Update - SD Wants To Move In
I know i just posted about SD28 but i think this needs its own post. SO says SD28 wants to move in with him. This is a very disturbed young woman who has never lived in our state. I could barely stand a weeklong vacation with her due to her outrageous behavior. Very emotionally volatile and she has a thing for exposing herself. SO asked how i would feel about her moving in. With him, as we don't live together. I said if that's what she needs to get her life together then he should probably do it. But - i don't know how this will affect my relationship with SO. Her behavior is that bad and he lives just down the street from me. I'm shaking right now.
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Oh dear - this is my own
Oh dear - this is my own potential nightmare and I really feel for you. I think in your position, and depending how much time each of you spends at each other's places - I would probably say that I wouldn't go to his any more if she moves in - he could come to mine. How does HE feel about her moving in? Personally I think I wouldn't want either of my adult daughters moving in with us - and they behave normally! As for the stepdaughters - forget that, I have earned my peace.
Yeah, I've decided i'm not
Yeah, I've decided i'm not staying the night at his place anymore and he agrees. He knows how bad her behavior is and how disturbed she is. He has not lived with this daughter since she was maybe 6 years old. The BM moved the SDs out of state at a young age and the younger one, SD26, has lived with him a few times and all were disasters. This SD has only been for visits, and not even an entire summer as a child as far as i can tell. Just a few weeks here and there. I don't know what her diagnoses are but i know she had to do intensive outpatient therapy and be out of work for 3 months a year or so ago. SO just told me this via text about an hour ago and we are both at work so we haven't had any real discussion. This is out of the blue. As of yesterday, he was getting her a car (see last post) but whatever triggered this move-in talk must have just happened. He has never considered moving her in before and she's 28. I guess she must have sounded desperate enough to activate his savior complex.
This sounds horrendous and
This sounds horrendous and insane, and I hope he comes to his senses. If he goes through with this, I'd suggest you take anything of yours of value from his house. For him, this sounds like a colossal disaster in the making.
Yes, take your stuff
MorningMia is right, take your stuff out of there.
?
Yes, this is important.
One thing you might not have considered yet is access to your house? Does your SO have a key or a remote? I would not want these to be stolen by SD as she would have access. You need to be safe.
SO does have a key to my
SO does have a key to my house, but i have cameras that alert to my phone that cover all the entrances. I also have an old-school home alarm system that i can reactivate if need be. From what i can tell, SD is more a danger to herself than to others (physically anyway) but i know there have been some domestic violence-type incidents between both of the SDs and their BM. I don't plan to be involved/close enough to get to that point. At the end of that vacation 4 years ago, i couldn't stand to be in the same room as her. I still have that feeling since as far as i know nothing has improved.
Good thing you live separately
Aren't you glad you made the wise decision to live separately? How smart you are!
There is nothing you can do about that trainwreck but to stay away from his house. Time will tell how it affects everybody. But, she sounds like a bottomless pit of need. Me, me, me ....
TBH, i don't know if i can
TBH, i don't know if i can stand even dealing with her from down the street. Her behavior was like nothing i've ever seen when we took that trip a few years ago.
Her Behavior
Excerpt from my post (ironically) 4 years ago today, about the trip:
As soon as we get there, she says she forgot her meds. It's for depression and my DD15 takes the same med, but in 1/4 the dose. SD24 has been "borrowing" DD15's meds and has now drained half the bottle. SO says he will replace them before they run out. SO and I then get groceries and when we get back, SD's phone is plugged into my charger next to my bed. She forgot it.
The first day at the beach I was ready to go back to the hotel but SO said he had to stay and watch SD24 play in the sand (catching fish and animals.) He said that due to a medical condition she has to be watched at all times so she doesn't get overheated. Mind you, she only visits like once a year so idk who babysits her the rest of the time!
