OMG - you're me...... Before I told my DH to leave.

He has 2 girls 18 & 20. When he moved in he told me he didn't think kids should have chores until they are 18 because they are kids until then. Now at 18 & 20, they have no clue how to clean up after themselves. He moved in with his parents after his divorce (before we met) and his mother asked him to leave because she couldn't take the mess. He didn't want to ask them to clean up after themselves because 1) their mom didn't, 2) he didn't want to lose them 3) I'm taking things personally... I can go on and on. Thing is - they moved into my house - my house where I pay the mortgage so after 3+ years of having the same argument (amongst other ones), I had had enough. Your DH should consider your feelings and, like mine, it doesn't seem like he does. This is your home now - your sanctuary. It is not ok for you to be isolated and remanded to your bedroom. I'm sorry - I completely understand how you feel but for me, it was a symptom of other issues in my marriage. I will not be disrespected by anyone - especially not the man who is supposed to love, respect and honor me. Your DH has set the tone. Where you go from here is on you. Good luck - let me know if I can help.

Honestly, if Dad does it then I'm not sure what the big deal is. I thought you were going to say that he doesn't help, but if he cleans up their messes then is the issue that you need to wait for him to come home to do that?

I completely agree that any kid should learn how to clean up after themselves, and I'm sure you raised your kid differently, but on here we often have skids that don't - and the usual advice is to disengage and let the bioparent clean up after them. It also sounds like their grandmother is cleaning their room.

I guess what I'm getting at is, is the issue that you have to live with the mess in the day until Dad gets home? Or is that you think they should be cleaning up after themselves, and don't like that Dad/grandma do it?

It's really hard to fix other people's parenting, especially now that the kids are so old. If Dad's fine just cleaning up their messes, I'm not sure you're going to get very far.

He may not be able to ground her but he can take away her electronics.

Ok, I have been through this and still going through this, even though the SDs are a little younger.
When I met DP, SDs were 7 & 9. They are now 10 & 12.
* No chores
* No clean up required
* DP did everything, or didn't do it.

I installed BASIC rules before I moved in.
* If kitchen is not clean before I cook, I do not cook.
* If I cook, I do not do dishes unless I WANT to (and I often want to because DP can make more of a mess cleaning up and/or break things).
* Personal stuff in living areas/shared areas must be cleaned up by next day.
* No food in bedrooms.

I went through about a year of getting DP to get them doing BASIC chores, but he thought that SDs "needed to be kids." Or that it was too "dirty" for girls to do (like take out the trash...REALLY? WHO cleans YOUR toilet, DP? ME? A GIRL?), and lord forbid I even mention the word "ramifications"...because older SD is too fragile and needs special treatment because she experienced a lot during the divorce. Etc., etc., etc.

So this is how it works for me now:
* your stuff left in shared areas for over a day? It's thrown away, thrown off the deck, or given to Goodwill. Period.
* I still don't cook if kitchen isn't clean. DP knows this and has learned to clean up better. I still sometimes prefer to do it but it's on him. I do not clean up SDs stuff. I leave it. Or I ask HIM to clean it.
* I don't try to teach SDs anything any longer, unless they ask. Both SDs know how to do their own laundry now but do they? No. So that's on DP. They don't change their bed linens? On DP. They don't clean their rooms (not an issue with SD10 but a BIG one for SD12)? On DP (unless moldy dishes are involved then I get involved. No rot in my home.).
* They are responsible for cleaning their own bathroom. I don't ever go in there unless we have guests. No TP? Get some. No soap? Get some. It's really gross sometimes, and I will check for mold now and then and DP ultimately has to clean it. Because the poor SDs simply wouldn't be able to would they now?

You need a hard line for what you can/can't deal with. It's the only way you can not go nutso. I am much, much better now dealing with the stuff. SD10 picks up on it very quickly and she rarely leaves her stuff out any longer. She's even helping me prep dinner these days and loves cleaning & yard work. SD12 will continue to be lazy and not do anything for as long as I can see because both BM and DP are so scared to challenge her. Not my issue (oh, we'll talk about getting her out at 18 later...that's come up between DP & I already).

