Everything is Falling Apart
My SO has had 50-50 custody on paper for 10 years. When we started dating 2 years ago, both boys, now 10 and 16, were staying at SO’s almost every day, but he was still paying BM $1000/month CS. BM would come over about every other day to visit, cook dinner for all of them (and sometimes SO’s parents), and would take the boys sometimes for a few hours or maybe a night, all at her discretion and without warning. She and SO also talked on the phone and texted multiple times every day, about trivial non-essential things.
I had an issue with that, and I told SO. Things slowly changed over the course of about 18 months and she is keeping the 10-year-old every other week and not coming by or calling/texting nearly as much. I never cared about the child support issue as we are not married and it isn’t my money. I would gladly accept him continuing to pay her if she keeps up the boundaries. But, as i said, it’s not my money.
About 6 months ago, SO asked BM to pay for half of a school fee and she refused. She also had told him she would give SS16 a car (her mother’s old car), and she went back on the deal. Because of these things, he finally had enough of paying her and had his lawyer file to have him stop paying CS for the som who is with him 100%.
The first court date, BM stalled by saying she had no lawyer. She fired her lawyer an hour before the court opened. The second court date, she stalled by saying she had been exposed to COVID. Yesterday was the third court date. SO is unsure of exactly what happened. His lawyer attended the court via zoom meeting and has not given him a full report.
In the meantime, SS16 was attending an online magnet school last semester. He did not meet the GPA to continue, so SO went to enroll him at the local high school. They would not accept his enrollment without custody papers, and SO doesn’t have them. School started 2 days ago and SO hasn’t been able to get a copy.
This morning, SS gets a text from BM stating that her lawyer enrolled him at the high school in her district, in a neighboring town. SO called his lawyer and his lawyer said that their 50/50 custody was never formally finalized after their divorce *10 years ago*. I asked SO how he is getting his wages garnished for CS if there is no forma custody and he doesn’t know. I am not sure what will happen now.
SS16 is still not in school. When i saw him this morning, he seemed hopeless and said he doesn’t care what happens. I suggested to SO that he offer BM every other weekend. It gives SS and BM more time together than they already have (though that is, from what i understand, SS’s choice to not stay with BM for the past 5 years.) It gives BM babysitting for SS10 on her weekends, which she always seems to need, and it also spares her the shame of totally losing custody. It also spares SS16 from having to formally renounce his mother in court, which, to me, it looks like he doesn’t want to do. SO still says that SS doesn’t want to go with her at all, because she will just use him to babysit his younger brother, and collect CS.
I can’t help but feel responsible. Before i came along, they were all happy in their dysfunctional enmeshed bubble. From what i can see, the only person being hurt by all this is SS16. BM never cared as long as she was getting her CS and could come and go as she pleased, without responsibility. I don’t know if i want advice or just to put this all out there. All i ever wanted was BM out of SO’s house and to stop calling so much.
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Comments
Sounds like a cluster puck
Not your fault really, just a lack on your SO - plus his lawyer sounds lame.
You probably just needed to vent.
Lucky you arent married! This would have driven me crazy...the enmeshment, the payment of child support without shared custody, the dickering around in court, the school.
Id start with getting the SS in school. Thats safe enough. And with SS being 16, Id also have a talk about changing the custody. Im usually "kids dont have a choice", so Id expand the custody with Bm. And then get a new lawyer.
Sounds hard. But SO should have been more on top of things. The changes you brought only exposed the weaknesses in their system.
Thanks for reading the novel!
Thanks for reading the novel! SO's lawyer is so incompetent. SS16 is really a great kid, and i hate that he is going through this. I want to help him but i don't know what to do. I hate that he has already missed 3 days of school. He just seems really down and powerless. He doesn't seem to have it in him to speak up for what he wants. In a sense, he has "voted with his feet" by not staying at BM's. He drives, so he could go if he wanted.
Ugh, so she enrolled him in
Ugh, so she enrolled him in her district so when they go to court, she can say he attends in hers so she should get full custody.
This is how court just freaking screws everything up. It becomes a battle as to who can "win" rather than what is best for the kid. But, since he's 16, they likely will give him more weight than they would a younger kid.
And this isn't your fault - your SO had the option to break up with you rather than make changes and he CHOSE to make changes.