She is very attention seeking and talks continuously and loudly, arguing with most of what anyone says and then going on for several minutes about why the person is wrong. The first night she came to the dinner table in a sheer, thin white shirt that showed her entire breasts and nipples. This was with her father, her 17 and 11-year-old brothers, me, my daughter, and my daughter's friend. I thought maybe she didn't realize, so i said something to SO. He pulled her aside and asked her to cover up, but she said no. He then put one of his own shirts on her.
For the rest of the trip and after returning, though, she continued to dress in a way that exposes herself, including short shorts and leggings with no underwear and sheer crop string tops, all of which show her breasts. If nobody is giving her attention, she will cuddle up to her dad and take selfies or start dancing in her chair, anything to make sure people are looking at her. After the first time, my SO just sort of giggled and said he can't bring her around his parents, and talked about how her BM didn't raise her well. I admit i tend toward the modest side, and just being around both SD24 and him with her so blatantly exposing herself makes me feel awkward and kind of icky.
Really the only time he and I spent any time together was in a shop buying shirts, and after a while he asked "where's SD?" We found her outside sitting on the curb crying. He said she was upset because while she was out of town, her boyfriend's mother came to their apartment and saw the filth and began cleaning. SO just lamented "poor SD, her mother didn't raise her right." SD never lifted a finger the whole trip. She would hand her dad her dirty dishes and say "I'm ready for you to wash this!"
Maybe she could get a job as
Maybe she could get a job as a stripper and pay for her own lodging.
That would make too much sense.
No, she only likes to show her bits to people who don't want to see them, plus her father and her brothers.
I don't think i can handle this.
Oh FFS.
Oh FFS.
I know. This chick's
I know. This chick's behavior on that trip was nauseating. I couldn't eat with her it was so bad.
Perfect response MorningMia.
Perfect response MorningMia. I laughed out loud at your "Oh FFS." Oh FFS is right.
JRI's SD's behavior reminds me of how YSD26 acted last summer. One morning I get up and go outside to check on my garden only to find YSD walking around in our backyard wearing nothing but a towel. Totally naked. She seemed to be waiting for DH to come outside rather than me because her eyes shot daggers when she saw that it was me and not him. I just stared at her like what the actual F? She didn't like that very much. I guess no one ever told her that if you make a spectacle of yourself you will be stared at. So weird.
Yet another reason to get her
Yet another reason to get her the fk off your property. I KNOW i won't be able to deal with SO's adult daughters having the run of my house. Or yard. Especially these screwed up ones.
I would say that little bro 14, little bro 21 and daddy are dick
donor candidates of proximity and opportunity for this clearly broken woman.
BM2 should get the 14yo and now. Give the 21yo the wrap it before you tap it lecture for when big sis 28 comes crawling in his bed. Hopefully he would just defend himself against sexual assault assertively and not let her have her way with him. Sadly, the likelihood is that he would be the one to get into all kinds of legal trouble if she did attempt incest and he defended himself.
I wish I was exagerating the risk.
All this shallow and polluted gene pool needs is some in breeding and it will be a full blown Texas Chainsaw Massacre situation in the future.
What is driving this? Is she
What is driving this? Is she having a hard time making ends meet? IMHO.. if he could just help her bridge the gap vs moving her in.. that might keep her more in the swing of adult life and keep her from spiraling down and rotting as the young kids like to say.
As far as i know she was fine
As far as i know she was fine until yesterday. Her car broke down and she called him crying, etc. Last night he admitted he is disappointed with how his daughters have turned out. I asked him if she has a plan to get out of this cycle of poverty and near-homelessness and constant crises. He said "I don't ask because i have no control over their (both SDs) lives and if they tell me something it's probably a lie." Now how he went from that to moving her and her 2 cats in in less than 24 hours, i have no idea.
Y'all. I was having such high
Y'all. I was having such high hopes for him recently, too. He seemed to finally be setting boundaries in his life and working towards peace. He seemed to be trying so hard. Living his life in a way that would lead to an end to the drama that plagued him in his younger years (and in the beginning of our relationship) due to his history of bad decisions. I thought "Maybe we actually can get married one day." This is devastating.
