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O/T Co-Worker situation.

FrenchPeas's picture

I have an off topic situation that I could use some objective opinions! 
 

I work with a lady that we are casual friends. We have gone to the movies a couple of times in a group of three or so. We are friendly. When we go to the movie, it's always been her choice of what movie we are seeing with a promise that "next time", we will see the movie others want to see.  Never happens.  Also, at work, we have a small cabinet of snack that are available to us at no charge and we usually will choose a granola bar or candy bar and go on about our business. This gal would come to our office from the facility where she works and would gather up about four or five things and take back with her. Imagine her joy when she discovered one girl kept soft drinks in her own mini fridge. She always helped herself to one of those when she went by the girl's office. 
 

She has asked me to accompany her to the emergency room when she had a cold or whatever. One day i made a two hour road trip with her to drop her daughter's dog back off at her house. Took up my ENTIRE afternoon. 
 

The most recent mess started when she fell down the stairs at her daughter's apartment complex and hurt her knee. She had also fallen on this same knee at work. So a doctor recommends surgery to repair the new damage. First thing, she tells me then tells me NOT to tell anyone at work that she has to have surgery. I was NOT going to cover for her. Ever. I guess she eventually told her boss because she's off work now until Feb 2020. 
 

The Monday before Thanksgiving, she goes in for surgery. A few of us at work were checking on her during the day as coworkers or friends would. I got off work and went to dinner with friends. She called and i called her back. She let me know (through tears) that she was in such bad pain that she was at the ER and hadn't even gone home after the surgery. I said I would stop by and check on her.
 

When I get there, she says "I can't  go up the steps at my apartment. I have to go home with you!"  
 

i was stunned! I couldn't take this woman to my home! First of all, I have nothing but two twin beds in my kids' rooms. There are steps to get into my home too! Her daughter was there and I guess wanted to come stay at my home, as well. It's the week of Thanksgiving!!!! I can't take someone into my home to convalesce from surgery at my expense and spend time with MY family. It was all just insane. I called another friend from work and told them i had no choice but to put her in a hotel to keep her from insisting that she comes home with me. He and his wife split THREE days in the hotel because she can't go up the stairs at her apartment. 
 

All of a sudden, her lack of planning became all of our problems. To finish off this lengthy crazy ass mess - she then sent texts asking for volunteers to help her move to a downstairs apartment that holiday weekend. I know my buddies didn't do it. Next, she started texting a bunch of us saying she missed our cooking. We could feel free to bring her home cooked food. Or she would text she was bored. 
 

i just stopped replying anything as did others. Then she sent me a message saying she had money to pay me back for part of the hotel. And she meant she missed being able to cook. And on and on. Then she called me in the middle of a work morning to ask if we were ok in our friendship. I begged off due to being in the middle of some chaos at work. 
 

I'm pretty much done with this gal. She seems to be more than willing to take advantage of kindness when it suits her. My mother disagrees with me and says if I don't help, it shows I'm hard hearted.

Would you agree with that? I think it's just setting a boundary. 

Comments

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Wow, just wow.

I'd say that in general, if you do the opposite of what your mom advises, you'll be goldren. And this woman (bless her heart) is an emotional vampire. You did the right thing.

Letti.R's picture

Agh no, this gal has exhauted all of your goodwill and is a user.
No thank you.
French Peas you know what is going on here - cut ties and move on because no one is owed your friendship when they have abused it time and time again.

notarelative's picture

Realize that you will never see the money.

Block her number. 

Agree with MurphysLaw:

give your mother the woman's phone number if SHE feels like helping

 

WalkOnBy's picture

Oh, my goodness.  It seems to me that you have done more than enough to help her.  No problem at all setting a boundary with this broad.  

ESMOD's picture

This woman clearly doesn't understand boundaries... or is so entitled that she doesn't care.

You have been very kind to her.. much too kind.

When she called from the hospital.. going to check on her was nice.  However, when she told you of her plans to stay with you.. you really should have just told her.. you were unable to do that.. and that perhaps she should discuss with her doctor what her best options would be.. maybe he would have kept her a few more days.. or maybe he/she would have suggested a rehab facility.

