One step forward, one giant leap backwards
So my SO and i have been in couples therapy to deal with some of our issues. Boundaries with BM2 have been a huge issue, with her not keeping to the schedule and wanting to come and go, picking the kids up for a few hours here and there every few days instead of caring for them as scheduled. The therapist suggested that instead of him talking dorectly with her, to have a group text that i'm on too.
So, last week both of his kids got sick. I took one to the doctor since it was my day off and got the medicine prescribed. The other got sick a few days later and was staying with BM, so BM took him. SO sent a group text telling her she needed to take him to the doctor. She texted back to the group the next day because she was having trouble with the insurance card. He was sleeping so i replied and helped try to talk her through it. I felt like it went pretty well. Polite exchange of information.
That evening one of his daughters called him. After he got off the phone with her, he accidentally called me by BM1's name (daughter's mother.) I was still in "trying to be cool" mode, so i jokingly played it off, telling him he owed me a backrub. Over the next few days my daughter got sick, and he took her to the doctor while i was at work and he was off. Great, right?
Well, the next day he tells me he may be working for this girl he works with this weekend, but he's not sure. He's going to wait and see if she texts him. He worked the last 7 days and i'm off the long weekend, and was looking forward to some quality time. I was like "so you have to wait around all weekend to see if she texts?", and if i'm being honest, it bothers me because it's her. She is newly divorced and he always talks about how desperate she is for a man. She has a toddler with jer ex, is already newly pregnant from a one-night stand, and she is so full of silicone she looks like a "real doll." She is one of only a few coworkers he is friends with on facebook and has been liking his posts lately, and now he says he may go work with her at another job on the side, working for her when she can't. He has taken shifts from other coworkers in the past but this os the first time he agreed to wait around all weekend for someone to maybe decide she doesn't feel like working. And it's a party she may go to, not a health emergency.
I'm like, great, we are just now setting boundaries with BM2 and you want to have your few weekends off interrupted by another unstable woman who gets to "call you in" whenever she doesn't feel like working. Sounds similar to being BM2's on-demand babysitter.
He isn't hurting for money. He says he just wants to keep his work options open. I just don't see why he has to choose her to partner with. I'm tired. Anyway, just putting it out there.
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Comments
Your SO has a history of
Your SO has a history of being flirty and feeling needed by women. It's not that he just needs to set boundaries with BM. He also needs to learn how to not get his ego stroked by any woman who gives him attention and then use that to feel superior (and dump you to the side).
You need to make it abundantly clear that this isn't okay. YOU are his partner, and if anyone gets first dibs on having him "cover" for them, it's you. YOU want his attention and that trumps her wanting a last-minute favor for a plannable event.
Honestly, if it were me, this would be my make or break moment. If my partner were going to chase after someone else while I handled HIS household on MY weekend off, my partner would find themselves partnerless. I'm not anyone's second choice for fun while also being their first choice for responsibility. Eff that.
Thanks. I was wondering if i
Thanks. I was wondering if i was being controlling or if my feelings were reasonable. I told him how i felt and he just texted her and told her he can't work for her. He has never done the "wait around all weekend" thing for any other coworkers and he was like "You just have a problem with Jessica (name changed.) Maybe i do, idk. For 2 years he has never done anything like this, and why her? And the whole other job thing too, only her. I wonder if he is trying to bait me, or subconsciously asking for drama? He admits he doesn't need the money, he has a full time job. He tells me all the time how desperate she is for a man, how mentally unstable she is. Then this?
Just the fact that his
Just the fact that his response was "You just have a problem with Jessica", speaks volumes. He's trying to make you feel like you are the problem, aka gaslighting you.
He was like "Well Martha
He was like "Well Martha (older lady) has been sick, what if she can't come in? Will you have a problem if i have to cover for her too?" No, it's the putting your weekend on hold to maybe work so Jessica can text you at any point between Thursday and Sunday to come in if she can't get anyone else to cover while she goes to a party that i have a problem with, and becoming her future back-up for her other job, too! Literally leaving himself open for her to call at any time she decides she needs him. Just like he nade himself available to BM for childcare! I know it's like banging my head against a wall and wondering why i keep getting a headache, but i really did think we were making progress in therapy. I'm an idiot.
Just say, "Well, would you
Just say, "Well, would you put everything on hold all weekend in case Martha needed you? In that case, yes, I'd have an issue with Martha, too."
It's easy to say things in therapy - the proof is in his actions.
You're not an idiot. You're
You're not an idiot. You're being practical. You saw an issue in the relationship and took an appropriate action to address it (therapy). You saw change as a result of that action. That's progress, not idiocy.
The idiot is your SO who can't see that HIS behavior is what caused thr action by you, and instead of heeding that as a warning and taking actual action to change, transfers his poor behavior from one BM to a different woman. It's like quitting smoking by switching to meth (hyperbolic, but you get the idea). That's the idiot move - instead of just putting in the work to actually stop, he put in the work to move his bad habit somewhere else.
Why do you keep going back
Why do you keep going back with/staying with this guy? Like Gimlet said, too much work.
Some men only
Some men only get off on women who they can "save." It is a real thing. If you don't need to be saved - in fact, if you are the stable one who is taking care of him - then you are more of the "mommy" to him and not sexy. Great for making dinner, cleaning and doing the laundry, but not feeding the ego and getting the blood pumping. There is something wrong with these guys and it really is not fixable.
I'm afraid of that. True
I'm afraid of that. True story, when he first asked me out it was after he found me crying on a street corner. Now, that's not normal for me, in fact it's the only time i ever did anything like that. I had been upset about something and went for a jog to clear my mind, but i stopped and took a break. The rest is history lol.