Enabling dads (my dad enables SM)
I have the opposite problem than most here: my dad is the one who enables my dramatic, unsecure, awful SM. From my experience here, a lot of dads tell the SM to "brush it off" when their kids totally sabotage SM.
In my case, my dad tells me to brush off my SM when she has never failed to create drama for the 10+ years I've moved out. Yes, I have called her a gold digger. Yes, I have told her to go fuck herself. No, I won't apologize anymore. Sometimes people need to look in the mirror.
If you knew me, you'd know I would never say those things unprovoked. When my SM approached me on Saturday at my cousin's wedding demanding an apology after 2 years of no contact, she tried telling me how awful my dad had treated her and even though she attacked me first, I owe her an apology. Nope. She's already texted me the words a million times, I don't want her side of the story anymore. It is unimportant to me at this point.
When I moved out at 18 to get away from her, she told me I'd be begging my dad for money and would never make it on my own. I will never treat my SD this way and never have (even through all the custody/ BM drama).
But I am really mad at my dad. He says "it'll be ok she won't confront you at the wedding" and literally the only time she could address me was to make me submit to an apology. As I posted after the event, I didn't acknowledge any drama and told her "God bless you" and walked away before giving her the last word.
My dad knows she will never "love me" and he KNOWS she still thinks I need to kiss her feet like I'm a child even though I am 29 and haven't lived at home in 11 years. It's just maddening because my stepsis, SM's daughter age 25, says to "get along for the grandkids sake." But I don't trust SM because she ALWAYS finds drama to create with me. I have to apologize for HER bad behavior so we don't walk on eggshells. But my husband said even if I gave her an itemized list of apologies, it wouldn't be enough.
When we moved out of state after having a baby 3 years ago, she sent me this huge text after visiting our house that I didn't have a picture of her and stepsis on my entertainment center but ONE picture with my stepdad that MY MOM GAVE ME! SM was "upset" because she has been in my life longer than SF and has "done more." She also brought up how much she's done at the wedding. Why should I appreciate anything she did for me when it was to keep score?
At least she is not satisfied with not forcing me to an apology and I am happy. But DH said he doesn't want her in our home ever and he doesn't trust her and knows how much she's hurt me. If she thinks I'm such a child, why would she want a forced apology? I hate the woman and I am starting to resent my dad for brushing it under the rug.
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Comments
Don't apologize, just
Don't apologize, just continue to live your life. Your dad can be apart of it if HE wants, SHE doesn't have to be there. How many times do we tell SM's to let their husbands go do whatever with the skids- enjoy the alone time. Do something they enjoy!
If she texts you anything about your dad just forward it to him. Let him deal with her. Chances are he is just afraid of winding up alone so he just takes her crap. It is really sad when you think about it.
I want to pity her so bad
I want to pity her so bad because she is obviously insecure. But she can't abuse me because she hates her life. And with the text message thing, yes. 2 years ago when all the drama started, she blocked me on Facebook because I threatened to expose her lies since she was talking shit to me then only telling my dad the mean stuff *I* said. Accountability.
In my last post, I said it felt like looking at a 6 year old child and not a 60 year old woman. But she has a stick so far up her ass she can hardly sit down. Just being around her makes me feel like the air has been sucked out of the room.
And my dumbass dad just says "no she's fine" the tells her to make peace with me. When she confronts me to make peace, she brings out her score list demanding an apology at my cousin's wedding, my first vacation in over 2 years!
I asked her 2 or 3 basic questions before this thinking it was ok, but she gave me short, half answers. But she did let us give her a ride when it was too hot to walk. I wish I'd demanded an apology before letting her in the car. Jesus I hate that woman.
If your stepsis ever pulls
If your stepsis ever pulls that "get along for the sake of the grandkids" blarney again? Pointedly tell her that she is barking up the wrong tree.. it's HER mother that refuses to get past the ancient history.. You have been perfectly willing and able to live life in the present.. but it's her own mother who can't let go of her twisted version of what happened years ago.
And.. quite frankly dear.. I am thinking that my children will benefit most by not being exposed to toxic people whether they are relatives...or not.
I do agree with one thing SM
I do agree with one thing SM said Saturday: this makes everything harder on my dad. Unfortunately, I know that even if I did everything "right," she would find an issue with me within a year, less than 2, if I were a betting woman.
Well.. No duh SM.. how could
Well.. No duh SM.. how could it not be hard on him when his wife is in constant conflict with his daughter.
But you aren't the one flouncing around at someone else's wedding demanding an airing of grievances and apology for things that likely have already been apologized for in the past.