But also maybe a sign? Maybe he just couldn't fking stand it. The drama felt normal and he was bored without it.
Oh, what a letdown. I'm sorry
Oh, what a letdown. I'm sorry. But also grateful that you've been given a flashing warning. Hope he pulls out of this nonsense.
Blessing in disguise. Don't
Blessing in disguise. Don't marry DH Rumple, you need to maintain your peace and he has trouble with boundaries.
Manybe this is a sign? This isn't just a sign.
It is a neon message written on a 2x4 beating you over the head.
Even though you don't live
Even though you don't live with SO, his daughter living him WILL affect your relationship.
What is their plan? Will she get help for her issues? Will he have a hard time telling her to leave if she just does nothing? How is moving in with him going to truly help her? Will he just enable her?
He needs to really think about this and lay some ground rules before she moves in and he has to be serious about making her stick to whatever he lays out. Can he do that?
Sounds like a disaster to me but, of course, every parent wants to help their child.
A big problem, since he's not been a big part of her life, is will she respect him and his boundaries and rules? That was my thing with my DH's oldest (very estranged) daughter. She did not respect him as her father, there was no way I wanted her living with us. All she ever wanted, was to use him. Once he laid out some rules, she suddenly changed her mind about living with us!
I plan to have a discussion
I plan to have a discussion today after work about all of this. So far, due to us both being at work, all i have are a few texts. SO wants to give her his room and he will stay at my house at night. Sort of like he is moving in with me. BUT - he still has 2 other kids at home, one of them only 15. SO already isn't home much. He prefers to play pool until about 7:30-8 every night. I don't think he should just let the skids live there alone, even if he is just down the street. I don't know how this will affect things with BM2, either. If she gets wind that this is going on, i wouldn't put it past her to seek full custody of SS15. I can't stand the woman but i wouldn't blame her. No, if SD28 moves in, SO needs to be supervising what goes on in his house. I think he feels that if he just gives her a free place to live, all her problems will go away. But she brings the problems. He doesn't even know what her diagnosis is.
Oh no, him basically moving
Oh no, him basically moving in with you would not be an option!
So, he's not really interested in getting her help, guiding her, or helping her get on the right track, just giving her a place to live? Um, no.
With all of her behavioral issues, why would he even consider leaving her there with his other 2 kids? Insane.
Yes.
With all of her behavioral issues, why would he even consider leaving her there with his other 2 kids? Insane. --> Valid point.
I don't fear for the others'
I don't fear for the others' physical safety. She would be living with her 15 and 21-year-old half brothers. I worry more for the psychosocial environment in the home as well as BM2's reaction. She may use it as an opportunity to take full custody of SS15. Or she may use SD as a way to gain more access to the home. I noticed BM2 has been sucking up to SD28 via comments on her Facebook posts
oh hell no to him sleeping at
oh hell no to him sleeping at your house .. he's bringing her into his home, he stays there to watch her.
if he doesn't get it remind him that he has two young men who do not need to be left alone w/ such a troubled adult.
I'd also ask for my key back because the last thing you need is her in your home. If he gets mad remind him that he is taking this project on, you are not.
Im not sure you have a future
Im not sure you have a future with him. He's never going to be free as long as he keeps feedibthe beast and denying his part in his daughters' development or lack thereof. How can he expect them to be "normal" adults when they've never had to earn anything , have everything they want just handed to them, and probably have never been told no.
How long before you lose all respect for him?
I'm torn between wanting to
I'm torn between wanting to have a long conversation with him, discuss all the angles and possible pitfalls, formulate a plan that makes sense.....and just saying nothing and seeing what happens. Seeing how far he will go without me doing what i always do - trying to control the situation. Maybe i'll just see how bad he fks things up without my intervention so i know what i'd be in for if we did get married.
I think this is smart. See
I think this is smart. See what he does without your advice.
