School Supply Shopping
SS 7 will be going into 2nd grade next month and SO informed BM that he would be taking SS school supply shopping with him this year. BM said ok. BM got pissy about something with SO and decided to go school supply shopping with SS yesterday then sent a receipt for half the school supplies and a backpack. $50 for a damn backpack for a second grader. BM and her BF played up the whole, "SS worked hard on picking out the right backpack and is so excited about it," bit to prevent SO from disputing how ridiculous that price was for a backpack.
Straight up: paying for half of a $50 backpack is not in SO's budget. But since he is in the middle of court for modifications where BM is trying to screw him over with taking away 50/50 and implementing CS, he feels like he can't complain about it and is just planning on paying. And for some reason he also thinks he's court ordered to pay although I've asked him to find the part in the plan where it says he's obligated to pay. He still hasn't found that part. All they're required to split/reimburse each other for are uncovered healthcare costs and daycare. He's reimbursed the last 2 years because it's for his son and it's something his son needs for school. But the kid doesn't need a $50 backpack for school.
I asked SO to think about how these kinds of stunts are gonna keep happening and the prices will double when SD starts school next year if he doesn't speak up or nip it in the bud now. Apparently paying half for $100 worth in backpacks beginning next year isn't upsetting enough for him but it scares the hell out of me.
What's stopping dad from
What's stopping dad from covering other back to school expenses?
He can still take the kid to purchase some supplies(I'm sure mom didn't buy enough to last the whole year). He can also buy him a pair of sneakers and/or an outfit.
He can then tell mom that from this year forward, they will each be responsible for the back to school items they purchase. No more splitting the cost.
What isn't used one year, can be to rolled over to the next year.
SO had already bought shoes
SO had already bought shoes on sale earlier this year that he's saved specifically for SS's school year. BM and SO have never billed each other for school clothes/shoes. But today BM's BF texted SO saying, "we bought SS shoes but since you don't have to pay for half, we didn't send you a receipt." How presumptious, right? I'm positive that BM and BF don't know that he doesn't even have to pay for back to school stuff...he just does it because it's the right thing to do. SO informed him that he had already bought shoes for SS as well. They've always just bought whatever clothes/shoes they want for each house.
If he has in any form of
If he has in any form of writing that he would take the kid then she went and did it on her own then that's on her. I'd say it's still on her even if it was a verbal agreement.
I wouldn't pay anything. Now is when he needs to be sticking to the current CO the most because she can have it changed because "well he's been doing it."
Unless he's done something wrong any judge should see her attempt as a money grab. Judges are suppose to be pushing for 50/50 if at all possible. If it's been working why change it.
And yes I agree 50 for a school back pack is rediculaus. My most expensive was 30 and I used it for years as a college student.
It was agreed upon over texts
It was agreed upon over texts to BM's BF because as of a couple weeks ago, BM has refused to communicate with SO and has forced SO to do it through BF. A $50 backpack was definitely a money grab and a way to stick it to SO because they know he can't afford it but BM's big buck BF can. They specifically went to another much more expensive store just to buy the backpack.
SS literally told us today, "BF says that the more expensive it is, the better it is." Made me pretty sick and I could tell how much it hurt SO because he wants his kids to learn the value of a dollar.
Your SO needs to take this
Your SO needs to take this stuff to court. BM can not just not communicate with him. Most orders have it that adequate communication must take place between the co parents. That may mean that they use a parenting app or email only but she also has to allow him to be able to contact his son which may be phone calls through her phone. If she is refusing to communicate that should be brought up with the lawyer and there for the judge.
If she knows he can't then he doesn't need to pay for it. By doing so he is enabling her to continue this bull. If he isn't required to pay and doesn't then that's the end of it. She can continue to try this crap but it bites her.
Our's tried this stuff. We bought the kids something so she goes and buys bigger and better. Oh well don't care. They get what they need at our place and that's it. Then she wants to complain she can't afford X. Well to bad maybe if you hadn't gotten a 4 year old a queen size bed just because you'd have the money to buy him clothes which he doesn't need.
