Now the Other SD is Acting Up and SO Isn’t Handling it Well
Most of what i post on STalk has to do with the BM of my SO's sons. But she is actually BM2. BM1 is the mother of SD26 and SD28. Those 3 haven't been a huge source of trouble, as they live in another state. Until recently anyway (see my previous blog about SD26.)
Today, SD28 called SO crying. Her car has died and she has only $40 to her name. And "This time I want an SUV because cars just feel too low to the ground!"
SO's plan: 1) He found a used SUV online. It's got about 80k miles and has had one accident. Price about $14k. His plan is to see if BM1 will chip in a few thousand, he chips in a few thousand, calls his sisters to see what they can donate, and borrow the rest from his mother. He said that on the months that it's just too hard for SD to pay what will likely be a $200 a month note, he will just pay his mother.
I said "I know she was crying and said she WANTS it, and SUVs are more fashionable, but an SUV isn't practical in this situation. Why not look for a sedan with fewer miles, no accidents, and better gas mileage, especially if you are likely to end up paying the balance to your mother? SD lives in a large city, is single with no children, and is unlikely to be going off-road. Also, you won't have to beg your sisters for money." Also, that price for that vehicle seems very much too good to be true. Something tells me she will be crying for a new one in a few years.
I don't think it sunk in. SD went to college but didn't graduate and has student loans. She also has some kind of mental health issue that causes her to have to take months of FMLA, though SO doesn't know the diagnosis (I suspect BPD).
This isn't my money. Not married, don't live together. My plan was to wait until skids were grown and out of the house and BMs weren't a regular issue. These "girls" seem to be regressing in their late 20s and are requiring more coparenting with their BM now than they did 5 years ago. I'm not opposed to helping adult kids out, but SO seems to do it based on emotion and without a real plan. I don't even drive an SUV. Because of the cost of buying and operating, but Miss Hot Mess WAAANTS one! I hope SO's sisters ridicule him for asking them to donate to this.
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I have an active similar
I have an active similar situation. The adult steps are costing us thousands of dollars due to poor decisions and constant issues. Although I'm separated from my husband, one of my biggest concerns has always been finances. It seemed like a never ending money pit between child support, visits and demands. Now as adults, it has become crazy situations which are costly to get out of
Is your SO willing to see the light and say no or consider a cheaper price car? I'm sure she will also ask you guys to pay for the insurance and maintenance lol
I know mine is talking about paying $30,000 in legal fees for his ex wife's son while BM1 rests and enjoys her life...there are also other crazy costs like one of the steps demanding a car and the other one wanting a money transfer every day for random stuff
Not sure how retirement will go for these fathers with such costs
"Not sure how retirement will
"Not sure how retirement will go for these fathers with such costs."
That's my concern. It's one thing to help but another to support continued bad decisions. I don't think a close-to-30 year old who still begs for gas money should get an SUV. A small sedan would be ideal. It's not the help, but the catering to WANTS. She doesn't need to be "higher off the ground" when driving in an urban setting. She wants an SUV because it's a cooler ride. If she couldn't afford the gas on her previous car, which happens to be the same kind of car as i currently drive and gets great mileage, how's she affording it in an SUV? Never mind that she's pushing 30 and can't support herself. Also, if we were to be married i'd be pissed if i'm driving a budget car while he buys his daughter a fancier vehicle. I don't care if that makes me petty. ETA also, he made his much younger son buy his own budget car. But he didn't CRY. How's that for rewarding bad decisions and punishing good ones? His son is frugal.
I hope you have not just separated but also totally separated finances from your bad decision maker.
Finances were separated from
Finances were separated from the first year after I saw poor money management and multiple problems lol
I just don't think it's fair that he works and his money goes to crazy expenses. The amount he is about to save and pay for his ex wife's son is worth a down payment for a house. All these years, I would say let's save and put a down payment on a home and he was never able to but now that his ex wife's son has some needs, he works extra hours and saves and is frugal...
If I were you, I would just watch and determine what to do moving forward based on your SOs decision. If he goes for the SUV, then you know he isn't someone to be trusted financially. Finances will be an issue unless he is wealthy and can afford to constantly support and provide for the adult children.
When I think of the amount spent on the steps, I am quite sure my husband could have owned two homes and be retired early....instead he will probably have to work his whole life
Also, it's not petty to be bothered because you are trying to save costs and be mindful with a proper affordable car while he goes out and buys a luxury SUV for someone else...
I have an SUV and I don't think it's trendy for young ppl lol...if you don't have kids and don't do frequent grocery trips or trips in general, you really only need a normal regular car
the kidults are costing you only because you pay.