Not good
I hate to sound brutal but this man is just thinking about the easy way. House 3 young people to avoid paying CS, don't bother being there much to parent anybody, play pool in the evening and come to bed with you at night. Not a good look.....
I agree, but it has to be
I agree, but it has to be something more deep-seated than that. 2 of the 3 skids he wants living there are 21 and 28. Some kind of savior complex . Either that or he thrives on drama. Or maybe it is money. Cheaper to just move them all in than help subsidize them elsewhere.
But yeah. He drops this
But yeah. He drops this bombshell via text and he got off work 3 hours ago. He's not home and hasn't called to discuss any of it with me.
Just go no contact, forever. Why would you want to speak with
this loser?
Ever again.
No breakup, no nothing. Instant zero contact and purge this whole shit show from your life so you can live well instead of what you have wasted a decade-ish on.
And he is trying to rip off his own kid for $5K.
And change the locks
And change the locks immediately! As long as he has access he will use it. Change the locks so that you, and only you, gets to decide who gets in ... and when ...and maybe even IF.
So...
...sorry to hear all this. I pray you find the wisdom to do what is best for you. Whatever you decide that is. Blessings to you.,
Oh Gosh
None of this is good. I've read the thread and my thoughts are this.
Get all of your things from his home asap. Get your house key back...or better yet, change the locks. As for him "sleeping" at your home, aka literally moving in, that would be a hard NO for me. You know she and those other kids will be banging on your door. And quickly, things will change and your SO will be wanting you more involved. I'm also concerned about her violent behavior. She's aging, mental illness behaviors change with age and she could very possible be violent towards you. Tread carefully.
Me? I'd show him the door and move on but everyone has different tolerance for issues. At best, I'd go to a "dating" scenerio....y'all go out, enjoy the evening, and once it's over, each goes back to your own home.
Best to you. So sorry you are going through this.
It's hard to say since you
It's hard to say since you don't live together...I think you can't tell him who he can have over or move in since it's his own space (and vice versa) but this means that you will not get to see him as often and probably no longer feel comfortable visiting. This also reduces the chance of ever cohabitating
Another trick up their sleeve might be that SD moves in and then all of a sudden SO starts spending a lot of time at your place. Next thing you know, SO lives with you while paying rent for his daughter to live at his place...
"SO lives with you while
"SO lives with you while paying rent for his daughter to live at his place..."
That's exactly what he's proposing. He has told her she can have his bedroom and bathroom, as there are no other free beds at his house. He plans to stay at my house. He thinks she will have her education within 5 years. He thinks there's nothing mentally wrong with her that a "loving home" won't fix. He said her intensive outpatient therapy was because "She just threatens to commit suicide when her relationships end, that's all. That and her mom put her on ADD meds as a kid." He said "She's only 26." I told him "No, your other daughter is 26. She's 28. What year was she born?" He said "1997", looked confused and started doing math in his head. Also, he's making SS21, who works hard and is frugal, chip in $5000 toward her car.
Please tell us SS21 told daddy to Fuck Off regarding the $5k for
idiot sister 28's car.
That this looser is that big of a manipulative entitrled POS that he would rip off his own kid has to get through to YOU about how much of a waste of skin and waste of your time this evil, failed man, failed adult dumbass is.
Save yourself.
I will never
understand why you can't see that you should not be settling for this trashy guy with his trashy kids. Never ever.
He uses you and you don't even see it, like now, when his solution for his problems is to move in on you. How many times have you said you don't plan to live with him until he gets his kids sorted out? Those problems just got amped up and you're actually contemplating letting him move in.
WHY???
He also said "You and SD can
He also said "You and SD can hang out and be cat ladies together!" I told him "Because of some of her behaviors on her last visit, i'm concerned that there will be some stress and difficulties. And while I do want us to eventually build a life together, i don't want you moving in because you have nowhere else to go." What i wanted to say is "No, we aren't going to hang out. After the way she behaved on that trip we took, she fking disgusts me. I don't want to be in the same state as her, let alone see her daily. This is going to be a fking disaster and i don't know if our relationship will survive it."
