." Click. After all I've read on your posts, your BM is beyond a bitch and you should not have to ever deal with her and she should thank the lucky stars that you DON'T slap her straight. After all that she has put you through, I think even a Judge would understand. Wink

So why can't DH take SS to the birthday party? That's what we do when skids have birthday parties on our time. These BMs that have boundary issues, need them set for them. She has no right to dictate anything during your scheduled visits. My BM did this all the time until we stopped allowing it. It was ugly and she did the same thing threatened not letting them come over, but if you keep allowing it - she'll keep doing it. FOREVER....

chellebelle143's picture

**I always try to put myself in the same situation, and say would bm be as accommodating to us as she expects us to be to her. The answer is always NO. Not sure how far away you live from ss, but you could offer to take him to the party. IF it is court ordered that you get him this weekend, a judge would likely agree that Daddy's time with ss is more important than a friends bday party.**

I typed that before I finished reading the whole post.BM in your case seems to be having control issues. You guys are giving her too much power, and if it is court ordered she can't stop ss from coming with you guys. Just let her know you will be there to get ss, and if she doesn't comply she could be held in contempt of court. WE have a copy of the divorce decree in our car, just in case anything ever comes up.
As far as "owing" bm if she dropped ss off, that is just nuts. It is funny how quick they play the "I am the BM,you are the lowly SM" trump card, but then in the same breath will expect you to be indebted to them, for doing something for THEIR CHILD. I think your dh should just let her know that unles it is something unavoidable, like a family emergency or otherwise, then his scheduled visits will not be interrupted. I mean c'mon don't we have to plan our lives around "the schedule", enough as it is. I know we do.

sosmomof6's picture

That's basically the gist of it. My DH is planning on enrolling in the Ways To Work program once all the arrears are paid off and he can get his license back. I wouldn't be eligible, because I have to be working for 6 months. We do what we can between the buses and asking my father-in-law to take us around. BM got the custody order changed to have DH responsible for pick up when we have visitation and her being responsible when SS goes back to her house, so when it's unfeasible to get SS, he can't come.

We could consider taking SS to the party, but she hasn't mentioned anything as far as who it's for, where it's at or anything like that. I also don't know how awkward it would be in our situation, BM has definitely made the gossip rounds and told us how all her "people" back her up in everything she does. But it is an idea.