However yes sometimes the more expensive it is the better it is. That can be a fact but you have to consider it on a case by case basis. Cheap things don't last as long. My mother use to spend $100 on my shoes because they lasted all year while if she brought cheap $20 shoes they would fall apart in a month. BUT if we couldn't afford the 100 I got the 20 and that's how it was.
Big thing here is to remember that Mom and Dad are the ones who need to be co-parenting. It's fine for you and the boyfriend to help but they need to be the ones talking. Sending it through the boyfriend is not acceptable.
The irony is that when BM
The irony is that when BM filed for modifications at the end of last year, one of her complaints/reasons for modifications was, "Respondent refuses to co-parent with Petitioner." Hahahahaha oh the hypocrisy. SO emailed his lawyer about BM's don't talk to me anymore stunt but didn't offer up any advice. I know their judge will at least chew out BM about it when their case finally gets in front of her. She was pretty reasonable the first round.
Right now it appears like SO is co-parenting with BM's BF but I know she's most likely just feeding him all the garbage to throw SO's way. She's just choosing to do it the longer more difficult way and BF is eating it up.
Her BF is eating it up, being
Her BF is eating it up, being her lackey? Good for him. If my DH ever told me to co-parent with BM so that he didn't have to, I'd would've told him to kiss my ass. How insulting.
Yeah he loves it and loves
Yeah he loves it and loves going along with BM's stunts. One time he mentioned to SO that it felt pretty great to be able to buy and do whatever he wanted. This is the same guy who walked up to BM with her face and hands in my face while I tried to go back inside SS's school and he pushed me back with his forearm to my chest telling BM, "this b*tch isn't worth it." He can be great and spoil the kids all he wants to please BM but he's an idiot in my mind.
I'd never agree to communicating with BM for SO. BM played with the idea at one point and would suggest it to me. I'd ignore her comments each time. There's no "communicating" with an angry brick wall. This forum has taught me to steer clear of that kind of engagement.
I would just request even/odd
I would just request even/odd years for school supplies. Drop the drama.
While I agree that $50 is a lot for a back pack, SS should be able to use it for a few years. We didn't even buy our kids backpacks this year. They're using the ones from last year. I made sure to get ones that would hold up because skids always tear theirs up. In the 2 years that they've lived with us they have went through 9 back packs for school between the 2 of them. Usually from dragging it on the sidewalk or breaking the zippers because they forced it open if it got stuck.
If we were a nuclear family,
If we were a nuclear family, that's exactly how it would work if their backpacks were still in good condition. But we can't stop BM from going to the store with SS next year, hyping him up about another expensive backpack, and sending a receipt.
And she can't make your SO
And she can't make your SO pay for it.
"I have to, it's for SS."
"I have to, it's for SS."
Sad story.
He has to get out of that
He has to get out of that mindset. If he wants to do something for SS, that's one thing, but paying BM back for something SHE bought, on her own, is something quite different.
Your SO is going to have to learn to stand up for himself, let go of any guilt, and not let BM (or rather, BM's BF) get in his head.
It sounds like co-parenting is not working so your SO might need to switch to parallel parenting. He does what he does for SS on his time, BM does what she does on her time, and that's the end of it. Nobody pays anybody back for what they buy of their own accord.
"I have to, it's for SS."
"I have to, it's for SS."
Sad story.
My BIL had this problem with
My BIL had this problem with his ex. She decided that YSS needed a new MacBook, in grade 4!
She had YSS all excited about it.
Luckily she didn't go buy it, she just told BIL to expect a bill for it.
BIL sat down with his son and said do you really need a new laptop? You are in grade 4 there are so many better ways to use money (BIL is in investments and handles accounts worth millions)
They had a talk about taking care for the things we own, not just following the crowd and not needing to waste money on something new when the old one worked just fine.
He didn't tell BM they'd talked, just said no, I'm not paying for a new laptop. BM told YSS that he couldn't have the new laptop because BIL was a jerk and wouldn't help pay for it. YSS came back with, he's not a jerk, I don't need a new laptop. You should stop wasting money on new stuff then maybe you wouldn't need Dad to pay for everything.
YSS is 10 years old.
Sometimes you just need to have a talk with the kids, not to put the other parent down but to explain the other side.