Stop paying. Then they cost you nothing.
"These fathers with such costs"
I'm 80 now and DH is 88 but over the years, we have seen a lot of outgo toward his 3 adult kids Surprisingly, we've never given my 2 any altho both had to move back due to hurricane damage or moving.
SS62 at one time was in bankruptcy so in addition to housing him, we were paying for a lawyer and everything else. He wasn't working. Then we helped with his rent for yours when he moved out.
SS58 never asked for anything til last year when he needed thousands fo pay a lawyer and back rent. He's been good about making the agreed payments.
Then there's SD63. Once she and DH#2 split, we were paying car payments, utilities, insurance and many emergencies. She moved in here for a year, a disaster. To get her out, I bought my mom's condo where she now lives. She pays most of the maintenance fee and the electric from her disability. A few years ago, she hit a deer and totaled her car. Of course, she'd let her insurance lapse so DH bought a used car. She has constant emergencies: phone turned off, copays, etc.
All I can say is thank goodness DH and I both worked full time and we always lived below our means.
I'm not totally against
I'm not totally against helping kidults. And maybe my personal history makes the SUV stick in my craw more than it otherwise would. When i was about the age of SD, i moved back home to my parents' house for a few months following my divorce. The first thing my parents did was look at my big SUV and tell me that if i can't afford a place to live right away, i can't afford to drive that. My dad marched me right over to the dealership and i traded it for a used sub-compact. And i had 2 kids. But you know what? It still got all 3 of us where we needed to go and allowed me to afford a place to live a lot sooner. If they had said "You know what, this divorce is hard. You need a nicer car to make up for it!" I can't imagine what lesson that would have taught me. Probably that the more pitiful you act and the less accountability you have, the more you get.
Also, i know i can't bitch
Also, i know i can't bitch too much because my parents did help me as an adult. And not even because i needed it or because i deserved it, but because they wanted to (and also felt it was only fair because they felt any help they gave my sister should be equally given to me.) It's the WAY my SO helps his kids that gets me. It's based on emotion and crises. It's not fair or equitable, as he made his son buy his own car and he got an economy car. And i don't think there's ever a plan, especially for the daughters. They let them fk up without giving them any guidance beforehand then swoop to the rescue. I ask "What's her plan for getting out of a constant state of poverty and near-homelessness?" No idea. Just that she's crying with no car and wants an SUV.
Don't feel bad
Don't feel bad for your opinion. I feel the same which is why my 2 kids haven't asked. They know I'd ask searching questions and "offer" my opinion. I'd probably have given what they asked for once I understood.
Yes, like you, my own experiences color my thoughts. When I left my ex with 2 little kids, I had to move in with my parents and their 3 kids in a small house. I was working, going in every day in the 1964 aqua Rambler I bought from my grandmother. When I finally got my one-bedroom apartment, I was in heaven. The kids slept on their bunk beds in the bedroom and i slept on the couch. I couldn't afford a phone but everybody could reach me at work.
So, yes, our experiences color our opinions.
Exactly. There needs to be a
Exactly. There needs to be a plan at least. My SO's daughters are both a lot like you describe your SD. And i know this is going from a vent to a full-on rant, but my SO actually said "Dry your tears, Grandma and Mom and me will figure this out." Barf. Is that all it takes?! Then I want a $5000 purse. Whaaaaaaaa! Whaaaaaaa! Quick, help me dry my tears!!!!
BPD is right. Bullshit Personality Disorder.
Crybaby failed kidult spawn do not get help when they cry. It has to be earned.
That daddy is wanting to scalp money from his sisters and his mother is just pathetic. I think we know where SD-28 gets her hep meeeeeee bullshit from. Not BM1. Sounds like a daddy supplied gene failure to me.
Parents with whiny needy adult spawn that do not support themselves have to be able to self fund any help they provide the noxious failed kidults. Or.... tuff shit kid.
For damned sure trying to guilt extended family for funding of needy entitled shit kidults should not ever happen.
But their faaaaaaaammmmmmmillllllyyyyyyyy!
Family status is not an eternal thing. It has to be continuously earned. With reasonable behavior, performance, and self reliance.
My kids got a used Prius to
My kids got a used Prius to share and it had been great for them. They pay all the gas and insurance. I had considered giving them my SUV and using the car but it makes much more sense for them zipping around everywhere. They are using so much gas driving around. The small car was the better option. My opinion is beggars can't be choosers. Maybe she prefers the SUV but who is paying for this? Other people. You have to take what you can get...