But he's in "rescue mode" and has made up his mind and told SD, his mother, and everyone how he's saving her. I can't sleep i'm so upset.
Good lord. I'm sorry. He has
Good lord. I'm sorry. He has his head in the clouds. He is not seeing things clearly. He thinks this is an easy fix, if all of "y'all" just get along or something? Does this mean he puts pressure on his own relationship working onto YOU and if you can get along with her??
What I see happening, which he's already said, I read at the last paragraph, but assumed before I got that far even... Is that he is just easily giving up his own room for her (did he ask YOU prior??) and then wanting to live at your house full time while the kids live at the other place with SD getting his old room. That feels kind of a barfy situation to me and I'm not sure how that would work.
He can't have them living there without him, because of the 15 year old. I think he wants to be able to escape and go to your house. So your house is his getaway zone... Well sorry but then where is YOUR safe getaway place?? Feels like your sanctuary is getting closed in on. I would not be ok with this.
If it were myself I would tell him to live at the other house full time. I don't know what to say other than that. That sounds messed up and hard to deal with. I would try to stay far away. Also I would talk to him before he full on gives up his room and moves fully in with you..
"Is that he is just easily
"Is that he is just easily giving up his own room for her"
Yes. For up to 5 years. And no, he did not ask me. When i told him i wasn't comfortable with him moving in because he has no other place to go, he got huffy and said "I have options." When pressed, he said his other option is he can sleep in his living room on the couch while she takes the master suite.
"He can't have them living there without him, because of the 15 year old."
Yeah. His reply: "I'll just tell the kids not to tell BM2." News flash: he told his mother so BM2 probably already knows.
"Feels like your sanctuary is getting closed in on."
Yes. He said he looks forward to her coming over and playing with my cats. Not gonna happen. The thought of her in my home actually made me dry-heave.
"He has his head in the clouds. He is not seeing things clearly."
That's how he was on that vacation 4 years ago. When it comes to SD28, he's either not thinking about her at all (he didn't even know her age) or going crazy trying to "care" for her. On that vacation, he added her at the last minute, as we only rented a place big enough for the kids who lived with us. There wasn't enough car space so he rented a nice ride for him and his kids (her riding shotgun) and i had to drive myself and my kids. He wanted me up in the room making lunch while he "babysat" SD (then 24) so she could build a fking sand castle. He said she's fragile because she had cancer as a baby. Which she actually did but has been 100% declared cured for about 25 years. She has never lived in the same state as him now she gets his bedroom.
I know this is obvious but
I know this is obvious but giving her that bedroom is essentially writing off you ever moving in there, not sure if you had intended on doing that one day. So it seems kind of big that he went and hastily did that.
Also then it presumptively implies that he would probably move in with you? But he hadn't asked if you wanted that either? And it's kind of like the passive aggressive stuff my husband used to do to sort of "force an issue" by doing something without asking that is too late to back out of and then you end up looking bad if you don't like it... It just feels wrong.
He got himself into this mess and can figure out how to get out. I would just make sure your stuff is outta there.
And... his stuff is outa her place.
Y'know, I think it's about
Y'know, I think it's about time to tell him EXACTLY how you feel about her ... and why.
I think it's about time to
Yup... And then the time to listen to and watch his responses
He should have no access to any "kitty" in your life ever again.
Ever.
Neither should any of his barnacles.
Cut the anchor rope. End it.
It's like he has this grand
It's like he has this grand plan to make up for the past 28 years that he wasn't there for her. He finally gets to have his baby at home and take care of her. But i'm telling you, she's hard broke. I'm almost certain her diagnosis is BPD. The extreme behaviors, the suicide threats.