Love it!! SO talked to SS
Love it!! SO talked to SS about it today. SS didn't even know that his dad was going to and has always contributed to half of his school supplies. He believed it was all just BM and BF. SS is at an age where he can understand right/wrong and fair/unfair especially when we use examples.
Wow! It is great to hear
Wow! It is great to hear about skids who DON'T beer bong the BM's PAS koolade!!
Such a rarity!!
I have the same issue with my
I have the same issue with my DH. He actually told me when he and BM went to court for the divorce, BM threw a fit because she wanted it in the decree that DH pay for school fees and supplies. The judge told her that is what CS is for and if she kept it up, he would take away the CS.
Well for some stupid reason the past two years, DH has been reimbursing her 1/2 of the school fees. Insane. AND he buys their new school shoes every year AND she is starting to hit him up for 1/2 the cost of school clothes. Not to mention 1/2 of all the after school sports and related items.
I have no issue with DH doing his part, but at some point you have to say enough is enough. Spending $1500 a year just for MSS to play baseball is out of line on top of all the other money he shells out that he is not obligated to pay.
Yes. That last paragraph.
Yes. That last paragraph. Exactly, yes. That's what I'm trying to get SO to understand but he's just worried about how BM and BF will make him look to the kids and to the court...a cheapskate father who can't afford $25 for a backpack. I explained it's not about $25...it's that they'll keep pulling these stunts and it's gonna add up quick as the kids get older.
He should also be able to
He should also be able to show he's not a cheapskate father considering he offered to buy the school supplies in the first place and share's 50/50 custody. He supports the child in his home on his own (MONEY) and helps pay for child care cost. Budgeting doesn't make him a bad father.
That's exactly what I told
That's exactly what I told him!! He's worried that it'll look like they can be afforded with a better lifestyle at his moms that he can't provide. I know it's a strong fear but he can't view it objectively like I can and realize how insane that sounds. I told him no judge would take away his kids or time from him for giving them the basic necessities and never allowing for them to go without. Honestly he gives the kids a better life than he had and that I had myself.
A better lifestyle with one
A better lifestyle with one parent doesn't mean that they shouldn't spend time with both. Infact even in some 50/50 cases the parent with more has been required to pay child support to the less parent so that the households are more equal. Or the "richer" parent must pay all child care cost. Stuff like that.
It's rare and I'm not saying it should happen but lifestyle doesn't matter when it comes to time with parents. So what if the kids wear designer clothing with mom and good will with dad as long as both parents support them emotional and make sure their needs are met.
Him trying to play this game of I can afford everything BM can is going to hurt him in the long run.
Like I said. BM over here tries this. If we get the kids something they need she goes out and buys them better but they don't need it.
Let BM play the game by herself. Don't get pulled in. BM can digger her hole all she wants but that doesn't mean your partner needs to jump in with her. Clearly she doesn't have enough if she thinks she needs childcare too.
Girl, yes, I'm glad we're on
Girl, yes, I'm glad we're on the same brainwave and that I've been talking sense to SO, because I literally brought up the "keeping up with the Joneses" saying. I told him flat out he's not gonna be able to keep up if he allows them to pull crap like this and not put his foot down.
He feels like he has to take the kids on a vacation if BM/BF take the kids on vacation. He does view it as a competition in a way and it's so obvious to me but I feel bad for him. I also feel angry he feels like that but mostly sad for him. I'll admit I tried to help him keep up at the beginning/honeymoon phase of the relationship with lovey eyes for the kids, and then I realized I wasn't doing anybody any favors and I was hurting myself (and my bank account) the most.
They honestly both play the game. If SO buys SD a new pair of sandals, BM buys almost the exact same ones and sends SD to SO with the new ones she buys. Even in the little things. One time SD asked me to paint her nails with random colors alternating and BM sent SD back the next time with new colors and has painted over nails I've polished. It's pathetic but I laugh and roll my eyes and now know to just distract SD when she asks for me to paint her nails and let her forget she asked me...pretty easy since she's 4. I don't want to be pulled in to the games or compete with the crazy BM.
IF he doesn't stop it the
IF he doesn't stop it the kids are going to get smart and start gaming him.
