But did I really know what I was getting into??? No, I didn't! As a single mom, marrying a man with kids, I thought no big deal. We'd marry, live together, I'd have my little happy "family", and see his kids every now and then per the paperwork. But it's not all what I thought I'd be. Here's a great article I found that has helped me in knowing there are others out there feeling the same.

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Did you really know?? [from http://csmchat.weebly.com/did-you-know.html]

You knew that he had kids when you married him - but did you really know what that meant?? Here are some articles to help you deal with the hurtful comment, "You knew he had kids!"

Alternate Reality
By MrsNovelist
The current reality is "You knew he had kids when you married him." and "You have to grow up and stop being selfish when you marry a man with kids, because kids come first." Here is an ALTERNATE reality.

To men:

When you are a single man with kids, you have a big liability. You can remarry a woman with her own kids, and support them and deal with her ex and yours and try to be a father to all the children, and always be kind and patient and help them with their homework and go play catch with your son and stepson and join your stepdaughter for a tea party with her dolls after an overtime shift at work. But you'd better not lose your temper, and you'd better not grudge any of them a penny of your paycheck, because you knew she had kids when you married her!

Or, you can hit the jackpot and marry a woman without her own kids, without trying to make small talk to ex who shared her bed for years and without supporting another man's kids. You would be very lucky to woo and win such a woman! She is a treasure, a real gift from the universe.

So treat her that way! Remember that she is your wife and that the two of you will have a different kind of life than you had before she came. Remember that she doesn't have kids, and that you and your children aren't allowed to take her generosity for granted. Remember that your kids will look to you to set the example for how they should treat her, and that letting them insult her is an insult to your wife. Remember that she didn't marry you for the pleasure of picking up after your children or arguing with them about bedtime.

She is showing you the purest form of love, she is devoted to you. She is willing to make a home for another woman's children and to tolerate another woman in your life. She is willing to go to work and to pay for your children and then come home and make dinner. She is willing to attend sporting events and school functions that bore her to tears and eternally compromise her wishes for where she wants to live, go on vacation and out to dinner.

Do whatever it takes to keep that kind of love in your life! Never forget what she is sacrificing for your marriage!

You Knew He Had Kids
Thoughts and responses from real stepmoms

Unfortunately, you don't have to be a stepmom very long to hear this thoughtless and insensitive comment, "You knew he had kids when you married him." Or even worse, to hear from your husband, "You knew that I had kids when you married me!" Obviously, we knew that our husband's had kids, we also knew that those kids have a mother who is not us. This is not a news flash, all it is really is a comment made by people who don't want to sympathize or empathize with our suffering. They would rather give a contrite answer and not listen to our problems. As if telling us that we "knew what we were getting into" is somehow going to solve our problems.

We had no more idea what we were getting into than someone starting a new job. The person starting a new job gets to meet the boss and others in the company, but does not get to know what the office politics are. They don't know that the person down the hall is a gossip and always tries to get others in trouble. They don't know the person at the next desk lies all the time and tries to manipulate things to go his way. Just like we don't know how our stepchildren or their mother will treat us once we become a part of the family.

We meet and fall in love with the man, we love so many things about him. We meet his kids, we try to be nice to them because they are his. But the fact of the matter is that we did not choose the children, we chose him. On the same token the children did not choose us. It is not always going to be that we and the children automatically like each other and get along...any more than a new employee will automatically like and get along with new co-workers.

A person working at a new job would not call their best friend or their mother to complain about it and expect the friend or mother to say, "Well, you knew what you were getting into when you took that job." Yet, that is the exact response that stepmoms get all of the time.

How do we handle that comment and how do we feel about it? Read on and see what some real stepmoms have to say:

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What is the assumption behind the statement? That we should have expected all these problems? That we could have been prepared? I try to argue that there was no way in heck I could have been prepared for this, never having had kids, not expecting my stepchild to live with us since he was in a foreign country. Add on top of that that I didn't expect my stepchild to be such a difficult child. And I didn't expect my husband to be so unsupportive. But let's be totally honest here. I knew he had a kid when we got involved. Did I give it much thought? No. I was head over heels in love and I only thought about how my heart ached at the thought of not being with him. End of story. Was this smart? No. Does criticizing this now help? No.

This leads to some examples I thought of today. When someone complains about how bad their husband is, why don't we say: Didn't you know your husband when you married him? It wasn't an arranged marriage, was it? When someone complains about how difficult their teenager is, why don't we say: Hmmmm. You knew he would grow up into a teenager when you decided to have him didn't you? You weren't ignorant of biology, were you? You understood that sex can lead to teenagers didn't you? When someone complains about their boss why don't we say: You had an interview before you took the job, didn't you? You met him, right, you investigated the company? I could go on and on here but I think you get it. We don't say these things to people when they tell us their problems with their boss or kids or husbands BECAUSE IT DOESN'T HELP --- BECAUSE IT JUST DISCOUNTS THEM AND MAKES THEM FEEL STUPID. IT BASICALLY SAYS "YOU MADE YOUR BED NOW YOU SLEEP IN IT." IF THIS KIND OF ADVICE SEEMS HELPFUL TO ANYONE PLEASE RAISE YOUR HAND.

