Trying to do that whole "empathy" thing

I have considered what little she has said about why she did what she did. The two main things were for the attention and because she said she was in a "black hole".

I admit I would feel very bad if my husband and I separated. So I can understand her emotions about that. As an excuse for what she did though? That I have a harder time with. Many of us go through major life stressors, but that still doesn't mean we start doing something to cause pain in someone else's life. Is that the "I'm not happy, so I don't want my friend to be happy either" philosophy? I can understand her wanting to be with another man. That's another thing she said, that he was "convenient". Ugh...I don't know what to make of that. Even when DH and I were having serious problems, that didn't mean I took my guy friends just because they were "there". This may seem hypocritical, because this was brought up the other day, but even as I try, I still can't empathize with her action...and I don't see how all her "supporters" that she talks about can justify it. Even if she's being honest with me and my husband made the first move on her, I still wouldn't do that to a friend.

Now what if I thought the man was the man of my dreams, and I knew he and his wife weren't happy...me, personally, I still wouldn't feel right. I would still tell him to either try working things out with his wife or putting a definite end to it before I would get involved. Not just because of my conscience, but honestly, I also feel that's selling yourself short. Especially in BM's case~ I mean, she would be over our HOUSE....watching DH and I together, watching our kids. How could she do that and then have sex with him behind my back? Or we would go out together...I just couldn't see myself watching the man I was being with doting on his wife and kissing her and not me. I think that would feel too weird. She told me that when he was "with her" that she didn't "see me" as his wife, it was "just the two of them". I think that's called "compartmentalizing". That just boggles my mind, how a person can switch off the facts that they know, that her mind could just reject the idea that we were still married.

I've wondered if she seriously thought the same things I've heard many "other" women say.....ie~ "I thought he would leave you, I thought he wanted to be with me, if he were happy with you then he wouldnt have been doing any of that with me" and so on. Rationalizing it. In our particular case, as illustrated above, I still don't see it. I'm pretty sure she knows this, but I was upfront....I gave him many an opportunity to end it officially. Half the time (from my understanding) they did anything, it was because I "kicked him out"....I was fed up with how things were between us, I felt all the tension and lies and I would just say "Look, I'm not going to put up with this...if you don't want me anymore then leave and file, or I will". I was the one who actually looked into it, to the point of getting the papers, I only needed to save up the money. But before that happened, he apologized, showed change and then I changed my mind about us separating. Point being, she should have seen that if he REALLY wanted to leave me for her, then he had his chance. But he didn't want to. She even said at one point that she "knew" he wasn't going to, but hoped that he would. That seems like a contradiction.

As I tried to say in the last blog, I could maybe even empathize with her if she had TRULY wanted to be with my husband. But I don't see that, at all. How could she when she barely knew him? Now that she does have a better idea of the whole package, through dealing with him because of SS, she seems to relate to him like oil relates to water. Basically, all they had was the sex.....that's not love or caring. And if that was all she needed, she could have gotten that from anyone else BUT him. Not long after him and her started, she did anyway. So it wasn't like she was commited to him either.

Now she is also VERY defensive about SS, why the first few years happened as they did. She does not ever own up to any of that...just tries to guilt trip DH because "he wasn't there" in those first few years. This part's probably even harder to understand from her viewpoint. All she says is "you don't know what I was going through or why I felt how I did". I will allow myself to try...all I can imagine is the envy from how two of her "lovers" wouldn't commit to her and how she saw they wanted to stay with their wives, while she knew her first marriage was a bust. But why get yourself into that situation...as I said above, I'd rather be with someone who I knew was single and free from any "strings". I even tried to help her find a nice,single guy (shows what I knew). But she also got involved in some really destructive stuff...and that put her kids at risk too. I don't want to condemn her for all of that, but I'm just saying she could have done better, for her kids AND herself.

Anyway, what gets me is how she had SS and then denied DH as the father and went after the other married guy. I "don't know why she did that"...what other reason is there but money? It wasn't to get him involved with the kid. And that's my basic problem with this whole thing...having a baby because you're with multiple partners, not even having a basic loving relationship with any of them, and then running to the state for support is an idea that, to me, goes against the child's best interest before it is even born. Plainly~ I think it's selfish. It's very different when you have a child because you were WITH someone, even if you weren't married, and the relationship fizzles out or breaks up for whatever reason. But for the state to treat a promiscuous woman as deserving support that is based on as if the two parents HAD been "together"? I feel that makes the term "Domestics" a gross misnomer because there wasn't even the PRINCIPLE of a home, or a relationship between the parents. In cases like that, the woman is already separated from the father before the child is even a twinkle in the eye.

Now putting all that stuff aside, I can even look past all that. I told her after things came out that my main concern was being civil for our kids' sakes. She couldn't have been more clear~ "I don't have to do anything. I am who I am, like it or don't, I don't care. My concern is seeing that your husband takes his responsibility, that's all I have to do. And don't talk to me anymore, you're not his parent". So even forgiving her for the past doesn't matter, because I can't empathize with her now. I'm trying, and I just don't see how. She resents me and my kids...how am I supposed to understand that? Maybe if she were still single I would, but she's not....she's with her second husband who she swears she loves. So why would she still hold negative feelings against me for being with my husband, and our children? I don't see why she would be envious of our lifestyle...she is so much better off. I just can't justify a reason for her outright nastiness....that she can't even DEAL with me or our children now, can't even look at us or refer to us when talking to DH, and blows up at him for even MENTIONING us. I mean, I definitely have negative feelings toward her, for several reasons, and I was still able to put things aside when communicating to her, and still could. So I don't know what goes on in her head. All I can do is deal with what she does and says now.