He needs to focus on their time together not the items.
In our case SO's daughter has expressed happiness because when she's with us we do stuff. Just playing video games or board games together, going to the apartment pool, the library, reading together. Things like that. They love going to the creek or taking a walk. It doesn't have to cost alot to be important and bonding time.
If you make it about money kids know that and like I said they start to play your or realize that they are being bought. If they think that it wont be good.
Your SO told BM that HE would
Your SO told BM that HE would take SS school shopping, BM took him, that is on her. I wouldn't give her one dime, especially if it's not specifically addressed in the CO. SO was willing to do it, BM took it upon herself, she pays.
If my DH told BM that he would take SD school shopping but BM did it out of spite and then gave him a receipt, expecting him to pay half, he just flat out wouldn't do it.
I wish my SO would handle it
I wish my SO would handle it the same way. He just doesn't like confrontation or saying no on his own. At the very least I wish that he would've questioned why they went ahead with shopping when they agreed he would do it.
My DH didn't like
My DH didn't like confrontation with BM, either, but he figured out that the best way to stop it, was to put his foot down and not let her walk all over him.
Yes, it might get worse for a minute but it's well worth it in the long run. DH is a pretty laid back guy, so when he did put his foot down, she knew he meant business.
She will treat your SO the way he allows her to treat him.
A $50.00 backpack for a 7
A $50.00 backpack for a 7 year old!!! That is absurd.
Also absurd that your DH is co-parenting with the BF! He needs to stop that immediately.
I agree completely with both.
I agree completely with both.
A 50.00 back pack IS
A 50.00 back pack IS UNREASONABLE.
What is wrong with last years? New lunch kettle and new shoes, new outfit or two, three are a big must.
Besides I raised kids who went thru the 2nd grade and your bm's child must go to a Magic School that sends home 12inches of thick papers books etc every night to need a 50.00 back pack. GOOD LORD. Let the boyfriend buy it since he is gate keeper A** H***
FYI in elementary school at first, dh and I fell for the school supply scam. Pfft, half of the supplies were to fill UP the teachers closet for kids who didn't bring anything. I don't mind helping in a pinch but I will not supply other kids houses.
I would say, send new box of crayons, sharpened pencils and pencil case, glue sticks and a folder or two with paper inside. The teachers will usually send home a list of what THEY require---we have found it is far less than what parents think.
Also, I always always send 5 or 6 boxes tissues, disinfect wipes, hand sanitizers, paper towels. That is no joke.
OP your best bet is to contact the school and talk directly to the teacher. Make sure your chimed in to her /his email, for grades and school calendar, school updates on robo calls sent right to your phone... Give the teacher dads cell phone number to call DAD if there is a problem or concern
I am not saying BM would be dishonest in her school supply needs but I am saying some parents lie and you end up paying for her cell phone bill because she shoves receipts in your hand that are not for the kids.
HEY there is a thought "HEY BM, feel free to buy what you want to and let us know what you get OR sd can tell us. WE are calling the teacher to see what her list is too. WE will buy some stuff and we don't want to double dip, YOU know what that is right bm?
OP learn to parent as independently. It can be done and it is easier on the child.
JMO
BM changed the agreement so
BM changed the agreement so BM can suffer the consequences. I never spent close to 50 on a backpack until high school.
I had 2 or maybe 3 in college
I had 2 or maybe 3 in college and none of them were $50. Absolutely ridiculous.
This reminds me of the time I
This reminds me of the time I saved my money and bought a coach backpack for the upcoming school year. I had just moved into a new school district and it was a bit poorer than previous ones I was used to. I was so excited about this coach backpack only to have like 3 or 4 people walk by me at seperate times and loudly say "who the hell spends that much money on a backpack" or something of the sort then laugh at me with their friends LOL
Lol oh nooo! What a learning
Lol oh nooo! What a learning experience though! Ugh idk what BM thinks SS will be carrying back of forth from school that requires a $50 backpack.
sunshine AWWWWWWWWW An elmo
sunshine
AWWWWWWWWW
An elmo backpack would have been cool OR AbbyCadabby LOL
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