To expect others to put her up in a hotel? and then refuse to pay? ridiculous.  In fact, if you DID offer to drive her to the hotel.. I absolutely would have expected HER to get her own credit card out for payment.

It honestly sounds like this is one person that you cannot give an inch to.. she will take more than a mile.

At this point, I would back off any relationship with her besides what is absolutely necessary to do your job.

ESMOD's picture

I would also put a bill together for what she owes you.. present it to her.  Say you understand she may not have it all right now.. you are willing to take payments over time.

tog redux's picture

As the expression goes: No is a complete sentence. 

You really have to feel okay about putting up some boundaries around this woman's requests. Why would YOU put her up in a hotel, she can do that herself, can't she?

"No, I'm sorry - you can't stay at my home,"  on endless repeat. 

Livingoutloud's picture

Omg I understand if she had no place to go and had to go to a hotel but to ask you to pay for it????

FrenchPeas's picture

So much happened it is hard to include it all. 
 

When she basically told me she was coming home with me, I was NOT having it. We are casual friends. And who invites themselves into your home to recover from surgery?? It was wild. I would NEVER. 

 

So I put her in the hotel for one night. Another friend went in on it to help her because they couldn't take her to their house either. So by now, i was getting upset. 
 

The next night, she called ANOTHER friend from work to take her from the hotel back to the ER again! Then she messages another friend and asks him to help her move. This guy is a nice guy. But he's had heart surgery. So has she but she had no worries asking him to exert himself to move her stuff downstairs to another apartment. And she texted a group of four other coworkers asking them to come help her move the weekend of the Thanksgiving homiday. None of them answered her. Who does that?? 
 

her daughter was evidently coming and going and decided to move into the apartment with her mom. BUT she still texted me and ANOTHER gal (mini fridge gal) and asked us for home cooked food. I told her no, I had to make a 3 hour round trip that night. She wanted to know WHY? Nun ya. Good Lord! The other gal was inquiring about how she was feeling and asked how long she would be off work. She got the response of "why do you want to know?"  Ticked her off and she was done. Not to mention she's out of sick time. 
 

That next weekend, she messaged me and asked when I would be making a trip to a Wal Mart. I live 25 minutes out of town. I said I'm not coming into town today. Her daughter (25 years) was there!! The store is a mile from them. Tops. 
 

other past things have been asking me to dog sit her daughter's bad tempered dog. Thankfully that was 24 hours and we couldn't even pick the bratty dog up without it biting us. She asked us to take it again and I flat refused. 
 

She wanted to have us all bring some pot luck to work for lunch. I stayed up late making homemade lasagne. Brought to work thr next day and she says she doesn't really want it and would rather have "fish". I was so aggravated that Intold her I would  never do that again. Guess she thought I was kidding or she has the biggest balls on this planet. She tells me that she "misses my cooking" and i pointed out she's never had my cooking. And texting me while I'm at work to tell me she's "bored". Must be nice. I'm working. 
 

her back tracking when she realized she couldn't get anything more from me was what prompted the whole offer of money.  She knew she had screwed up royally. She should have checked her selfishness.
 

I told her my daughter was going to Dc to intern in January, she's graduating from college this weekend, we have to move her stuff back to my house then get her to Washington the first week of January. It's Christmas. I am not inclined to take on someone who just uses me. I have big things going on. 
 

anyways. My mother can always rub me the wrong way. I pointed out to her that I was no longer the doormat she raised. I knew red flags and I heeded them. I got burned on this one but it's a lesson learned. Now I know and I can move on. 

Exjuliemccoy's picture

Good Job! You were kind until you recognized that this woman is a user/loser. Then you said NO. That shows you have a good heart but aren't anyone's doormat.

Reformed doormat of America, Unite!!

Aniki-Moderator's picture

Good grief, she's awful!

I'd start ignoring her messages or not responding for hours. And no more personal info, but treating her like some whackadoo you met 5 minutes ago. Ish!

BethAnne's picture

Tell the woman to mail a check to work for you for the hotel (I am assuming she doesn’t already know your address, this way it stays private). 

Then I might just ignore all messages from her or block her or send her one word answers only...no need to explain anything to her. Choose which ever one will be least stressful for you.