I think that it is good that we remember that we are stepmothers and that means something. What it means I guess is up to the individual, how much of a role she chooses to play in her family. I think it is important for us to think about this. I don't think that we would like this idea to be dictated to us any more than we would like to be told that the responsibilities of a wife are to wash the husbands feet and make him breakfast in bed. I also think that we can help to educate women who are starting on this path to be more aware of all the complications that can arise so that they will know a little more about what it can mean to love a man with kids.

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Ok. I knew he had kids before we got married. I knew he had an X-Wife who was a battlefield. I took the risk and married into the mess anyhow...

But I didn't know what it meant to be a step-mother. I didn't know my feelings weren't going to be justified by anyone but those in my position. I didn't know that I was going to be the main caregiver of the children. I didn't know that I was going to be talked down to by my husband and In-laws when I felt overwhelmed or screwed up something. I didn't know that My voice wouldn't matter and that I would never be equal when it came to parenting (it's either all me or barely me and never my choice).

I didn't know that what the average mother dealt with was going to look like cake compared to my step parenting rules. I didn't know that I was going to be the biological mother's focus of attack - her release of anger... I didn't know the kids were going to be TORN between myself and her. I didn't know I was going to cause pain for them, while trying my best to heal them. I didn't know it was going to be such a hassle trying to get pregnant - or even that I was going to change my mind and want to have a child come out of me (yeah I didn't want a baby when we married).

As much as I am loved in my little world - I am still having to re-hammer on my stupid branch to the family tree (I am sure most of the time it's me tearing it down). I have no security in knowing that this family will be mine for all my life. I have fears of my husband dying - and me loosing everything I love in one bang.

Ohh sure - it's important for me to take care of myself - but there just isn't the time. I didn't know that sleeping in was never going to happen again. I didn't know that reading a good book would have to be outside hidden in my tree fort (Yes mine) I didn't know that even though the kids are Little - they still would be sneaking my clothes from the closet - that anything that I possesed or thought valuable - was no longer mine. That I was going to be emptied of energy EVERY SINGLE DAY.

Yeah I still knew when I married there were children, I knew they were full time too - But I was Naive in knowing what that meant to my sanity, my energy, my needs. And when people tell me I knew. I shut my fricken mouth, smile, nod.... I did know. But no one told me what it meant.

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How does it make me feel? Discounted. Like my struggles with stepparenting are not worth discussing. That I am not important. That my family isn't important. That I made a mistake and they don't want to hear about it.

We already have enough hurdles as stepmothers. We don't need it thrown in our face that someone thinks we brought our troubles on ourselves. NO ONE is psychic. You wouldn't tell a parent of a child with problems "well, you should have known..." It is similarly unfair to expect a stepparent to foretell the future.

It also puts the blame squarely on us - it absolves the husband, his ex, their kids and everyone else of their share of the problem. We cannot change the world alone. I do own that I accepted that I wouldn't choose a new house. I do own that I knew it was not going to be easy and that I was aware of other stepmother's struggles and married him anyway. But that doesn't mean I don't need a listening ear, or that my problems are invalid simply because they came with a stepfamily.

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It's a little like saying to a woman who has been date-raped, 'you knew he had a penis when you went out with him'. Well of course you did, but you didn't imagine that your boundaries would be violated, it would be used as a weapon against you, you'd end up in court and spend hours with a therapist over it.

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How does it make me feel when someone says to me, "Well, you knew he had kids..."

It makes me feel like I want to kill them for saying that.
It makes feel scared for the future.
It makes me feel like I don't know what decision is right for me.
It makes me feel like I should bail out RIGHT NOW and go find a "better man" (i.e. someone young and single who has never been married and doesn't have this massive "baggage").
It makes me feel like I could've done better.
It makes me feel like a martyr.
It makes me feel scared and lost.
It makes me feel like a little girl.

That's how it makes me feel...

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It makes me feel like the person that I am talking to doesn't care about me at all. Like they don't want to deal with any of my issues, they don't want to listen, they don't want to take the time to understand. They would rather make me feel stupid and discounted than be a friend.

Another thing, I think that the woman married to a man who uses this against her should say this when her husband complains about the ex: "Well you knew what you were getting into when you empregnanted her!" That's about as helpful as saying, "You knew I had kids when you married me" and will probably leave him feeling just as stupid, discounted, and unimportant as it makes us feel.

Did You Know?
Author Unknown I phone my mother to fill her in on my married life and she says, "You knew what you were getting into". And I think, how can she know?

My mother has been married once, to a man who has only been married once. They are still married. I have uncles who have divorced and had multiple wives, cousins who have somehow coped with stepparents and half or step siblings. But we never talk about that. So I wonder how this wise woman can know what it's like to be in my place, dealing with frustrating feelings, fleeting emotions, paranoia and stress?

Seven common words. Seven words used by everyone, everyday. To one demographic this particular arrangement shoots straight to our core.