You told her that you weren't going to revisit water under the bridge and just wanted to be civil to each other.. how is THAT a problem you are causing? Her endless crusade for an apology is totally unreasonable.
If you ever had to say one more thing about it I might just say this.
SM.. this is going to be the last time I address your demands for an apology. I am sorry you are still upset by things that were said during a time when you and my father were having some clear problems in your relationship. I simply took my father's side in things at the time. Yes, there were things said by everyone that were probably not very nice, but at this point there is no taking it back.. they were said.. and we all just have to let that be water under the bridge and understand that the time and context was different then. I'm not interested in carrying the flame of discontentment to every event where we may both end up. I want you to clearly understand that I am done talking about this with you.. and if you can't see me without demanding that I prostrate myself on the ground in front of you.. then I suggest you stay home.. I'm not apologizing to you. I'm not discussing this with you any more. I will not allow you to talk disrespectfully to me and especially not in front of my children. If you can't be pleasant and civil to me and my family, then I suggest you refrain from being around us. I love my dad.. and I respect him too much to turn every event into a minefield with airing of grievances and demands for apologies.... I wish you did the same.. YOU are the one that is causing him pain here ... not me.
I guess becoming a parent has
I guess becoming a parent has made me realize this: you can't force them to apologize and you can't force them to feel a certain way. As much as we want kids to submit, they are neither our servants nor our puppets. They are humans with their own personality and feelings.
My SM has had major issues with me since I can remember but really prominent around 15 years old. My own SD is 15 and as I've said, the last thing I want to do is ruin our precious time with confrontations. I hate BM with a passion but I have never mistreated my husband's child.
I want to empathize so bad but I can't anymore. She simply hates me and I can never do right. She dislikes my husband when I have never said a negative word about him. My dad denies but that's all it is: denial.
I would just tell your dad
I would just tell your dad that unfortunately, his wife doesn't like his child.. you. That there is no amount of apologizing or cowtowing that will fix that. That you know he wishes you both got along, but that's not going to happen.. so he will just have to have his relationship with each of you on your own terms.
So, either his wife can be pleasant and civil when you are together.. or you won't be participating.. and neither will your children. You are perfectly capable of letting bygones be bygones.. but that she has to feel that way as well. If she insists on clinging to the past.. no one can get over anything... and it will continue to be awkward.
Next time your step-sister or
Next time your step-sister or Dad try to force you to play nice w/ your SM say this and only this: I know you want everyone to get along but sometimes it can't happen and this is one of those times. It is better for everyone if I have zero contact w/ SM. That eliminates the fights, the lies and the nonsense. I refuse to allow the toxicity that is SM's hobby to touch my family. I choose instead to stop any contact with her and put my energy into my other relationships.
Not every SM (or SF) is a
Not every SM (or SF) is a saint. Some ARE gold diggers. Some DO need to be told to go eff themselves.
She is behaving like a child. Different situation, but it reminds me of a former friend couple who "dumped" DH and I. I asked privately why, and never got a straight answer. The wife, though, felt the need to try and drag it up at another friend's bridal shower. I had to shut her down two or three times with "this isn't the place" and "I no longer need an explanation". Every time we see this couple (because we still have mutual friends) they act super chummy and dig for info. Again, we're not reconciling at a birthday party, and we're not reconciling until they provide an explanation as to why we got dumped (but they want to remain "friendly").
Your dad can do what our mutual friends usually do: see us separately. We don't intertwine friend circles except on holidays. Your dad can have separate relationships. If he doesn't want that, then he can decide who he'd rather give his loyalty to. Does it make it tougher on him? Sorta, but unlike my mutual friends who aren't involved at all, your dad created and sustains this mess. These are 100% his monkeys and his circus. If he doesn't like it, he can decide a different way to handle it. But SM harassing you isn't going to get the big happy family outcome that she and your dad want (and why they think it will is beyond me).
Wowza
Your SM will never be satisfied. You know that. So exhale and now you can disengage.
Your SM sounds insecure and she is not the forgive and forget type. She is the relive and keep the problems alive type. Exhausting, joy kill human.
Keep this SM out of your headspace and life. Fill your circle with people who bring out the best in you. Hopefully your pops and you can come to a mutual happy ground.
Be happy and blessings
ETA this shows the other side of things. The SD side of the relationship. It actually makes me look back and wonder how much I (unwittingly) contributed. No one is blameless in these scenarios I suppose. Your SM though sounds toxic, so it doesnt matter how good you were she wouldve found fault.