ETA not to say everyone with BPD is hopeless but he doesn't believe there is anything wrong with her. He said "She's not abnormal. It's the way her mother raised her! It's nothing that a loving home won't fix.."
Poor little precious couldn't
Poor little precious couldn't sleep on the couch? I hate to say it but if he gives up his room for her it's going to be hella hard to get that back. I think he's made a huge error giving her that room and essentially he is messing up his relationship with you to accommodate this troubled 28 year old. As a man in a solid relationship he should have discussed this with you before doing a single thing. That relationship should be given priority and then you could have talked about solutions together as a team and that would have felt more manageable and maybe even doable. But now he's got himself in a bind.
I also have a feeling he will try to turn it around on you when you inevitably put up boundaries.
I don't see a scenario where
I don't see a scenario where this ends well.
So end it completely to protect yourself.
It's nothing that a loving
Ah yes. I have heard this too. SS was also suicidal and possibly BPD.. I heard this expression too.. Like my husbands parents thought simply that him living with US rather than his mom would just magically fix everything. Like the issues would just fade way if only they lived with us full time. These are large complex issues. It is beyond what I know how to fix. It was the hardest thing to have a suicidal/cutting kid in our home. It was incredibly hard and trying. Just being in our house did not fix literally anything.
I wonder why people think this. Wishful thinking is my guess. Those people that don't want to do the actual work and just think it will all work out somehow.
If the parents won't admit
If the parents won't admit there is a problem, they don't have to worry about fixing it. SD will be 29 in less than 6 months. SHE probably knows what her diagnosis is, but the whole reason she can't live on her own is that she isn't managing it. I don't think SO is equipped to do what would need to be done. I know i'm not in the position to do it even if i wanted to. He tried "rescuing" SD26 about 8 years ago. It was a disaster and now she's got a baby, no father in the picture, no job or education, and is living with BM1. I thought he learned.
Those with chronic repeated self induced dain brammage can't
learn. It is a willful condition.
Ugh. This sounds like a major
Ugh. This sounds like a major cluster phuq. *sorry2*
!
It all sounds horrific....
I am stuck on one comment though, about it taking 5 years to get a degree. She has already had 10 years to get a degree and it hasn't happened.... I am going out on a limb here and saying it will never happen. And then...she just stays? Indefinitely?
I am saying this with kindness and compassion, are you willing to potentially waste 5 years more of your life?
"I am saying this with
"I am saying this with kindness and compassion, are you willing to potentially waste 5 years more of your life?"
That's what kept me up all night and is why i can't keep food down. No. I want peace. I was actually happy waiting another 3-5 years for the SSs to launch as long as we kept the status quo. Separate houses, no drama. We finally got it to where BM2 hasn't been much of an issue. Things were looking up. I think maybe SO doesn't know how to live in peace. He was born in a war zone, been a refugee, dealt with major dysfunction in his family of origin, and stress from 2 broken marriages and endless custody battles with the BMs. I don't think he knows how to function without a crisis or someone to rescue.
I know this SD will bring drama. And his rescue attempts have historically made things worse.
{{{hugs}}}
{{{hugs}}}
His past does not matter.
While I recognize his tragic past, and it is all tragic, if he cannot be a viable adult he cannot be a viable partner for you. Regardless of his past. He also cannot be an effective parent to his barnacles by two BMs and those barnacles your will never, I repeat NEVER, be free of unless you cut the anchor rope and sail on to a wonderful life while the anchor and the barnacles sink into the abyss he perpetuates.
He is a rescue project. Nothing more. Rescue project relationships do not work out. I have a had a couple in my past. Stunningly beautiful women with pie in the sky dreams I wasted far to much of my life on the rescue projects and it was nowhere near the years you have flushed down the crapper with this boat anchor to your life.
Rescue projects choose to be rescue projects. Regardless of their history, background, or life experiences. They choose not to learn from their experiences, and they choose not to overcome those experiences to become a viable adult and viable partner. That... is not on you.
Take care of you.