Second wives. Stepmothers.

I have not been either for very long, but I've been on the message boards and in the forums. There are many species of us, but still there are some basic commonalities between us. For my kind, we are second wives to first husbands, no children of our own and the rhythm of our routines is ruptured ever other week (and sometimes in-between) by forces we cannot (even legally, sometimes) control. Perhaps the best advice I can offer to these women is Give Up. Give up the notion that you did, in fact, know what you were getting into when you married this man. Give up and it'll be easier to deal with.

Of course, there are the rare cases where stepmotherhood is everything a woman thought it would be. You marry a man, he has a tyke running around who adores you, and you live as a happy family, ever after. Then there are the rest of us.

The ones who married men who see their kids maybe 60 days a year. The ones with kids who are 8 or 12 or 16 years old. The ones with ex-wives who somehow manage to creep their way back into their lives in increasing amounts as the years go by. The ones who are devastated by this. The ones who try in vain to maintain relationships with their children when inside they too have given up, claimed defeat, lost.

Did we know what we were getting ourselves into? Could we have? Were we supposed to know what toll the ex-wife, the children, the situation in general or the situations that were to come, would have on us?

I'm not pretending that if I had my own biological family that we wouldn't have our share of problems. I'm sure there'd be disagreements over grades, clothes, homework. But these are not our families. Publicly, on paper, in society's rhetoric we are a family. But in our hearts, our souls, we know . These kids may outright hate us, disrespect us or they may simply come to accept our presence in their lives. Yet we continue to toil for their benefit, providing them the comforts of our home, presents on birthdays and holidays, transportation to the mall, movie tickets, college funds, health insurance. We don't expect any thanks, and usually, none are even offered. We have no real say in how they behave in our own home, much less how they are raised or how they are disciplined.

Sometimes we thought we knew what we were getting into. Sometimes the early days are bittersweet memories, when our husband's child(ren) displayed delight at us being there for dinner, or to go to the movies, or to hang out. They liked us as friends, but as soon as the proposal was made, they withdrew. Or maybe the kids always resented us being there, threw peas in our hair, screamed at us in an adolescent rage before slamming the door and they became more scathing, more manipulative as they grew up. We might have even gone to message boards and forums and culled what we thought was brilliant and enlightened advice to wield only to have it backfire.

What we knew was that we were marrying very special men. We were marrying our loves, our soul mates, partners who brought out the best in us. Yes, we knew they had children. Yes, we knew they had former wives. As for me, no matter what the wisest, most experienced stepmother on the Internet says, I did not marry the children . I did not marry the former wife. I know. I was there at the wedding ceremony. We were pronounced 'man and wife'. Not 'man, his kids, and you', not 'man, his kids, their mother and I'm sorry-you are??" What we knew was that we were taking steps to move our own lives forward, to go forth as a unit forging a life of our own to live together happily ever after. What we knew was life is often unfair and is fond of curve balls but we should be open to all possibilities.

What we really didn't know was how our perspective would change. We didn't predict that we would get tired of the ex-wife interfering in our lives (yes, we know she's our stepchildren's mother and that she must have some contact with our husband regarding them), we didn't realize our husbands would be doormats for children who found the power of guilt, and we certainly didn't know that our lives, futures, desires would be put on the back burner until these same children got what they wanted or grew up and out of the house. And when we did realize what we had indeed gotten into....

We tried to play peacekeeper. We tried to stay out of it. We tried to do what we thought best for our men. We tried to do what we thought was best for the children. We offered our opinions, we offered our sacrifices. We tried disengaging, we tried to give room, we tried to be patient. We gathered strength to be more supportive, more caring, more understanding. We melted, bent and conformed to the needs of our husbands, their children, their ex-wives. We waited years to begin new families that only stirred up more turmoil. We grew restless, and--sometimes--resentful.

To add insult to injury there are those, even among us, who maintain we knew what we were getting into. That we should never have gotten married if we weren't going to unconditionally love and accept all the strings that came attached. We should be downright grateful that we have stepchildren. That it can never be the stepchild's responsibility--no matter how old they may be--for how they treat us or their fathers, that they are innocent and only act out through some fault of our own. That if you give them and their mothers respect, they will reciprocate. They say we gave up our rights to want lives, families of our own when we chose the men.

Did we really know all this beforehand?

Did we know we would lose ourselves to the undertow? Could we have been better prepared? If it were our own children it would be easier...we could lay down the ground rules, we could do our best, without invoking the rage and wrath of the other mother, or the father, or the children who--intentionally or not-- pit each party against the others. Was there a way to know what we would be sacrificing of ourselves, that we totally ignored? Even a convict with a lifetime sentence has the opportunity for parole, why don't we?

No, I did not know what I was getting into. I do not enjoy it. I do not look forward to what it brings. Nor do I want the negativity in my life. And unless you live it, you can't begin to fathom what it is like.

If you're really interested in helping and you obviously know what it is that I've gotten into, then tell me how to get out of it, over it, around it--but please, do not presume to tell me I knew what I was getting into.