She said her lawyer enrolled
She said her lawyer enrolled him, but i think she is just saying that so SS thinks she is just innocently following advice, or to not look like the bad guy. But, only a parent or guardian can enroll a child in school where we live. I think if he attends classes at that school, he may be stuck there. But he has never lived in that town. Since BM moved there with her new husband, SS has been with SO 100% of the time. Could they do that?
Yeah, it's the parent who
Yeah, it's the parent who enrolls him. I'm sure the attorney told her to enroll him, though as a ploy to demonstrate that she should get custody.
Yes, they can do that. They can say that since there was never a formal 50/50 agreement, BM has default custody and the child needs to go to school in her district. They can also point out (rightly) that SS was not going to school under DH's watch and so BM should have him start in her district and live in her home.
However, what they can't do is force a 16-year-old to do anything. So what he wants will matter.
This is so messed up. She
This is so messed up. She just might win.
From K-8th grade, he went to school in SO's district. Took the bus to and from his house. In 9th and 10th grade, they used BM's mom's address in the nearest large city, stating BM lived there, when in reality BM lived with her husband in the town she lives in now. This was to have him attend a magnet school. SS got on the bus from GBM's house, went to school, got off the bus at GBM's house, then was picked up and brought to SO's house. He was brought back to GBM's house before 10 PM to sleep. He spent weekends, holidays, and summers at SO's house. SO paid all his expenses while also paying BM CS.
In 11th grade (this year), he started at the online magnet. Staying at SO's the whole time. BM still getting paid. To a court, it might look like BM had custody in 9th and 10th grade. SO may be screwed unless SS can speak up and tell a judge how things have been and what he wants.
Don't feel guilty for your
Don't feel guilty for your SOs enmeshment with his ex wife that you helped break.
When I got with SO little over 5 years ago now BM had him in her back pocket. He was always too afraid of what she "might do", wanted to not "fight" for the skids sake etc etc. When I first started dating him I didn't see it but, it didn't take long before I was like wtf is going on here.
He and I would argue about stuff which now, he says I was right. Things have done 180 since then but, BM still lingers in the background. My blogs prove that she is holding on to the glimmer SO will be her BFF again one day and abide by her "terms and conditions."
I have never once questioned what I did or said that lead to where we are today as being the "wrong" thing to do. I gave SO his backbone that he desperately needed.
Is it my fault BM is a manipulative monster and wanted to control everything SO did and with who for all of eternity and because I came along I ruined that for her.... LOLLL nope not my fault. She's not a good a person and that's all on her. Unfortunately, she is (like most BMs we deal with on this site) forever victim, selfish, ya know how the story goes. BM decided to stop seeing her kids, she decided to not have anything but a text relationship pretty much with her kids.. not my fault. HER doing!
Remeber, everyone makes their own choices. Don't feel guilty.
You deserve to be an equal
You deserve to be an equal adult in your home and relationship. That's all i want, too. I won't be with someone who is enmeshed with an ex. I know they can work out custody without going back to enmeshment. BM is fighting it because she has never taken responsibility as a parent for these kids. She has basically treated them like toys she plays with, then puts them back on the shelf (whoever she has actually caring for them.) I won't move forward with my SO if he lives his life as her servant/BFF and pays her for the privilege.
Here's an idea.. what if the
Here's an idea.. what if the boy filed to be emancipated... would that work?
I think it might, and he
I think it might, and he would possibly be better off for it. I don't know if he has the backbone for it. He is so beaten down and doesn't want to offend anyone. I know SO would continue to support him if he were emancipated, though.
Not all states have
Not all states have emancipation, and there are rules about it - they have to be self-supporting, etc. It's not as easy as it's made out to be.
He should just tell the court he wants to stay with dad. This is why Family Court is rarely the answer, honestly. If your CS ends at 18, he might want to just keep paying - it's less than 2 years, and then SS won't get dragged through the court process.
Not your fault, AT ALL. You
Not your fault, AT ALL. You should not have any feelings of guilt here. ANY woman would request that 'non-significant" texts and calls stop. It's disrespectufl to you. He did the right thing in respecting your position and halting the insiginificant communication.
All of this is the greedy BM's fault. You've been supportive and created respectable boundaries. This is just the way the universe alligned to get her out of the way. A court will eventually see your husbands case and might even demand restitution. don't feel guilty. Not at all.