If you need a cleaning person, because of SDs, then your DH needs to pay for it. I've broached this with DP before and it always motivates him to clean up. I have hired a yard-maintenance person though!

I wouldn't say anything about Gma coming in...if you like her then keep letting her. Whatever. Both your DH and Gma make those kids what they are. Ignore bedrooms unless they effect other areas of the house.

This was my problem when I first met HD. He grew up in a hoarding house so messes weren't that big of a deal to him. His ex was a drunk, so cleaning was the last thing on her mind. When I met the skids,SD 12 and SS 10, their rooms were so gross, I seriously considered a mask to walk in. All you could do was open the door and jump onto a bed immediately to your right. Everything was piled up on the floor and just stacked everywhere. There was old food rotting somewhere in the pile and everything smelt like rotting trash.

Once I brought the kids to my apartment, my SD12 was astonished at how clean it was, she loved it and didn't know anything like that was possible. We all cleaned out their room as a family and they were shocked at how clean it was. My SS 10 didn't care as much and was way more concerned with what got thrown away (hoarders just need to know they own their things, they don't need to actually see them ever again). They were exactly like your girls, dishes just stay on the table, trash gets thrown on the living room floor, old,broken things just get piled in a corner because they'll "fix them later" (another hoarding trait). When we cleaned out their condo so they could move into my house, the kids were depressed at how pretty it looked and said they wanted to stay now.

I was lucky because my HD was very receptive to someone showing him how you can live in a nice house. He is very supportive about the concept of keeping things clean but not the best at actually keeping things clean. Still, he tries really hard.

When we all moved in, I explained to the kids that we don't live that way anymore and that it is really hard work to keep a clean house but it is required. I had to take control from my HD and do the correcting. Dishes always go in the dishwasher, if it's clean, it gets emptied. Clothes go in the hamper, beds get made daily etc. It is a daily fight even after 2 years but there is definitely progress.

The big change that made a huge difference was having chore Saturday where the kids could earn an allowance. They really look forward to that and it really has helped them accept that they are doing chores one way or another. I always remind them that they are going to end up like there grandma, living in a hoarding house and it kind of scares them straight. The show "Hoarders" made a difference as well. Not to mention, their mother was evicted for having a disgusting house, complete with rat shit in her cabinets and drawers.

You really are going to have to take control. Speak to the girls about how no one will ever want to live with them and hey will be the embarrassing roommates that no one likes. Tell them how boyfriends are going to be grossed out with how they live. They are at the right age where that could make a difference. The allowance thing could work too. But you are going to have to be a nag unfortunately. I agree, take away the electronics, take away the phone. Explain to HD that you are not living this way.

Just out of curiosity, were you not aware of how they lived before the marriage?

Not too long after college my roommate and I got a 3rd roommate who was like that. She'd leave for work and just leave the milk out, dishes out, etc. She left town for a trip and we moved out (put her stuff in storage). She was LIVID. We so didn't care.

I would go absolutely ballistic, and believe me, my DH wouldn't want that!

I don't know what to tell you, I couldn't live in the same house as them. My sisters and I learned how to cook and clean at a very young age and were completely taking care of the household (as far as cooking, cleaning, and laundry) way before we were your step daughters' ages. I hate messes and clutter.

This is on your husband. He is an ENABLER. If you don't get this under control and get him to do something about it, one or both of your SDs, will be living with you FOREVER (unless you scour Craigslist ads and find them each a husband). In fact, it is your house now, too, so you DO have a say.

You are going to have to put your foot down and/or move out.

Hiring a maid is not going to solve the underlying problem; that your husband coddles these girls (which goes deeper than not cleaning up after themselves). And that is what will kill your relationship.

A maid is not the solution. In today's world a maid comes once a week at most - most often every other week. The Brady Bunch was total fiction and so was "Alice". A live in maid who picks up and cleans 24/7? Not happening.

If you are a person who does not want to live in lower slobovia with rotting food and crap all over the place it is absolutely essential that the people you live with at the bare minimum pick up their crap.

I may not scrub every toilet and steam mop every single day - but I do not leave dirty dishes and food sitting around. It's okay not to dust for a few days. It is not acceptable to leave your cereal bowl with milk in it on the counter for a week until the maid comes.