I do hope that you stand your
I do hope that you stand your ground and don't let him just move in with you. I know that you love him and it's hard to say, "No", or to tell him to go home but his solution is not the answer.
First of all, he cannot "rescue" her and he certainly can't do that from your house. He just wants to look like the savior, while running to the safety of your place. And, that's a shit thing to do to you and to the other kids living in his home. They should not be left to deal with her behavior on their own. They actually should not be subjected to it, at all.
I would really question building a life with someone who thinks like this. I mean, for him to think that you and this woman will be hanging out? That you would allow her in your home? Delusional.
I wonder if, after the fact,
I wonder if, after the fact, now he tries to spin it in some romantic type way, like its what we always wanted! A chance to live together!
Why do you insist on staying tied to this boat anchor and his
barnacles that contribute zero to your actual quality of life? You can't even live together because of his failures of manhood and adulthood.
He and his barnacles are so cockblocking any quality partner that is out there and are an absolute barricade to you living your best life.
What is it with SMs who love and care themselves into danger? There are no indicators that SD-28 is a danger to anyone but herself? Sadly, that is the battle cry of the self sacrificing kind hearted person who makes themselves a toxic victim.
I'm late to the party on your post.
Just make sure to take care of you. You matter, the anchor and barnacles do not.
It is not about wasting another 5yrs of your life. It is about wasting another single pico-second. Don' do that!
I know you love this man, but that is not enough for a healthy
I know you love this man, but that is not enough for a healthy and long term relationship. You must also be able to respect him - and how can you respect a man who is going to leave his 15 year old son alone with his half sister who has a history of exposing herself? Is is expecting his 15 year old to cook for himself? And what happens when his daughter decides to accuse his son of acting inappropriately? And why should his other son give 5,000 towards her car?
If this actually happens, it is going to be nothing but a train wreck and you are going to end up as collateral damage. Please reconsider this relationship, you deserve so much better.
Just weighing in here that I
Just weighing in here that I agree this is a terrible idea honestly. At almost 30 years old, it is past time that she starts figuring out how to adult.
I think the worst thing he could probably do is to allow her to fully regress and come home.
There can always be extenuating circumstances.. dealing with a serious medical issue.. or possibly an addiction issue (but then you need rehab.. not your kid sized bed).
The best way he can help is by not throwing money at this willy nilly.. but telling her that he is willing to give her some help.. but only on the condition that her financial situation and troubles are a completely open book.. so that they can be addressed. Is she overspending.. under employed? deal with the root cause. His assistance can be conditioned on her meeting goals that move her forward. It might mean finding a less expensive housing option..but his house is not a great option.
In the end.. also.. and I have had to do it.. sometimes we have to be blunt about our concerns.. it might hurt him or upset him to hear how worried you are due to her past behavior.. but when I have had to do things like that to my husband.. he has come back and reallized I'm right.
It's probably do or die at
It's probably do or die at this point...
I was pretty blunt last night
I was pretty blunt last night. I told him that if we move in together, i want it to be because we want to build a life, not because he has nowhere else to sleep. I told him that she has severe emotional problems and that he should find out what her diagnosis is and make sure she gets help. I told him my concerns about my ability to tolerate her behavior, listing behaviors from the last visit. I asked what the specific plan is. We haven't spoken today. Not sure if anything got through.
Poor Rumple!
Aw, Hon! You must be feeling heartsick and furious at the same time. Just when you began to hope that your SO was behaving better and, perhaps, reaching a new level of maturity, you get this debacle thrown at you! You wrote:
We haven't spoken today. Not sure if anything got through.
I wouldn't be surprised if your SO's lack of communication derives from his hurt feelings over your failure to jump up and down, clapping with glee, when faced with his outrageous suggestion of you and his unstable, immodest daughter hanging out, being cat ladies together! Those are some serious rose-coloured glasses that the man is wearing.
You rained on his crazy parade and he’s likely pouting. So much for that new level of maturity.